Don't think about me. It hurts.

My friends and I started this argument at a restaurant last weekend and we still haven't figured out what the correct answer is.

When someone close to you is thinking about you, you ______.
(A) sneeze
(B) cough
(C) get hiccups
(D) all of the above

Personally, I believe that the answer is secret option (E) know who it is and promptly call the person and freak him/her out, but then don't believe me -- I believe in a lot of weird things.

The point of this post is - don't.

Don't think of me. For another week at least.

Why?

Well, let's just say... If you're a fully-disciplined-gym-goer who has just come back from a fully-sponsored-by-loved-ones holiday in the US during which you were fully-pampered-by-loved-ones and you fully-refrained-from-any-form-of-exercise (except for the 10-hour walk in NYC), it's a bad bad bad idea to hit the gym when you get back, and do 200 crunches - twice your usual - in one go.

I had no problems while I was doing the 200 crunches, but when I woke up the next morning... Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

My abs hurt when I _______.
(A) sneeze
(B) cough
(C) get hiccups
(D) all of the above

The correct answer?

Secret option (E) all of the above plus 'laugh'.

:(

Winners (and paranoid Sayesha) never quit!

So rumour has it that my company's CEO has tendered his resignation.

That's it man. So I have seen it all now. Resignations ranging from the toilet cleaner to my boss to my boss' bosses to the CEO now.

And I'm still there.

And I'm reminded of the fact every time any of my ex-colleagues who freelance for me, come to the office. For they take time to visit my cubicle and go, "Sayesha, you're still here?!"

And I sheepishly smile and say, "Yupp.. still here..."

Statistics show that I am close to fulfilling twice the shelf-life of an editor in my department - kids' books. But to the surprise of everyone, and especially the payroll department, I am very close to celebrating my fourth anniversary in the company.

So why why why? Why am I still where I am?

Unveiled for the first time in history, the top ten real reasons why I'm not quitting:

1. What if I quit my job and join a new company, and they give me like... a PC??

2. Worse, what if the PC is old and its screen flickers just like every damn screen of every damn PC shown in every damn hindi movie does??

3. What if my chair is an uncomfortable one??

4. Worse, what if it's one of those un-adjustable low chairs that you make you look at your computer at the same angle that you look at a giraffe's face from??

5. What if they refuse to issue me business cards??

6. Worse, what if the business cards they give me have a typo in my name and they refuse to reprint the cards till I have exhausted all 3000 that they give me in the first round??

7. What if they don't have red Pilot pens??

8. What if the toilets are small and dirty?

9. What if they give me a really stupid sounding email address, just like what I have in my uni, where they chopped off half my name and added the number 0007 (yes, it is indeed triple o seven) to it, making me sound more C-grade agent than secret agent??

10. And the most horrifying one is this - what if they block access to blogspot??????

:O

Are you a hot sexy guys wanting to do frand ships with honest and lovely person?

So Rohit asked me why my Orkut profile is so blank. It just has my name, my blog URL and country. Orkut wouldn't allow me to go surname-less, so I added a random S after Sayesha. Just as well, because my dear friend Lalit likes to refer to me as Sakshaat Sayesha, prefixed by a "Haila!"

Anyway, so Rohit's question brought me back to why I deleted my first Orkut profile in the first place.

I used to have an Orkut account loooong ago, but I deleted it because I was traumatised by messages that went somewhat like "I am wanting to do friendship with you. If you're also wanting to do friendship with me, email me at really_sexy_guy_I_swear_believe_me@blah_mail.com."

The messages were so wanting (if I may borrow that dude's favourite phrase) in sense that I realising that all I was "wanting to do" was delete my Orkut account. And I did.

But recently, I was forced to change my mind.

All because of that little feeling we get in the pit of our stomachs called 'jealousy'.

Jealousy in the blogworld is of three types.

1. The jealousy that arises when you see someone you don't really like commenting on the blog of one of your blog friends ("Hmmm... pandrah taarekh ko raat ke do baje woh tere blog par kya kar raha/rahi thi?")

2. The jealousy that arises when you see one of your blog friends commenting on the blog of someone you don't really like ("Hey bhagwan... ab tu uske blog par subah ke chaar baje kya kar raha/rahi tha/thi??")

3. The jealousy that arises when you see your blog friends getting close to one another without you, simply because you don't have a key to the playground where they hang out. ("Haan?? Tum sab online they?? Ek saath??")

So it was the jealousy of the third kind that made me get a new Orkut account for myself. It appeared to me that my blog friends were having way too much fun without me on Orkut, playing a particularly silly game called scrap-scrap.

And darn, I was missing out.

Secondly, I thought things would have changed now. I thought that guys of our generation are not so dumb anymore to think that girls would actually fall for the stupid lines, taken straight from the days of IM's infancy when "Hi, wanna chat?" was the supposedly the 'in thing' to say to random strangers. I thought guys would have matured over the years and come up with better lines.

But nope, I was wrong. Nothing has changed. The girls have moved on, but the net is still full of guys who are 'really hot sexy guys wanting to do frand ships with honest and lovely person'.

So I decided to compile a list of such messages that are still floating around on the net. The bad english, the typos, the 'Hai'! It's all still there.

Contributions from The girl who sold the world, Rays of sun, Smiling girl, Lalit (Nope, it's not his line. Thankfully.) and Sakshaat Sayesha herself. (And oh, many of these came from the common IFF accounts created coupla days ago.)

