Monday, August 22, 2005

My andekha anjana

This could prove to a huge mistake but today I'm gonna disclose my oldest and deepest secret. I just feel like I have to let it out.

As I was packing to move into my new house, I came across my DDLJ dvd. And as I stared at the cover, I sensed myself falling in love with the movie all over again. I was transported back to the time when the whole concept of the 'andekha anjana' (the unseen, unknown) as depicted in movies like DDLJ and DTPH, used to be so romantic, so dreamy.

My friends and I were crazy about all the movies of that genre. To the point of madness. And here comes the really crazy part -- I even had my own andekha anjana!

Yes, in my mind and heart, I had formed an image of my dream guy. The guy who when funny was so utterly funny, and when serious was so utterly serious that you could never really understand him fully. The guy who could give me goosebumps with just one look. The guy who was arrogant and yet, vulnerable. The guy who could read right through my thoughts. The guy who loved me the most in the whole world. The guy who woke up every morning and thanked his stars for having me in his life. The guy whose friends woke up every morning and cursed themselves that he met me first. (don’t laugh now! I really believed all this!)

His entire personality was crystal clear in my mind and heart. I knew exactly how he was, how his thought process was, how he felt about things, how he reacted to things. Yes, he was so real, it was freaky.

And if this is not crazy enough, I even had a name for him. After shortlisting down to three names, I finally decided to call him 'Sameer'. 'Cos to me, that was (and probably still is) the best sounding guy name on earth.

Because I had created him, I knew everything about him. Except of course, how he looked like. That never seemed important anyway. I believed in his existence so strongly that he just had to exist. For my sake.


I could feel it. Sameer was always around, watching over me. Waiting to show himself.

Friends and cousins laughed at me, but I lived my entire teenage living that (silly?) dream that one day he would turn up at my doorstep and say, “Recognise me?”

And somehow, I would.


As time passed, and I crossed paths with more and more people, I realised that there was no one around who could be even close to what Sameer was to me. Perhaps in my immature mind, I had formed too strong a personality for him. To the point that I was never able to equate him to any of the ‘real’ guys I knew. So I learnt to laugh at myself and my crazy ideas. And finally I dismissed Sameer as someone who could not exist in real life.

I got over him.

(Is it strange to get over a guy you were never even together with?)


My life took its own turns. My ideas and thoughts about matters of the heart also changed. Some, quite drastically. But I am still not sure if I have completely shaken off my old thoughts. Once in a while, I do revisit that thought, I do think about him. But I have learnt not to get too much into it. The pure and absolute charm of the idea that I delighted in, one that was my own precious little secret with myself, has probably melted away to reveal the realities of life.

I used to think that I would meet my andekha anjana and we would live happily ever after. But I realise that's probably not a good thing to happen. Perhaps when the andekha and anjana is not andekha and anjana anymore, the charm of the whole thing just evaporates away, leaving behind harsh realities. That fear is very real. And obviously one can't spend a lifetime with just the idea of an andekha anjana. When practicality takes over, and logic rules, dreamy thoughts seldom last.

So maybe it is best to shrug off this idea for good.

But on the other hand, I am too much of a dreamer to be able to do that.
Maybe my andekha anjana is still out there, watching over me.

And if he is, I'd want him to always stay andekha and anjana.

I have formed my world, my life, without him.

I hope he does not turn up at my doorstep one fine day and confuse me with a “Recognise me?”



50 comments:

Jagan said...

Am confused . You don't want to meet your Mr.Right ?

virdi said...

Knock Knock!!! no u idiot this is not The - Smaeer I am your new neighbour.. can I have a cup of milk??
Sayesha, u know woh aayega.. and then u sing - SAAJAN JI GHAR AAYE SAAJAN JI GHAR AAYE.. woaaaahhh!!
aacha aacha no more leg pulling but its good to have Sameer of your life.. aacha hai but meri Aishwarya ka kya hoga??
:-(
V..

Sayesha said...

Jagan,
I have already met Mr. Right. At least I think I have. :)
Sameer was my dream guy. And dream guy does not have to be the same as Mr. Right.
I just don't want dream guy to turn up one fine day and disrupt everything I have put together.

ps: Yeah I know, it's difficult to understand. Trust me, it's much more difficult to explain. :)

Virdi,
Shut up shut up shut up!

virdi said...

kyun?? hey u said u have met Mr. Right... hai oye... stop blushing.. hehehe.. ;-)
see dont forget to call me in ur marriage.. i have to handover your hands to him... ;-)
V..

