Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sunny side up

Me (about my nephew) - He's so polite and respectful for his age. They don't make teenagers like that anymore, you know. He has what I call "sanskaar" (values). 

You (almost offended) - Hey! I have sanskaar too!

Me (teasing) - Oh yeah? Where??

You (pointing at your face, sunburnt from all that cricket) - See? Right here. SUN SCAR.


Ahem. You know what?

I don't love you for your jokes.

I love you in spite of them.

Happy second anniversary, you dhakkan. May the madness never stop. :D

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Success(ion) planning

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) found out about a secret meeting called 'Bollywood boyz' (yes, she did pause to roll her eyes) and decided to do some investigation.

"Boyz... sheesh." She said to herself as she climbed the tree outside Harman Baweja's house at 10 in the night. But her extensive tree-climbing experience made the task very easy and soon she was perched on one of the branches and taking notes.

So John Abraham is standing at the door with his hands on his hips, as the designated bouncer for the night. Harman Baweja, Hrithik Roshan, Riteish Deshmukh, Viveik Oberoi, Abhishek Bachchan, Imran Khan, Shreyas Talpade, Emraan Hashmi and Ranbir Kapoor are sitting around the bar in the living room and drinking away.

Shreyas - Guys guys... stop now. We need to focus. This is like our tenth meeting and we have not done anything so far.

SSSK almost falls off the branch to hear that she has not been kept in the loop of the earlier nine meetings.

Ranbir - Ugh! I can't quite remember what happened in the last nine. I was too drunk I think. Somebody tell me.

Harman - Sigh... okay fine. We have gathered here, for the tenth time to discuss our careers. The old blood, aka the bloody buddhas are ruling Bollywood and we, the young blood, are sitting joblessly at home.

Hrithik - Yes, so the plan is to take the sensible route and embrace the fact that...

Ranbir - ...that hamara kuchh nahin ho sakta.

Hrithik smacks him on the head.

Hrithik - No! Sheesh. Not that. We should embrace the fact that the buddhas are going to stick around for another decade or so, and trying to compete with them would be foolish.

Imran - Yes, and so it would be wise for us to do something else for the next ten years -- start a business partnership maybe -- and when the... ahem... seniors are.. erm... you know... we take over.

Ranbir - I love this idea. I love you guys. Not in the same way as Deepika, but I love you guys.

Emraan - Bewda saala... the important thing is for us to stay united, and ten years later when we get our chance, not to back-stab one another. So I say we each pick one of the seniors we would like to replace, and simply slip into their shoes. That way no one competes with one another.

Harman - Great idea. Shall we start by making a list of all the errr... seniors, and picking whom each of us is going to replace?

Abhishek Bachchan starts writing down names on a whiteboard.

Viveik (really drunk) - Buddhe saale... ek pair kabr mein hai, doosre pair se movie contract sign kar rahe hain... na marte hain na humko kaam karne dete hain!

Shreyas - Calm down, Viveik. What is this yaar?

Viveik (blushing) - Nahin woh toh main... thoda angry young man... I am going for Amitabh Bachchan, you see.

Abhishek - *COUGH COUGH*

Viveik - What?


Viveik - WHAT?!

Hrithik - Errr.. Viveik, I think you should let Abhishek take this one.

Viveik (really really drunk) - Kyun?? Iska baap lagta hai woh??

Everyone calms Viveik down and makes him sit on the couch. A bucket is put next to him.

Suddenly there's some commotion at the door. Apparently there's an uninvited visitor.

John - Excuse me? May I help you?

Mystery visitor (takes off his cap) - Hey Johnny! It's me, Himesh!

John - Arre Himeshbhai! Topi mein maine aapko pehchana hi nahin! Batao kya haal?

Himesh - Suna hai yahan koi meeting ho rahi hai?

John - Haan woh aise hi... daaru party hai...

Himesh - Arre Johnny, you don't have to hide it from me. Actually I know what it is. And I want to join too. I feel that I have the same grudge as you guys. In fact, we are all in the same boat. And the fact that the group is called 'Bollywood Boyzzzz' has made my decision stronger.