1. hi.. I guess I am just around those days where I dont have too many productive things to do. Anyways.. while browsing through orkut ummmm I ran into your profile...found things which I cud relate to .. if you get around to it, I would love to hear from you. Anyways, do give me a hollar and apologies if I freaked you out... cheer's
[Hollar? You want a hollar? How about I give you a dollar and you go buy yourself a pocket book on the English language?]

2. so wot r u doin dese dayz??? seemz like v'll get along well. ur prfile seemz vry intrsting.
[Oh yeah, and you got that from my profile, eh?]

3. Was just going thru your profile and found it interesting. We can get to know more, if u dont mind. Thx.
[Errr... I do mind, actually.]

4. hi iam in ______ now! nice to seee u. i would like 2 make a frnd ship. thnx
[And what do you want me to do - buy you wood and metal for your ship?]

5. iam a sensible person and a good wid heart and non voilent
[Honestly, non-voilent? So you won't beat me?? You mean angels like you exist?? I can't believe my good luck! ]

6. hi i am ____. i am looking for sex. if u r interested call me.
[Must applaud your frankness man!]

7. hai ...this ia ____...i am really interested in u...i am from ____...
["Hai"???]

8. Hi There!..are you cool, easy-going (like me!), fun & open-minded.Wow!.It's really nice to m.
[Mind completing your sentence so I see what twisted idea you have in mind?]

9. i want do frienship with u and shering u r feeling pls give u r id and contact no
my id is ______ if intrested call to me no is ______
[You wanna share me?? With whom? I am feelings? Huh, dude I'm losing you!]

10. i am sexy and free and lovely and romantic call me
[Wow, you are a dream, aren't you?]

11. I am a bit shyful person initially but after knowing each other Iam absolutely friendly. Iam very helpful and honest person.... understanding, urbane, unshakable. Iam looking for a friend who is very caring and understands my views and is honest and lovely person. I look forward for ur fine friendship.
[Shyful, are you? And unshakable at that? You may want my fine friendship, I don't want your coarse friendship.]

12. I am humble, caring person. Ome who is young at heart love to make friends and gives very much importance to life and career devlpoment. I like movies and read journals and magzines,etc.
[Young only at heart, eh?]

13. I am cool guy wants instant friendship with everyone.
[Wow, you just made me hungry... now where's that packet of instant noodles I bought yesterday?]

14. Hai,Hello,would u like to chat with me then repley to this id ok then bye take care of ur self,have a nice day
[Another "Hai"? Nope, I don't want to repley.]

15. waiting for some one made for me, ahha in this world
im sweet here herherehehrehr hahaha
[All right, what did you smoke exactly?]

16. reply for good relation
handsomeguy
[Handsomeguy?? Wow, how exciting.]

17. Wish to meet you... Interested for a fun. To enjoi.
[For a fun, huh?]

18. Searching for an Intimate Friend!!!!!!!!!!
Hi...
I'm XYZ....
I'm intrested in ur friendship....
If u r intrested in friendship...mail me back...
Regards
XYZ
XYZ
[Got your name, dude, you don't have to say it thrice!]

19. Mature and decent guy
Hi there, like to do friendship with me, I am ____/27/M staying alone and the spicy is that I am unmarried, I think you will like the flovour. If you like then give one tinkle to me or mssg me. For tinkle, _________
Buye
[Oooh, that's the spicy, is it? I'm sure I won't like the flovour. Thanks. And you read Tinkle at 27???]

20. please trust me ....ur...privacy is maintained....want to have the steam of love just lookin
[Steam of love eh?]

21. i am cute ...u love to have ...
hear u soon ...bai.
[Hey, who're you calling bai????]

22. Hi how r u ? how is life? contact me if u like to have fun, feelings and friendship. I love to have fun and make friendship. Life is short make it sweet.
[Oh, so I can only have feelings after I contact you, eh?]

23. hello this is _____ and i m looking for fun becasue life istoo short to enjoy
if u want to meet me then u can mail me i m a hot and sweet handsome guy
[Hot and sweet and handsome??? Awwwww....]

24. Hi, This is _____. Your profile has attracted my attention. I am M 35 looking for nice and sincere friendship. Would you like to try out to be friends with me. Do drop in a line.
Best Regards
[Dude, my profile has nothing! Nothing! How can it attract your attention??]

25. Looking for women to have sexy fun
Hi, a 35Year old Business Men from _____. I am good looking , smart , educated and can understand the felling of someone. I keep on travelling to Delhi,Mumbai,Banglore,Chennai,Vijaywada,Vishakapatmam,Hubli,Belgaum regularly.
[So Business Men, are you like one guy or a bunch of them?]

26. Come!!! Enjoy Life to the Fullest..... I'm open-minded,straight,fun-loving guy looking for ur friendship....
[Straight, are ya?]

27. HI AM royalboy. hi i am looking for a good friends out here......jokers pls stay away... call me at his number sio taht i can know what you mean by your oprofile and what you want as well
[Jokers pls stay away? How do you manage to stay away from yourself, dude? And oh, I don't mean anything by my profile. It's just blank.]

28. Hello All, I want some good friend. I am working MNC software company as Manager.If you are interested send mail to ______.But I want some true and good friend.I am working in software company.I want some good friend.i am free and frank who likes fun loving and decent ,and wanna enjoy life without restrictions and needs a good friend who likes me .
[Like Smiling Gal says, don't you have any true and good friend in your MNC?]

29. u seems to be interesting soulmate. Like to be yr firend, pls join me.
[An interesting soulmate, eh? Nope, dun wanna be your firend.]

