U is for united

When it comes to resolutions, I believe in sole proprietorship. Joint ventures are not my thing, because from my experience, they rarely work out. It may be tempting to think of having another person working towards exactly the same goals for company and motivation, but after a while, things go downhill.

I usually do not get into the 'Let's do this together and we will achieve it'. My motto in such cases has always been "Bhaiya, tum apne raste, main apne raste." It works for me because I'm generally not someone who needs any cheering or company when it comes to resolutions. I make my resolutions, and I work towards them, and I achieve most, if not all. Another reason for not getting into the whole 'let's motivate each other towards this goal' is that I would drive the other person completely mad. If I have agreed to play badminton and my baddy partner sends a message saying they overslept or are too tired to turn up, I will still turn up... not at the court, but at their home, drag them out of bed and thwack the living daylights out of them with my badminton racquet. Yep, I'm scary like that. And that's why I'm very anti-social when it comes to 'together-goals'. As I say, I am my own company and I am my own motivation.

Which is why, when Viv's cousin was discussing resolutions for 2016 with his and his sister during our December India trip last year, I chose to remain silent. I became silent-er (if that's even possible) when the discussed steered towards taking a united approach to resolutions. Oh dear lord, no. I was about to make a quick exit when something she said caught my attention.

SMART resolutions.

Specific. Measurable. Achievable. Realistic. Timely.

So instead of saying vague stuff like "I will drink more water" or "I will drown my sorrows in H2O", you say, "I'll drink 2 litres of water every day." Instead of saying, "I'll get fitter", you say, "I'll lose X kg in Y months." or "I'll run 5 km every day." Instead of saying, "I'll Skype more with parents.", you say "I'll Skype with them X times a week." These goals are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and have a time frame.

Now that she had my attention, I slunk back in my seat. Of course, setting goals is one thing, having a plan to achieve them is another, and actually achieving them is a whole other ball game. What she was suggesting was for us to have some kind of accountability about where we are with our goals after regular intervals. In essence, set SMART resolutions, share them with one another, and every month, be accountable about your progress.

The idea appealed to me very much. I did not have to share the same goals with someone, or work together with someone to achieve them. I could continue doing my own thing, but with a big difference. SMART goals and accountability.

So I signed up.

It's been four months into 2016, and I have to say this united approach has been working very well for all of us, as is evident in the emails we send at the end of the month, summarising our progress. Of course, it's not like we 'succeed' at every item every month, but it has helped.

It has helped me catch up on my travel blog -- I had several trips that I had not blogged about, and because I set specific targets (Jan: Chiang Mai; Feb: Telunas, Yercaud; Mar: Perth), I was able to complete all. This was so much better than 'Be more regular with travel blogging.' I would have never gotten to going back and blogging in detail about trips that happened years ago.

I also set a strange but important goal -- 'Go out for something -- anything -- without Xena once a month'. Because my day and life pretty much revolves around her, this weird resolution really helps me stay sane and preserve my sense of self. So I went for a dinner with a friend in January, had a Xena-less ladies' night at home with two old friends in February, had breakfast outside on a weekday (!) in March, and went for a movie with a friend in April.

I've already blogged about my resolution to learn to cook one new dish a month, and make it a part of our regular meals.

The biggest success, however, has to be in the field of my explosive headaches. From time to time, I suffer from these insane headaches that just won't go, and sometimes last the whole day and the next. They drive me crazy, but I had kind of learnt to live with them. I never thought 'prevent headaches' could be a new year resolution until I got into this SMART resolutions business. So I asked myself, "Why not?" and set a target 'Limit painkiller consumption to not more than 1 a month.' You see, the only way for me to get by my day when I get one of these mind-splitting headaches is to take a paracetamol tablet, so there is no question of cheating on this resolution by getting the headache but not taking the painkiller. I would not be able to function. It is that terrible. So the only way for me to was to really look into preventing it. And thanks to this resolution, I have really looked into all possibilities that trigger the headaches -- anaemia, being out in the sun, not having a substantial breakfast, long gaps between meals, not drinking enough water, not enough sleep -- and I've somehow worked out a way to (mostly) prevent them by taking measures. Because there are so many variables, and any random combination can cause the headaches, I'm still struggling, but at least I do what is in my hands. If you get persistent headaches, you are alone in it. No one else can help you. People can show sympathy, give you food and drinks and medicine, massage your head, help with your chores, give you a break, but the problem has not gone away. It will come back. They can't prevent it for you. Such things are between you and yourself. And only you can truly help yourself.

