Saturday, January 24, 2009

Success(ion) planning

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) found out about a secret meeting called 'Bollywood boyz' (yes, she did pause to roll her eyes) and decided to do some investigation.

"Boyz... sheesh." She said to herself as she climbed the tree outside Harman Baweja's house at 10 in the night. But her extensive tree-climbing experience made the task very easy and soon she was perched on one of the branches and taking notes.

So John Abraham is standing at the door with his hands on his hips, as the designated bouncer for the night. Harman Baweja, Hrithik Roshan, Riteish Deshmukh, Viveik Oberoi, Abhishek Bachchan, Imran Khan, Shreyas Talpade, Emraan Hashmi and Ranbir Kapoor are sitting around the bar in the living room and drinking away.

Shreyas - Guys guys... stop now. We need to focus. This is like our tenth meeting and we have not done anything so far.

SSSK almost falls off the branch to hear that she has not been kept in the loop of the earlier nine meetings.

Ranbir - Ugh! I can't quite remember what happened in the last nine. I was too drunk I think. Somebody tell me.

Harman - Sigh... okay fine. We have gathered here, for the tenth time to discuss our careers. The old blood, aka the bloody buddhas are ruling Bollywood and we, the young blood, are sitting joblessly at home.

Hrithik - Yes, so the plan is to take the sensible route and embrace the fact that...

Ranbir - ...that hamara kuchh nahin ho sakta.

Hrithik smacks him on the head.

Hrithik - No! Sheesh. Not that. We should embrace the fact that the buddhas are going to stick around for another decade or so, and trying to compete with them would be foolish.

Imran - Yes, and so it would be wise for us to do something else for the next ten years -- start a business partnership maybe -- and when the... ahem... seniors are.. erm... you know... we take over.

Ranbir - I love this idea. I love you guys. Not in the same way as Deepika, but I love you guys.

Emraan - Bewda saala... the important thing is for us to stay united, and ten years later when we get our chance, not to back-stab one another. So I say we each pick one of the seniors we would like to replace, and simply slip into their shoes. That way no one competes with one another.

Harman - Great idea. Shall we start by making a list of all the errr... seniors, and picking whom each of us is going to replace?

Abhishek Bachchan starts writing down names on a whiteboard.

Viveik (really drunk) - Buddhe saale... ek pair kabr mein hai, doosre pair se movie contract sign kar rahe hain... na marte hain na humko kaam karne dete hain!

Shreyas - Calm down, Viveik. What is this yaar?

Viveik (blushing) - Nahin woh toh main... thoda angry young man... I am going for Amitabh Bachchan, you see.

Abhishek - *COUGH COUGH*

Viveik - What?


Viveik - WHAT?!

Hrithik - Errr.. Viveik, I think you should let Abhishek take this one.

Viveik (really really drunk) - Kyun?? Iska baap lagta hai woh??

Everyone calms Viveik down and makes him sit on the couch. A bucket is put next to him.

Suddenly there's some commotion at the door. Apparently there's an uninvited visitor.

John - Excuse me? May I help you?

Mystery visitor (takes off his cap) - Hey Johnny! It's me, Himesh!

John - Arre Himeshbhai! Topi mein maine aapko pehchana hi nahin! Batao kya haal?

Himesh - Suna hai yahan koi meeting ho rahi hai?

John - Haan woh aise hi... daaru party hai...

Himesh - Arre Johnny, you don't have to hide it from me. Actually I know what it is. And I want to join too. I feel that I have the same grudge as you guys. In fact, we are all in the same boat. And the fact that the group is called 'Bollywood Boyzzzz' has made my decision stronger.

John (glares) - It's not 'Bollywood Boyzzzz', it's 'Bollywood Boyz'. Ek hi Z hai. Unlike your Karzzzz. Chalo niklo yahan se. Kahan kahan se aa jaate hain middle-aged log wanting to be part of 'Bollywood Boyz'...

Himesh - Haan haan, ja raha hoon. Johnny gaddaar! Dekh loonga tum sabko!

Himesh leaves.

