And then the bubble burst

Ever since the time we had a family reunion and I blew bubbles for my niece Aish, who scampered around in delight trying to catch and burst them, I've dreamt of the day when my kid would do the same. Xena is, of course, too young to scamper around and burst bubbles, but I have bought a bottle of the bubble solution anyway. Yesterday, she wasn't feeling too well, so I thought I'd take her downstairs in her stroller and cheer her up by blowing bubbles around her. So I blew the bubbles and she gave me a bored look and I blew more bubbles and erm, she got even more bored. Just as I was about to give up and come back, two toddler twins ran towards me yelling, "Oh look, bubbles!" They came up to me and scampered around, bursting the bubbles. Then Twin 1 asked me very politely, "Can I blow the bubbles?" "Sure, but you must wash your hands afterwards ok?" I said. She nodded and I gave her the bottle and the cap with the loop. She blew bubbles for a while, and Twin 2 ran around chasing and bursting them. Then Twin 2 took the bottle and blew the bubbles, while Twin 1 chased and burst them. This went on for a while, and I had a real blast watching them. Then I turned to Xena and said, "You see this, Xena? When you're a little older, you can also run around chasing and bursting the bubbles!" She simply rolled her eyes and looked away.

Twin 1 was now trying to blow bigger bubbles and was finding it hard to concentrate on holding the bottle and the cap, so she asked me to hold the bottle for her. I did, but I had to constantly bend down when she wanted to dip the loop in the solution, and she did not like this 'delay'. So she asked Twin 2 to hold the bottle so it would be at a height more suitable for her.  I just followed instructions. Apparently that is all that is required of grown-ups in a scenario like this.

Suddenly Twin 2 held up her hand and halted play. "But wait," she said. "If I'll hold the bottle and you'll blow the bubbles, who's going to run after them and burst them?"

Then they both slowly turned and looked up at me. Meaningfully.

Xena had suddenly discovered newfound interest in the proceedings. She sat up in her stroller with a "Bring on the popcorn!" expression on her face.

Kids say the darndest things

It's a lovely moonlit night. A lady is walking along the road, holding her two kids' hands. The girl is aged about four and the boy about seven. My friends are I are walking just behind them.

Girl (looks up and points at the moon) - Look! Look! Moon!
Boy (glares at his sister) - Don't point! It's rude to point!

Century in last mat(c)h!

At the end of a long hard day, I discovered a beautiful surprise sitting in my inbox. It was an email from my tuition kid. Technically, she's not my tuition kid as I'm merely covering for my friend who's out of town, but over the last few weeks of teaching her, I've grown attached to her and the crazy little things she does.

Hello!

This is A, your tuition student. I got my maths marks today. Your tuition paid off, I got.................................................................100/100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy! Tell you more about it on Sunday. See ya!

A

When I first started teaching her, I could tell she was a very bright student. But she often made careless mistakes, especially in the last stages of a sum, forgot to convert units before calculations, and loved to divide the area of a square by 4 to arrive at the length. But her grasping power was immense, and if she understood something properly, she'd never forget it. In the last few weeks, since her exams were close, we had been working hard on her misconceptions and careless mistakes.

Hi A,
What an awesome surprise! 100/100!!! I'm sooooo proud of you! HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
See you sunday! :)
Sayesha

I was happily bouncing around like a big ball in a swimming pool full of kids when I suddenly remembered something. My friend - the original tutor - is coming back to Singapore next week, and sadly, this sunday will be my last lesson with A.

Sigh.

But I think I'll go for the half-full glass thingie.

At least I am retiring at the peak.

Child's play

So a friend of mine was going out of town so she asked me if I could cover her tuition in the meantime. I agreed cos it's only on sunday evenings and the kid lives very close to my house. I have to cover only 4-5 lessons, which is not exactly good news considering how adorable this kid is. And of course, not to mention how flattering my first non-padhai conversation with her was.

After the first lesson, she asked me, "So you live with your parents?"

"Nope."

"Then?"

"My husband."

"Husband????? You're married???" She gasped. I was wearing a T-shirt with three-quarters, a headband and cycling shoes (I was going cycling to the beach after the class) so I guess I looked younger than my age.

"Errr, yes I am."

"But you look really young. Like really young. You look like you're in your twenties at most."

"I am in my twenties." I smiled.

"But you don't look married at all!"

I guess my age came up in their dinnertime conversations because today when I went over, her grandma told me how young I looked and then asked me how many children I had.

Children. Not even child. Children. Sheesh.

I guess they thought since I "look younger" I must be a few decades older than I look. Sheesh.

Anyway.

Today, we were revising the topic 'Materials' when she said she needed a way to remember the names of all the materials in the syllabus. So we made a list:

Rubber
Wood
Plastic
Cotton
Glass
Metal
Rock

"Can we make a word using the first letter of each of the words? That will be easy to remember." She asked.

"We could, but it's difficult with these words."

"Yeah, no vowels." She knew what I was talking about.

"How about we take the first two letters and then make the word? That way we have some vowels too." I suggested.

"Okay!"

"RuWoPlCoGlMeRo?"

Sheesh.

"Nope, this sounds terrible, doesn't it?" I said.

"Yeah, it does." She giggled.

"Ok how about we form a sentence with the first letter of each of the words?"

"Oh yeah! It's called a synonym or something, yeah?"

"No, not synonym... it's called something else... and I can't remember what it is!"

"Abbreviation...? No..." She said.

"Acronym... no... palindrome... no... anagram... no..." I just couldn't remember what the word was.

"Anyway, whatever it is, let's do it." I said.

"Okay!" She sounded excited.

"So what do we have here? Two Rs, W, P, C, G and M."

So the two of us racked our brains.

"How about "Children Go Running With Me in the Park?" I asked.

"But you used only one R. There are two." She pointed out.

"Hmmm... we can use the other R before 'children'. We need an adjective that starts with R."

"Oh I know I know! Riotous Children?" She burst into laughter.