30. Hi,looking for female friends Seen your profile on the net, send me a mail at _____. I will send more detial, I am from ____ on vacation.
[Not interested in your detials, enjoy your vacation!]

31. hai friend how ru ? what is ur name ? what u do? i am here to find some friend r u intersted mail me ok byee take care
[Yet another "Hai"!]

32. I am simple guy hi friend, how r u iam a software programmer working in sydney, i am very much intrested in meeting fora good fun night, want have to good friend
[So you want a good fun night or you want a good friend?]

33. u want to enjoy the real hot life then u can call me
[Oh wow, real hot life!]

34. Looking for intimate friendship This is _____, 39, good looking engineer & MBA into my own business but I believe distance hardly matters in friendship and can be reached anytime . I am an extrovert, straight, simple, jovial, understanding, well-mannered, caring, fun-loving and passionate person. I would like to have friendship with you.
[Distance can be reached anytime?? Whoa you beat Einstein hands down!]

35. A very straight forward and frank guy with a bit of sense of humour as an ingrients for fun and enjoyment in life..... A person belives in simplicity but that simplicity becomes a style of destiny.........
[A bit sense of humour only? Simplicity becomes a style of destiny???? I lost you there!]

36. Ideally looking for a gal or guy who can share joy & emotion with me.... and togher enjoy some time with fun & pleasure ... this is specifically for the guys or gals who r near to ____.
[Share emotion with you?? How???]

37. hi nice to c u here am an artiste and script writer am funloving caring person am not married not intrested,if ur int in me pls respond
[If you're not interested, why are you here????]

38. You have the beauty that myths are about.
[Jeez.]

39. Hi..beautiful..want to make friendship:D
[You gotta make it on your own then.]

40. I think you are the one I am looking for..Please call me _______!
[Oh, looking for me, are ya?]

41. Heylo madam.. i waant to frandshib you.
[Heylo yourself. No fraandshib.]

Gals, feel free to contribute stuff you've received. :D

Guys, read and learn. What NOT to say. :D

Ever wondered why we never hear of girls sending messages like this to guys?
So if someone has an example of an exception - a girl using a moronic line on a guy, please please please share it with us.

I think we'd all wanna read it! :D

Mis(s)Fit

Whenever I interview someone for my team, I try to see if they would fit in. I love my team. I love being a part of it. We're one of the most cohesive teams in my company *touchwood*. We work together and play the fool together with amazing co-ordination. And somehow, the five of us are very much like one another. So if I feel that a certain candidate will not fit in, even if they have the credentials and experience, I am reluctant to hire them.

So last week I was interviewing this girl. She had excellent credentials, and six years of relevant experience.

"So what made you apply for this job?" I asked.

"Well, one of my very good friends used to work here, and she told me about the work here..."

"Really? What's her name? And what did she tell you about the work?" I asked.

Blank look from interviewee.

Blank look back from interviewer.

"Her name...?" I asked.

"Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot her name. I forgot my own friend's name!" She laughed nervously.

That took me back ten years in time. I had not taken my bicycle that day and so Dad was there to pick me up after school. I was introducing my friends to him, who were standing in a semi-circle around us.

"Dad, this is Raj, and this is Anu, this is Shreya, this is Amit, this is Rajesh, this is Sunny, this is Ritu, and this is..." As I neared completion of the semi-circle, I realised that the name of the last girl had completely escaped my memory. It was unbelievable because she was a very good friend of mine.

So I did the best thing I could think of.

"COUGH-COUGH-COUGH-GASP-CHOKE-COUGH-COUGH!!!"

Someone opened my water bottle and handed it to me, as Dad stood there shocked at my sudden and explosive coughing bout. By the time my coughing had "subsided", my friends had exchanged goodbyes with Dad.

The moment I sat in the car, I exclaimed. "Dad, Pallavi! Pallavi!"

"Huh?" said Dad.

"The last girl! She was Pallavi. Pallavi!!"

"Err... okay..." Dad looked at me with a mixture of confusion and concern.

Flashback over.

So the girl in the interview room continued to look at me blankly for a few more seconds. Then she said, "Uhh... Do you mind if I check my phone?"

"No, problem. Please go ahead."

She looked at her phone, and then proceeded to give me the name of her friend and what her friend had told her about the nature of the work in my company.

Then she looked at me and nervously smiled.

I assessed her in my head.

To forget the name of one of her closest friends' name in the middle of a serious interview where every move of hers was being judged and recorded? To have to look at her phone before she could answer interview questions?

Gosh, this girl was crazy. CRAZY!

"Yup, she'd fit right in." I thought, as I wrote my recommendation.

Just another day at work?

"Sayesha!! Are you really walking barefoot in the office?" asked my colleague.

"Yes, yes I am indeed."

"Oh my God! I didn't notice! You've been like this all day?" another colleague gasped.

"All day."

Okay, here's the story. I wore new shoes to office and during the walk from my place to the train station and then from the bus stop to my office, they had nibbled away thirteen percent of my feet.

And that's why I was walking around barefoot in the office, trying to heal the shoebites, so that I could wear the shoes to go to the toilet and finally to go home. So yes, I was walking all over my office, to the printer, to the photo-copier, to my designers' cubicles, everywhere, in my bare feet. Honestly, the shoes hurt so bad that even if I had a meeting with the CEO, I'd have gone for it in my bare feet. And I wasn't even wearing trousers that would half-hide my feet, I had chosen that day of all to wear a really short skirt.

