Chura ke song mera...

"But WHYYYY?"

That was my first thought when I found out that there is a Chura ke dil mera 20. 

And my next thought was: No.

And then I watched the song. 

NO.

NONONONONO. WHY. NO. NO. NO.

It doesn't matter that the music director is the same. 

It doesn't matter that Shilpa Shetty is still in the song.

It doesn't matter that she looks a million times hotter (in spite of that bizarre sari-thingie-whatever-it-is) than in the original. 

It doesn't matter that they steered clear of Neha Kakkar. 

No means no. 

If you had a childhood steeped in Bollywood oldies like mine, full of Kishore and Lata and Rafi melodies, you wouldn't dare to use the word "classic" loosely. You definitely wouldn't use it for songs from the 90s. 

But. 

There are some songs that are a part of our childhood, a part of us. Chura ke dil mera was one of them. The other was Pehla nasha. And the fact that I cannot think of any more already tells you how few we had of what I can only call 'hum bechaare gareebon ke classics'. 

And you simply don't touch them. You don't twist them and squash them and add random words and ruin them and stomp on our childhood like that. You simply don't.

(Of course, in later years, we discovered that many, many of our bachpan ke classics were actually not really original but that's a story for another day.)

In case you have not seen/heard this abomination, yeh lo. Hum kyun akele bhugtein?

Ok, now let's talk about the cure. After subjecting my senses and my soul to this, I did what anyone in my shoes would have done. I went for chaar-dhaam ki yatra and ganga snaan by immediately watching the original. Oho aatma ko tab jaakar shanti mili. 

And the most heartwarming part? The comments section was full of people like me who had also immediately gone to the original to seek solace. 

Yeh lo dawaai. Original par bharosa rakho, sab theek ho jaayega. 

Leading Bhai example

They say that couples that are together for too long start to behave like each other. Sometimes, the effects last even after they split.

Today, I saw the proof.

Why does this... 👇🏽


...remind me of this? 👇🏽


Bhai-Kat this song, I say!

Dressed to kill

"Have you decided on your costume?"

"Nope."

Two days later...

"Have you decided on your costume?"

"Thinking still..."

Three days later...

"Have you decided on your costume?"

"Not yet."

"Seriously, Viv?? Here I'm threatening my friends that if they don't turn up in costume, I'm gonna disown them / turn them away at the door / make them sing/dance at the party, and you're just sitting on your ass with no ideas at all? If you need any help to buy/sew/fashion some props, I can do it for you now. If you ask me on the last day, I won't be able to help you. Okay?"

"Okay." That's all he said to my very long lecture.

It was infuriating. Here I was, running around, looking for a really short dress and a dirty brown wig so I could be Preeti (Saira Banu) from Poorab Pachhim at our New Year's Eve Hollywood/Bollywood costume party, and he was just sitting there, coolly, not doing anything.

Of course I knew the real reason why I was so furious. I was secretly scared that he'd do something spectacular at the last possible moment and steal my thunder.

And of course, he did.

First, he started rummaging for Xena's skipping rope. What on earth was he going to do with that?

Then he asked me if I had cardboard. I handed him some cardboard from a craft project that Xena and I had been doing (we were building a house for all her dinosaurs).

"Will you tell me already what you're dressing up as?"

He opened up the computer and showed me this picture on Google images.

Holy crap. He literally had all the props. Blue shirt, check. Brown pants, check. Rope, check.

He has even fashioned his billa number 786 using cardboard and a marker.

Viv was going to be Vijay from Deewar. 

"Can you make me a beedi?"

"What?!"

"Can you make me a beedi? As my prop?"

Of course I could make him a beedi. But did I want to make him a beedi, after my threat to him that I would render no help to him whatsoever if he approached me at the last minute?

It turns out I'm not as hard-hearted as I think I am. 

"Fine, I'll make you a beedi."

And make him a beedi, I did. From the finest brown paper found in our art and craft drawer. 

He even googled AB's iconic dialogue in that get-up, "Tum log mujhe dhoondh rahe ho, aur main yahan tumhara intzaar kar raha hoon." I really wonder why this dialogue is so iconic. I mean, he's just stating a fact, not making some dramatic statement. A dialogue cannot get any more factual than this! I guess it's AB's charisma. Some people can say anything and get away with it. I'm sure if Salman Khan casually says, "Arre, meri shirt kahan gayi?" in a movie, it will become an iconic dialogue. 

Anyway, back to Viv. He practised posing like AB in the picture above and I actually took a picture of him like that with the computer in the background showing the original picture. Finally, he was all set. 

I was all set too, but I had only managed to find a blonde wig instead of the matte brown one I was seeking, and in spite of my very Preeti-esque dress, I wasn't quite sure people could tell who I was supposed to be.

I had dressed Xena up as Anjali from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I had shown her a picture on the computer and she had agreed to dress up like that. The outfit was simple enough -- just a cutesy top and a skirt, and a fabric hairband. But it was the hair I had a tough time with. Xena has long hair, which I was trying to fold and form into the signature Anjali fringe. After about 347897 tries and 238947823975 hair clips, we managed to nail the look.  

The door bell rang. It was the sister-in-law. 

A few days ago, she had come to raid my wardrobe and Viv's too. She asked me if I had a dull, frumpy, long dress. I gave her a look. Did she not know me at all? I loathe dull-coloured clothes of any kind. I did have a long dress, but it was full of the brightest colours on the planet. She sighed and took it for lack of anything better. She also took a white shirt from Viv's wardrobe. I had no idea what she had in mind and knowing her, I assumed it was some Hollywood character she'd choose. 

