Monday, August 01, 2005

An open letter

Dear wife-to-be of my dear friend,

Hi, I am Sayesha. And I'm having an incredibly difficult time writing this letter to you.

I've been friends with the guy you're marrying, for a long time now. And now, I'm scared. I'm scared of what this marriage will bring about, and how it will change the relationship we have.
Putting it crudely, you're going to take him away from me.

Before you came along, I used to think, "He dare get married to someone I don't approve of!" But now, all these seem like child's play. Play time is over for Sayesha, and her friend has grown up and is moving on. He is getting ready for the biggest change in his life. He is getting married. To someone I don't know.

You're soon going to be very important to a guy who is very important to me. I know it is going to be difficult for you to adjust to the new life you're creating for yourself. To familiarise yourself with the way his life works, his relationships with his friends, the way he thinks, his silences, everything. Things I am familiar with, but you are not. Yet. But you will be. Soon.

Why am I telling you all these? I myself don't know. But rest assured that I am not asking you to try and be friends with me. Heck, you may not even like me! In fact, you may even disapprove of me being as important as I am to him today. And that is perfectly understandable.


But I have one request to make. I'm hoping against hope that perhaps you will understand the close friendship we share. I connect with him on things that I do with no one else. We have secrets, we have insider jokes, we have this beautiful relationship which I treasure. I hope you can be comfortable with what he and I have, because it is precious to us.

But if you don't, if you're not comfortable, that's okay.
I will step back. Into the background. I may have withdrawal symptoms, it may take a long time, but I'll be fine. Because I know that you deserve nothing less than the top place in his life. And that's okay. That's justified. That's how it should be.

If you can understand, please do so. At least, try to.

If not, it's okay. I will understand. At least, I'll try to.

- Sayesha



37 comments:

Sahil said...

Wow. Heavy stuff. This is a really tough area isn't it? Guy or girl gets married, and the whole friendship dynamics change. I've seen it happen a lot, and its a part of life that we can't deny. But you know what? If the friendship is strong and mature enough, it will last. Coz I'd like to believe, there are some friendships in life, that we just can't do without. And they're there for keeps. No matter what.

I have one piece of advice for you though Sayesha. If you ever feel u r not getting along with ur friend's wife - just wear that tent dress of urs, she'll instantly warm up to you!

virdi said...

well.. i have nothing to say.. but one thing you should always remember.. may be the girl understands your relation and might be your best friend.. look at something positive.. and you always knew that he is going to go away from you.. be aaj ki bharatiya+singaporeian naari.. dont cry baby.. if u are feeling sad.. then here somes the JAADOO KI JHAPPI.. :) smile yaar.. and she will make good good food for you and feed you.. dekh lena mera kehna kabhi galat nahi hota.. ;-)
V..

Anonymous said...

very beautiful...

Anonymous said...

Soul mate?

Sayesha said...

Sahil,
I hope you're right. This guy is a really special friend, and we share this weird chemistry (which is probably a result of the weird circumstances under which we met) and if we lose the closeness we share, it would hurt real bad.

And nice try cheering me up with the tent dress thing, man! I'll get you one for your birthday!

Virdi,
Tum jitne bhi paagal kism ke kyon na ho, I think dil se bahut achhe ho. :)

Anonymous,
I have very radical views on soulmates, so don't even get me started! :)

Gaurav said...

*BUMP*

nicely written

nmk said...

Hey Sayesha:

I completely understand what you are talking about (Have lost too many of my friends to their girl friends, and vice versa).

I guess the way it finally works out involves how the person in the center of this tussle (your friend) is able to manage people. Its about giving his wife the security that he is hers and that no one is a threat to her, and yet finding time to manage his friendships.

That aint an easy rope to walk.

nmk said...

On a side note, if this post had come up in any other blog I would have probably dismissed it as meaningless sentimentality. Coming from you it feels genuine.

. : A : . said...

This is a tough one. Well written.

Cogito said...

Beautifully written !

Siddhu said...

Shit, real touching, Sayesha! I loved it, in fact read it twice.

Ram.C said...

I'm not sure, whom should I pity for -- the author, the would-be or the friend :-( :-( :-(

PuNeEt said...