So yes, I looked funny. And no, I didn't care. It was an ensemble and I pulled it off with confidence. Or at least that's what I would like to believe.

But the conversation with my colleagues gave me an idea for a new post. Whoever reads this is tagged. Muahahaha! :D

Weird and unconventional things I have done at the workplace:

1. Yawned in a colleague's face.
I had a headache and I took two panadols. Okay, here's a lesson - never EVER take two panadols. Not even if the doc has told you, "What?? You mean you always take ONE panadol?? Sayesha, one panadol is child dosage. You should take the adult dosage - TWO panadols!" Maybe I am not just a child at heart. Maybe my body is not ready for adult stuff yet. Sheesh, the damn 'adult dosage' made me SO sleepy I walked around like a zombie in the office that entire day. The moment I reached home, I crashed. 7:30 pm to 6 am. And oh, this was the night my blog got 168 comments while I was happily kumbhu-ing away. The next morning I saw an email from ROS asking me where I was 'cos there was a hungama happening on my blog.

2. Strangled a colleague, and drew a speech bubble with the words 'Don't go!!!' on a piece of paper and held it above my head.
He was my one of my favourite colleagues and he was leaving the company, I was merely trying all means to stop him from going.

3. Used the men's toilet.
Full story here.

4. Sat on my chair with my legs crossed in a yoga posture while my boss was at my cubicle talking to me.
It was freaking cold, okay?

5. Did rangoli.
Nope, I wasn't decorating my office for Diwali. I was just making the rangoli for a photo-shoot.

6. Wore shorts.
Our office arranged an instructor to come down and conduct aerobics classes after work.

7. Combed a colleague's hair.
One of my colleagues was doubling up as a model for a photoshoot for one of our books. I spent half an hour making a top-knot for her.

8. Spent half the day exchanging nonsensical emails with my team, that had absolutely nothing to do about work.
Sometimes you just don't wanna work. Especially on the last Friday of the month.

9. Worked all day wearing a Santa cap.
It was Christmas eve for heaven's sake. A bunch of us got Santa caps and wore them. Many took them off by lunchtime but I kept mine on till the end of the day. One of my designers said to me, "Now that's my kind of Santa!" ;)

10. Joined some thirty-five people in executing a "pink day" at work.
It was the last day of a colleague who likes pink a lot. So a big bunch of us decided to wear pink (yes, even the guys!) for her farewell party!

11. Sat on the floor.
We were packing old manuscripts in boxes to be sent away to our company's warehouse, to make space in the office storeroom.

12. Dozed off for a split second during an incredibly boring meeting. (Okay fine, this one is not so unconventional!)
The only things that kept me awake were my colleague's doodles, which mostly consisted of the word 'HELP!!!!' in big and bold.

13. Did henna on colleagues' hands.
It was Friday Faze Diwali edition!

14. Dried my clothes (while I was still in them) under the hand dryer in the toilet.
I got caught in the rain without an umbrella, and the air-conditioner in my office was freeze-drying me.

15. Played hindi music at full blast.
It was a sunday and I was the only one in the office. I was doing my university assignment and I needed my designer's computer and indesign software to do it. And yes, I got permission first. Sheesh.

16. Went to my publisher's room and said, "J, I wanna quit."
I was depressed about a whole bunch of colleagues resigning and I needed the pep talk from the woman I have admired the most in my entire working life so far.

17. Sent an sms to a colleague asking him to call the meeting room I was stuck in, and ask for me.
I needed an excuse to escape! I was going to literally die of boredom in that meeting. Even exchanging nonsensical emails with my team seemed more productive.

What's the weirdest thing you have done at your workplace?

Kuch meetha ho jaaye?

Dear Namkeen,

I received your email with your apology. Frankly speaking, I had not expected an apology from you, and would have been happy just by having my posts removed from your blog. But the apology came as a pleasant surprise and I accept it with thanks.

However, I am not fully convinced that you pasted my posts from your friend's email and not from my site. Does it then mean that you thought they were your friend's experiences and that you stole your friend's identity? If you honestly thought that the posts came from your friend, it does not make you less guilty. So instead of wronging me, you wronged your friend, you stole her identity. Because you surely were trying to pass off the incidents as yours.

Look at this comment you wrote on the 'Art on sand' post of yours (mine) about the artist I had met and photographed at the Puri beach last year:

"But i was really amazed that he was not frustrated at all. Actually this picture was taken the last day i was there in Bombay i was to leave the next day and that's why that evening i decided to stay back and speak to him.I really wanted to know why he was doing it. And what he was getting out of it. But sad part is he did not speak English or hindi. He spoke a different kind of hindi which i could very hardly understand. So i only understood that he had a family of 4 kids and he had lost his job. He said it was very hard to find a new one and he had been jobless for a month now. Behen mara bacha bhuka pada hai. Khana lana paisa nahi. Ghar jaye to bacha khana mangta. And that's why he would spend most of his evenings at the beach to ease of his frustration. I till you Krsh i felt like hell. And so i gave him some money. He refused to take it initially but i left it there and left.That night i could not even eat i kept on thinking of his family. Today i gave him some money but will that money be enough for him to survive until he finds a job? i told my sister. My sister said there are lots of people like him here in India it's just a pity that the government does not have any system unemployment pensions."

Things like this were too much - You took my posts and my pictures and came up with your fictional stories. And all the little editing jobs you did to your posts... you thought it was enough?? Changing 'Singapore' to 'USA', 'Tapori Sayesha' to 'Tapori Amit' and 'Puri beach' to 'Mumbai beach'? You made me angry, very very angry. So angry that for the first time I realised how much anger I was capable of.