Of course, some resolutions take their time, but tracking them on a monthly basis shows me where I am. For example, I'm supposed to teach Xena the Hindi alphabet by the end of the year, and so far she has only learnt the vowels and three consonants. So I know that I need to gear up a little more. Another resolution is to take a course and learn something new by the end of the year, but so far I have not found any courses that have interested me enough and can fit into my schedule.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm really glad I got into this united resolutions thingie. And for someone who's as 'hardass-lone-wolf' as I am on myself when it comes to resolutions, this has softened me a little. Into seeing how others can help you. In weird ways.

If you let them in. 

Plan view

I just got back from a new year's party and before I hit the bed, I want to make this official. All the things I plan to do in the new year. My new year resolutions. It is a very general list, applicable to almost everyone, but it's these simple things that can sometimes be so hard to adhere to that you need to sign and stamp it on the first day of the year itself.

De-LTF. Like mad.
Viv and I plan to lose some serious weight this year. Not off our bodies, but off our home. We have lived here for about 6 years now and accumulated a lot of LTF stuff. LTF as in 'Lie There Forever'. I had posted about LTF here, but here's a refresher. It's basically all the stuff that you never use and it just takes up space because it lies there forever. We have some simple rules. The first round is for each person to throw/donate their own LTF stuff. The key is to keep only the stuff you need or use. Anything you don't use or have not needed in the last one year, goes. If you look at something and hesitate, it goes. Next is to ask each other key questions such as, "What on earth is this??" or "Whose is this?" or "Is this yours?" or "Oh my goodness, this is still here??" or "What do you intend to do with this?" If a satisfactory reply is not received, the questioning party has the freedom to dispose of the item in question. The plan is to declutter our home, create more space, make it neater and more organised. And keep it that way. I have had enough of articles that assure me that we have a kid and so it's okay that our home is messy, etc. etc. Please. I shall not kid myself anymore. My kid is not the one making the mess. If anything, my kid is a pro at tidying up. The mess is all Viv and me. There is simply no excuse.

Cook better, look better.
Last year, a friend of mine mentioned this app called MyFitnessPal, which has been a total eye-opener. Viv and I generally eat healthy home-cooked food, and are moderately active too, so it was a shock to me when I found out the caloric content of the some of the foods we eat, especially when we eat out. Basically, one meal at a restaurant can take up almost your entire day's caloric needs. Whoa. That is scary. Add to it the extra salt and fat and MSG found in such meals. Ugh. All this while I'd always had 'be fit' as my perennial resolution, but I had never looked too closely at what I was eating. But now I have realised that you can exercise all you want and you can be as fit as you want, but you still need to watch what you're eating. The plan for 2014 is to be more conscious when cooking, e.g. tone down the salt and sugar, ketchup and sauces, and make sure our intake of fruits, vegetables and water is sufficient. We are adventurous about food, so we might not be cutting down on the meals we eat outside, but we will surely be more conscious of the quantities we eat. A 1000-calorie meal is a no-no-no.

Be more organised
I might be good at organising events, but Viv is most definitely better at being organised himself. In the coming year, I want to be more like him in this regard. I want to know where my things are, especially my keys and my phone and my bus card. I want to do my accounts properly like he does. I want to have a system for everything. A system that works. In other words, I guess I want to be like... Singapore!

Be curious and learn
Recently, we went to the River Safari and as I watched the animals in fascination, I learnt a lot (e.g. how to tell the difference between a crocodile, an alligator and a ghariyal), had several questions in mind (e.g. I saw a signboard describing mammals and wondered what was the correct use of the word 'suckle' - do young mammals suckle their mothers, or do the mothers suckle the young?). I was filled with curiosity and excitement about learning new things and finding out the answers to the questions in my head. I came home, googled for an hour and got all my answers. As well as a sense of fulfillment. Many times, I come across a new word in the newspaper, an interesting reference in a movie, a phrase that sounds like it might have a fascinating origin. Most of the time, I forget about them. In 2014, I plan to pick up such things, follow through, learn more, and try to better understand them. Unless it's politics or the stock market. Those I will joyfully skip.

More outings and gatherings
Since Xena goes to the hospital a lot (something that I hope changes for the better in 2014), it is hard to catch a window period when she's well and can go for an outing. I can't remember the number of times I have cancelled a play date, a picnic, waterplay or an outing because she fell sick or was hospitalised. Even her docs say that until she starts eating and her lungs get bigger and stronger, there is not much I can do, but this year, I will keep a sharp eye out for those gaps between her sickness bouts, and I will make the most of them by organising as many outings and gatherings as I can.

