Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Dude, you're screwed!

Viv often used to show me the various injuries his hands had sustained while playing cricket. It was true. His fingers did resemble the arms of a starfish - they looked like they were each headed in a different direction. Except for the little finger on his left hand, which was the only one that kinda looked normal.

So during last saturday's cricket practice, he decided to do something about it.

After practice, when he reported to me with the swollen hand, we rushed to the hospital. The x-ray confirmed that it was a fracture, but they did not put a cast on it. We were asked to go back on Monday to see the orthopaedic surgeon, in case surgery was required.

We were back in the hospital on Monday and saw Dr. Y, a sports injuries specialist, who confirmed that surgery would be required, and that he would need to put in some titanium screws and metal plates to hold the bones. He gave us a slot for the same day.

We went home to rest, and also to call the parents. It's strange how all moms of the world react in the same manner to news like this.

His mom - "Stop playing cricket!"
My mom - "Stop playing cricket!"

My mom (to me) - "Ask him to stop playing cricket! Yeh koi umar hai cricket khelne ki?"

Sheesh.

So I decided to go into my drama queen mode.

"Mom, what are you saying?? Viv plays for Singapore! Would you ask Tendulkar to stop playing because he got injured??"

Of course, Mom did not dare compare her son with her son-in-law. Yes, just like millions of other moms in India, my Mom too truly believes that Sachin Tendulkar is her son. And you thought three wannabe-dads vying for Anna Nicole Smith's baby was too much.

Anyway, we went back to the hospital in the afternoon, and they wheeled him away for the surgery at about 5 pm. I waited in the ward itself. At first, I paced the floor like an expectant father, then realised it was not only futile (the surgeon had told me that the procedure would take about one and a half hours, add to that the pre-surgery procedures and I had a solid 3-4 hours' wait ahead of me), it was also tiring. Plus, there was nothing to really worry about, Dr. Y was very experienced, and knew Viv's cricket buddies, and I was confident he would do a good job.

So I decided to look out of the window at the man who was sweeping the carpark. After watching him for half an hour, I realised it was not fun anymore. I looked around for other things to do. Not much was happening in the ward and the other patients were also kinda quiet. I actually started wishing I had Robin William's red clown-nose. Sheesh.


Fortunately, Viv's bed had a TV with about ten channels or so. Unfortunately, the speaker was attached to the bed. I could not have increased the volume without disturbing the other patients. The only way was to get into the bed and watch TV there. Of course, the bed was for the patient, but hey, I was the patient one here! Anyway, I decided not to do it, and watch it on mute instead. After a while, Ellen Degeneres and Tyra Banks mouthing blank words made no sense whatsoever, and I actually got irritated at the laughing audience cos I was left out of the jokes. Hmmph! :/

So I decided to switch it to a Malay channel because it had English subtitles. Some cookery show was going on, and this chick was trying to learn how to make minced meat from an old lady. After the minced meat was labouriously cooked, the chick said she wanted to make something too. Fish and chips. The old lady looked impressed. After she'd made the fish, the chick took out a pack of frozen chips and put them in to fry. Looking totally taken aback, the old lady paused and then politely asked, "You bought the frozen chips?" I'm sure she wanted to stress the 'bought' but she stressed the 'you' instead. Oh only I know how I controlled my laughter. The chick said, "Yes, I bought them. Actually I wanted to make the chips from scratch, but it is actually very difficult." This time I could not suppress my laughter, and the patient in front of me gave me a queer look.

This too, soon got incredibly boring. So I pulled out one of the pillows from the bed, put it on the chair, and sat down. It had been about two hours. What can I do now, I asked myself. I was feeling worried, but told myself that if my worrying could solve problems, I'd worry all night. But it couldn't. So I decided to while away time coming up with really bad jokes about his surgery to cheer him up.

Spiderman ishtyle - "Titanium man Titanium man, friendly neighbourhood Titanium man!"

Sunil Shetty ishtyle - "Yeh haath faulaad ke baney hain, faulaad ke!"