Secondly, you not only violated materials copyrighted to me, but also to my blog commentators. Remember the post about 'Things that will make you laugh'? You even added the comments by Abhinav, Harshi, Aethyr and Macho Girl to make your post. So are you saying that your friend not only copy-pasted my posts in her mail to you, but also the comments?

However, by sending that apology email, you have shown courage and integrity and I respect that. So if what you say is true and your friend was the one who sent my posts (along with the comments AND pictures apparently) to you, maybe you could give your friend a mini-tutorial on how to forward blog posts: If you like someone's blog post, you DO NOT copy-paste the content in a mail and forward it to your friends without naming the source. Instead, you click on the title of the post, copy THE LINK and then send it to your friends.

Some people told me that they pitied you and felt that you were depressed and miserable and having this fake identity and appreciation from people was making you happy. But I don't agree. No matter how manic-depressive or suicidal you are, nothing gives you the right to flick someone else's hard work and life and pass it off as your own just to make yourself feel better. If you have low self-esteem, you've got to fight it yourself.

You renamed one of my posts to 'Mom & Dad, I love you'. Well, if you really loved your Mom and Dad, you would accept them as who they are and not over-write their identities with someone else's Mom and Dad's.

There were also people who thought I should "chill and forget/ignore this". I noticed that they are mostly non-bloggers. Like the anonymous reader on my blog who said the war had no good reason cos my stuff is bakwaas anyway. Yes darling, it is bakwaas, but it is MY bakwaas, and I will defend it. If you have a baby that's not as cute as someone else's, would you not get angry if someone claims it's their baby?? Would you say that it's not a cute baby anyway, so it's okay if someone claims it as theirs?

You will only know how this feels like, when it actually happens to you. Or to someone you're close to. It's easy to take the Anonymous approach and say that this is no big deal. Like the high-horse-guy who thought that slamming my friends in the comments space would take the attention off the real issue here. Dude, I have something to say to you. Everybody has a high horse. Even if you are a complete ass, you have a high horse. I dunno where you got your horse from, but at the place where my friends and I got our horses - plagiarism and identity theft are WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Namkeen, I'm not the one to hold grudges. For me, if a matter is resolved, it is resolved, and there should be no hard feelings remaining. I promise not to have a grudge against you anymore, but I will be honest here and tell you that even though I have forgiven you for the plagiarism, I am just finding it a bit hard to forgive you for making me take down one of my favourite posts - that on baby Aish's expressions. And nope, I will not post it back. But I do hope that this negativity leaves me soon.

I know that your IFF profile got deleted before you could delete the remaining five copied posts. I had contacted your administrators and perhaps they did their duty. I am not sure if the other posts were deleted by you or the IFF administrators. But it doesn't matter now. Maybe it's time to make a new beginning somewhere else with another nick (in case the new slang my friends came up with 'namkeen (v): to copy-paste without permission' kicks off). If you really wanna express yourself, you're welcome to register at blogger.com and join us, the bunch of crazy and happy people who stand by each other and by what we feel is right.

Thanks again for writing in. It has certainly made me feel much better about you. And oh, I will not reproduce your apology email here. Because you own the copyright to it.

Cheers!
Sayesha

Footnote:

I learnt a few lessons from this episode:

1. When you're in trouble, even strangers will extend their help. Jonathan Bailey, the owner of plagiarismtoday.com emailed me with details on how to lodge a formal complaint against such online plagiaristic acts. This dude is amazing. He has been a victim of plagiarism over 400 times in the past four years and has fought them all.

2. It's a good idea to google yourself once in a while.

3. MACs (Mean/Malicious Anonymous Commentators) are not the worst thing that can happen to your blog.

4. But the biggest lesson I learnt from this episode is that when you're in distress, you can never get through it by yourself the way you can get through it if your friends are by your side.

Okay everybody, show's over. Let's put this behind us. So no, I’m not going back to reply to the 163 comments on the last post. :P

Now bring on today's special - the jalebis and kaju ki barfis, cos the bar is back to its (ab)normal self! :)

Kuch Namkeen ho jaaye?

Hi guys,

Here's an update on the blog that stole my posts. World Girl and Sahil got around the system without having to pay, and managed to post comments on Namkeen's blog. Read it here.

I have created a general login which I am going to share here, so that if you have something to say to Namkeen, you can say it without having to register.

Go to this link and login with the following info:
Handle: PQRS2
Password: 9A68K


(Another login courtesy Smiling Gal)
Handle: AgainstNamkeen
Password: LQE34



After logging in, click on blogs (top right), do a search for Namkeen under 'Handle', click on any of the plagiarised posts and voila, you can comment!

I have already posted comments on every single one of my posts that she stole. But as Sahil says, apparently she's on leave (he got the info from some friend of Namkeen's who happened to be online) so I dunno when she will respond.

But this war is not over, missy.

I see red, people!

I happened to google 'Sayesha' and came across the most outrageous thing I have ever encountered in blogworld.

Check this blog out.

This person nicknamed 'Namkeen' coolly copy-pastes my posts on her blog and passes them off as hers with amazing audacity, changing a name here and a place there. And her bunch of readers applaud her on her "original ideas". Hell, she even shamelessly thanks her commentators. She doesn't even spare my posts on specific incidents involving MY Dad and Mom and friends and intricate details of my dream home, and even memorabilia from my childhood, including a painting I made when I was in school! Honestly, how can anyone flick posts about someone's parents??? Atrocious! She also flicked photos that I took and weaved stories around them!