Sayesha said...

Oye Virdi you idiot!
You misspelt Sameer's name??!! I will never forgive you for this!

By the way, meri shaadi mein teri kya zaroorat hai? Mera dulha ghodi par aayega, gadhe par nahin!

patiala pataka said...

I going to stay out of this one, for two reasons...

Arz000n said...

Since the time I've stumbled on this blog...I;ve been reading about DDLJ in almost every alternate post...but still I dont feel like watching it :(
Dont konw why??
Sorry...dont punch me :D

I hope you get your SAMEER pretty soon...so that we get to read something different than DDLJ...n goosebumps...

Good luck to you lady!!

Greetz!!

Sayesha said...

PP,
Won't ask you what, but I'm sure they're good reasons.

Arz,
I'll continue to write what goes on in my mind. If you don't find it to your liking, too bad, ya? :)

//I hope you get your SAMEER pretty soon
Geez! Dude, the whole point of the post is that I should NOT find him!

priya said...

hey sayesha..this is kinda outta topic but i have frnd who's doing a course on "how to deal with special children (both mentally and physically impaired)" she wants sum gyan on wat kind of books to opt for to deal with their psychology.. thought i'd ask u coz u deal a lot with kids.. any ideas?

..p..

priya said...

i deleted the previous comment bcoz my super fast brain posted the same thing twice :)

..p..

Sayesha said...

Hi Priya,
I have never really read books on the subject, though I have worked with special kids before. So I don't really have any books to recommend as such. I guess your friend could check up the local library or read up some articles on the net. The Questia.com site should give you loads of info.

And yes, I know why you deleted the previous comment. You forget I get all the comments in my gmail. :P

virdi said...

ok ok bolo bolo... ek insaan jo President ban na chahta hai tujm log mil ke uska maza udao..
:-(
V..

Sayesha said...

Virdi baba,
Agar tu President ban gaya na toh diplomatic conversations will sound like this:

"What the duck... teri maa ki toh... sale aise bolta hai, meri pahunch bahut oopar tak hai, Laloo ko jaanta hoon main! Rabri ko bhi! You fat fool, what do you mean you won't sign this MOU?"

patiala pataka said...

Singapore mein President kya, election tak pahuchna bhi muskil hai...sorry toda serious hogaya

Sayesha said...

PP,
What are you doing man? Trying to get my blog banned and shut down?? Yeh sab apne blog par likh, mere blog ko bakhsh de, bhaiya!

:)

patiala pataka said...

galti se mistake ho gaya...

Tarun said...

first time here, yaani sameer 'hawa ka jhonka'...DDLJ is really a good movie....Good luck for your 'andekha anjana'. :)

Shuuro said...

You are too good to be true!

Shuuro said...

I mean consciously thinking about a perfect companion but at the same time having your feet firmly on the ground of reality. How can a person be so balanced, than being carried away?

Leon said...

You know what..

I feel most people have some sort of dream guy/gal. It bugs me when some people say "I don't dream" as if it's the worst thing in the world to do. Christ.. you'd think they had a button to switch their brain off. :D

As for your dream guy, put your fears to rest; he won't turn up. If you think even a little bit like I do then I'm sure he's too good/perfect to be true. He can't even exist.

Anonymous said...

u may want to check this out (its not my blog btw)http://koolsameer.blogspot.com/

ps: yaar mujhe to lagta hai tumko filmon mein ghusna chahiye....

spamtaneous said...

the above comment was made by spamtaneous

odd thing...where did the username field disappear?

Sayesha said...

PP,
Chal maaf kiya :)

Tarun,
Hi, welcome! :)
ps: And I DON'T need good luck for my andekha anjana! 'Cos I DON'T wanna meet him. :)

Shuuro,
Hum toh aise hi hain, kya karein? Take it or leave it. :)
And Sameer was actually not "perfect", he had his share of flaws, he was extremely protective and possessive, and would shut me out for days if he was upset. But he more than made up for everything :)

Leon,
Couldn't agree more about the dream thing. And he wasn't "too good/perfect to be true". Actually, he was "too real in my head to be real in real life". Gosh did I just confuse you or you know what I mean?

Spam,
Gosh! I'm not gonna check up on every living Sameer on the planet! Esp cos Sameer is a name I gave him! It may not even have been his real name, man! It most probably wasn't.

And yeah, I know... at times I'm guilty of becoming too filmi. Damn you, Bollywood! :(

mjey said...