So when the doorbell rang and I opened the door, she was dressed in that colourful long dress with Viv's white shirt over it. I had no clue what was going on until she went into my room and came out with an emoji pillow stuck under the dress. She also had a backpack on her shoulders and a pair of sunglasses perched on her head. Goodness! She was Vidya Bagchi (Vidya Balan) from Kahaani! It was perfection. I was very touched because I knew she'd chosen a Bollywood character only for me when she's actually more of a Hollywood person. 

The next person to arrive was Pizzadude, winner of our last costume party, the Govinda-themed one. He was dressed as a character from... Dostana! No no, take your dirty minds off John Abraham's yellow trunks. He was Abhishek Bachchan from Dostana, in a pink shirt, sunglasses, and a scarf around his neck. 

The next group to arrive was Maya and R. I had been quite apprehensive about R, as he's the kind who'd preferr to cut off all ties with me rather than dress up as a movie character. So I was relieved and overjoyed to see him dressed up as... Arjun Rampal from Rock On! This was his look, and to my surprise and delight, there was an actual guitar. These guys, who had travelled all the way from the west with their toddler, had lugged a guitar just for his character to be authentic. 

Maya, who had disappeared into the guest room to put on her finishing touches, emerged and I couldn't hold my excitement. I literally squealed with delight. She was Bobby (Dimple Kapadia) from Bobby. Come on, you all know that signature look. 

The last two people to arrive were my friends S and P. S was dressed as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction (unfortunately, she had to tell me who she was, I didn't know as I haven't watched Pulp Fiction), while her hubby S was dressed as Indiana Jones, complete with the hat, shoes and whip (another dad borrows his hapless daughter's skipping rope; I couldn't stop laughing at the sight of him and Viv brandishing their skipping ropes!). 

In case you're curious if anyone guessed who I was supposed to be, well, everyone thought I was Helen, so after a while I just decided to go with it. So there I was, in my short black and white dress and long blonde hair, Helen from... every Helen movie, I suppose. 

Though it was a very small dinner party with the closest of my friends, it was a total riot. We played 'Never have I ever' and found out very fun/interesting/scandalous things about one another. Initially it took a while for people to think up of things that would keep them in the clear while forcing others to drink, but soon we all got the hang of it. After a while, even Xena knew how the game went. She raised her hand, saying, "I have one, I have one! Never have I ever... had beer!" 

We were supposed to pick a winner based on whoever had the most sips or whoever played the cleverest game or whoever had the most interesting stories, but it got so fun that we didn't even remember that the game was supposed to have an objective. In comparison to the others', my statements turned out to be quite mellow, though I scored big when I said "Never have I ever... lived in Bangalore!" (Seriously, what is up with Bangalore folks and me?? All my closest friends hail from Bangalore, and now the sis-in-law, also a close friend, is moving to Bangalore!)

Along the way, someone suggested that we switch the game from 'Never have I ever' to 'I have' where each person talks about something they have done that others are unlikely to have done. Once again, the stories I heard in that round were quite mind-boggling, while my only claim to fame in that round was 'I have been to Pakistan! Ha!'

Considering the 'sharaafat ki moorat' that all of us are, the party came to a modest close shortly after midnight, and people dispersed soon after wishing one another a very happy new year. After they had left, I turned to Viv and told him how proud of him and his costume I was. Later, a friend of mine saw his photos and remarked on what a great sport he was and how most men wouldn't even bother to dress up for a costume party. So I told her that he wasn't always like this. 

He'd just happened to marry the right girl. 

  

Eye on the Boll(ywood)

So I have one year to get Xena's Hindi school-ready. This is her last year of preschool and because her school only offers Mandarin as a language, I'm homeschooling her in Hindi. At the moment, she's learning to write the letters. She understands me 100% when I speak in Hindi, but to my frustration, her responses are always in English. To that, I simply say that I can't understand her if she answers a Hindi question in English, and she immediately switches. Phew.

But I think we are far away from the prerequisite for taking up Hindi in Primary One next year, which is that the kid must be able to read and write in Hindi. I'd been racking my brain to think of other ways in which I can increase her exposure to Hindi (I really don't want to put her in tuition at this age) when suddenly the proverbial light bulb lit up right above my head. How had I done it?

My dad got posted to Bihar when I was about six and I was flung headfirst into a totally alien, Hindi-speaking world, of which I understood nothing. And even though it was an "English medium school", it was also Bihar, which meant that not only was the Hindi teacher teaching stuff in Hindi, EVERY single teacher was teaching in Hindi, including the English teacher!

I wonder how I survived the first six months, because after that, there was no mai ka lal who could beat me at Hindi. If I could do it, so can Xena. But wait a minute, it was different for me. Hindi was being blasted at me from every direction. My friends at school and in the neighbourhood all spoke Hindi to me, so I had no choice but to bite the bullet. Xena, on the other hand, has only Viv and me as the source of Hindi, and we speak a mix of English, Hindi and Singlish.

So I wondered if it was time for me to introduce Hindi movies to her. She's still not allowed any screen time, and we know that we need to relax the rule at some point to avoid turning it into the highly desirable forbidden fruit. However, we definitely don't want her to watch some nonsensical "kids' channel" for no good reason, so I figured I could maybe watch some good children's Hindi movies with her. After editing out the inappropriate stuff, of course.