Emraan - Well done, bouncer John! Anyway... so we have Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Salman, Aamir, Ajay, Akshay and Saif.

 - Holy shit. Seven versus ten?

 - Ten? Arre don't count the bouncer yaar. 

- Oh yeah! Though I wonder if John is beginning to get the drift that we never count him... 

- Ahem. Woh saat aur hum nau??!! Bahut naainsafi hai!

Viveik - Abbe! Gabbar ki acting karega toh tujhe Amitabh ki position nahin mil jaayegi. Asli Gabbar was Amjad Khan!

Abhishek - Shhhh! Dad ke saamne aisa galti se bhi mat bol dena! He is very touchy about his Gabbar in RGV's Aag. He still gets into that character at times and makes all of us address him as sardaar. It's so annoying!

Ranbir - Mere ko tere par bharosa nahin hai. Abhi aise bol raha hai, baad mein baap ki side par ho jayega.

Abhishek - Sigh, I wish. Everytime I star in a movie, either he's in it, or he's in another one with a hotter chick. He's been elbowing me out for so long now, that's it! He says I have let the good Bachchan name down. I have to do something for my own career now. I will do anything I have to!

Shreyas - Anyway... So what we do about this seven versus nine situation?

Harman - I was thinking...

Hrithik (in a sarcastic tone) - Oh you do that too?

Harman glares at Hrithik.

Ranbir (addressing Hrithik and Harman) - Hey guys... I think you should forget your differences... which are actually about your similarities... oh wait, what was I saying originally?

Everyone ignores him.

Harman - Look Hrithik, there is a workaround. See I have almost replaced you anyway. There can be only one of us. You have tried your luck, now it's my turn. So I say I will replace Hrithik Roshan.

Hrithik - Saale... I am right here!

Harman - Yaar tera toh kuchh hua nahin... maybe I can achieve the heights that our face, body and dancing are truly worthy of.

Hrithik - Our?! So you admit! Ha! He admits!

Hrithik is heartbroken to see that no one could care less.

Emraan - Anyway, baaki log bolo yaar.

Shreyas - I was thinking... Ajay Devgan... we have so many similarities... we're both not much of lookers... and boy, can we act or what.

Ranbir - Ajay Devgan?! Tu aur Ajay Devgan? Can you ride two motorbikes at once? Ajay ki entry kaise hui thi yaad hai? Tu toh rickshey par aana! Bada aaya Ajay Devgan! What is this art film guy doing here anyway?? Who invited him??

Abhishek - What about you, Imran?

Imran (shrugs his shoulders) - Mamu, who else?

Abhishek - Why? Because Mamu said so?

Imran (shrugs his shoulders again) - Yeah, what else?

Viveik - Riteish, mere ko toh Amitabh mil gaya. Tujhko kaun mila?

Riteish - I'm thinking Salman Khan... goofy character... I can do that.

Ranbir - Abbe! Body dekhi hai Salman ki? Woh body hai toh tu dead body hai!

Bouncer John (from the door) - Guys! Talking of body... (flexes his biceps)

Ranbir - Abbe chup! You can't speak today. Just do what Shilpa Shetty asked you to do!

John - Huh? What did Shilpa Shetty ask me to do?

Ranbir (starts singing) - Shut up and bounce baby bounce...

This goes on for two hours, and finally the meeting is concluded. Without any conclusions. The date of the next meeting is fixed and everyone leaves.

SSSK - Argh! Everyone is off in a different direction. Main kiska peechha karoon??

Suddenly she sees a hooded figure on foot. Realising that she has no other means of transport, she starts following him.

The hooded figure walks for a long long time before he reaches a bungalow. SSSK stealthily walks behind him, and when he rings the doorbell, she hides in the bushes.

The door opens and the hood comes off.

"Abhishek Bachchan!" she gasps.

Taking out her notebook, she makes herself comfortable amongst the bushes and starts furiously writing.

She lets out another gasp when she sees the occupants of that room. Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Salman, Aamir, Amitabh, Ajay, Akshay and Saif.

