My work here is done.

My conversations with myself usually don't have a happy ending.

See this for instance. Or this.

They leave me confused, distressed, annoyed, etc. etc.

So you can imagine my state in the last two weeks where I have been constantly talking to myself, trying to make what could be potentially the biggest decision of my career.

Just when I thought my job woes got over for good in 2002.

What do you do when you're in the middle of the ocean, and suddenly the captain of your ship jumps over to a big white ship that just came out of nowhere? While the rest of you try to stabilise the rocking ship, the big white ship sends out a few lifeboats, and many others jump off your ship into the lifeboats, to be taken to the safety of the grand white ship. Your ship shakes and falters. There are too many panicky people at the wheel now, and your ship is even more unstable than before. And they have never steered the ship before. There are no other ships in sight that would rescue you if your ship sinks. And all the lifeboats sent by the big white ship have gone, taking with them the most valuable people you had on board.

What do you do? You are frustrated and confused and fearing for your life.

And suddenly, out of the blue, the big white ship sends a lone lifeboat out just for you. Only problem is - it won't stay and wait for you. It will pass by your ship, and you only get one chance to jump. If you don't, it will pass by, never to return.

Do you stay on your ship or do you take the lifeboat?

It made perfect sense to get into it. Careerwise, not just a step ahead, but a huge leap. Exposure - aplenty. Travel - boundless. Location - close to home and university. Working hours - sane. And of course, the money - I could really do with all that extra money for my Master's course.

It was the biggest dilemma I'd had till date.

Going crazy with my thoughts, I spoke to a few people I probably shouldn't have spoken to, to get their 'advice'. It's during times like these when you discover people who pretend to be your friends but are actually trying to play your mind. You realise that what is a huge dilemma for you is nothing more than gossip to them. Some even delight in the hellish torture of the decision-making process you're going through, when you question your own integrity, your ambitions, your sense of responsibility and a million other things. Lesson learnt - some things are best left to yourself or to someone who's really trustworthy.

But whatever happens, in spite of whatever advice comes to you, from friends, pseudo-friends, and foes, in the end you have to decide something that you know you will not regret. And that decision is only made after you go through the extremely distressing process of talking to yourself. Oh hearing the millions of contradicting statements that go through your mind.

"The company gave you a chance when you were in desperate need of a job. Wouldn't you give them a chance when they need experienced people like you to stick around?"

"It was not the company that gave you a chance. It was a person. The person who was your inspiration, and she has left. There is nothing more for you to learn here. You should leave too."

"But your career is not pegged to a person."

"Your career is not pegged to a company either."

"Didn't you always say you would leave when she left?"

"But you said that for your first two bosses too. They left, didn't they? But you pulled through. Because you love the job."

"You don't live in the days where you worked your whole life for one company."

"There is no such thing as company loyalty. There is only career loyalty. Be loyal to yourself."

"It's time to move on. It has been the time to move on, for some time now. And now is the best chance."

"Aren't you exhausted from editorial work? Take up the opportunity, do something different. It will be a nice break too."

"You're getting an unbelievable deal here. Do you even realise that this doesn't happen to people every day?"

"You'd always wanted to be head-hunted. You'd said, "That's the ultimate compliment to your competence. That someone out there wants you so bad. It must be so flattering to get head-hunted." Now that it's happened, you're upset?"

"But what about your magazine? But what about your other two crucial projects? Are you just going to abandon them?"

"Can you bear to pick up a copy of the magazine at a newstand and not see your name on it?"

"Idealism is passe."

"Would you be really happy doing this?"

"Ever thought about what your team is going to do without you?"

"You have a brilliant team, possibly the best in the company. You have trained them well. Your successor is 80% ready to take over your job."

"But what about the remaining 20%?"

"The environment in the office is so depressing compared to the old happy days."

"The new management is clueless! They don't know a thing about children's book publishing!"

"There is no vision, no big picture anymore. Everyone is merely trying to beat their arms and legs and stay afloat. No one's looking into the distance anymore!"

"Maybe this is when you have a huge opportunity to make a difference, help in the rebuilding process, look into the distance?"

"But there's only so much I can do. In a company as big as mine, I am but small fry."

"Even small fry can make a big difference."

"Don't stay out of pity for your company."

"They did not even counter-offer. Is that how much they value you?"

"You know why they could not counter-offer. They are restructuring themselves. They have bigger things to worry about. Do you really need to be told how much they value you?"

"The ship has not sunk yet! It's merely in the middle of a storm."

"But what if it sinks? Are you gonna look for cover only when you're struggling in the water?"

"But the new management is not convincing."

"Don't give up so fast. There are things you can still do."

"Stay for a few months at least. If you feel let down, leave then."

"The lifeboat will not be around then. What if you let this chance go, and the ship sinks later and you have nothing to hold on to?"

"Opportunity only knocks once. You're foolish if you let this go."

"The timing is just not right. In fact, it's all wrong. You can't go now. You know it."

"You know too much about the new projects. It's a bad time to move now and be grilled for information that will help the big white ship against your own projects."

"Can you really compete against books that you have conceptualised and developed yourself?"

"But you have the option of joining another department in the big white ship. You don't have to compete with your own book. That sounds fair!"

And thus went on and on, the debate that was driving me nuts. I felt sick. I fell sick. The more I thought, the crazier I felt I was going.

Till the weekend came. And with it, came the deadline when the lifeboat would pass by. I had only one chance.

Jump or stay.

It almost broke my heart, but I made my decision.

Even though I know I may wake up one fine day and realise to my horror that I just let the biggest thing that could have happen to me slip by, I will stand by my decision.

Because right now, this is what seems like the right thing to do.

I still love my job, and I believe in it. And I am ready to give us a chance. Us. My company and me. I do understand that this could be a mistake. A wrong move. No one knows. Maybe things will work out. Maybe they won't.

And what if they don't work out?

Well.

I do understand that a handful of us can't do a lot. But I will do what I can. In a few months, if the ship really does start to sink, I believe I am capable of swimming ashore, or finding other ships, even if the white ship does not send out another lifeboat my way.

In cases like these, there really is no 'right decision' or 'wrong decision'. There's only 'your decision'. I don't know how I arrived at my decision. I know it wasn't idealism or morals that made me decide this. Perhaps it was the timing. Perhaps it was my gut feeling. Perhaps it was something else. Perhaps it was a combination of many factors. But whatever it was, I am very aware of it not turning out to be the best for me. And if (and when) that happens, I hope I will be able to turn the situation around. Without regretting this decision. Because even if this does not turn out to be the best decision for me, I know I will learn something from it.

In spite of heavy depression at the possibility that I may have messed up a big career step, I feel a strange sense of relief after making the decision. Suddenly, things are falling back into place. My mind is at peace.

It's time to get working. It's time to shoo away the depressing vibes in the office. It's time to try and change things. It's time to spread the sheer joy of publishing books for children. It's time to make my team the most fun and kickass team all over again.

It's time to put the 'pub' back in 'publishing'.
(And no, I don't mean turning up drunk at work!)