Gosh, I don't think I have ever been so angry!

(I removed my posts with baby Aish's photos from my blog because I don't want her claiming that baby Aish is her niece just like she claims my parents are hers.)

I can't even confront her on her shameless plagiarism because she's not on a blog site. She's on a site called IndiaFriendFinder.com which does not let you comment unless you pay up and register.

I hope that when Namkeen pops by my blog again to steal her 'pick of the night', she reads this post and realises how pathetic her disgraceful actions make her.

Namkeen, if you have an iota of self-respect, you will remove my posts from your blog and refrain from doing this in the future.

Wild wild weird

The Kenyan Girl Next Door and Aarti had tagged me to write some weird facts about myself. Finally I got down to doing it! :P

• I get high on orange juice.
• If I have to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, I can come back and continue my dream from where I left it.
• I have to close my ears immediately after pressing the flush lever in an airplane toilet. I absolutely loathe the high-pressure vacuum sucking sound of the airplane flush. I simply cannot take it. So after pressing the flush lever, I quickly close my ears before the flush operates.
• I don't like ice-cream. My sis and mom think that it's because I am figure-conscious. I prefer to call it 'natural defence against fat'.
• When I was six, I wanted to grow up and become a typist. (Come to think of it, my dream did come true. On some levels, we all are typists, aren't we?)
• I have a morbid fear of some insect entering my ears when I'm sleeping. So I cover my ears when I sleep. Either with my own hair or with my comforter, but they MUST be covered.
• When I was about eight, my cousin bro was a few months old, and my aunt would ask me to help prepare his Cerelac (mushy baby food), I'd make a bit for myself too! I believe that even now, I would prefer a bowl of Cerelac over a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast. :P ~ ~
• I like the diet versions of drinks.
• When I am on holiday, I actually miss my work once in a while.
• I don't like Julia Roberts. Or Angelina Jolie. Or Amitabh Bachchan. (I think I’m gonna get lynched now.)
• I must stand up even if the national anthem is playing in my head.
• My favourite subject in school was Sanskrit.
• I don't like chewing gum. After all the sugar's gone, it becomes YUCK. So YUCK. YUCK.
• I am generally not superstitious but selectively superstitious. I can suddenly get superstitious about some random stuff without warning. For example, I don’t let anyone walk/jump over my feet. I actually ask them to cross back. Because if they don't cross back, I will die you see.
• I have an unlimited capacity for pani puris. I once ate 50 pani puris at one go. And nope, I did not get a stomach upset. My cousin Sid still shakes his head at me when he relates it to surprised relatives/friends.
• Sometimes I wonder if I should give a trusted friend my blogger password so that if something happens to me suddenly, my blog friends wouldn't wonder where the hell I am.

The training of Tiny Tapori

This is Baby Aish's first post on my blog. Baby Talk has been translated by yours truly. :)

Aish says...















I needed a lot of hand... errr... finger-holding before I could master all the taporigiri and bhaigiri that Masi taught me.
















Size par mat ja... when at work, I'm almost as good as Masi...
















I even have gloves my size to wear to work... these CSI people are getting smarter by the day... but not as smart as Masi and me...
















In fact, the sidekicks don't come to me with small stuff anymore... yawn... Masi can handle all that by herself...
















What?? Pakiya got arrested??? Masi, HALP!
















Oh no... what do we do now? I'm clueless...
















Ask him to trick the police and escape - say 'I've to pee' or something...?
















So you're here, Pakiya! Masi's super pissed that you turned out to be such an idiot. Now fall at my feet and I may just get her to forgive you!
















Here... see it now?
















Theek hai theek hai... makhan mat maar abhi... chal hatt! Masi bakshh degi tujhko... apun baat karegi na...
















Masi says I should never show anyone the finger... it's supposed to be rude or something... so I get around the system by showing all my fingers! Ha!
















Speaking of rude gestures... this one's for you, Virdi Mamu! Thhrrbrrrtt!! :P





















Masi also said that not all Mamus are complete dhakkans... there's Chirag Mamu who sent me these pretty flowers when I was ill... even though he only knows Masi through her blog...
















Masi says it's very important to stay crazy... otherwise we'd all go crazy... wonder what she means... I think she is crazy...
















And don't forget to smile... someone somewhere is in love with your smile...
















Sometimes, it's good to be angelic towards others...




















But don't trust everyone you meet... it's okay to look at some people with suspicion... especially if you're getting negative vibes from them...
















And never let anyone walk all over you. It's important to get angry when the line is crossed...
















If you have something to say, say it!
















...athough sometimes, a silent gesture can convey your intentions better than an angry punch in the face...
















And it's okay to be scared... even if it's something silly we're scared of... we're only human... and it's okay to be human...




















Sometimes, we'll get hurt...
















But then a new day happens to us...
















... and it brings us new surprises and new joys...
















Masi said I should always be myself. Hey, what's that?? I dun need no girly hat! Where's my bandana? And my shades?
















But Masi also says that it's nice for us to be all girly and pretty at times...
















As long as we remember that...
















...what really matters is what you have up here.

Who's next to you?

When I was a kid, they used to show an ad on TV, where this beautiful girl enters the aircraft and a guy sitting in his seat thinks, "Kya meri kismat jagegi?" and then the girl walks over to him and says, "Excuse me, shaayad aap meri seat par hain." ("Excuse me, I think you're on my seat.") It probably meant that the girl did indeed sit next to the guy, but I used to laugh my guts out thinking that the guy was in the right seat but the wrong flight.