Amitabh - You are late.

Abhishek - Dad, aap gaadi de dete toh...

Amitabh - Shut up. If you derserved a gaadi, you'd have a gaadi.

Abhishek murmurs to himself.

Amitabh (in Gabbar mode again) - Kitne aadmi they?

Abhishek (rolls his eyes but decides to humour him) - Nau, sardaar.

Amitabh - WHAT?! Nau sardaar?? Bollywood mein itne sardaar kab se aa gaye?? Woh sala Jimmy Shergill bhi pahunch gaya kya? Hainnn??

Abhishek - No, Dad. Nau comma sardaar. Bouncer ko count nahin kiya.

Amitabh - Achha achha. And what was the outcome?

Abhishek - Same as before.

Shah Rukh - Haha! The 10-year plan, eh?

Abhishek - Yeah. We're going to wait another decade and each of us will replace one of you.

Amitabh - Hahahahahahahaha!

Shah Rukh - Hahahahahahahaha!

Aamir - Hahahahahahahaha!

Salman - Hahahahahahaha! Errr.. wait, why are we laughing again? Shouldn't we be coming up with a counter-plan?

Aamir - Abbe dhakkan! Dus saal mein toh apne bachhe bade ho jayenge!

Amitabh (looks at Abhishek) - Sigh... hopefully.

Abhishek glares at the carpet.

Shah Rukh - That's right! Dus saal mein toh apne bachhe bade ho jayenge! And they will take over us!

Amitabh (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Shah Rukh (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Aamir (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Akshay (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Ajay (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Saif (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha!

Salman (Ravan-style laughter) - Muahahahahahahaha! (looks around the room at all of them and suddenly realises something) OH SHIT!!

He takes out his mobile phone and dials a number.

Salman - Hello Katrina... erm... guess what? I'm about to say something that you have been waiting for. This is going to make you very very happy...


Svetlana Mahajan said...


Sanket said...

Awesomest post!!! I just love your idea of sitting on a tree :D :D

Sudipta Chatterjee said...


PizzaDude said...


As per the latest bollywood gossip, SRK has been offered the role of Mugambo in Mr. India 2.

Btw, what happened to the portable tree house??

Shekhar said...

Muahahahaha (Ravan style?)..!!

Awesome post!! Loved the 'woh body hai to tuh dead body' dialogue. :D

moi said...

truly marvelous ....too good !!!

Neha said...

lolz! read ur post just when i needed a laugh....loved the twist in the tale with the buddhe logonka cenference..:D

Tejal said...

hahhahahahaa... awesome post! loved the ending! :D

Richa said...

tarikh pe tarikh,
tarikh pe tarikh,

jitni bhi tarikhen ho, another 2 decades wont get us rid of these buddhas :P

Dewdrop said...

:) Nice post... many LOL dialogues!!!

Nidhi said...

Haha...good one! I specially loved "woh body hai toh tu dead body hai" :D :D
And you are so particular re...I noticed that u have spelled Vivek Oberoi as Viveik (I guess he has changed his spelling coz of numerology!!!)....tussi ekdum editor material ho :P

maxdavinci said...

loved the lines!

esp the Harman replacing Hrithik!

Jass said...

///No, Dad. Nau comma sardaar.


Blooody hilarious post!!

One in a Billion said...

Am just glad Emraan didn't kiss anybody.

Fun post, Sayesha :)

Revathi said...

Arey mast post bhai!!
Mazaa aa gaya!!
Bhagwan aapka bhala kare!!
and now i sound like the beggars outside VT!! :P
but seriously hilarious post!! :)

mythalez said...


and Riteish (or however he might be spelt) as usual has the smallest role and does not even have his name featured in the opening credits :P

VIDYA said...


and d endin....loved d punch!

Keep givin us updates on sssk's karnaame!!!

virdi said...

yaar woh uska kya hua "fardeen khan"???? hahahahaha

workhard said...

You creative dude, cool post, keep writing, its this is just like a movie left for us to imagine,

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Varun said...

:)) =)) Nice ones !!

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