"Log kehte hain meri ungliyon mein jaadu hai, tumhari ungliyon mein kya hai? Titanium screws! Muahahaha!"

Bimbo ishtyle - "Darlin', I bought you titanium for your finger. Wouldn't you buy me platinum for mine? With some diamonds thrown in too?" *eyelash flutter flutter*

And finally, my favourite: "Dude, you're screwed!"

After the endless waiting, Dr. Y came to see me. He told me that the operation had gone off well, that he had to put in "a lot of screws" and that Viv was still under the effect of the anaesthesia. It's a bit scary when a surgeon uses imprecise words like "a lot of screws" but I had faith in Dr. Y so I did not panic too much.


Disclaimer: Posting the before and after pics of the x-ray images was Viv's idea, not mine. :/

Half an hour later, they finally brought Viv out of the operation theatre. His hand was bandaged all the way till his elbow, he was on IV and he looked incredibly drowsy. The nurse told him, "Try to sleep, okay? No talking." Hey, why did she look at me when she said that? It was not like I was gonna blabber. :/

"Nurse, if he sleeps now, what about his dinner? He hasn't had food or water since 11.30 am." Okay fine, I did blabber.

She gave me one of those looks that nurses give you when you say something that implies they're not doing their jobs well. "He will wake up for dinner, trust me he will." She said.

Fine. Just asking! Hmmmph! :/

Then she looked at him and said, "If you don't sleep now, you can't go home tomorrow!" Kinda reminded me of my kindergarten teacher, "Sayesha, if you don't stop shooting pencils around the class, you can't go home today!" So I decided not to tell him my treasure of bad jokes in case I got scolded by the nurse.

But it looked like he had something to say, even in that drugged state. Even though I tried to 'shhh' him with sheepish glances at the nurse, he still managed to smile and say the three magic words that made me smile too.

"Blog about this?"



46 comments:

sunshne. said...

Viv, wish you a speedy recovery.

Sayesha, I could only think of a few more worse ones, like, aaj mere paas bank balance hai, gaadi hai, bungla hai, tumhare paas kya hai? And you know the answer, right?

Since you take up most requests, how about writing about the idiosyncratically funny happenings in Indian marriages?

sunshine said...

That was sunshine. Sorry for the typo.

Duhita said...

Wishing Viv a speedy recovery. And welcome back Sash:)

Shekhar said...

Hey Viv, get well soon !!! :))

And Sayesha ji, you really should've gotten yourself a Robbin Williams' red-nose.. I'm sure you would have managed to bring a smile to the patient's ward. :D

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

hope he doesn't have any flights to catch for a while. :)

take care you two!

Prerna said...

Hi sayesha...
Dont worry , he will recover soon :-)
BTW ...Is he the same viv who was with u during ur "cambodia" and "Redang/Perhentian islands" trip ??

Bivas said...

Sash...yeh kya kiya...World Cup Cricket next week se and ur Hubby's Screwed...bahu Na-insafi hai mi-lord!
Dude,wish u a speedy recovery...

PizzaDude said...

Get well soon Viv!

Btw, the "Bimbo ishtyle" one was quite funny :D

Angelsera said...

hey Sayesha, dont worry abt the screws :) trust me they r way better than casts!
I wud know, as a Biomed eng we build tt sorta thing :) ...(and after 12 fractures on the same leg)
anyways..wishing Viv a speedy recovery..

Angelsera said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angelsera said...

btw..I like the way you replied to my comment from the last post ... "situation" ... tts wat happens after marriage? :D

Neihal said...

I know its not appropriate, but sayesha cant help :/

hahahahaha
better now :)

My hubby is a ortho surgeon...and I have so many of those X-rays scattered around here, he seems more of a radiologist to me.

Take care Viv :)
you too Sash :)

Clueless said...

Hai raam. Kya karen is gadhe ka? Though, man...the starfish analogy makes complete sense - now all fingers point in different directions! ;)

I got really scared when you told me about the surgery, but after I'd calmed down a bit and told my friends about it, we were all wondering if he'd need another surgery to remove the screws or whether they'd stay in forever. And then we began wondering if (in the case of the latter) he'd beep every time he walked through a metal detector thingy. Eh yeah, weird thoughts come into your head at times like these, so I can totally understand you coming up with lame jokes in the waiting area (and I'm pretty sure Viv will laugh his head off at all of them once you tell him!).