John (glares) - It's not 'Bollywood Boyzzzz', it's 'Bollywood Boyz'. Ek hi Z hai. Unlike your Karzzzz. Chalo niklo yahan se. Kahan kahan se aa jaate hain middle-aged log wanting to be part of 'Bollywood Boyz'...

Himesh - Haan haan, ja raha hoon. Johnny gaddaar! Dekh loonga tum sabko!

Himesh leaves.

Emraan - Well done, bouncer John! Anyway... so we have Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Salman, Aamir, Ajay, Akshay and Saif.

 - Holy shit. Seven versus ten?

 - Ten? Arre don't count the bouncer yaar. 

- Oh yeah! Though I wonder if John is beginning to get the drift that we never count him... 

- Ahem. Woh saat aur hum nau??!! Bahut naainsafi hai!

Viveik - Abbe! Gabbar ki acting karega toh tujhe Amitabh ki position nahin mil jaayegi. Asli Gabbar was Amjad Khan!

Abhishek - Shhhh! Dad ke saamne aisa galti se bhi mat bol dena! He is very touchy about his Gabbar in RGV's Aag. He still gets into that character at times and makes all of us address him as sardaar. It's so annoying!

Ranbir - Mere ko tere par bharosa nahin hai. Abhi aise bol raha hai, baad mein baap ki side par ho jayega.

Abhishek - Sigh, I wish. Everytime I star in a movie, either he's in it, or he's in another one with a hotter chick. He's been elbowing me out for so long now, that's it! He says I have let the good Bachchan name down. I have to do something for my own career now. I will do anything I have to!

Shreyas - Anyway... So what we do about this seven versus nine situation?

Harman - I was thinking...

Hrithik (in a sarcastic tone) - Oh you do that too?

Harman glares at Hrithik.

Ranbir (addressing Hrithik and Harman) - Hey guys... I think you should forget your differences... which are actually about your similarities... oh wait, what was I saying originally?

Everyone ignores him.

Harman - Look Hrithik, there is a workaround. See I have almost replaced you anyway. There can be only one of us. You have tried your luck, now it's my turn. So I say I will replace Hrithik Roshan.

Hrithik - Saale... I am right here!

Harman - Yaar tera toh kuchh hua nahin... maybe I can achieve the heights that our face, body and dancing are truly worthy of.

Hrithik - Our?! So you admit! Ha! He admits!

Hrithik is heartbroken to see that no one could care less.

Emraan - Anyway, baaki log bolo yaar.

Shreyas - I was thinking... Ajay Devgan... we have so many similarities... we're both not much of lookers... and boy, can we act or what.

Ranbir - Ajay Devgan?! Tu aur Ajay Devgan? Can you ride two motorbikes at once? Ajay ki entry kaise hui thi yaad hai? Tu toh rickshey par aana! Bada aaya Ajay Devgan! What is this art film guy doing here anyway?? Who invited him??

Abhishek - What about you, Imran?

Imran (shrugs his shoulders) - Mamu, who else?

Abhishek - Why? Because Mamu said so?

Imran (shrugs his shoulders again) - Yeah, what else?

Viveik - Riteish, mere ko toh Amitabh mil gaya. Tujhko kaun mila?

Riteish - I'm thinking Salman Khan... goofy character... I can do that.

Ranbir - Abbe! Body dekhi hai Salman ki? Woh body hai toh tu dead body hai!

Bouncer John (from the door) - Guys! Talking of body... (flexes his biceps)

Ranbir - Abbe chup! You can't speak today. Just do what Shilpa Shetty asked you to do!

John - Huh? What did Shilpa Shetty ask me to do?

Ranbir (starts singing) - Shut up and bounce baby bounce...

This goes on for two hours, and finally the meeting is concluded. Without any conclusions. The date of the next meeting is fixed and everyone leaves.

SSSK - Argh! Everyone is off in a different direction. Main kiska peechha karoon??

Suddenly she sees a hooded figure on foot. Realising that she has no other means of transport, she starts following him.

The hooded figure walks for a long long time before he reaches a bungalow. SSSK stealthily walks behind him, and when he rings the doorbell, she hides in the bushes.