Back then, I laughed at the ad, not realising how crucial it is to have the right kind of person sitting next to you, especially on long flights. There are the hot babes, the hot guys, the screaming kids, the rude aunties, the drunk middle-aged men, the old guys, and many many more. Usually, when I am seeing someone off or am taking a flight, I try to guess who's gonna be sitting next to the passenger in question. Once I freaked a friend out by correctly predicting his co-passenger two flights in a row. The next time he asked me, "So who's gonna be sitting next to me this time? Who do you see?" I had no answer. I felt this blankness. Fact is - I did not see anything. So I told him I could not tell him this time. Turns out - the seat next to him was empty. Freaky, huh?

So I was telling my sis all this, and then asked her to guess what I was gonna get during my flight back to Singapore.

"Handsome young guy on one side, really old guy on the other."

"Oooh! As long as I have the handsome guy..." I said happily.

We reached the airport and the adorable lady at the SQ check-in counter - I think she was Russian - asked me, "How many passengers?"

"One." I replied.

"You?"

"Yeah, me."

"Just you?"

"Yeah, just me."

"Oh dear! How old are you?"

"Errr... 26?"

"Really?? I thought you were too young to travel alone. I thought you're 17 or something."

I decided to do my victory dance in my head - after all I was a composed and mature 26-year-old.

(I also thought in my head - in Singlish no less - "Too young to travel alone? Got such a thing meh?")

Anyway, I turned my attention back to the sweet lady who was now frowning at her computer screen.

"Darling, why do you have such a bad seat?" She asked.

I was sandwiched in the middle in the middle column of seats. Worst place to be in, if you're gonna take a long flight, and if you're gonna be drinking lotsa orange juice to keep your skin alive in the dry environment of the flight.

"Well, that's the only seat that was available..." I replied.

"Hmmm... let me see... I think I have a cancellation...."

She got me a window - in a two-seat row. Yippee!

Just then, my sis called on my bro-in-law's mobile. (She could not come to the airport cos baby Aish is not allowed to go out of the house yet.)

"Hey, all set to go?"

"Yeah... hey, sis, listen..."

"Yup..."

"Change of plans... I'm only gonna have one person sitting next to me. So which one of the two will it be?"

"Hmm... the handsome young guy."

"Cool. Awesome. Call you when I reach Singapore. Bye!"

"Bye!"

I hung up, looking forward to handsome young guy's company over the next 21 hours, and boarded the flight.

All right man, I have a bone to pick with my sister.

I dunno what Oliver did this summer

"Publicist. The word is 'publicist'."
I looked at my nails and coyly told my mother and sister.

They had just referred to me as 'paparazzi' pursuing baby Aish. Just because I happen to take 50 pictures of her a day. Hmmmph!

Mom and Sis shook their heads at me and my nails and went back to doing their respective chores.

As her paparaz... err... I mean publicist, I have to do a lot of waiting and lurking to catch her when she's awake, to make sure her clothes look fine, her cap is fitted nicely, her hair looks nice, the lighting is right, etc. etc. After all, I'm the one to look through and decide which pictures will make it for the press releases.

And while I wait for her to wake up, I while away my time watching American television.

Back home, I never watched TV. I simply did not have time, neither did I consider it to be such an important activity. But here, I watch a lot of TV.

Channel surfing is weird. This is how it typically goes...

"And Liz seems to be doing really well with those spiders there..."
Fear factor... ewww... flip...

"I like to use cheddar because..."
Food channel... boring... flip...

"You have no right to do this..."
Random soap... can't be bothered... flip...

"At number 39 we have Baby Brangelina..."
Hollywood gossip channel... yawn.... flip...

"I only came here to tell you what Oliver did..."
Random soap... can't be bothered... flip...

"I couldn't help but wonder..."
SATC... seen this episode... flip...

"Chandler! Are you..."
Friends... seen this one... flip...

"And the price is..."
Random gameshow... yawn... flip...

"Because he is my younger brother!"
Random soap... can't be bothered... flip...

You're flipping and flipping when you suddenly realise that you actually are curious about what Oliver did. Problem is - you have no clue which of the 100-odd channels that show was on. By this time, you have flipped so many channels that you don't even know whether skipping forwards or backwards will get you to that channel. Your curiosity is heightened and you're constantly scanning all the channels to hear the voice of the woman who was gonna tell-all about Oliver. Heck, you don't even know who the hell Oliver is, and how what he did could affect your life in any way, but the urgency grows. Along with a slight bout of neurosis. What did Oliver do? It does not matter that you are leaving the country in less than a week, and even if you did trace Oliver's deeds in this episode, there is no way you will be following the plot through. But your brain is not working. It is focusing on hand-eye-ear coordination, you see. Your fingers are now tired with the urgent high-speed button pressing, and your eyes and ears are on full alert mode, and you're doing all you can. But it doesn't seem to be enough.

It's been over 40 minutes of flipping channels and you still can't find it.

Finally you sigh and give up.

But you lie in bed that night tossing and turning with the realisation that you will live your entire life without ever finding out what Oliver did.

============================================

Yup, looks like I was flipping. And nope, am not talking about the channels.

The search has just begun

My sister used to be a google fanatic.

(Who isn't?)

So I'm checking email while my sis is checking whether baby Aish needs a change of diaper, when something strikes me.

"Sis..."

"Hmm...." She says, still looking at the baby.