"Riotous?" I suppressed my laughter and showed my disapproval. I didn't wanna put riotous ideas in her young mind. When you're a teacher, sometimes you just have to compromise the fun things for appropriateness. Even when I worked as an editor of kids' textbooks, I had to always be careful to check for any racist or sexist idea which could subtly make its way through to the child's mind. As a teacher or an editor, we are taught to set good examples for the kids and say the right things. And sometimes it's just very annoying to be so politically correct. I remember getting a rap from the enrichment centre where I used to teach because I played 'Hangman' with the kids in the last 15 minutes of the lesson when I should have "utilised the time better by teaching them something useful". Even though they knew that I was playing 'Science hangman' with the kids, in order to get them to correctly spell scientific words, but in a fun way.

Anyway, back to the mess of materials.

"Ruthless...?"

"Rowdy...?"

As we ROFLed over our own suggestions, we wondered why we couldn't find any adjectives that started with R and had a positive connotation. Maybe all children are either riotous or rowdy or ruthless.

"How about Roly-Poly?" She asked, excitedly.

"Oh yeah! That sounds good. But that's an extra P. Oh wait, we can knock off the bit about the park and make it 'Roly-Poly Children Go Running With Me'! Yeah?"

"Yeah!" She was very excited. "Now it's so easy to remember!"

On the way back from her house, I wondered if even Roly-Poly was inappropriate. I mean I am totally supportive of the fact that Roly-Poly children should, in fact, be running a lot, but I sure did not want to encourage a "weight-ist attitude" in my tuition kid.

Later, as I sent an sms to her mother asking her to tell the kid that the word we were looking for was 'acrostic', I wondered if the mother would express disapproval towards my teaching methods when she found out about the 'Roly-Poly' thing.

And then just like that, a better thought struck me. Perhaps I was thinking too much. As long as we're not over-doing it, perhaps we should just forget about being so 'appropriate' all the time. Childhood happens only once, and they have a lifetime to be appropriate.

For now, just let the kids enjoy their frickin' childhood.

No kidding

It was the scariest afternoon of all my years of relief-teaching.

I was taking a class of 4- to 5-year-olds, an age group that is usually a delight to teach. They are attentive, sufficiently scared of the teacher, lively and get involved in almost anything you teach them. So I was really looking forward to the class.

However, amongst the little ones was a certain kid (let's call him Danny) who actually freaked the living daylights out of me. At first I did not notice anything strange about him - he looked like a regular bespectacled Singaporean kid - but I realised after a while that he was unusually quiet. After the kids had matched the young of animals to the parents, I asked them if they wanted to colour the animals. All of them gleefully attacked the crayons.

Except this one.

"Danny, don't you want to colour the animals?" I asked.

"No."

"Why not?"

"No."

"Danny, teacher said - colour the animals." One of his classmates said.

"No."

"You say 'No' to everything."

"No."

By then, I was in another corner of the class, trying to explain to a kid why she couldn't colour a calf blue and the corresponding mother-cow purple. I could hear the banter between Danny and the other kid, but I thought it was one of the meaningless conversations that kids have when they have finished their work and are waiting for their classmates to stop colouring.

"Is your name Danny?" The other kid was laughing away, obviously having fun asking all these questions and getting negative responses to all of them.

"No." Danny said, still with a straight face.

I've seen kids play this game, but it's always accompanied by laughter. This time, it wasn't.

"Do you wear glasses?"

"No."

When I turned to them, I realised that Danny had moved about four chairs away from the other kid, and was looking at him with what could only be described as hatred. At the same time, he seemed to be kind of enjoying answering the questions in a masochistic kind of way, and waiting for the next one. The other kid, however, was getting tired of teasing Danny, and was also running out of questions.

"Danny, get back to your seat." I said.

"No." he glared at me.

A 5-year-old glared at me, and for a second I was afraid. I was afraid of a 5-year-old.

So I realised that the best thing to do was to move on to the next topic. As I explained something on the whiteboard, he kept staring into space with a very steely look in his eyes. And he still sat four seats away from the rest of the class. He was not one of those cheeky kids trying to be funny. I've come across plenty of those kinds, but this one was different. In a weird sort of way, in a way that would make you forget his age. And I knew it wasn't my imagination.

At the end of the lesson, I asked the kids to go to the computer room to watch a video on marine animals. All of them cheerfully ran to the computer room, but Danny stayed put.

"Danny, don't you want to watch the video?" I asked.

"No."

"Look, everyone else has gone. Shall we go too?"

"No."

"It's a very interesting video, Danny. I'm sure you'll like it. Come, let's go."

"No."

"Okay, if you won't go, I won't go either." I dragged a chair and sat next to him. He did not say a word or look at me.

A few minutes later, I noticed him looking at me every now and then.

"What is the matter, Danny? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No."

"Are you angry, Danny?"

For a second it seemed like something returned to his steely eyes, but then he looked away again. I could not believe why he was behaving in such a grown up manner.

"Danny, are you angry at someone? You want to tell me?"

"No."

Perhaps I'd been reading too much about the Virginia Tech shooter, but the truth was - even though he was at most five years old, Danny was exactly the kind of kid I could see taking up a gun and shooting his classmates. It wasn't funny.

I started to wonder - are these the kind of kids that grow up into violent killers who believe they are merely taking revenge because they have been wronged? Or was I over-reacting? Should I have raised the alarm or was it too early and way of out line? When you are a relief teacher, along with limited responsibilities comes limited power. You're merely covering for a teacher who is ill. You're not responsible for anything beyond the basic lesson itself. You cannot get involved in the character-building of the kids you're teaching. You're probably never going to see the kid again in your life, and what you do, even if your intentions are good, may leave a mess behind for the regular teacher to clean up after you. So there I was, helpless, not knowing what to do, whether to raise the issue, whether to write a note to the parent or even to the regular teacher. She would probably toss it aside with the thought - what does the relief teacher know about the kids in my class? And I'd be blacklisted forever by the school as the paranoid relief teacher with the hyperactive imagination.