And for some reason, the first movie that flashed across my mind was Mr. India. As a kid, I had watched the movie about a bazillion times and loved it each time. Those were the days when we rented the VCR and the video cassette from the shop in order to watch the movies we wanted to watch. I did wonder about the 'Kaate nahin kat-tey' song but the rest of the movie was too entertaining for me to worry about Sridevi gyrating in her blue saree.

But I knew I had to remove the song for Xena. I could totally picture her bewildered look and I even knew exactly what she would say, "Mama, what is this Aunty doing? Is she not feeling well?"

So Xena and I watched the movie together in 15-minute slots over several weekends (and I sneakily fast-forwarded the song without her even realising it). It was heartening to see her enjoy it so much. Once in a while, I'd pause and repeat the dialogues and ask her if she understood them and she did. Every scene that I had laughed my guts out as a kid (the kids waking up to jets of water installed in their bunk beds, Sridevi's Charlie Chaplin act, Bob Christo worshipping the flying Hanuman statue) was making her laugh. It was very touching. Bollywood mommy's Bollywood baby.

Today, her post-school stories included something very interesting.

"Mama, I told Zac about Mr. India!"

Zac is 'da man' of her class. He's the leader, the boss man, the cool dude. Stuff endorsed by Zac is stuff indeed. A few weeks ago, he came up with his own league of superheroes (Xena is Oreo woman; apparently she shoots Oreos out of her wrists at the bad guys. Don't ask.)

So yeah, Zac's approval was important to her.

"You did?"

"Yes, I told him THE WHOLE STORY!"

"Wow. What did he say?"

"He listened to THE WHOLE STORY."

"Did he like it?"

"Yes, he said he liked it very much. But he said he's very confused now."

"Why is he confused? About what?"

"He says he's confused between Magneto and Mogambo. He doesn't know who is who anymore."

That made me laugh out so loud, I think I scared Xena a bit. My successor for my 'Bollywood takes over the world' agenda is on the right path.

Mogambo Mommy khush hui. 

Dancing queen

Last week, Viv and I went to Bombay Cafe after ages. Bombay Cafe used to be one of our favourite hangouts many years ago, with its novel so-pink-that-it-can't-get-pinker-than-this walls, the posters of old classics and a TV that played songs from the 90s. It also was probably the ONLY place in Singapore where you could order an old-style glass bottle of Thums Up, and I just loved it.

I also have a soft corner for Bombay Cafe because some 11 years ago, I had ranted in a blog post about how they were out of Thums Up when I had gone there, and they had immediately shipped a complimentary carton full of 24 bottles of Thums Up and Mangola to me! Whoa. Thumbs up, for sure.

So Viv and I had placed our orders and were chit-chatting as we waited, when suddenly our collective ears perked up. Was that... were they playing... it WAS, wasn't it? We looked up. The TV was playing 'Akhiyan milaaun kabhi akhiyan churaaun' from Raja! Yes, that movie which really should have been called Rani instead, considering it had powerhouse Madhuri Dixit paired opposite a tame Sanjay Kapoor. (I've never been able to take Sanjay Kapoor seriously, not after his hilarious 'Aati nahin' song, not after all the constipation-related jokes that got associated with it.)

I couldn't get myself to watch Prem, or Raja, but the 'akhiyan milaaun' song was something else. Madhuri OWNED that song, and his presence didn't even matter. It was 1995. Countdown shows were the 'in' thing those days and for us 'brought up on Doordarshan and not even DD2' kids, they were 'da bomb'. I remember how obsessed everyone became with this song as soon as it came out. We knew every beat, every step, every eye movement and we LUUURVED her outfit, though now when I watch it again and realise that her top, jacket, earrings, belt and rings match one another EXACTLY, I wanna do a Phoebe-esque 'MY EYES! MY EYES!' and run away.

But look good she did, and how.

Recently, I read an interview of choreographer Terence Lewis, who said,

Madhuri is the best. She's not mechanical. I've realised why she's so good -- when you give her something, she can dance on the spot. She understands it, takes it in and when she is doing it, it makes her happy. 

Most dancers like Aishwarya, Deepika, Priyanka and Kareena are fabulous but I don't see them enjoying it the way they should. Their focus is on, 'Am I looking beautiful?' 

When you see Madhuri, she doesn't even realise that a earring may have fallen off. She is lost because she's so happy. 

I also see that in Govinda. But not in Hrithik or Shahid.

I was nodding at every word. Even the bit about Govinda. Hrithik and Shahid are fabulous dancers indeed, and even though I'm not a big Govinda fan, I have to admit that when he dances, you can clearly see that he's IN the music and the music is IN him. And the joy on his face when he's dancing is simply irresistible, not to mention infectious. And yes, Madhuri has the same thing. She lets the song get under her skin and simply carry her away.

Sharing the song that brought back some amazing childhood memories of the one and only dancing queen of Bollywood.

Good times, man. Good times.

Burning questions

So this was supposed to be a part of the last post, but that kinda took on a life of its own, pushing this into the next post. The friend who had organised the Bollywood-themed party had asked me for ideas for games so I did up a Bollywood quiz to conduct if there was time. However, the DJ was rather competent, so most people ended up on the dance floor for hours, and we didn't have time to do the quiz. I thought I'd post it here to see if any Bolly-hungry bewdas would like to have a go at it.

The first question is from a quiz that my friends had conducted as a challenge for me at my surprise birthday party many years ago. (By the way, they'd also asked me what Gabbar Singh's dad's name was, and I answered correctly muahahaha!) The second question is from my own blog post from 6 years ago. I'd casually mentioned it in a post about something else, but someone took it as a challenge in the comments space, instantly earning everyone's respect. Of course, now the answer is even longer, so I thought it was worth repeating the question here.