HI...
I've felt the exactly same some days back wen one my very good friend got married... and I'm gonna give her ur link to read this post... its so true straight from the heart... i can feel each word written there... :-)

I may be wrong but I feel ur post "My TCTSTFTS theory" n this post is written for the same person...

Take care... Cheers

Kroopa Shah (Kr00pz) said...

Yeah, thats touchy. I actually sympathise with your friend. I mean, he has to spend more time with his wife after the wedding. At the same time he doesn't want you to feel left out or ignored. Whats he to do in that situation. Worse is if she tells him to stay away but he thinks for friendship, he shouldn't. Whats he going to do
then???
Ahh, too many questions!!

Pramod said...

Will I ever understand girls?

virdi said...

Sayesha>> main toh bahut aacha insaan hoon and bahut greedy bhi... well if u find me so nice then please cook for me someday... main tere ko aashirwad doonga... beta khush raho, aabaad raho, singapore mein raho, ya hydrabad mein raho...
Pramod>> well guys will never understand girls... I will write a post on girl very soon.. which has been long due...
Sayesha darling>> cheer up or u want a slap from me?? 2 days no post?? are you ok?? or u are in love?? or u are sick?? or u broke ur nail?? now post a post soon...
V..

Michael Higgins said...

Hi Sayesha
Sahil put in a good word for you as one of the most popular India bloggers (see this post).

I can see why: you certain write an interesting blog - and very intimate as well.

I will say that it is fairly normal for a wife to be suspicious of her husband's old female friends. This will be doubly true if you seem only interested in him and not at all interested in her.

If you want to stay friends with him, try to be friends with her. If you don't want to be her friend, ask yourself "why not?"

But you have to respect the fact that she can say, "I don't want you hanging around Sayesha anymore," and he has to "love, honor, and obey" that. She is the only woman who really counts in his life now. You have to respect that.

nmk said...

Maybe I should not be raising this question, but what the hell.

Why is it that someones wife/husband has to be the most important person in their lives? Why is it that they should get to decide whom you can be friends with and why in the world should they define your relationship with everyone else (In a platonic sense ofcourse).

Sayesha said...

Sigh... too many questions, no real answers...

angelsera said...

NMK,
I do agree with you.I was also thinking of the same thing when I read this post.

Just because you get married,does it mean y ou have to stop leading your own life for the other person?

viv said...

NMK, Angel,

The simple fact is this... Marriage entails compromises. The nature of the compromises might differ from couple to couple, but they are there nonetheless.

Therefore, if you get married to someone who (for no justifiable reason) wants you to stay away from your friends, you pick one... your friends or her.

If you're lucky, your spouse won't ask you to make silly compromises... if not, dude, what were you thinking when you said "I do"?! :)

oxymoron said...

sayesha,
u've picked up a highly debateable topic!
let me add my 2 cents (if it's worth nething)
the spouse(he/she) has every right to demand / get the top-most position in their better half's life(i disagree here with nmk)! but he/she has no right to ask you to choose - to decide between the 2!
spouses shouldn't decide a person's social life or friend circle(i agree with nmk here). u should be allowed to be close friends, with whom-so-ever u want. but it is also important that you give ur spouse the respect and priority he/she deserves!
i guess close frenz should also understand, once the 'better half' comes, priorities will change, and they should respect that!

i expect a lot of criticism for my comments! :D

Arz000n said...

When I look back the relationships I have with my female colleagues.....for a moment I pause to think, will I be able to maintain it after my marriage too.

Will they be able to continue with me as FRIENDS and nothing else?

How different it will be to share those "secrets" with my partner n with them?

All thse Qs force me to make a decision of giviing up my online life once I get into a relationhip...no hassles nothing later on :D

Nice post !!

Sayesha said...

Ram C,
//I'm not sure, whom should I pity for -- the author, the would-be or the friend :-( :-( :-(

Very interesting point you brought about. Sometimes it makes matters simpler if we're able to dismiss one of the people as "the bad person". But here, none of the three is "the bad person"! Which makes it even more complex...

NMK,
//Why is it that someones wife/husband has to be the most important person in their lives?