For all you know, they could be right. Perhaps I was indeed over-reacting? I'd probably read too much on the Virginia Tech shooter and other school shootings in the last few days. Perhaps the kid was just having a bad day. But then, do 5-year-olds have bad days? We grown-ups have bad days. I had one myself - I spilt milo on my white top before my job interview, the interview itself didn't go as well as I'd wanted it to, I dropped my favourite black jacket somewhere on the way to the school (and hence almost froze to death in the four hours I spent in the freezing classroom), encountered the naughtiest (and most annoying) little girl I'd ever taught, and ended up with a really bad headache. That was quite a bad day. But I wasn't angry. What can happen in the day of a 5-year-old to make him so angry?

And let's say this kid stayed angry all the way. Perhaps he had a lonely childhood, perhaps his parents did not have time for him, perhaps his classmates ridiculed him. Whatever it was, he had something on his mind, and he had not told anyone. Was it possible that he would do something drastic when he grew up and then blame it on his childhood? Whether it's completely true or not, most offenders do tend to blame their parents, their classmates or their upbringing for their crimes. In a world where psychiatrists would believe anything to create a theory, I guess it's easy to blame someone else to justify your actions. But aren't parents getting too much flak? If their kid turns crazy and kills 30 of his classmates and then himself, they live with the flak that they did not bring up their kid right. As if they really wanted their kid dead. And then, random teachers jump up after the deaths to claim that they saw 'signs' of a 'disturbed childhood' and what not in 'the killer'. But the kid is dead and so are many other innocent ones. Who's the one living with the heartbreak at the end? It's the parents again. Why are they always at the receiving end?

Is it really as easy as looking out for 'signs' in your kid? Is it not possible that due to hyper-vigilance by people around him (including his parents), a normal kid is somehow unnecessarily branded as 'odd' or 'angry' and 'someone who needs help' just because someone noticed something about him that was different from his peers? Is it not possible that the so called 'help' extended to the kid by society is the reason he gets so screwed up that he ends up pointing a gun at the people around him? Doesn't this mean that watching a kid too much may be just as responsible for a school shooting as not watching him?

They say parenting is a joy. 'They' also say that bringing kids up is not easy. But why? Why is parenting so difficult anyway? If having kids is an ability most people are born with, shouldn't parenting be as easy as the rest of the abilities we are born with, such as eating and drinking? And if it's so hard, then how do you know whether you're going to do it right or not? If everything your kid does is a reflection of how you brought him/her up, isn't it too risky? How do you know what - or whether something - is 'wrong' with your kid? What if there are no 'signs'? How do you know which of your littlest actions are going to be blamed for playing a part in a bloodbath many years down the lane?

Whose fault is it really?

If a government has endangered lives by introducing guns into society, is it possible that you could end up endangering lives by introducing, without your own knowledge, a ticking time bomb - your so-called "badly brought up kid" - into the same society, to promptly pick up the gun so freely supplied to him/her?

What is more dangerous really - the gun or the kid?

A lesson learnt

So I was chilling at home on Friday night when I received an sms from the enrichment centre where I used to teach kids like a million years ago. They wanted to know if I was free to take two classes on saturday as their regular teacher was ill. I'm on their replacement teachers' list because as an editor of school textbooks, I know the Singapore syllabus inside out. I love teaching kids at that centre, I get to carry out a lot of activities, the class sizes are beautifully small so I get enough time to focus on each kid, and of course, the icing on the cake - the kids make me laugh. Not just 'laugh' laugh, but sometimes ROFL-laugh. Of course I do the ROFL-ing bit only in my head, cos I'm their teacher. Dignity and all that.

My first lesson on saturday was early in the morning with a bunch of four six-year-olds, and the topic was 'animal body coverings'. Not wanting to suddenly throw an abstract concept like that at the tiny tots, I decided to warm up by talking about their pets so I could go on to ask if they had observed the body coverings of their pets.

So I asked the class, "So do any of you have pets?" All hands shot up.

The first one refused to answer. Thankfully, the second one did.

"I have a dog." He said.

"And is it a big dog?" I asked.

"No."

"Oh okay, a small one?"

"No, medium-sized."

After the laughter in my head subsided, I continued to the next one who was literally jumping up and down with her hand raised.

"I have fishes."

"Oh wow. How many?"

"Many."

"Errrm ok. What colour are they?"

"Colourful."

"Hmmm."

So I moved on to the third one.

"I don't have any pets, but my aunt has four dogs and her maid stole two of the dogs and ran away and she also stole my aunt's purse and ran away you know with the two dogs and the purse."

Finally the kid paused for breath. Listening to this kid kinda reminded me of the "kuchh log kam bolte hain, kuchh zyada" Hutch ad.

Anyway, I continued with the lesson, which went through smoothly and moved on to maths.

"Any questions?" I asked after solving a problem on the whiteboard.

"Miss Sayesha, why is Miss S not here today?"

"Miss S is ill."

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know."

"Does she have fever?"

"I don't know."

"Then what happened to her?"

"I don't... have you finished question 4?" I asked sternly.

Phew.

The class ended at 11 am, and I moved to another classroom for my next lesson which was with primary 4 kids.

The topic was 'Water pollution and water conservation' and I was going to demonstrate to them how soil washed into the rivers affects photosynthesis in aquatic plants. I was gonna draw a green plant on a paper plate, place a glass of water on it and ask the kids if they could see the plant through the glass. Next, I was going to add some soil to the glass of water and then ask them the same question. The activity was to teach them that soil in the water can block sunlight from reaching the aquatic plants and kill them.

I decided to ask one of the kids to draw the plant instead of drawing it myself. Sometimes it's more fun to let the kids do parts of the activity. It involves them more. Besides, it's no fun if teacher does everything.