Here we go!

1. Name 10 movies from the last 10 years with Shah Rukh Khan in the lead, where his name is NOT Rahul or Raj. And state his name in these movies.

2. Name 13 actresses who have worked opposite all 3 Khans (SRK, Aamir and Salman). Name one film each.

3. What are the real names of these Bollywood stars? To save you the excessive googling that might result out of this, I've included the answers here but in white font. Simply use your mouse to highlight and read the correct answers. (Of course, this won't work if you read this blog on your feed reader, and in that case I will just advise you to be honest and not look at the right column until you have thought of your answer. Hehehe!)

Screen name	Real name
Sunny Leone	Karanjit Kaur Vohra
Salman Khan	Abdul Rashid Salim Salman Khan
Jackie Shroff	Jaikishen Kaku Bhai Shroff
Mallika Sherawat	Reema Lamba
Akshay Kumar	Rajiv Hariom Bhatia
Sridevi	Shree Amma Yanger Ayyapan
Sunny Deol	Ajay Singh Deol
Bobby Deol	Vijay Singh Deol
Mithun Chakraborty	Gouranga Chakraborty
Rekha	Bhanurekha Ganesan
Sanjeev Kumar	Haribhai Jarivala
Preity Zinta	Preetham Singh Zinta
Rajnikanth	Sivaji Rao Gaekwad
Madhubala	Mumtaz Jehan Begum Dehelvi
Guru Dutt	Vasanth Kumar Shivashankar Padukone
Kishore Kumar	Abhas Kumar Ganguly

All dressed up and... somewhere to go!

A few weeks ago, we were invited by a neighbour to a Bollywood-themed party! You can only imagine my delight.

So I racked my brain on what Viv, Xena and I could wear to this party. Xena is at the stage where she wants to wear everything I wear. If I'm wearing a dress, she'll insist on wearing one. If I'm in a short skirt, she'll want to change to one too. So when I told her that I was considering going as 'Babita', she did not ask me who on earth Babita was. She simply said, "I wanna be Babita too." So I told her that we could do two Babita looks -- dress Babita and salwar-kameez Babita. To my surprise, she agreed.

So we had a dress rehearsal. I was dress Babita, in a black and white polka-dotted dress, gigantic white goggles, hoop earrings, plastered-on-forehead hair and a flower hairband that I borrowed from Xena's collection. I dressed her up in a sleeveless floral churidaar-kameez that we'd bought when we were in India and made a very Babita-hairstyle for her using her dupatta and a fake bun that I ordered online.

So here we were, having multiple dress rehearsals, while Viv was just chilling. "Dude, you'd better not turn up as yourself. Xena and I will look ridiculous if you look... err... normal!" I told him. That got him up and about, and after looking through his wardrobe, we realised that we could put the most colourful stuff together to make him Munna from Rangeela. So he wore a pink shirt over a blue cricket singlet, put on his dhinchak cricket glasses, and borrowed a bandana and a hat from me to complete the look. And oh, he folded up his pants a bit to make it look more 'tapori'. And gosh, he even said he wouldn't shave for a few days to be true to his character!

Seeing him all suddenly enthu like that, I briefly considered switching to Mili from Rangeela, for I have the tight pants and the knotted shirt, but I do not have that voluminous head of hair that Urmila is blessed with. Besides, Xena was already excited about going as babita and I didn't want to mess up the plan.

So there we were -- Munna, Babita senior and Babita junior, and all of us got rave reviews at the party. It was the most fun party we'd attended in a long, long time. My normally shy child had no problems even hitting the dance floor with me!

 

  

 

A few years ago, we had a Govinda-themed costume party, and would you believe it -- I didn't win the first prize in spite of my light blue pants, a fluorescent green spaghetti strap top, a red-green-blue-black checked shirt and bright pink slippers! You can only imagine what a ghastly sight the winner (my good friend Pizzadude) presented.

A friend and I have been discussing about organising a Bollywood-themed party for Christmas or New Year's this year. We are even entertaining the thought of having it for Halloween instead, where you can only wear costumes from Hindi ghost movies! Any ideas (other than candle-holding white sari-clad singing ghost)?

R is for review (Fan)

"Let me know if you want to watch Fan with me if not I'm going without you Raja Sen gave it 4.5 stars." This was my almost breathless message to Viv, who's in the US now.

He watched the trailer and asked me to carry on.

Hmmmph.

But to be honest, I don't blame him. I wasn't too impressed with the trailer myself. I'm the kind of SRK fan who loves him for reasons other than his stardom and prefers to watch only his good movies so that I can continue loving him. Whenever he does a bad movie (and we all know how many there are), I have to go into hiding, especially if I was foolish enough to watch said movie. Ra.One was a big lesson to me on how I should never watch a movie just because it has SRK. It took me forever to recover from the catastrophe that the movie was, which is why I smartly ducked when Happy New Year and Dilwale released.

And that's why when I saw the Fan trailer, I had my reservations and wanted to wait for the reviews. I usually agree with Raja Sen's reviews, so when he gave the movie 4.5 stars, I jumped. And immediately picked up the phone and messaged the one person who would care about at SRK movie as much as me -- my dear friend Starbreez, who despite not being Indian, has watched 94 Hindi movies to date. (Asking Viv was a mere formality; he doesn't watch too many Hindi movies but he does appreciate the really good ones, so I always ask him but rarely go with him.) Starbreez has got a really hectic schedule, but she's always sweet enough to make time for SRK and me (in that particular order). So last night, two SRK fans (though not in the creepy way shown in the film) watched his latest offering 'Fan'.