He/she has to be, man! My point is -- if girl X is more important to you than your wife-to-be, why aren't you marrying girl X??

Oxymoron,
//but he/she has no right to ask you to choose

What if she does? What will you do? Tough, eh?

Arz000n,
//All thse Qs force me to make a decision of giviing up my online life once I get into a relationhip...no hassles nothing later on

Someone else said something similar to me a couple of days ago. What a heart-breaking statement...

Anonymous said...

How much crap can a person write?

Sayesha said...

// How much crap can a person write?

As much crap as you can read, my dear.

Which brings me to my next point -- why are you still reading??

Sahil said...

Actually anonymous you know what I think? I think u're one of those people who have become bitter, maybe by a relationship gone sour. But honestly, it doesn't give you the right to be rude without reason.

If you don't agree with Sayesha, that's fine. You can comment and say something a little more thought-provoking than "how much crap can a person write?" If you have a point of view, explain it.

But if you don't, then hold ur peace. And try and sort out what's going on with yourself first.

cool said...

Sayesha...babe is this someone I know too? share news with long distance junta please :)

Sayesha said...

No, girl. You dunno him. None of you guys know him. Only I know him.

:)

so fresh said...

Thank you so much for writing this as an open letter. I just literally stumbled (blogwise) onto your blog, and reading, got to this entry. I just recently (about 3 months now) got married to a guy who was blessed enough to have lots and lots and lots of female friends. When we were dating, it really didn't bother me, and for the most part, i did not know them, or them know me (he and I lived in different states). When we got engaged, or towards engagement, sometimes things would come up which would cause him to relate a tidbit of information about some female friend of his. Sometimes it was good, and sometimes it was so undesirable for me to hear (along the lines of one or some of them liking him at one or some other more recent time) that it was horrible. When we got married, I didn't feel a whole lot of support from his friends who were girls, nor did I feel so very eager to make them a part of my life, although that wouldn't be so neccessary, since we were moving to his home-state, away from everyone we both had recent relationships with. But it is so good to hear things from the perspective you write from. Often, I wonder why it was so weird between me and them, and why I know it won't always be easy when we visit, and this has given me a glimpse as to the underworkings. Feel free to visit my blog. sofresh.blogspot.com.

Sayesha said...

Hi So Fresh,
Thanks for dropping by, girl!
And thanks for giving me the other side of the story too. Tough life...

Anonymous said...

Hi Sayesha,your blog was recmmended to me by a very good friend of mine, who is an ardent fan of yours.I am not even past3 blogs and you have already struck a cord.I just read that open letter,and I salute you for your openess and honesty.I had to walk away from a friend cos I knew his better half could not handle the friendship we shared.Even after years I miss him and the bond we shared.I do wonder some times, if I had stuck around..would she have warmed upto the idea of us....For now I am looking forward to catching up with all your blogs.Cheers.Malika Garg

Sayesha said...

Hi Malika,
Thanks for your comment. I know... this kind of relationship is the hardest... when your closest friend gets married, things become different, you can't explain it, and yet, you can't bear the thought of your place in his life changing into a more backseat one... but I guess that's how life is... incredibly complex...

Anonymous said...

Wow, bull's eye! I was actually in the middle of a really difficult situation. I'm the soon-to-be-married girl whose fiance has lots of female friends. Don't get us wrong, Sayesha. We are not asking our "husbands" to stop their frienship with their old friends, girls or guys, but just being considerate that there are limitations now and old friends would hopefully respect that and know that. Friends would hopefully don't do their ways then suddenly say that the wife is over reacting or something. THe wife doesn't know the female friend. Or there may be some kind of attraction between the female friend that the husband before he met the wife, but although the wife trusts the husband, the wife doesn't know what is in the mind of the female friend. Is she out to get him back (ruin the marriage), to just be friends in the truest sense of the word. Best thing really is to be friends with the wife. I would personally appreciate the effort. I would also like to be a friend but if she acts like she can do anything still with my husband, then that would definitely make me angry at her! Arggggghh. . . something just happened and this girl just sleeps over my fiance's place and oh, man, I REALLY HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Smiling Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jen said...

omg I can sympathise with that.

I did laugh a little too though ;-)

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