"Okay, I want someone to draw a small green plant in the centre of this plate."

A boy volunteered.

"What kind of a plant?"

"An aquatic plant. A hydrilla maybe?"

"You want a leaf or a plant?"

"I want a plant."

"How many leaves?"

"Upto you. How many do you want?"

So he took the green marker and drew what looked exactly like a grasshopper. The other kids started giggling uncontrollably. So I decided to add a fifth leaf on the top to make it look more like a plant. The rest of the activity went off peacefully.

We moved on to another one where I showed the kids how oil spills in the sea can affect marine birds. I had two glasses - one with water and one with a layer of oil on water. I dipped a feather into each, and then placed them on blotting paper. The kids had to observe how the water dried off the feather but the oil did not, and infer that the oil clumps the birds' feathers together, making them unable to fly.

"So tell me kids, how do oil spills affect marine birds?" I asked at the end of the activity.

One hand shot up.

"The stink!" He said excitedly.

"Hmmm... I'm sure the stink bothers the birds, but they face a much more immediate problem. What is that?"

"The bird sticks to the oil and can't fly!" Another one said.

"No! The bird doesn't stick to the oil! The oil sticks to the bird!" said a girl, sending the class into a hysterical fit of laughter.

Sheesh.

"Okay okay." I somehow managed to calm the class down, wondering who were crazier - six-year-olds or ten-year-olds.

After science, we moved on to maths. After introducing it, I wrote the word 'trapezium' on the whiteboard so that they would not misspell it when they wrote it in their worksheets.

One hand shot up.

"Miss, what is that after 't'?"

"What do you think it is?"

"An 'r'?"

"Yeah, that's an 'r'."

"Why does it look so funny?"

"Funny?"

"Yeah, it looks so funny."

"Well, you can read it, can't you?"

"Yes, but why is your 'r' so funny?"

The 'r' may have been funny, but the situation so wasn't. All the kids had stopped writing and were gaping at me, waiting for me to explain why my 'r' was so funny. I have no idea how I got out of that one.

Finally, at 1.45 pm, I wrapped the lesson. The kids went home, waving crazily, "Bye, Miss! Bye, Miss! See you, Miss!"

And as I saw them leave, I wondered what the deal was with teaching and me. Do I love it? Do I hate it? I've done it on and off for many many years now, but I can never imagine myself being a fulltime teacher. At many points in my life, I have paused to wonder if teaching is my true calling. And the lesson learnt at the end of the day was always the same - no.

In some ways, teaching these kids reminds me of engineering.

I may be qualified to do it, but I just can't see myself doing it every day of the week.

I'm not kidding

So there I was, sitting at lunch and telling my colleagues about this hot new television show called Desire: Table for three which for the last few days has been causing quite a disruption in my studies, when out of nowhere, without our knowledge, we realised that the topic had switched from the two hot brothers in the show to parenting. Much as I try to link back, I am unable to figure out how it happened, but it happened. So we started talking about how difficult parenting is, and how annoying unruly kids are, and how sometimes you just wanna slap the spoilt brats, irrespective of whom they belong to.

My colleague told me about how annoying her little cousins had become compared to the days when "at least they were cute". So true. Often, we see the best side of other's kids and don't really see the pain of parenting that people have to go through. Beyond the cuteness, lies the sinister reality that strikes the parents first, and eventually others too. We started discussing about how we would bring up our kids, and whether 'Spare the rod and spoil the child' is actually a myth. Well, I guess it depends on many factors such as the genes, the upbringing and the company the kid keeps which determines how disciplined or unruly he/she is. Sometimes the kids are already well-behaved and do not need constant discipline. I think I did pretty okay when I was little. Sometimes I wonder how my parents coped with my sister and me. We were never caned but I do remember being whacked only once by Dad, when in a fit of fury, I tore up his favourite 'Illustrated weekly of India', a news magazine popular in the days when I was a kid. It was a brand new issue and he hadn't even read it. I still remember the sting of the slap. The good thing is - I realised it pretty soon that I deserved it. That one slap was enough to teach me that my unjustified fury was wrong and would get me nothing.

I guess I belong to the school of thought that advocates the use of the cane. Not the 'cane' literally (though I remember getting caned in school by my class teacher in a mass caning of the entire class session!) but that of discipline - punishment for wrongdoings. I don't believe that it is enough for one of the parents to be strict (it could leave the kid confused or make him favour one over the other). I believe that both parents must be equal in their strictness and consistent in their dealings over bad behaviour.

Very young kids learn in stages. In the early stages, they differentiate right from wrong by observing the behaviour of their parents. To them, something that "makes Mummy or Daddy angry" is wrong. They do not understand the morality of right or wrong behaviour, nor do they understand what is reasonable and what is not. Gandhiri is perhaps not entire suitable considering their cognitive abilities at that age. As they grow up, it makes sense to sit down with them for more mature discussions, and explain to them why exactly Daddy and Mummy get angry at certain behaviours. They can process reason better at that age.

I truly feel that kids need to know that there are lines, which if they cross, can lead to serious consequences. At that age, sometimes it's not easy to deal with them in a mature way, and perhaps talking it over is not enough. Perhaps a slap is the best way to make them understand what they should and should not do, and let them grow up and find out why they got slapped. It's kinda like pocket money. I spent a large part of my childhood wondering why I did not get pocket money like my friends did, even though Mom and Dad bought me everything that I asked for and deserved. No amount of "But why can't I have the money and buy the things myself?" arguments were accepted. So I had to accept their "No" albeit grudgingly at first. But now I know and I understand and I think they were right.

Frankly speaking, I'd never been really 'pally' with my parents. I never really considered them my 'friends' when I grew up. My interaction with them was based on respect, love, trust and to a certain extent, fear too. But I have no regrets. Today, even though I'm 26 and do not agree on everything with my parents, I do know that they know what's best for me. They trust me just as I trust them. Years ago, when I'd told Mom and Dad "I'll pick the guy I want to marry. But if you have any objection at all, I will not even ask you why. I will follow your wishes." I really meant it. And perhaps that is why they trust me. I think it took a lot of courage and trust on their part to send me off to a foreign country for ten years, and I can never forget that.