Here are some random thoughts about the movie. (Spoiler alert: Stop right here, if you have yet to watch the movie!)

• Oh, the layers in the movie! That for me, was the highlight. I could write an entire post about the layers of each aspect of the movie. (Don't worry, I won't.)

• The concept is rather brave and also rather easy to screw up, so kudos to Maneesh Sharma and his team for having the conviction to pull it off. On the surface, it's quite the masala movie, but if, like me, you find yourself unable to shrug off the movie a day after watching it, you will uncover the nuances and the tiny details that show how much thought went into it.

• After a long time. it was refreshing to see SRK step out of his comfort zone and do some real acting. It was clear that he had put a good amount of thought and effort into it, unlike sleepwalking through the role like he does in his usual movies. Not that Fan is in the same league, but after Swades and Chak De, if there is any other movie where he's had to keep his nose to the grindstone, it has to be this.

• Having said that, I have to admit that this movie will be truly enjoyed by those who already have a positive mindset about SRK as a separate genre of movies. Non-SRK fans or neutral folks might not like it all that much.

• I liked the fact that they did not glorify the superstar. They showed him to be quite grey -- arrogant, stubborn, insecure, unkind with his words even. It felt like a true and realistic portrayal. When I'd seen him say 'Why should I spare you even 5 seconds?' to his devoted fan in the trailer, I'd found it quite arrogant and cruel, but in the movie, I could totally see where it was coming from.

• Double roles are really challenging, and I can't think of a movie other than Tanu Weds Manu Returns, where the distinction between the two roles was so clearly etched out. Gaurav was Gaurav and Aryan was Aryan, and kudos to SRK for playing both so brilliantly. I was completely bowled over by how he well played Gaurav as a mix of pathetic and creepy, and the rawness he imparted to Aryan's character. I have to say I was more excited about how he would play Aryan -- how much of himself he would reveal and how much he would hide. And he didn't disappoint me.

• Going by the gazillions of lookalikes that SRK has, there are so many ways to look like him. I was quite curious about how the makers decided on this particular look for the fan, how many iterations it took, and how they managed to bring together prosthetics and VFX. I found this really cool video with all the details. Now I have a better understanding and appreciation of how much time, patience and coordination something like this takes. The mind boggles at the thought of poor SRK sitting in a chair continuously for 4 hours for make-up, for 70 days. I also laughed out loud at the anecdote the Hollywood make-up artist Greg Cannom shared. He told SRK that SRK was his second most favourite actor in the world. When SRK asked him who the first was, Greg answered, "Everybody else."

• It must take real courage to play yourself on screen, not in a cameo, but in a full-length role, and kudos to SRK for doing it so well. In fact, I cannot think of any other superstar who could have pulled this off. The only other stars with this kind of fanatical adulation are probably Salman Khan and Amitabh Bachchan, but I cannot see either of them being able to do this. Sallu wouldn't have bothered to put in any effort as usual, and would have reduced the movie to a caricature. (It would still have crossed 100 crores though, so it wouldn't have mattered to him.) AB is too old to have played this, but even in his younger days, I can't seem to imagine him in this role, especially as Gaurav.

• I have often wondered what it must be like inside SRK's head. The constant bombardment of adulation, hatred, judgement, harsh critiques. Fans who just want to meet him whether he wants to or not. Smiling for photograph after photograph, no matter how tired he is. Crowds pushing, shoving, grabbing, touching. Answering really idiotic and irrelevant questions at press conferences. Waking up to the works of media monkeys who write anything and everything. Money aside, is it really a life to covet? Watch The Inner World of Shah Rukh Khan and The Outer World of Shah Rukh Khan for a behind-the-scenes peek into his life.

• An SRK movie without a single song? That really took me by surprise. In a good way.

• Random thought that occured to me when he was jogging - SRK has a really fit body at 50!

• Of course, the movie is not without its shortcomings, but I'll keep them to a single bullet point. Some of the chase sequences and fight scenes were long, tedious, unnecessary and too unrealistic. Deleting them off would have made the movie tighter and crisper. Some reviews found the second half not as good as the first, and I think the long chase/fight scenes contributed to that. Also, SRK as Gaurav did ham it up in some scenes. Another point which bugged me a little bit was Aryan's stage act towards the end. It's believable for a lookalike fan to ape a star, but for the star to ape a lookalike he's only met once was a little hard to believe. But I let it go as I guess they were trying to show that Aryan was a keen observer and a really good actor.

• I actually liked the fact that the movie did not have a 'happy ending'. I feel like there could not have been any other ending for a movie like this. It had to be this way to underscore the 'you won't understand' sentiment that both the fan and the idol feel about the situation. And I liked the fact that contrary to what I thought would happen, Aryan never said 'sorry', all the way till the end.

• My favourite scenes from the movie were rather unusual -- most were close-up shots of Aryan. The little lines of worry on the forehead, the intense eyes, the staring into space, the sudden smile in the mirror just to check that he was ready for the big show, it was all beautifully done.

• And finally, I quote Raja Sen, for summing up the movie in the best possible manner:
  "Take a bow, Shah Rukh Khan. Not only for a phenomenal, genuinely groundbreaking performance but for being bold enough to give us the sight of a boy wearing painted-on abs while aping you dancing in a song where you, according to rumour, wore painted-on abs. For a glimpse at a worn out 50-year-old man -- massaging his temples, and stretching at the lines on his face -- before turning on the high-wattage smile and stepping out to market his myth."