Sayesha...tell me of one girl who did not grow up dreaming of a "Sameer" - we all did..and I tell you even after marriage - sometimes I do. Yeah and I know what you mean when you don't want him to show up...after you have got it all planned out.For your sake I hope he doesn't show up...cause that confuse state is something you don't want to be in. Believe me..I've been there!

Don't stop dreaming....

Drops Of Jupiter said...

I called my Mr.Right Eric Vermont...it was even more preposterous because he was French (for no reason) and he was my neighbour...and we were working singles who "found" each other. And he had black eyes and brown hair and all that jazz. I have to say life isn't all that bad because the idea of Mr.Right keeps evolving and it isn't always a compromise when you meet someone. Just like what you said. Sorry for stretching this a bit...but anyone indentify with this?

Anjaani rahon mein tu kya dhoondta phire?
Door jisko samjha wo to paas hai tere...

Sometimes that andekha anjaana is someone you've always known..but never "seen"

Maine tere blog ke andar hi blog bana diya..sorry.

Arz000n said...

I never said wht you write DDLJ is bad...its quite romantic...

Hmmmm...think me shuold seriously give a try out on that movie.Will rent it this weekend :)

Greetz!!

werz my dreamgal , pal ? said...

man , you got me all crying in the pillow and "looking-at-the-horizon-with-a-cup-of-coffee" types senti mood.i guess most of us have this fantasy guy/gal.i mean boys have a fantasy gal.girls have a fantasy guy.and boys have a fantasy boy if they are gay.well , i had this fantasy gal.ummm, sharmeeli se , naaazuk si , choti si bindi , cute si smile ( with dimples) , and a very very very very RICH DAD.

angelsera said...

pls forgive spellin mistakes

"mere zindhagi mein koi andhke anjanne ke liya jagha nahi hai...meri shaadi tair ho chuke hai"

angelsera said...

When Kajol delivers tt, I feel that she sounds like she is so angry.Angry with herself because she had atually dreamt of someone like tt,angry with her parents for forcing her to get married to some1,angry with Raj for bringing it up.Yet she doesnt want Raj to know tt she ever had such designs in her head, and as if its something tt she cant change in a matter-of-factly tone tt she has accepted it.

Leon said...

I think I know what you mean.. After all 'real' situations are more romantic than 'out of the world' ones. In fact the more realistic the dream the more fulfilling it is. "Too real to be real in real life".. well put.. Come to think of it.. that's what I was trying to say. :-).

Anyway, you still don't have to worry about him showing up at your door. :p

Sayesha said...

Mjey,
Wow, that was frank. Thank you for making me not feel like a freak. And you're right, I'll probably never stop dreaming. :)

DOJ,
Meeting someone great in real life is good. One is fortunate if it happens. And it's not a compromise. But maybe, just maybe there is a slight twinge of guilt, as if you gave up too fast, or as if you're kinda cheating on dream guy... aarghh but then the heart works in weird ways...

Arz,
Indeed you should watch it :)

Abhi,
Good luck, man :)

Angel,
You know, I remember another dialogue from DDLJ. Farida Jalal says to Kajol, "Sapne zaroor dekho. Bas unke poore hone ki ummeed mat rakho." Amazing stuff...

Sayesha said...

Leon,
Posted the last comment before I saw yours.

Yeah, he won't show up at my door. 'Cos he wouldn't wanna confuse me and hurt me.

Ravi said...

when i was a kid & i got something that i dreamed of, i would actually keep it near me all the time. i would actually go to sleep with that toy by my side. but soon the novelty of it got over & i started dreaming over something else totally.

but i think one should never stop dreaming. i always dream about driving a porsche someday...the question is what will happen if my dream comes true someday? what would i do then? to think about this is too scary....

virdi said...

sayesha congrats u found sameer... oh is he that sameer from Dil Chahata Hai???
>> Soochta hoon main bhi Switzerland ja ke ek madhoo makhiyon ka farm house knool loon...
>> Toh fir tumhe kya lagta hai, main roj is takiye pe baithta hoon??
>> Ya toh humari dosti bahut gehrihai ya fir yeh photo 3D hai...
>> and AAmir khan says to Sameer BE A MAN YAAR MARD BAN MARD...
Sayesha terawala Sameer mard toh hai na?? ya fir tu jis Sameer ki baat kar rahi hai he is not he but a she??
V..
PS: aaj jaroor pitunga main.. aaj mujhe koi nahi bach sakta...

assignus said...

Spam,
Gosh! I'm not gonna check up on every living Sameer on the planet! Esp cos Sameer is a name I gave him! It may not even have been his real name, man! It most probably wasn't.

