Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Home away from home

  • A sweltering 42 degrees outside
  • The first rain after the 42 degrees
  • The smell of that rain falling on the soil
  • Not having to wake up at 5:30 am
  • An avalanche of adoring relatives descending upon me (half of whom I don't know; I did not grow up there)
  • Being told that I've become too thin (Erm, my weight has stayed the same since the year 2001, except for when I was preggers)
  • Being told that Xena is too thin (you don't say!)
  • Being asked if I give her food
  • Xena being asked if I give her food
  • Getting lunch/dinner invitations from relatives on a daily basis
  • Getting lunch invitations from relatives of relatives (ok that's very sweet, but why?)
  • Mom constantly asking me what I want to eat
  • Cousins and cousins-in-law constantly getting me all the things I like to eat
  • Chicken biryani from the restaurant whose name no one knows but which is known as "the place where the owner makes the biryani himself and refuses to remove the dum until IT IS TIME, no matter how long the queue of starved patrons is
  • Mutton biryani from the above-mentioned place
  • Remembering the trauma experienced during my last visit and swearing off street food (blame it on two decades of living in super sanitised Singapore) 
  • Thinking "Ok I will only have a little bit and early enough during my trip so I don't fall sick just before the flight"
  • Roadside chicken samosas on day 2
  • Eating said chicken samosas in a parked car next to the stall, with tears streaming down my face, thanks to the freshly chopped onions that accompany the samosas
  • The driver opening his window because tears are about to roll down his eyes too
  • Roadside chicken pakodas on day 3
  • Roadside chaat on day 3
  • Telling myself that's the last of the street food, but then spotting the pani puri man
  • Trying not to think of the 'behind the scenes' as I eat the street food
  • Roadside pani puri 2 days before my flight (to my credit, I stopped myself at 6)
  • Guiltily offering roadside food to Xena and feeling relieved at her polite rejection
  • Mango season
  • Masala Thums Up
  • Egg rolls
  • Intercity drives to see more relatives who feed me and then feed me some more
  • A flabbergasted Xena looking at Virat Kohli's face on every other giant billboard, selling everything from steel to sherwanis, asking me, "Mama, when does Virat Uncle play cricket?"
  • A flabbergasted Xena counting the cows and bulls (134) spotted on the road during a single (but long) car ride 
  • Shopping, and shopping some more
  • Weighing my suitcase on a daily basis to make sure my shopping didn't exceed my baggage allowance
  • Wondering how the driver passes the time when we go on long shopping trips
  • Getting excited to see the giant bottles of Thums Up at Big Bazar
  • Kaam wali bai touching my feet! (omg she's probably the same age as me)
  • Xena refusing to touch anyone's feet, but doing a shy namaste to save her unsanskari mommy from total humiliation
  • Saas-bahu serials still going strong, which ladies now watch on their phones as they cook
  • More people to send me random WhatsApp forwards
  • More random relatives adding me on Facebook 
  • Hearing fireworks and wondering if someone is getting married or watching the World Cup
  • Kids as young as 1.5 years old swiping away on mobile phones for literally hours
  • Xena discovering in utter amazement that there is such a thing as cable TV that has channels only for children omg
  • Relatives finding out that Xena doesn't get "TV time" and "mobile phone time" and "tablet time" and asking me why I'm torturing my child
  • Trying to cross the road with vehicles coming at me from every direction
  • Trying to cross the above-mentioned road with Xena
  • The sheer affection from people 
  • The utter chaos in everything, everywhere
  • Feeling strangely old and young at the same time when I'm there (perhaps because I have spent my entire adult life in Singapore)
  • Thinking to myself, "What was I thinking? NEVER doing this in summer again!"
  • Thinking to myself, "Oh, come on."
  • Do I hate it? Do I love it? I hate it. I love it. 

Yup, that about sums up my recent India trip.