Trailerblazer

Ok, I'm going to sound really old, but back in "my days", you had the trailer and then you had the movie and then you had the movie reviews. Finito. However, these days they have a lot more. Too much, in fact. The first poster, the first motion poster (what the...), first teaser, dialogue promos, song videos, affair/break-up/divorce rumours, the trailer, the uncut trailer, and then fiiiiiiinallly, when you have lost all interest, comes the movie. And all of these things have their own reviews.

It was, therefore, with a lot of reservations, that I watched a video of this American guy called Jaby Koay who does a lot of stuff, but notably, reviews Hindi movie trailers. He doesn't know a word of Hindi, of course, and yet, courageously watches them first without subtitles and then with (if he can find them). Along with a guest, he then proceeds to talk about what his understanding of the movie is and also gives his opinion on everything in the trailer. It is funny, endearing and eye-opening, all at the same time.

It was very very interesting to see an open-minded outsider's perspective on Indian movies. He really makes an effort to understand Indian sensibilities and why some things in Hindi movies are that way. One simply does not question such things. Because... We are like that wonly, no?

Since good things are meant to be shared, I'm posting the two videos I liked the most -- 'Zindagi na milegi dobara' and 'Bajrangi Bhaijaan'. Watch the first video to find out why he said for Hrithik, "That guy should not exist." (If I didn't hate the phrase so much, I'd really say "LOL to the max" here.)

And... he said something very unexpected about Salman Khan which touched a chord in the heart of this ex-Salman-Khan-fan.

Enjoy! :)

Y is for yesteryears

Xena likes to listen to me singing really old songs, many of them from black & white movies of the yesteryears. And after about 3897498289 renditions, she is able to sing along with me.

I prefer teaching her oldies rather than the newer ones. (Most of the newer ones are not very child-friendly anyway.) On the other hand, most oldies have simple tunes and very catchy and easy-to-remember lyrics. So far, we have done 'Dil ka bhanwar', 'Kajra muhabbat wala' and 'Mera naam Chin Chin Choo'.

This is her singing reciting 'Mera naam Chin Chin Choo'. 

By the way, I'd heard 'Mera naam Chin Chin Choo' many times before, but only now did I realise something. The song perpetuates the misconception that Singapore is/was a part of China!

Take a closer look at the first antara:

Babuji main Cheen se aayi
Cheeni jaisa dil laayi
Singapore ka joban mera
Shanghai ki angdaayi

Lately, I've started to go through the lyrics and explain the meanings of the songs to her. I hadn't done it for the earlier songs I'd taught her. Good for me, because I wouldn't know how to answer "Mama, how can one aunty's eyeliner kill another aunty?" and "Mama, what does she mean by 'heart like sugar' and 'youth of Singapore and lazy stretch of Shanghai'?"

Yesterday I was teaching her 'Ek ladki bheegi bhaagi si'. I sang it very very slowly, pausing regularly for her to understand and grasp the lyrics. Whenever I'd come to a word she didn't know (which happens very very often), she'd stop me and ask.

Me - Ek ladki...
She - A girl.
Me - Good. Bheegi bhaagi si...
She - What is bheegi bhaagi si?
Me - Wet. It was a rainy night, so she got wet.
She - She didn't have an umbrella?
Me - No.
She - Hmmm.
Me - Soti raaton mein...
She - What is soti raaton?
Me - Sleepy night. It's raining, and it's night time, and everyone is sleeping.
She - Hmmm.
Me - Jaagi si...
She - Awake?
Me - Yes. The girl is awake on a sleepy night. Ok?
She (reluctantly) - Ok...
Me - Mili ek ajnabi se...
She - What is ajnabi?
Me - Stranger.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

She - The girl talked to a stranger????!!!!!

S is for sacrifice

If you think this post is about all the sacrifices I have made as a mother, well, think again.

Last week, someone I know posted a very old photo of herself with Shah Rukh Khan. I looked at the photo and then I looked away. It was too painful.

In May 2004, the International Indian Film Academy (IIFA) Awards were held in Singapore for the first time. Back then, I was just two years into the workforce, and living with two female housemates, the second of whom I didn't know very well. One day, she was on medical leave and as I left for office, I popped by her room to check on her. She said she didn't know what she was going to do all day and that she was already feeling bored. So I lent her my DVD of Kal Ho Na Ho. I also put a box of tissues next to her. You know, just in case.

When I came home that day, she said a big thank you to me.

"For the movie?"

"Well yes, but mainly for the tissue box."

It was then that I noticed her red eyes and the half-empty tissue box.

Wow.

And that's when we really bonded. Over SRK. Who was incidentally in Singapore at that time for the IIFA awards.

So on an impulse, we decided to go and do a night-out outside the Grand Hyatt where he was staying, and someone get a glimpse of him. The real him.

I still can't believe it, but the area outside the hotel was quite empty, and most of the 'crowd' consisted of elderly Malay ladies who didn't really know who was who, and because they sensed that I knew, they'd turn to me ask me every time a car pulled in. And I'd say, "Um... that's Ritesh Deshmukh." and they'd scream "REEETESH!" Even Ritesh, who was hardly a well-known face then, looked surprised to hear his name. You owe me one, buddy.

So we hung out all night, because that way we got to see all the stars as they came back from partying. We saw about 40 of them, and I'd blogged about it here.

But we didn't see SRK that night.