"I've not seen you get online at all since the baby was born. How do you do it man?"

"Hahaha..."

"No seriously, how can you survive without the Internet? I'd die. Seriously."

"Wait till you have a baby. Phir Internet gaya bhaad mein! Your baby becomes your world wide web."

"Hahaha!"

Now that the baby keeps her hands full, she has no time to get on the net, but she often asks me to check up things - mostly baby stuff - on google.

The last time she said, "Oh, google can tell us!" Mom asked, "Ok who is this google and how come he can tell us everything?"

When you're really excited about something, you want others to be as excited. And if they are not, you feel disappointed. You also feel as if you have let down the thing you're excited about.

So my sister and I started to convince my Mom about great google is.

"Google is this really cool search engine that can give you any information you want. You just type the words on any topic in the world and you'll get so much information that you can't even read it all!"

"Any information I want? On anything?" Mom asked.

"Yeah! Anything at all!"

Mom looked interested. And seeing my Mom vaguely take an interest in anything related to computers was such a treat I jumped at the chance.

"Mom, I'll teach you how to use the computer and then you'll see how cool google is."

Some time ago, I'd blogged about how she used to think that my PC would explode if she touched it. Well, looks like laptops do not explode when touched. 'Cos Mom readily agreed.

And then the tutorial started.

"Now I'm gonna teach you how to double-click. You know, once you learn how to double-click, you've mastered half of whatever there is to learn about computers."

"Ha ha ha." goes my sis.

No, seriously.

So it takes her a while before she's able to double-click effortlessly.

Then we accessed google.

"Okay Mom, what do you wanna know?"

"Ummm...."

"Gimme any topic - your area of interest, something you wanna find out..."

"Ummm... Recipes?"

"Recipes! Great! Which recipe do you want?"

"Does it have Hyderabadi biryani?"

"Of course! Great! Hyderabad biryani!" I started typing.

"No no, wait wait. I want Hyderabad's Paradise Hotel's Hyderabadi biryani's recipe." Mom said.

(Paradise Hotel's Hyderabadi biryani is the ultimate biryani in the world. We used to go there twice a week when Dad was posted in Hyderabad. Any attempt to even begin to describe how yummy it is, is an insult to the dish. You gotta try it yourself to know.)

My sis and I looked at each other.

"Uhhh... let me try, but you may not get the authentic recipe..."

"Arre, then what's the point?"

"I mean you will get many recipes of Hyderabadi biryani, but maybe not that of Paradise Hotel's..."

"Why not?"

"Because Paradise Hotel won't put up their recipe on the Internet na..." my sis tried to help me.

"But you just said that your google-shoogle can give me any information I want!"

"Errr... maybe not everything..."

"Hmmm..."

"Errr... why don't you read some of the recipes, Mom?"

Mom read a few recipes.

"So? How are they?"

"Hmmm... okay... chalega..."

"Okay Mom, that's all for today. Tomorrow we will learn something else." I said.

"That's all?" My sister asked.

"Yeah, enough for today. We don't want an overdose. Today I just wanted her to explore the power of the Internet." I said.

"Mom, you're Internet Explorer today. Ha ha ha." I added.

I look back and Baby Aish is the only one grinning at my sad li'l joke.

Listen up, Blogville!

Today I saw a neighbourhood of only bloggers.

Ok, I didn't. I just thought that I did.

Don't blame me, blame the funny font they used to print the building numbers in my sister's neighbourhood.

BLDG 30, BLDG 31, BLDG 32, BLDG 33... and so on.

Of course I read it as BLOG 30, BLOG 31, BLOG 32, BLOG 33 and so on...

And then a funny thought crossed my mind. What if it really happened - if all of us bloggers lived in one neighbourhood? Okay, maybe not all, but those who are close to one another? We'd go to work/school in the morn, hang out in the evening, have loadsa fun and then go back to our respective homes at night to blog and read blogs.

But then again, if we met every day, maybe we wouldn't have so much to talk about. Cos we'd have read it all on each other's blogs then, isn't it?

I've actually noticed that sometimes when I hang out with my friends who regularly read my blog, I have fewer things to say cos they've already read most of the stuff that's happening with me. So when I am in their company, I crack the odd joke every now and then, but I notice that I have less to say and more to listen to.

Is it true then? Are we bloggers losing our social skills?

Or are we just becoming better listeners?

I (heart) NY

Some cities reject you instantly. The moment you enter, you know you don't belong there.

Others welcome you with open arms and absorb you right away.

NY did that to me.

I think that's why I bought one of the li'l I (heart) NY t-shirts for myself, and not because it's a must-buy token touristy souvenir.

Yesterday this SATC fan(atic) spent ten hours roaming the streets of NY.

Now I've done some serious roaming around on the streets, in London, in Kuala Lumpur, in Hong Kong, and in Cambodia. But this one was somehow special. Special in a different way. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered what my sis has been asking me to do - live in the US.

As I finished my King Kong act, took the escalator down and walked out of the empire state building, I could not help but notice the li'l Starbucks next to the amazing structure. And I could totally imagine myself sitting in that Starbucks (even though I don't even drink coffee) with a laptop and writing away for the next few years of my life.

Yup, just like Carrie Bradshaw. :)

Now if only I could find someone willing to pay me for doing that... :P

Perfect ten

Baby Aish turns ten today. Days. :)

















Well done, sis!
















Practise with the cap first babe, 'cos soon tapori Masi will teach you how to tie a bandana

















Aish looks at Sash :)