Friday, May 03, 2019

A gif(t) that keeps on giving

This post is for you, t.

t had posted the following comment on my 'O ajnabi' post:

OMG Sayesha, I've enjoyed all these posts I've read so far! How do you make such high-quality gifs? Sometimes the actions in some gifs are too fast, but yours are perfect. Do you have a post on creating gifs? If not, at least for fan junta like me, please write one :)

I discovered the art of creating gifs last year during the A-Z blogathon when I was trying to find a way to bring across some of the ridiculousness of our Bollywood songs in a more visual manner. Once I discovered the amazing world of gifs, I stopped doing screenshots.

So here you go -- my step-by-step guide to make a gif. And since you seem to have watched endured this horrible Prem movie, I've made the tutorial on one of its songs.

I know there are plenty of sites where you can create gifs, but I personally love giphy.com because it doesn't ask me to register/log in and it's very, very easy to use.

Step 1: Go to giphy.com and click on 'create' on the top right.
Step 2: Enter the URL of your video in the 'Add any URL' field.

Step 3: This will bring you to this preview page. The bottom number circled in red will give you your start time so you can choose that based on where you want your gif to start. The top field circled in red gives you the number of seconds that your gif will last. I usually go for the default 4 seconds but sometimes you may need a few more seconds to capture something hilarious, so go ahead and increase it by a couple of seconds. Once you're happy with your gif (the preview will keep playing so you can play around with the two numbers to get the best gif), click on 'Continue to decorate'. 

Step 4: At this step, you can do a lot of embellishment to your gif, but I never use this feature because my amazing actors are enough and need no embellishment whatsoever. Click on 'Continue to upload'. 

Step 5: Click on 'Upload to Giphy'.


Step 6: Click on 'Embed'.

Step 7: Copy the html code and paste it in your post. 


Step 8: Let Kareena Kapoor's talent blow you away, like it has done with Hrithik.


Hope I was clear in my instructions. Please do try it out -- making gifs is easier than it sounds.

If you have any questions, drop me a note. My email address is in my profile info.

Enjoy! :) 



Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Z is for Zehreela zehreela pyaar

I'm so sorry to subject you to two Urmila songs one after the other, but there could not have been a more befitting end to the A-Z blogathon than this song from the 1997 Ram Gopal Varma movie Daud. In this movie, Sanjay Dutt and Urmila are on the run with a tiny briefcase that they think contains gold, but it actually contains a nuclear bomb. Yep, a nuclear bomb. In a briefcase.


The song starts off with Sanjay Dutt being followed in the middle of a jungle. Creepy vibes all around.


And then he spots the ghost. A sleeping ghost that lifts her ass a little too high with each breath.


Understandably, just like any normal human would do in the middle of a creepy jungle, he goes and touches the sleeping ghost. And very understandably, the sleeping ghost immediately breaks into a song about 'poisonous love'. This is already a toxic relationship for sure.


Urmila starts her usual RGV-heroine antics. Levitating bum and all, you know.

This jungle is amazing. It even has its own massage parlour.


Then they play Vikram aur Betaal for a while.


Can't quite tell who looks scarier.

Even the owl in the jungle seems creeped out by them.

Have a good fright!






Monday, April 29, 2019

Y is for Yeh khabar chhapwa do

My top choice for Y would have been 'Yara o yara' just for Sunny Paji and his out-of-order scooter. But the playback/giphy problem occured again so I had to bump that off and have this instead.

The song, from the 1997 movie Aflatoon, is a riot of colours.


Yellow yellow, dirty fellow


This is perfectly normal behaviour next to a railway track.


And this reminds me of pancakes that are flipped a little too late.


So literally everything on her is green. Even contact lenses. Matlab kuchh nahin bakhsha.


I dressed Xena up like this once because it was dress-up day at preschool and she wanted to be a tree.


Assault on the eyes


Ants in pants


And what step is this?!


I've always wondered what locals think about Bollywood actors who make complete asses of themselves when shooting abroad. Matlab seriously, kuchh bhi?

What to do -- we are like this wonly.

Enjoy!





Saturday, April 27, 2019

X is for Mr. X

Okay, the letter for today is X so thoda cheating toh allowed hai.