We saw him the next morning, when we went to have breakfast in the same restaurant as he was having it. With Karan Johar and Jaya Bachchan! In spite of my sleepless zombie-fied state, I was having a hard time trying to control myself. We were civil enough not to disturb them while they were eating, and only when they had stepped out, did we ambush them. Karan and Jayaji promptly vanished, and SRK was probably getting late for something.

"Can we have a photo with you, please?" My words tumbled out.

He looked at me with his trademark SRK piercing eyes and said, "I'll give you three seconds. Okay?"

Three seconds. Gulp. Not enough for us to click two photographs. It was NOT the age of selfies, remember?

We looked at each other. Okay, that was one second gone.

"Go!" I pushed her in front of me.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Just go."

So she did, and I took a very nice photograph of SRK and my housemate. It was one of the biggest sacrifices I'd made and I was surprised at myself. On hindsight, I didn't know why I did it. I was the bigger fan. In fact, my K post in the 2014 A-Z blogathon was about why I love him so much in spite of his horrible acting in most of his movies.

It has been more than a decade. From time to time, I think of the incident. I wonder if she even still has that photograph. I try to be large-hearted. I try to see how happy my gesture had made her. I tell myself - jab SRK dil mein hai toh photo ki kya zaroorat hai.

But at the end of the day, whenever I remember my sacrifice, I only have two words for myself.

"YOU FOOL."

M is for mondegreen

Have you heard the song 'Lovely' from the movie 'Happy New Year'?

Much to my own disapproval, I listen to it a lot. It is indeed one of those songs where the lyrics make you want to punch something or someone. However, independent of your brain, your head keeps bobbing to the beat and you just keep listening to it. On loop. Kind of like 'Baby doll main sone di' and 'Chittiya kalaiyan ve' and 'Kaindi ponn ponn ponn'.

Recently, I saw this video by an RJ called Hoezaay, where he sheds some light on the opening lyrics of the 'Lovely' song. And I kid you not, it DOES sound like 'Have you shaved my toe, Ranbir?' The fact that it's a Deepika song just makes the whole thing even more hilarious. Every time I hear it, I burst into laughter. Ten years ago, I'd blogged about my list of misheard lyrics (or mondegreens, as someone enlightened me), but this beats everything. I don't hear it any other way anymore. To me, 'Lovely' will always be that song about Ranbir shaving Deepika's toe.

Turn on the speaker and check it out.

Not your average Joe(har)

Regular blog bewdi Prathima sent me this link of a Karan Johar interview, where he makes fun of his own movies. I love KJ and his movies (except KANK, which, bleah, I cannot forgive him for) but I also love his personality. His brutal honesty and wit in this interview had me in splits, especially the part where he talks about how translation can ruin a Hindi song, using 'Yeh kya hua' as an example.

Thanks, Prathima. This is the video of the week at the bar: http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/the-boss-dialogues/karan-johar-kuch-kuch-hota-hai-was-one-idiotic-film/340719?pfrom=home-prime

Bhatt of jokes

It's been quite a few weeks since the bar had a 'video of the week', and here's the perfect video for the comeback.

Is she cool or is she cool?

❤️Alia❤️

A bird's-eye view

It was only when I heard myself say, "Tree ke branch par ek blue bird ka nest tha" during a routine story-telling session with Xena that I realised it was not exactly Hindi I was teaching her. The plan is to have Xena take up Hindi as a subject in school and so the tree, branch, blue bird and nest were not going to help. So, much to my sister-in-law's amusement, I corrected myself by saying, "Vriksh ki shakha par ek neele pakshi ka ghosla tha" to a very surprised Xena.

Since then, I've started to consciously use more Hindi words. The other day we were looking at a bird resting on a window ledge. "Pigeon!" She said. "Kabootar!" I said. She was very amused at the word and kept repeating it.

"Xena, do you know there is a kabootar song?" I asked her.

(A big thwack with a rolled up newspaper on the heads of bewdas who immediately thought of the lotan kabootar song. Dhikkar hai tum sab par. Sharm karo.)

"Mama, can you sing it for me?" She asked.

So I sang "Kabootar ja ja ja" from Maine Pyar Kiya and explained to her that "ja" means "go".

"Why are you asking the kabootar to go away?" She asked.

So I explained to her that in the song there was a story, and in the story there was a Bhagyashree Aunty who had a kabootar and she wanted to send a letter through it.

"Just like postman uncle!" She exclaimed.

"Yes!"

"Bhagyashree Aunty ne kisko letter bheja?"

"Salman Uncle ko."

"What did she write?"

"She asked him to come back."

"Where was he?"

"Errr... At a party."

"Why did she ask him to come back?"

"Umm... Because she wanted to meet him."

"The kabootar flew to Salman Uncle?"

"Ummm... No. It was a very smart kabootar. It did not know where Salman Uncle was, so it went in Salman Uncle's manager's car."

(Yes, I was surprised at my own memory.)

"Then?"

"Salman Uncle read the letter and came back!"

"How did he come back?"

"In his car. He drove back."

"And the kabootar came back in the car again?"

"Err... No. It flew back."

"Why didn't it come back in Uncle's car?"

"Umm.. Uncle asked it to fly to Aunty."
(Well, selfish Uncle did sing, "Tu yeh sandesa unko sunana, main peechhe aaya.")

This conversation really made me crave at least the song, if not the movie. Here it is for you too, bewdas. Let's reminisce about the time when underneath Salman Uncle's vest was not his six-pack, but ribs and hair instead, and underneath Bhagyashree Aunty's visibly bad make-up were visibly bad pimples. And oh, let's not forget the end of the song when apples that grew on grass tumbled away and turned her on.