Sayesha,
Gosh! Gosh!...i just gave u an url that might (stress on might)interest you. thats all i did :)

spamtaneous said...

yaar...yah public PC bhi pain hai... above messgae was by spamtaneous :)

sorry for being off topic... :-

Angelsera said...

oh gosh virdi u r on a roll...!
but ya aaj zaroor pitega tu..
all the best!

. : A : . said...

Sounds right out of the movies!

:-)

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Jagan said...

okie upperstood :-) .

Sayesha said...

Sayesha,
It's shart, not ummeed. "Sapne zaroor dekho. Bas unke poore hone ki shart mat rakho." Hehehe... Bus mein yaad aaya :P

Ravi,
Isn't it strange that first we dream of certain things and then get scared of those very dreams coming true?

Virdi,
(Am gonna completely ignore you today)

Assignus/spam,
That's a creepy reason to look up anyone's blog, ya! :)

Angel,
Bach gaya aaj.

.:a:.,
Yeah, it does! :O

Jagan,
Thanks :)

PuNeEt said...

Hey Sayesha…
Got Late :-)>

That’s really so sweet…
U reminds me of my friend who too had this concept of “Andekha Anjana” and she showed me her diary where she had written all the qualities she would like in that “Andekha”…. She too found too difficult to match it with actually guys…

Finally she got married… I’m not sure whether her “HUS” will match up to her “Andekha” chehra… but I feel the hidden love for “Andekha Anjana” would never die

This is such a sweet post… DDLJ is my all time Fav…

The “Andekha Anjana” concept was a big hit… I never had one… So many real beauties always surrounded me that “Andekhi Anjani” never got framed in my mind ;-) kidding

Cheers

AC said...

Sayesha,

It's such a coincidence to hear you talking about DDLJ today...i was just thinking about it myself today and saying that I had to buy the DVD.

I think that almost every gal (not sure about the guys)has a dream guy. I have one too...didn't detail him down as much as you did but he exists.

But you're right, i don't think that 'perfect guy' ever exists. But it's important to keep the dream away from reality. Otherwise you could become like me...expecting all those qualities in a guy who has some of them. And then getting bugged with him when he doesn't have some quality you imagined he had. It can screw up your relationship with a possible 'Mr. Right'. Do you think there is only one 'Mr. Right' for you or can there be more than one? I used to think there was only one, but I've changed my mind of late. There can be more than one but it will work out with only one.

Sayesha said...

Hey Puneet,
Welcome back :)

AC,
You're right, if you can keep both concepts apart, you'll do fine. Any overlapping will bring about expectations, and can screw up your relationship with Mr. Right. Unless he understands all this and does not get jealous of dream guy, or wonder why you're saying all this. Now.

And on the question of whether there is only one, I'd have to say that I believe that for each of us, there is a group of people who are closest to our hearts, and this group includes really great friends, soulmates and other amazing connections. And if you're lucky, the Mr. Right you end up with would be one of these and not random guy X. And the only reason why Mr. Right is a step ahead of all these people is because he gets to spend his life with you, which others can't. That's another reason why I'm a bit freaked out by the thought of marriage, and I think we should damn well think properly about whom we want to spend our lives with, and WHY, before we say 'I do'.

Anil said...

Sayesha,
In your blog settings you will find 'enable word verification' under the comments section.. that will keep those automatic comment spammers away...

Sayesha said...

Thanks for the tip, Anil! I had to go thru it to comment on your blog man! I dun wanna enable it on mine yet... jus' that I don't wanna make readers go thru so many pains of verification before commenting... sometimes something strikes you and you jus wanna comment then and there without having to go thru high-level security which can put you off... but if these anonymous buggers continue to try and sell me ceiling fans and suicide packages, I'll have to enable that function I suppose.

Anonymous said...

I m on the same lines as u were i guess, exactly same feelings... n it's been for so long... hehe it sounds crazy sometimes but tht's how it is. it's tru u cannot find same qualities in a person u dream of par kabhi na kabhi to koi hoga na not with every little tiny thing... lol

somehting for tht anjana...

ek chehra jo dil main bas gaya hai,
ek chehra jo dil main bas gaya hai,
usse hataun kaise,
tu andekha anjana hai,
par tujhse door main jaun kaise...

Thanks GauriHiten

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Bhavya said...

This is from a song from Walt Disney's Sleeping Beauty:

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream
And if I know you
I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once
Upon a dream


I have lived all my adolescent years with this hope in my heart...

And I still have this hope...