In modern times, where it is 'cool' to be of the same mental age as your kids, sometimes I feel that kids cross the line and behave too mature for their age because of the liberties given to them by the parents. The worst is when they forget to respect their parents because of these very liberties. I've seen kids talk back rudely at their parents and even use words like 'stupid' and 'shut up!' It shocks me because I remember getting a real bad scolding for being rude to my nanny.

Maybe it works differently for different people. Some kids are just naturally well-behaved while others are not. It's true that some kids respond better to conversation, and can be talked into being disciplined, but what if they can't be? Haven't we all seen kids who seem to be out of control - even of their own parents?

"I think I will whack my kid(s) if they don't behave." I declared to my colleagues.

That's when we realised that it was 1.35 pm and lunchtime was over. As we laughed over how four people who have no kids had been talking about parenting for over twenty minutes, and dispersed, I suddenly realised something else.

What a day to be talking about whacking kids, Sayesha! :/

Nehru chacha, maaf karna... but I still think I'll whack my kid(s). I'm just hoping that I won't have to.

The unpublishables

Remember the time when you were very young and you used to find certain jokes gut-burstingly funny? You'd run to tell the joke to your Mom, Dad, your elder siblings and they would go 'Huh'?

Heart-breaking, wasn't it?

Now I see the other side.

One of the best things about my job is the fanmail from the kids for our science magazine. The mail is categorised into many sections. Firstly, there's the contest entries, many of which are cutouts of the magazine pages (although we do allow photocopies). Sometimes we get really cute requests like "Dear editor, if I don't win a prize, could you return my entry? Because I want the page on the reverse side back." Then there are the questions, the feedback, the jokes, the drawings. And then there's the category of letters from the kids which I like to refer to as 'The unpublishables'.

There are many reasons why we can't publish certain letters. Some letters have really pathetic jokes, some do not make any sense, some are too gross, some are rude, some insult their teachers, some are facts that are too unscientific to go into a science mag, some have racist jokes, and some just make us go "Errr...."

Banana and I often spend time trying to decipher what the kid exactly meant, but most of the time, we're unsuccessful. Sometimes the kids even add their own laugh tracks at the end of their jokes.

The number of letters we get is quite a lot, which is why we have no choice but to filter out the 'unpublishables'. It's a heart-breaking task, but someone's gotta do it. I have been maintaining the 'Unpublishables' files for about three years now, even though I know these letters will not find any use anywhere.

And that's when I had an idea - to put up the unpublishables here on my blog, so they are published somewhere at least.

To protect the identities of the kids, I'll only include their initials and ages.

And oh, sic applies to all the letters.

Enjoy the priceless gems.

===================================

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am so sad
That my eyes are so red.
- Anonymous

If I could live one day of my life as someone else, I would like to be my teacher Mrs. H (nice name). I could cane everyone's butts. Lessons will only be reading "I need to improve in my work." for the whole day. I will ask all the girls (not the boys) pull their ears outside the classroom. Oh no! I'm changing back to my normal self. Bye!
- B.G. (9)

Kick the table
Kick the chair
Kick the principal
If you dare.
- J.K.

A boy spoke Singlish to his mother. "Where is your grammar?" Mother asked.
"In the front hall watching television." (Grandma?)
- H.K. (11)

What do you call a cow going home?
A cow walking backwards!
- Anonymous

April's fool
Go to school
Tell your teacher she's a fool
Teacher scold you, you don't cry.
Pack your bag and say bye bye.
- J.K.

Q: Why does the Indian girl hates to eat dark chocolate?
A: Because they always eat their finger instead.
- T.P.Y. (12)

Dad, when did you go to Egypt?
What made you think that I went there?
That must be where you brought Mummy from.
- T.L. (10)

What walks on four in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?
A man.
-S.N. (9)

What did the car exhaust say to the motorcycle exhaust?
You sure look exhausted!
- N.Y. (10)

Boogers are green
A clog is a shoe
Turkeys are dumb
Your family is too.
- L.W.L. (12)

Did you hear about the very well-behaved little boy? Whenever he was especially good, his dad would give him a dollar and three pats on his head. By the time he was 16, he had 1600 dollars in his bank, but he was only 90 cm tall!
- E.C. (12+)

Why does a rocket go up?
There is no space to go down.
-G.T. (11)

How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off its tail, it will be de-lighted.
- E.T. (9)

Birds are chirping
Bell are ringing
I am waiting
For your wedding
- L.W.L. (12)

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your enemy out
and watch the way he scream
-L.R.X. (9)

Weasels are brown
You need a shampoo
Diapers are stinky
I believe this is true.
- L.W.L. (12)

Nothing mash (much?).
- Anonymous

What do you get when you add 1 homework assignment and 1 homework assignment?
2 much homework
- Z.R. (10)

On which days are we always thirsty?
Thursday
- Anonymous

What do you get if I threw a block of butter out of the window?
Butterfly
- A.O.

Daisy Duck is pretty
But Donald Duck is ugly
What do they make together?
Answer: Pretty ugly
Ha ha!
- S.G. (10)

How do you know when you're growing up?
When you discover hair in different places.
- T.H.L. (11)

Which animal has a head like a dog, and a tail like a dog but is not a dog?
A puppy
- G.T.L. (10)

What were Batman and Robin called after they were run over by a steam roller?
Flatman and Ribbon
- D.L. (10)

Which country has the most germs?
Germany
- C.C.E. (11)

What happened when the boy sat on a pin?
Nothing - it was a safety pin.
- M.E. (10)

Happy birthday to you
You are born in the zoo
You look like a monkey
And smell like one too

Happy birthday to you
You are one hundred and two
And you are still wearing diapers
How shameful of you.
- M.C. (12)

Why did the maid jump into the sea?
She wanted to meet her sister the mer-maid.
- H.Y.M. (10)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
Teddys are cute
And so are you!!!
- T.Y.L. (11)

What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Elastic, because it stretches
- T.Y.L. (11)

How can a framer eat an egg everyday if he doesn't have any hens?
He can eat his ducks' eggs.
- J.L. (9)

Which famous king ruled the vegetable empire?
Caesar salad
- R.L. (11)

What is a giraffe?
An animal that was hung on a tree by its head when it was born.
(Please help me find the picture I can't find it. Thanks and help me correct my mistakes.)
- T.M.S. (40) (sic)

What will you get if you put a white man between two black men?
Oreo
- L.Y.Y.