And get well soon, dudhead! *hugs*

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Wish viv a speedy recovery and a lot less screw-ups in life! :)

Iday said...

Wishing Viv a super speedy recovery :)

Good thing Singapore isnt participating in the WC. It would have missed a star player ;)

Take care you two...

Sayesha said...

#Sunshine,
Thanks for your wishes! :)
ps: Some day I may just write that post! :)

#Duhita,
Thanks dear! Welcome back to the bar! :)

#Shekhar,
Hehehe... thanks! :)

#Ipanema Gal,
Naah, his travel schedule looks quiet this quarter. :)

#Prerna,
Thanks for your wishes. And yes, it is indeed my travel buddy Viv. :)

#Bivas,
Hehehe... woh toh taiyaar baitha hai WC ke practice matches bhi dekhega ghar baithke! :)

#Pizzadude,
Thanks! :P

#Angelsera,
Thanks for your wishes! :)
12 fractures on the same leg??? :O

//"situation" ... tts wat happens after marriage? :D

Hehehe... earlier as a friend I could just yell at him for things like this, but after the wedding, gotta be more restrained. Strange huh? :P

#Neihal,
Thanks! :)

#Clueless,
//Hai raam. Kya karen is gadhe ka?

Tum ghar aao aur kuchh samjhao isko! :)

//And then we began wondering if (in the case of the latter) he'd beep every time he walked through a metal detector thingy.

Hehehe... this was one of the things I asked him too! :P

#Sudipta,
Thanks! :)

#Iday,
Hehehe... it will be a while before Singapore enters the WC man... let's see :)
ps: Thanks for your wishes! :)

Thisisme said...

Here's wishin viv a very speedy n healthy recovery :-)

and hehhee..i could so very well relate to all the thots u had while u were in the hospital...whenever some1 close to me is in a surgery..m exactly in the same situation :P and that nurse wala luk...ufff!..tell me abt it :-|

Anonymous said...

Hey, what have they done to his hand?
The left one looks absolutely normal except for a small crack and the right one looks weird.. one finger missing..the operated finger looks like he is wearing all the rings he got for his wedding!!

lazybones said...

Hi sayesha.. first time here. Interesting blog. Your style reminds me of another blogger called enigma

bestdazeofmylife said...

it's all that verbal diarhoea man, it's the rage didn't ya know, lazy?

Sayesha said...

#Thisisme,
Thanks! :)

#Anonymous,
The 'small crack' is not actually a small crack, it's a complicated one because it goes diagonally across the bone. And there's no finger missing in the second pic, the thumb is under his forefinger.

#Lazybones,
Welcome to Sayeshaz and thanks! :)

fao san said...

hello, there! been a while. didn't get to wish ya in time, so here goes..wish you a happy married life. may your tribe increase.

n to the hubby...*wink! muah!*

Tarun. said...

Viv get well soon, U have busy nights coming up, world cup is causing injuries not only to players but also too fans.

Ciao.

No journey is complete without pains.

@ Sayesha well written. :D

Anonymous said...

Hi Viv,

Hope you get well "soon"(emphasis on soon cos a certain lady happens to be your wife :D)

Sayesha,

I really really didn want to insult you but your pjs made me do it :D

-Sowmya

ps: I would've killed a person if he/she posts my x-rays on a blog!! :))

Looks like only Viv can put up with you :D

Vaijayanta Chattoraj said...

Initially, I thought Sayesha is describing Viv Richards.

Hope Viv recovers as fast as possible.

He will soon.

PSV said...

ha ha ha ha...
Viv ka sense of humor laajawaab!
I'm sure u taking good care of him.
Best wishes

Sayesha said...

