My andekha anjana

This could prove to a huge mistake but today I'm gonna disclose my oldest and deepest secret. I just feel like I have to let it out.

As I was packing to move into my new house, I came across my DDLJ dvd. And as I stared at the cover, I sensed myself falling in love with the movie all over again. I was transported back to the time when the whole concept of the 'andekha anjana' (the unseen, unknown) as depicted in movies like DDLJ and DTPH, used to be so romantic, so dreamy.

My friends and I were crazy about all the movies of that genre. To the point of madness. And here comes the really crazy part -- I even had my own andekha anjana!

Yes, in my mind and heart, I had formed an image of my dream guy. The guy who when funny was so utterly funny, and when serious was so utterly serious that you could never really understand him fully. The guy who could give me goosebumps with just one look. The guy who was arrogant and yet, vulnerable. The guy who could read right through my thoughts. The guy who loved me the most in the whole world. The guy who woke up every morning and thanked his stars for having me in his life. The guy whose friends woke up every morning and cursed themselves that he met me first. (don’t laugh now! I really believed all this!)

His entire personality was crystal clear in my mind and heart. I knew exactly how he was, how his thought process was, how he felt about things, how he reacted to things. Yes, he was so real, it was freaky.

And if this is not crazy enough, I even had a name for him. After shortlisting down to three names, I finally decided to call him 'Sameer'. 'Cos to me, that was (and probably still is) the best sounding guy name on earth.

Because I had created him, I knew everything about him. Except of course, how he looked like. That never seemed important anyway. I believed in his existence so strongly that he just had to exist. For my sake.

I could feel it. Sameer was always around, watching over me. Waiting to show himself.

Friends and cousins laughed at me, but I lived my entire teenage living that (silly?) dream that one day he would turn up at my doorstep and say, “Recognise me?”

And somehow, I would.

As time passed, and I crossed paths with more and more people, I realised that there was no one around who could be even close to what Sameer was to me. Perhaps in my immature mind, I had formed too strong a personality for him. To the point that I was never able to equate him to any of the ‘real’ guys I knew. So I learnt to laugh at myself and my crazy ideas. And finally I dismissed Sameer as someone who could not exist in real life.

I got over him.

(Is it strange to get over a guy you were never even together with?)

My life took its own turns. My ideas and thoughts about matters of the heart also changed. Some, quite drastically. But I am still not sure if I have completely shaken off my old thoughts. Once in a while, I do revisit that thought, I do think about him. But I have learnt not to get too much into it. The pure and absolute charm of the idea that I delighted in, one that was my own precious little secret with myself, has probably melted away to reveal the realities of life.

I used to think that I would meet my andekha anjana and we would live happily ever after. But I realise that's probably not a good thing to happen. Perhaps when the andekha and anjana is not andekha and anjana anymore, the charm of the whole thing just evaporates away, leaving behind harsh realities. That fear is very real. And obviously one can't spend a lifetime with just the idea of an andekha anjana. When practicality takes over, and logic rules, dreamy thoughts seldom last.

So maybe it is best to shrug off this idea for good.

But on the other hand, I am too much of a dreamer to be able to do that. Maybe my andekha anjana is still out there, watching over me.

And if he is, I'd want him to always stay andekha and anjana.

I have formed my world, my life, without him.

I hope he does not turn up at my doorstep one fine day and confuse me with a “Recognise me?”