Me-time and me-things
Since Xena was born, I have focused all of my time on her, and even when I did have some me-time to do me-things, I have felt slight pangs of guilt. I know I shouldn't, but I did. In 2014, I intend to shrug off that guilt and do some things just by myself and for myself and my own sanity, be it going shoe-shopping when she's at school, or taking up offers from family and friends to babysit Xena while Viv and I catch a movie in the theatre, or simply watching something on YouTube (we have unsubscribed from all TV channels) when Xena naps. I am aware that this might be the first thing to get sacrificed in the tug of war for time, but I will try my best to catch that episode of Koffee with Karan or that trailer of that horrible new Hindi movie that I'm never going to watch.

In the new year, I want to sing more, Skype more, sew more and, this is a very important one -- blog more.

What do you plan to do in 2014? :)

What's the word?

"So what's your New Year resolution?"

It's the last day of the year and you see this question flying everywhere around you.

I got to thinking. Why do we make New Year resolutions? (Anyone saying "To break them!" will get the final whack of 2009 with my hypothetical rolled-up newspaper.)

Why is it that we need to make a resolution? Why can't we just wake up on any given day and carry out whatever constitutes the resolution we want to make, without saying it out loud to ourselves and others? Why do we make it for the New Year? Why not on any random day? What is it about the New Year?

And then the following points struck me, which answered the why, when and how of resolutions.

1. There is always something or the other about ourselves we want to change or improve.

2. We are inherently lazy.

3. We are easily distracted.

4. We need a plan and a deadline to do what we want to do.

5. Sometimes we need a friendly nudge (and at other times, a kick in the ass) to carry out what we want to do.

6. Sometimes we need a new slate because we have written so much on the old one and crossed so many things out that nothing makes sense anymore.

And a sum total of all of the above points is what makes us make New Year Resolutions. All kinds. Get better marks, get into institution X, play better, exercise more, keep the house clean, get a six-pack, blog more, read the news regularly, watch less TV, make time for hobbies, learn a new language, run the marathon, lose weight, get a promotion, stay in touch with loved ones, retire with XX dollars in the bank, judge less, learn to play a musical instrument, eat more fruits, grow plants, remember to use sunscreen, drink more water, control anger, forgive and forget, etc. etc.

When we declare our resolutions, it's a virtual contract we make with ourselves, and when we tell people, we get them to sign as witnesses. We need them to give us that friendly nudge (or kick in the ass, as necessary) to do what we set out to do. All of us need one another to do that. And we know how much we need the nudges and the kicks to get anything done.

However, there are two sides to having such witnesses. I read an interesting article somewhere that talked of a study which proved that people who share details of their resolutions with others (in an effort to push themselves further by bringing in more witnesses, I presume) are less likely to carry them out. Wow. Never thought of that. The reason given was that when people ask how the resolution is going, the person is likely to make up a couple of milestones achieved and actually believe them to be true! To the point that at the end of it, we may have achieved only 30% of what we set out to do, but we truly believe that we did 100%.

Here's an example. There is a difference between going to the gym and actually doing something in there. Sure, it sounds totally awesome to say "I go to the gym thrice a week, for two hours each." when someone asks "So how's your gymming going?" But what we do in the gym for those two hours is really up to us. And at the end of it, we may actually start believing that we work out for two hours each, thrice a week, but there are just no results. The resolution becomes a burden. And then we give up. We curse ourselves for sharing our resolutions. Hell, we even curse ourselves for making those resolutions in the first place.

But of course, there is the flipside. Of not sharing your resolutions. Of not telling anyone what you want to do, but having very specific objectives and a timeline. The problem? No witnesses. The deal is between you and you. So if either one of you wants out, the deal falls through without any dispute or settlement.

So there we are. Confused. To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Sure, we need the friendly nudge to push us into doing what we want to do, but we definitely do not want to have the questions flung at us when we're not able to achieve our targets.

So from now on, this is what I am going to do. I will come up with an extremely general word, which will stand for everything that I want to do in the new year. The plans, objectives and results will only be in my head, so no one can ask me specifics about my progress (and I wouldn't have to 'eat my word', so to speak), but a friendly nudge now and then on "So how's your [[extremely general word]] coming along?" wouldn't hurt.

My word for 2010 is 'discipline'.

Bewdas, do you have one? Consider the comments space a blank contract and feel free to put down your word for 2010. Just one word, okay? And if you leave your email address, I promise to send you that friendly nudge. Or a kick in the ass, whatever works for you. :)

Happy new year!