Today's offering is the title song from the 2015 movie Mr. X, in which Emraan Hashmi plays an invisible vigilante. I can only imagine the discussions that led to this movie.

Emraan Hashmi - I don't want to do any more ghost movies.

Mukesh Bhatt - Errr...

Emraan Hashmi - And I'm sick of the serial kisser tag too. So no kissing either.

Mukesh Bhatt - Errr...

Emraan - I'm just very sick of doing the same old things. Let's please do something different. So no ghosts and no kissing. Okay?

Vikram Bhatt - OH. Great idea. How about you play a kissing ghost?

Emraan Hashmi - You got it.

Needless to say, the movie (which Vikram Bhatt insisted was not a copy of Hollow Man) tanked badly. Excerpts from some reviews:

Rajiv Masand: "a singularly humourless film"
Hindustan Times: "a bizarre tale of an invisible kisser"
Firstpost: "Emraan Hashmi, intelligence and talent, everything is invisible in the film".
Daily News and Analysis: "There's nothing to see, not even Emraan Hashmi."


So yeah, he's invisible. We got it.


This is him mouthing the lyrics of this bizarre song "You can call me X." while Jacqueline Fernandez Lite (aka Amyra Dastur) writhes around.


However bizarre it may be, the underwater kiss is not a new concept in Bollywood. But the underwater invisible kisser sure is!


Speaking of weird underwater behaviour, here is our heroine casually taking a bath in a bathtub, wearing all of Bappi da's jewellery.


Because why not.


Oooof so much happening in one gif, I don't know where to start the description.

Enjoy the title track of Mr. X.



PS: Apparently the "You can call me X" part of the song was sung by Mahesh Bhatt.
PPS: Apparently, the movie also stars Tanmay Bhat as Hashmi's friend Popo.
PPPS: Okay, I really think we should all watch this movie right away. 



Friday, April 26, 2019

W is for Why not Jimmy?

Okay, so my gif woes will not end. My first choice for W was this song called 'Why not Jimmy' from the 2008 movie Jimmy, starring Mithun Da's son Mahaaaaakshay Chakraborty (also known as Mimoh). But like what happened before, Shemaroo will not allow playback on other sites so I can't generate gifs. Normally, I'd just pick another song in a case like this and I did consider some options, including 'What is your style number?' but I couldn't do it.

'Why not Jimmy' is that amazing.

(Though I have to say I'm still wondering if it's supposed to be 'Why not Jimmy?' or 'Why not, Jimmy?')

Anyway, for this song, I decided to make do with screenshots instead of gifs. Though I'm heartbroken because the gifs would have been kickass. You'll know what I mean when you see the full video.



The song starts off with Mimoh trying to be Keanu Reeves from The Matrix.



Except that this Neo has only one fan backing him up -- literally. And that's daddy Mithun.


This reminds me a conditioner ad. With Mimoh showing the 'before'.


Let's take a closer look. Bad hair day for Mimoh? Or bad heir day for Mithun?

And now it's only fair that we also see some post-conditioner photos.


Aha.


Oho.


And oh, btw, he's also a dancer like daddy. In fact, when he dances, sparks fly. Off his shoes. Like, really.

All I can say at the end of this song is 'Why, Jimmy, why?'

Check it out.




Thursday, April 25, 2019

V is for Vada pav

This is like a sequel to the Batata vada song.

This movie Daal mein kuchh kala hai is actually from 2012, but it has a very dated look. In fact, when I first saw the song, I thought it was a movie from the late 80s or early 90s.

This is the plot of the movie according to Wikipedia (warning: your head will hurt after reading this):

Daal Mein Kuch Kaala Hai is a tale of a budding actress (Veena Malik) who is over motivated to become a successful in Bollywood. The story starts with Mr. Dabu who is a middle aged man in his forties, a total loser absconded and is being left unaccompanied in life. All of a sudden he gets rich after hitting a roll-over prize of birthright, and then decides to walk off to this actress to share his destiny and his future in the company of her. The starlet gets surprised and shocked after witnessing so much of wealth with him in cash. She initially agrees what his boyfriend had planned out to con Mr. Dabu, but is totally puzzled on what to carry out. They both sooner or later travel to the mysterious island, which is further followed by her boyfriend and a couple of unknown friends. The entire journey is filled with full humor, enjoyment and entertainment.