The door opens and the hood comes off.

"Abhishek Bachchan!" she gasps.

Taking out her notebook, she makes herself comfortable amongst the bushes and starts furiously writing.

She lets out another gasp when she sees the occupants of that room. Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Salman, Aamir, Amitabh, Ajay, Akshay and Saif.

Amitabh - You are late.

Abhishek - Dad, aap gaadi de dete toh...

Amitabh - Shut up. If you derserved a gaadi, you'd have a gaadi.

Abhishek murmurs to himself.

Amitabh (in Gabbar mode again) - Kitne aadmi they?

Abhishek (rolls his eyes but decides to humour him) - Nau, sardaar.

Amitabh - WHAT?! Nau sardaar?? Bollywood mein itne sardaar kab se aa gaye?? Woh sala Jimmy Shergill bhi pahunch gaya kya? Hainnn??

Abhishek - No, Dad. Nau comma sardaar. Bouncer ko count nahin kiya.

Amitabh - Achha achha. And what was the outcome?

Abhishek - Same as before.

Shah Rukh - Haha! The 10-year plan, eh?

Abhishek - Yeah. We're going to wait another decade and each of us will replace one of you.

Amitabh - Hahahahahahahaha!

Shah Rukh - Hahahahahahahaha!

Aamir - Hahahahahahahaha!

Salman - Hahahahahahaha! Errr.. wait, why are we laughing again? Shouldn't we be coming up with a counter-plan?

Aamir - Abbe dhakkan! Dus saal mein toh apne bachhe bade ho jayenge!

Amitabh (looks at Abhishek) - Sigh... hopefully.

Abhishek glares at the carpet.

Shah Rukh - That's right! Dus saal mein toh apne bachhe bade ho jayenge! And they will take over us!

Amitabh (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Shah Rukh (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Aamir (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Akshay (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Ajay (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Saif (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Salman (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha! (looks around the room at all of them and suddenly realises something) OH SHIT!!

He takes out his mobile phone and dials a number.

Salman - Hello Katrina... erm... guess what? I'm about to say something that you have been waiting for. This is going to make you very very happy...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

String quartet

I'd seen this video sometime last year, but this morning Viv was playing it on youtube and I remembered how this had blown me away the first time I'd seen it. Thought I'd play it at the bar on this lazy sunday afternoon.

Youtube video courtesy of rpoland.

If you have the time, do experience it twice, the first time without watching the video. Unbelievable what someone can create using a single instrument...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Viv toh pagal hai

So have you ever woken up and said to yourself, "Man! Suddenly I feel like watching 'Dil toh pagal hai'?

Okay fine, you haven't. Just asking. Bhaav kaiko kha rela hai re? Hmmph!

Well, my Bollywood buddy Pizzadude and I have. And so when he suggested that we watch DTPH during one of the weekends, I couldn't contain my excitement. See, this is the problem. There is this genre of movies from when we were kids/teenagers (e.g. MPK, HAHK, DTPH, KKHH, etc.) which seem kind of silly right now, and it takes a deep sense of senseless love and forgiveness for us to watch it now when we are in our late twenties. And Pizzadude and I have never found anyone as willing as each other to watch (and actually enjoy) movies from that genre. Most of my friends are Bollywood cynics (there was one who wasn't but she moved to Dubai) and Viv sleeps through all of them anyway, so it's great that Pizzadude and I are not only Bollywood freaks, we actually have the same taste in movies.

So when I told Viv we were planning to watch DTPH, he jumped.

Viv - I want to watch it too!
Me - WHAT?
Viv - Yeah!
Me - Really??
Viv - Yeah!
Me - You want to watch DTPH?
Viv - Yeah!
Me - Of all movies, DTPH?
Viv - Yeah!
Me - Okay fine. You'll sleep anyway.

The problem is that he didn't sleep. On the other hand, in order to show his support for us (and prove my claim about his sleeping wrong), the poor chap tried hard to find ways to stay interested. By bringing in cricket, software, his rather sad knowledge of Bollywood, anything he could actually.

As soon as the movie starts...