Why did the piglet look in the toilet bowl?
It was looking for pooh.
- S.L. (9)

The princess hate the pea so it pee on the pea.
- F.Y. (11)

Why is the water in the reservoir blue?
Its mother is the blue sky.
- F.Y. (11)

Who wears a pink dress and it is grey in colour?
Cinderelephant
- W.C. (7)

Acrostic poem
Yellow is my favourite colour
Irritates my brother
Naughty at home
Grumbling at my mother sometimes
Helping teachers always
Unless I am sick
I will always be there for you!! :)
- C.Y.H.

Why are birds poor?
Because money don't grow on tree.
- J. (12)

Will you remember me in
one day time?
Will you remember me in
one year time?
Will you remember me in
three years time?
Will you remember me in
ten years time?
Knock knock
Who's there?
See you can't remember me.
- L.M. (11)

Customer: How much does a bottle of Coke cost?
Shopkeeper: $2.50.
Customer: How about a drop of Coke?
Shopkeeper: Oh, it is free!
Customer: Then fill a bottle with drops of Coke?
- C.P.X. (10)

Teacher: Joel, recite the alphabets.
Joel: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher: Good! But where's the P?
Joel: It went down my pants!
- N.X.Y. (10)

When we look up
It's the sun
When we look down
It's the ocean
When we look front
It's the goat
When we look back
It's the sheep!
- L.A.Q. (9)

The human brain does not have a brain because it is the brain itself. :P
ps: Don't mention my school and my age pls!!!! Plz!! I beg you!
- C. (age withheld on request)

Why do people do not like to have fire in their office?
They do not want to be fired!
- C.C. (9)

Farmer A sells chickens.
Farmer B sells eggs.
What Farmer C sells?
Answer: Medicine
(Because Farmer C = pharmacy)
- Anonymous

Teacher: John, can you form a sentence using the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'?
John: Defeat of deduct went over defence before detail. (The feet of the duck went over the fence before the tail.)
- I.L. (9)

This picture is my class. I everyday stay back and sweet the floor. So I draw this picture. I hope I can win the prize. I do all the things. And I do until 10:30 p.m.
- L.W.K.

ABC
CID
Police catch you
I happy.
- J.K.

The king destroyed the world
The queen destroyed the town
But I destroy your book
By writing upside down.
- J.K.


Why was the computer sad?
It had hardware, software, but no underwear.
- Anonymous

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I thought I was ugly
Until I saw you.
- J.K.

Craving for more? You can find them here, here and here. And if you still haven't had enough, there's more here and here.

Shut up, Sayesha. That's not your daughter!

23rd November was the birthday of someone very very special to me.

There was a time when this person used to bring a lot of joy and laughter to my life. But then I had to let go.

So today, her ex-tutor (moi) and current tutor (CT) took the little girl (LG) to Swensens for a belated birthday treat. CT and I are colleagues, so we left the office together after work. He was in super panic mode.

"You know she has never stepped out into the city on her own? I hope she doesn't get lost. "

"She won't get lost, CT. Her sister is accompanying her to the train station, and we will pick her up there. The sister will stay with her till we reach. And later, her mother will pick her up."

"Yes, but I'm very nervous. It's a big responsibility to take someone's child out, you know. You have to even careful of what you say to them."

And suddenly it struck me how right he was. And how unprepared I was.

Gosh, now I had to think before I spoke to her? Although she and I used to be very informal with each other when I was teaching her, most of our jokes were related to what I taught her. So now, without the books and the desk and the stationary, I had to strike a conversation with her that did not involve chlorophyll and photosynthesis and xylem and arteries!

Now I was going into panic mode.

We met LG at the station. She had grown very tall from when I'd last seen her. And she looked different from the LG I was used to seeing, the one in old pyjamas, with hair all wet (she used to take a bath just before tuition), sitting on the chair in front of me, waiting for us to finish the lesson so she could tumble into bed.

And now, she was all dressed up like a doll!

I opened my mouth to exclaim something jumpy and typical of me, but suddenly remembered CT's words. Gosh, it was very difficult for me to control the way I spoke and my choice of words.

What I almost said: "Whoa LG, you're almost a babe!"
What I actually said: "Hi LG, you look nice. And you've grown taller!"

We chatted on the way to Swensens.

"So it's school holidays now! You have the whole of December before school starts again, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes!" She grinned happily.

"But I've spoken to her mother. We'll resume tuition for Primary 6 soon. LG, shall we start on Tuesday?" CT said.

I looked aghast. LG looked aghast.

What I almost said: "Are you kidding me?? The poor thing just finished Primary 5. Let her chill for a while, will you?"
What I acually said: "Yes, maybe it's a good idea to start studying for Primary 6 early so you get a headstart. Make use of the holidays. Don't spend all of it playing, okay?"

A voice in my head said, "Bah!"

Then she started telling us about her exam results.

"My Chinese quite good. My Maths and Science also okay. But my English marks not very good leh! I very scared about English in my PSLE (Primary School Leaving Exam) next year! I don't know what to do!" She said.

"Well, first of all, LG, you should stop speaking in Singlish." I said.

"Yeah, Sayesha's right. Start speaking in proper English, LG." said CT. "Anyhow cannot speak like that, you know."