#Fao San,
Thanks. :) Really hoped to see you at the reception though. :(

#Tarun,
Thanks! You're right, Viv's probably gonna watch all the matches. I'll only watch the India ones. :)

#Sowmya,
//I really really didn want to insult you but your pjs made me do it :D

I dun crack PJs in every post, but you insult me in all of 'em, doncha? ;)

//I would've killed a person if he/she posts my x-rays on a blog!! :))

Hahaha! I didn't post them at first, but Viv insisted! :/

#Vaijayanta,
Thanks :)

#PSV,
Thanks :)

The One said...

Good to have you back.

Hope your hubby feels better soon, and thanks for the very enjoyable post :)

GuNs said...

ROTFLMAO..."Screwed"

Where did you think THAT up?

-PeAcE
--WiTh
---GuNs

Sakshi said...

Wishing Viv a speedy recovery..
And laughed at your "Yeh haat faulad ke bane hai"..
I think he can safely say that he has more metal in his lil finger than most people have in their entire body.
Take care both of you..

Harshi said...

Hey Sash, anyone's lucky to have you around to cheer them up with your jokes when they are sick :-).

Hope he gets well soon. That must have been painful! And yeah, no cricket for a while now I guess.

Gems Bond said...

Get well soon, Viv! I think you are soon going to be blogging a lot - not with your hand screwed and all - but I can see you getting addicted to blogging!

Sash - great post! :)

atul lakhotia said...

wishing Viv a speedy recovery...and u were hilarious still in these moments..compare with the Indian wives.. :P or with the wives in saas bahi type serials if u have seen some....

Raam Pyari said...

@viv--:O:O:O:O:O:O
metal detectors se kaise pass honge??!!!
:P
Get well soon:)

@bahin--can't the singapore govt pass a law making it complusory for you to blog each day.
pretty puhleezz
*maxxx charming type luk*
*maxxx winning type smile*

Anonymous said...

Couple of things

1.> please get a life

2.> Seriously , please do !!!

Like someone above said , "If somebody puts my x-rays on a blog , i would kill that person" - I think that person was being too considerate !

Rebellion said...

Hey dear, wish him a speedy recovery from both of us ;)
And do some seva for him :P
And do tell him that "I" wished for him :P

Take care,
Aarti

Rebellion said...

LOL @ Raam Pyari :)
I second her Sash :D

Raam Pyari said...

*sigh*
anonymous ppl...

Manasi said...

That punch line was something! :)

Wishing Viv a speedy recovery.

Sayesha said...

#The One,
Thanks :)

#GuNs,
:P

#Sakshi,
Ah, that's another good one! :D

#Harshi,
Thanks babe! :)

#Gems,
Thanks :)

#Atul,
Hehehe... :P

#Raam Pyari,
Kahan thi itne din??? Huh huh huh?
*maxxx angry wala luk* :@

Welcome back, bahinnnn!!!!
*maxxx pyaar wala hug* :)

#Anonymous,
Awwww! You read my blog??? You care enough to comment??? Obviously you have no life. I think you're the one who needs the tips. :)
1.> Stop reading my blog.
2.> Get a life, dear. :)

#Aarti,
Thanks dear :)

#Raam Pyari,
Chill bahinn... aate jaate rehte hain :)

#Manasi,
Thanks :)

Raam Pyari said...

oye hoye...gussa ni hone ka..apana stst counter chek karro each day atleast 2-3 times aati thi mein..bass comment karne waala mode off ho gaya tha:P
*maxxxxxx waala hug*

soleil said...

He still knows what to say to make you smile even when he's drowsy and half-android :)

Take good care of him and he'll be A-ok in no time ;)

The Lonely Traveller said...

Hi Sash.
And Viv,
Get well soon!

God Bless Us All.

Cheers,
Roshan

rt said...

@viv- get well soon!!
@ syaesha- very interesting post...

Sayesha said...

#Raam pyari,
Chal bach gayi tu! :P

#Soleil,
Thanks dear! :)

#The lonely traveller,
Thanks! :)

#RT,
Thanks! :)

manochitra said...

Whats the big deal about posting someone's X-Rays ?? I don't get it..!