Terrific trio

"I feel like watching an old Amitabh Bachchan movie," Viv said. I nearly fell off my chair.

You see, this kind of quote never originates from him. It usually originates from me and almost all my friends, but him craving an old Hindi movie? That was something. And that is why even though I am not an Amitabh Bachchan fan, I promptly dug up his old movies on YouTube. We settled on Amar Akbar Anthony and after putting Xena to bed, started watching.

Though I'd watched it countless times as a kid, I realised that I'd not really noticed a lot of things until this viewing. Especially the unintentionally funny things.

- The very first scene starts with Pran returning home from jail to find out that his wife has TB. That wife then goes through a LOT of stuff in the next 22 years, including losing her family and eyesight and then getting them all back, but never once is her TB mentioned again.

- Oh dear lord, did they really show the three brothers tandem-donating blood to their mother?

- I always thought Amar was the eldest, followed by Akbar and then Anthony. It turns out Akbar was the youngest. Why? I mean, even if they thought Rishi Kapoor was best suited for the role of Akbar and looked the youngest of the three, why didn't they name the movie Amar Anthony Akbar? Okay fine, it doesn't have the same ring and the title song would be totally ruined, but still, why? [Btw, Wikipedia tells me that in the Telugu remake it was Ram Robert Rahim and in the Malayalam remake it was John Jaffer Janardhanan.]

- The movie moves at such an incredibly fast pace that it's almost comical. Take the scene where the brothers get separated, for instance. Akbar's foster father doesn't even wait for 10 seconds for the parents of the abandoned kid to turn up; he just takes off with the kid!

- Anthony's foster father knew his mother was called Bharti and yet he brought him up as Anthony. However, Pran brought up Parveen Babi as a Christian knowing that she was Robert's daughter. Hmmmm.

- I'd forgotten who was cast opposite Vinod Khanna! I was shocked to see Shabana Azmi in yellow flared pants. I kind of expected someone like Bindiya Goswami or Zeenat Aman. But then after her 'rescue', Shabana went right back to her bharatiya nari avatar, appearing only in saris after that.

- All of Vinod Khanna's angry scenes start with his back to the camera and a sudden turnaround.

- In all his movies from that era, Amitabh Bachchan just has to find a statue of some god and start scolding him for the injustice he has suffered.

- Amar calls Nirupa Roy 'maa' or 'maaji' to her face, but when talking about her to Anthony he says, "Maine kal jis budhiya ko khoon diya tha..."

- I suppose Vinod Khanna was the Salman Khan of those days, huh? In both major fight scenes, his clothes come off. Well, he still had a vest on in the first one, and only one sleeve came off in the last fight, but still.

- The scene where two lamps travel from the eyes of the Sai Baba idol to Nirupa Roy's eyes, instantly restoring her eyesight, will possibly be one of the funniest in Bollywood history. And I just didn't get why she suddenly started crawling towards the idol after that. Woman, you can walk. You just got your eyesight back. Why on earth are you crawling?

- Vinod Khanna and Rishi Kapoor are such handsome men. Why why why oh why did they have those pencil-thin KL Saigal type moustaches?

- Everyone in the movie kept talking about the incident that happened 'baees saal pehle', but when Zeenat Aman calls Pran from the church phone, she says 'Pachees saal pehle'!

- Anthony's foster father died of a stab wound, but there was no sign of any blood on his white robes when Anthony found him.

- What on earth was Helen doing in the movie? And Pran just let her go into the lion's den to die?

- Parveen Babi was so so so gorgeous. Of course she was known to be one of the 'western' type Indian actresses, but I was impressed at the panache with which she spouted the unconventional dialogues given to her - bloody, none of your business, bastard, etc.

- Parveen Babi was always seen in typical Parveen Babi outfits, but I simply loved the practicality of the one they gave her in the chase scene. A thigh-slit long skirt, perfect for her date with Anthony, but with shorts underneath for still looking ladylike during the sudden and rapid running away from the bad guys.

- All the leading women in the movie have such glossy hair. In Amitabh Bachchan style, why, god, why? Yeh nainsaafi mere saath hi kyun?

- You gotta hand it to Pran for his preparedness and quick response time. He goes to visit his daughter, armed with a bottle of chloroform, simply sees some window blinds flicker and immediately deduces that the bodyguard has held her captive in that room and knocks him out with the chloroform.

- I literally burst out laughing when Nirupa Roy started knocking on the doors of the operating theatre asking the doctors to open the door so she could give the pooja ke phool to the patient in the middle of his surgery.

- The villain telling Neetu Singh - "Tum doctor ho na? Isko hosh mein lao!" was classic.

- Why on earth did snakes keep sprouting all over the place? At one point it felt like I was watching a nagin movie.

- Holy cow. Now Viv wants to teach Xena to say "You see the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere, because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated with the exuberance of your own verbosity."

- The movie had every fathomable element of a masala movie - brothers separated in their childhood and reunited in adulthood, brought up under three separate religions, three heroes and three heroines, many villains who just happened to know one another, gold biscuits, murder, smuggling, jail, kidnapping, mother losing sight and randomly gaining it back, and what not. And I had totally forgotten about the villain's good-guy twin brother; I thought that had only happened in Andaz Apna Apna. And of course, the police arriving only in the last 30 seconds of the movie. This has to be the most masaledaar of all masala movies.

Feeling bored? Watch Amar Akbar Anthony. Aka entertainment entertainment entertainment.