What I almost said: "CT, WHAT THE...??!!"
What I actually said: "Errr... yeah, what he means is that you should avoid speaking in Singlish, okay?"

"Yes, you must top your class in the PSLE next year. Soon you will be in secondary school, then JC and then university! So what do you want to become when you grow up?" CT asked.

"My mother wants me to become a doctor. But I don't want!"

"What do you want then?"

"I don't know! That's the problem. I don't know!"

What I almost said: "Haha! That's hardly a problem, girl. I did not know what I wanted to become even at the age of eighteen. Just chill, you'll figure out sooner or later."
What I actually said: "Hmmm... it's good to have a goal in life. You should think about what you want to be in future."

The voice in my head spoke up again, "Bah!"

We had reached Swensens. The staff seemed incredibly amused to see this very odd trio. I think they concluded that it was an inter-racial family. Though I'm sure they must have wondered why the 'daughter' did not look anything at all like the 'mother'.

After we ordered the main courses, we resumed the conversation. It was mostly us asking her questions.

"So what have you been upto? Are you going on a holiday this year?"

"No plans yet. But I want to go to Genting ." She said.

What I almost said: "Oh Genting! Maybe you'll come back a millionaire! Haha!"
What I actually said: "Oh Genting! Yeah, they have a lot of fun rides, you will enjoy yourself."

After dinner, it was time for dessert. LG simply loves ice-cream.

"So what ice-cream do you want?" I asked her.

"Oh, let's order the Earthquake for her!" CT exclaimed.

I was aghast. The Earthquake is a giant 8-scoop ice-cream.

"No no, I don't think I can finish it." She said.

"Of course you can! You're young, you can eat all you like, you can't get fat."

What I almost said: "What nonsense! Of course she can get fat!"
What I actually said: "CT, don't force her now. LG, why don't you order what you think you can finish?"

It was just so different. I had to think so much before I said anything. And that person making those 'heat & eat' idealistic statements, was so not me! Aaarghhh! At many points during the evening, I felt like such a hypocrite. But I reminded myself again and again, "Shut up, Sayesha. That's not your daughter!"

And I couldn't help but wonder -- a mere change of settings can change so much.

I never thought LG could look different from how I remembered her.

I never thought I'd have to think and rephrase my thoughts before I spoke to her.

I never thought I'd run out of things to say to her.

I never thought I'd have to be an adult when talking to her.

Because I don't like to think

Long ago, I wrote this post on the hilarious letters that I get from the little adorable fans of my magazine. Sometimes, I get very profound questions from them too.

Half the reason why I love my job so much is these letters.

Here are some more precious gems to share. These are some of the responses we got from the kids in response to a survey we conducted to find out what they like and dislike about the mag.

There's no point writing about the 'normal/expected responses' so I am only gonna cover the unexpected/weird/funny ones, which show the amazing thought process that kids have. I love the way they think!

What do you like about the magazine?
- It’s nice.

What do you want to see on the magazine cover?
- Anything, as long as I like it
- Durian
- My Dad
- Vegetables

What do you want to see on the poster?
- Horse
And the cover?
- Horse

Do you pin up the pull-out poster on your wall?
- No, because I am really busy and have no time.
- No, because my mum doesn't like posters all over the place.
- No, because I don't want to destroy the magazine.
- My younger brother will tear them.
- I don't want the magazine to lose the poster.
- My maid may throw it away by accident.
- I have no place in my room.
- When I put them up, my mother takes them down.
- I spend too much time doing homework.
- No, because it occupies space.

Which sections do you dislike and why?
- Think Time. Because I don't like to think.
('Think Time' is a section with exam-type questions. Kids hate it but teachers and parents love it.)

- Real People Real Science. Because it is about real people, which I don't like.
(RPRS is a section where we interview people who hold interesting jobs that have a scientific angle.)

Why don't you like these sections?
- I don't know. To me it's not nice. To other people, I don't know.

Whom would you want interviewed in RPRS?
- Mozart
- A pastor

What would make the magazine more exciting for you?
- I don't really know.
- Send me a picture of the editors.
- If I can win the mystery prize.
- More pictures but nothing too disgusting, please.
- Nothing. It’s already very good.

SO KHOOL!

When I was a teenage schoolgirl, I worshipped this 20-something female who lived in the neighbourhood. To me, she was 'The Goddess of All Things'. She looked fabulous, was really smart, dressed well, carried herself with amazing grace, and did all the right things. She was the perfect grown-up, and I would hang around her all the time, telling her every now and then HOW KHOOL I thought she was, and how much I wanted to be like her.

Today, I had the opportunity to see the other side. Here's the full story.

I woke up really early this morning as I had to go and volunteer at a fund-raising event organised by the Student Volunteer Corp. I was running late, my Filipino maid was cleaning the house, and my housemate was still asleep. I knocked on my housemate's door and bellowed, "Hey, I'm off, can you pay the maid once she's done?" My housemate mumbled something back. "She'll pay you." I told the maid, as I rushed for the door. The maid looked at me with astonished eyes and after struggling to express herself (her English is not very good) said, "So apter I pinis, I knock her?" I had no time to laugh. But I wanted to say, "Yes, you knock her, girl. You knock her out and do whatever you can to get your money, but I gotta run now!" (This actually has nothing to do with the rest of the post, but it was just very funny.)

So I reached the Youth Park and set up my henna stall. A large group of teenage schoolgirls was also volunteering at the event. A giggly bunch of them came to my stall and plonked themselves on the chairs around me.

"Are you the henna girl?" One of them said with a smile.

"Henna girl? Errr.. yeah, I suppose I'm the henna girl!"

"Can I get something done on my wrist?" One of them asked shyly.

"Sure! What design do you want?"

"Could you just write 'Linkin Park' on my wrist?"

"Err... Just write 'Linkin Park'? Ummm.... all right!"