Aside from vada pav, the song also features some other highlights.


You know how some Bollywood movies have hero ka duplicate? This song has duplicate ka bhi duplicate. Check out "Anil Kapoor".


OMG. Bhai is going to have a fit if he sees this. And the guy on the right looks like Nawaz's duplicate (or maybe Nawaz himself before he became a superstar?) but I'm not too sure.


And here comes "Mr. Bachchan". Parampara, pratishtha aur pav.


And who is this supposed to be?!! Govinda????!!!! Chichi has become chhee chhee!

The worst part about this song? It has made me crave vada pav. At 10:13 pm.



PS: Oh, Judwaa 2 also has a song called 'Vada pav' that goes something like 'Pav mein vada, vada mein pav, chutney laga ke sabko khilao, maza nai aaya toh bhaad mein jao'.



U is for Ui amma ui amma

This is kinda sad. My original choice for U was 'Ulfat Ulfat' from Nanhe Jaisalmer. It's a song in which Bobby Deol (who plays actor Bobby Deol) is dancing badly to Himesh singing badly. In other words, a total treat for Bolly fans. Last night, giphy.com wouldn't load so I couldn't do the post and today when giphy is loading, it tells me that Eros will not allow playback on giphy so I can't generate  the gifs.

Sigh.

So I have no choice but to use another song, which is SUCH a cringe-fest that it actually makes me feel less bad about all my wasted efforts on Ulfat ulfat (I'd written all the text and was just waiting to generate the gifs).

The David Dhawan-Govinda-Karisma-Shakti Kapoor-Purnima combination is SO predictable and SO horrible! Raja Babu from 1994 is only one such example.


The song starts with Govinda peeing on a tree and wiping his hands on sidekick Shakti Kapoor's towel. Because this is a Govinda movie and so why not.


Enter Karisma Kapoor on an elephant and under a flower shower. Because this is a Karisma movie and so why not.


And then she jumps off the elephant...
...straight into his arms.
Because this is a... ok you get the picture.


What the..?!


Hawwwww! Shraddha, dekh tere papa kya kar rahe hain!

Choreography ftw.

Here you go!





Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Rukaawat ke liye khed hai

Sorry, folks. I'm working on this song 'Ulfar ulfat' from Nanhe Jaisalmer for my U post, but giphy.com is acting up so I can't create any gifs. Might have to move the U post to tomorrow. 



Tuesday, April 23, 2019

T is for Towel mein baahar jaaogi

Contrary to her innocent-looking face, Juhi Chawla sure has done a lot of crass stuff.

This song, from the 1994 movie Eena Meena Deeka is one of them (though not as bad as some others).

The songs starts off with her emerging from behind a curtain wearing nothing but a knotted top and a *gasp* TOWEL!


Except that the towel doesn't really look like a towel. Heroine hai aakhir, thoda embellishment toh mangta hai.

Rishi Kapoor seems to be wearing what was formerly her skirt.


He's also trying to stop her from going out because 'towel mein baahar jaaogi toh halla mach jaayega'.


And sure enough, halla has been machaoed amongst the (uniformed) mawalis.


And here's Rishi Kappor, channeling his inner Govinda more than Govinda himself channels his inner Govinda.


He also attempts to channel his inner Rajnikanth.


Yes, cows being milked is part of the beats in the song.


Juhi, I have no words for the choreography you were subjected to.


And then it's time for the annual sports day, featuring a very interesting tug of war.

Oh, at some point he actually pulls her towel-skirt off. Like, totally off her. I've spared you the gif. You're welcome.


Awww look, he's trying to protect her modesty by covering her towel... with HIS towel. (At least hers LOOKED like a skirt, you dhakkan.)

Very good. Marad towels are totally decent outerwear, no?

You guys go and watch this; I'm throwing in the towel.