Me - Ooh. Yash Chopra will appear in the opening credits with his wife.
Pizzadude (pointing to the TV screen when they appear) - Oh yeah, that's them!
Viv (out of nowhere) - Is Yash Chopra dead?
Me (dirty look) - Nope. That was Yash Johar.
Viv - *nodding wisely* (but most likely wondering who Yash Johar was)

During the song 'Le gayi le gayi'...

Viv (in his 'wise' voice) - You see... this is exactly where Lata Mangeshkar started to sound really bad...
Me (straight face) - Dude, this is Asha Bhosle.
Pizzadude - Hahaha!
Viv - *sheepish face*

Pizzadude (during the 'Le gayi le gayi' song) - Karishma Kapoor was so fit in the movie na?
Me - Yeah man! She had an awesome body.
Viv (pointing to the TV screen) - Yeah, she looks fit. But she has thunder thighs.
Pizzadude and me - *totally speechless at this totally random statement*

20 minutes into the movie...

Viv - You see these vertical lines that appear in the video every now and then?
Pizzadude - Err.. yeah..?
Viv (proudly) - My company designs software that can remove them!
Pizzadude (trying to be polite) - Oh really? Wow.
Me (not so polite) - Err... okay...

Some time during the movie...

Pizzadude - I hate Dholna.
Me - Me too! That is like the worst. We HAVE to forward it.
Viv - *silence* (he has no idea what we're talking about and probably thinks it's a Gujarati breakfast item)

Some time later, the song Dholna starts to play, and I pick up the remote control and press 'Forward'.

Viv - Wait! No! I LOVE this song! (proceeds to headbang to 'Dholna' while Pizzadude and I roll our eyes at each other)

During the 'Dance of envy'...

Viv - Oh no... Is her ankle going to start bleeding? Is her ankle going to start bleeding??
(Background info: He just got de-titaniumed in a surgery two weeks ago and the stitches started bleeding a few days later. I think he's still a bit freaked out.)
Me - NO! It won't start bleeding. It was a fracture, dammit.
Viv - Are you sure?? I don't want to look!
Pizzadude - Errr... Viv, you have watched this movie before, haven't you?
Viv - Yeah, but I don't remember anything!

20 minutes later...

Viv - Oh! I remember this movie very clearly!
Me - Oh yeah? Now you do?
Viv - Yes! The day I went to watch this movie, India got thrashed by Sri Lanka. Theatre jaane se pehle hum log achha khel rahe they, waapas aate aate Jayasuriya ne phod diya tha!

Monday, January 05, 2009

And the most inspiring is...

...Rang De Basanti.

According to the poll, RDB was first, and the second place was shared by 'Swades' and 'Taare Zameen Par'. 'Lakshya', 'Lage Raho MunnBhai' and 'A Wednesday' were next in line.

About RDB, I thought it was an interesting movie, and I did buy the DVD, but the movie did not inspire me to do anything different. My vote went to Lakshya. Not for Kargil, not for patriotism, not for anything fancy. But for these very simple lines that Romi's Dad says to Karan, "Tum jo bhi karo achha karo. Agar scientist bano toh achhe scientist bano. Agar ghaas kaatne wale bano toh achha ghaas kaatne wale bano. Warna kya faayda?"

(Whatever you do, do it well. If you become a scientist, be a good scientist. If you become a grass-cutter, be a good grass-cutter. Otherwise what's the point?)

I love that movie for these lines. I really did wake up and feel different the next day. About my job. About my hobbies. About everything actually.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

The first one

As usual, the first post of the month (and the year this time!) is a Bollywood poll. (This should actually be a 'My resolutions for 2009' blog post, but I think I'm just going to follow the first point in my last post.)

Anyway, in line with positive thoughts to start the year, I hereby invite all you bewdas to nominate one Bollywood movie that inspired you the most, a movie that had the best message for its audience, a movie that made you want to wake up the next day and do something different. Or do the same thing differently.

Results will be out in the next post.

ps: As usual, to avoid 'influence', comments will be moderated.

pps: As usual, under 'influence', bewdas will still yell 'gold'. :P