As I wrote the words on her wrist, she said, "Ok, that is just SO KHOOL! You're just SO KHOOL! You're the first grown-up I've seen who can spell 'Linkin Park'! All the others spell it as 'Linking'! Can you imagine that???"

Ah well. I really had nothing to say.

"So where is your shop located?" Another one asked.

"What shop?"

"Your henna shop?"

"Oh, I don't have a henna shop. I just do it for fun, and once in a while for fund-raising."

"Really?? What do you do then?"

"I'm the editor of a children's magazine."

"Really??? That's just SO KHOOL!"

Another girl came along and asked hesitatingly, "Can I get henna done? But I don't have enough coupons, am down to my last 1-dollar one!"

"No worries. Come, take a seat." I offered.

"Ok, you just ROCK! Doesn't she?" She asked as she dropped the coupon into the sealed box. All heads nodded in unison.

"Are you a local Indian?" Another one asked. She was a local Indian.

"Nope, I'm an Indian from India."

"Oh! So you must know Hindi! And you must know Bollywood movies!"

"Yes, I do."

"So what do you think of Zayed Khan?"

"Zayed Khan? Well... I think he looks better in real life than in his movies."

The girl suddenly made a dash, almost upsetting my table. In a minute, she was back with two other breathless Indian girls.

"OK, ASK HER! SHE HAS ACTUALLY SEEN ZAYED KHAN!!!" She gushed.

"Oh my God NOOOOO! Really?????" The others gushed too.

"Yes, I have."

"Who else? Who else?" They chanted excitedly.

And I had no choice but to recount what the Grand Hyatt knows.

In a while, I had a raptured audience at the stall, who then proceeded to ask me everything else about my life. Every now and then, a new girl would join the group, and the whole cycle would be repeated. "Ok, you have to listen to this! She is an engineer, who works as an editor, and she's really smart 'cos she came here on this really KHOOL scholarship. And she does henna for fun and fund-raising, and she's seen like a million Bollywood actors in real life, and she knows how to spell 'Linkin Park'! And look at her earrings, they are just SO KHOOL, and so are her bangles. And don't you just love her nails? She's just SO KHOOL!"

The other stall holders were giving me very amused looks. I could not even tell the girls that it really wasn't "SO KHOOL" and that their "KHOOL idol" was actually embarrassed to bits about all that gushing.

But then I remembered my early teens.

And I finally knew what it felt like to be considered by teenage schoolgirls as 'The Goddess of All Things'.

No skirts!

My 11-year-old tuition kid sent me an sms message when I was at work. She asked me if it was possible to bring the next day's lesson forward to that day. My immediate thoughts were, "Oh no, I can't go today. I'm wearing a skirt! And there is no time to go home and change!"

There are some things I just wouldn't do. Like wearing a skirt to tuition. Whenever I go for tuition, I make sure my legs are fully covered. Skirts, especially short ones, are out of the question! Totally. Yep, I don't even plan what to wear to work, but I do plan what to wear when I go to teach. And I would never ever wear a skirt to tuition. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I just wouldn't.

Why?

To set a fine moral example for a little girl at an impressionable age?

You think?

Naah!

Here's the thing -- she has a dog and it likes to jump around and lick random ankles it encounters.

Yikes.

Dear Editor

Snippets from precious letters I receive from precious young fans of my precious science magazine:

"Dear editor, what is anti-matter? If you don't know, ask me and I will tell you."

"Dear editor, please answer these questions. I am going bald with curiosity." (from a 10-year-old)

"Dear editor, please don't send my copy of the magazine to my school. My teacher takes it away and never returns it."

"Dear editor, please pick me! By the way, your magazine rocks!" (on contest form)

"Thank you, Uncle postman!" (on envelope with contest form)

"If I win, I want the pink watch, not the green one!"

"I love your magazine. I love other magazines too."

"My drawing is ugly." (on the contest entry where contestants were required to draw an experimental set-up)

"Why is it that sometimes a light goes on and then it goes off?"

"Mum's hp number: XXXXXXXX, Dad's hp number: XXXXXXXX. Please don't call my Mum." (on contest form)

"And don't forget to switch on the Mission Impossible song!" (with description of how the kid would rescue a captive tiger)

"... and this is how I will rescue the tiger. Now you go and copy my idea!"

"Can you increase the number of contest prizes so I can win?"

"Rescuing a tiger? Easy!" (from a 9-year-old)

"Thank you for your email. I will buy your magazine anyway. You don't have to answer my question." (after I answered a Science question asked by a kid over email)

"I heard a tick-tock sound at one end, and a ding-dong sound at the other end." (The expected answer to the contest question was "low-pitch sound at one end and high-pitch sound at the other end". I gave the kid the prize. Well, he pretty much got the answer, didn't he?)

Breaking slides

"You got break slide under microscope before?"

My tuition kid suddenly asked me.

After my standard reaction of "Huh?", which was partly to buy time in order to figure her words out, I said, "No, I have never broken a slide under the microscope."

"But my Biology teacher broke one once." I remembered.

"What? Really???? You mean teacher got do like that one? Hahahaha!" She squealed with delight.

It set me thinking. What was so funny about a teacher breaking a slide under the microscope? It's easy to do, you just need to lower the coarse adjustment knob till the objective lens hits the slide, and crunch! There goes your valuable slide along with your valuable cells! Easy.

What was it then that amused the kid so much? Why did she think that it was unacceptably funny that a teacher should break a slide under a microscope? It scared me a bit actually. To think that I am part of the "people who can't make mistakes because they are grown-ups".

Tutoring is such an enlightening experience. It not only gives me insights into what goes on inside the head of an 11-year-old, it also makes me sit down and think of myself as a grown-up! It's amazing how kids really look up to grown-ups. They think that we are perfect, and that we always know what to do and what to say. That we always know the answers to all their questions. That we can never make mistakes. That we know exactly how to live our lives.

Scary.

When deep inside, we are often just as clueless as they are.