Shut up, Sayesha. That's not your daughter!

23rd November was the birthday of someone very very special to me.

There was a time when this person used to bring a lot of joy and laughter to my life. But then I had to let go.

So today, her ex-tutor (moi) and current tutor (CT) took the little girl (LG) to Swensens for a belated birthday treat. CT and I are colleagues, so we left the office together after work. He was in super panic mode.

"You know she has never stepped out into the city on her own? I hope she doesn't get lost. "

"She won't get lost, CT. Her sister is accompanying her to the train station, and we will pick her up there. The sister will stay with her till we reach. And later, her mother will pick her up."

"Yes, but I'm very nervous. It's a big responsibility to take someone's child out, you know. You have to even careful of what you say to them."

And suddenly it struck me how right he was. And how unprepared I was.

Gosh, now I had to think before I spoke to her? Although she and I used to be very informal with each other when I was teaching her, most of our jokes were related to what I taught her. So now, without the books and the desk and the stationary, I had to strike a conversation with her that did not involve chlorophyll and photosynthesis and xylem and arteries!

Now I was going into panic mode.

We met LG at the station. She had grown very tall from when I'd last seen her. And she looked different from the LG I was used to seeing, the one in old pyjamas, with hair all wet (she used to take a bath just before tuition), sitting on the chair in front of me, waiting for us to finish the lesson so she could tumble into bed.

And now, she was all dressed up like a doll!

I opened my mouth to exclaim something jumpy and typical of me, but suddenly remembered CT's words. Gosh, it was very difficult for me to control the way I spoke and my choice of words.

What I almost said: "Whoa LG, you're almost a babe!"
What I actually said: "Hi LG, you look nice. And you've grown taller!"

We chatted on the way to Swensens.

"So it's school holidays now! You have the whole of December before school starts again, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes!" She grinned happily.

"But I've spoken to her mother. We'll resume tuition for Primary 6 soon. LG, shall we start on Tuesday?" CT said.

I looked aghast. LG looked aghast.

What I almost said: "Are you kidding me?? The poor thing just finished Primary 5. Let her chill for a while, will you?"
What I acually said: "Yes, maybe it's a good idea to start studying for Primary 6 early so you get a headstart. Make use of the holidays. Don't spend all of it playing, okay?"

A voice in my head said, "Bah!"

Then she started telling us about her exam results.

"My Chinese quite good. My Maths and Science also okay. But my English marks not very good leh! I very scared about English in my PSLE (Primary School Leaving Exam) next year! I don't know what to do!" She said.

"Well, first of all, LG, you should stop speaking in Singlish." I said.

"Yeah, Sayesha's right. Start speaking in proper English, LG." said CT. "Anyhow cannot speak like that, you know."

What I almost said: "CT, WHAT THE...??!!"
What I actually said: "Errr... yeah, what he means is that you should avoid speaking in Singlish, okay?"

"Yes, you must top your class in the PSLE next year. Soon you will be in secondary school, then JC and then university! So what do you want to become when you grow up?" CT asked.

"My mother wants me to become a doctor. But I don't want!"

"What do you want then?"

"I don't know! That's the problem. I don't know!"

What I almost said: "Haha! That's hardly a problem, girl. I did not know what I wanted to become even at the age of eighteen. Just chill, you'll figure out sooner or later."
What I actually said: "Hmmm... it's good to have a goal in life. You should think about what you want to be in future."

The voice in my head spoke up again, "Bah!"

We had reached Swensens. The staff seemed incredibly amused to see this very odd trio. I think they concluded that it was an inter-racial family. Though I'm sure they must have wondered why the 'daughter' did not look anything at all like the 'mother'.

After we ordered the main courses, we resumed the conversation. It was mostly us asking her questions.

"So what have you been upto? Are you going on a holiday this year?"

"No plans yet. But I want to go to Genting ." She said.

What I almost said: "Oh Genting! Maybe you'll come back a millionaire! Haha!"
What I actually said: "Oh Genting! Yeah, they have a lot of fun rides, you will enjoy yourself."

After dinner, it was time for dessert. LG simply loves ice-cream.

"So what ice-cream do you want?" I asked her.

"Oh, let's order the Earthquake for her!" CT exclaimed.

I was aghast. The Earthquake is a giant 8-scoop ice-cream.

"No no, I don't think I can finish it." She said.

"Of course you can! You're young, you can eat all you like, you can't get fat."

What I almost said: "What nonsense! Of course she can get fat!"
What I actually said: "CT, don't force her now. LG, why don't you order what you think you can finish?"

It was just so different. I had to think so much before I said anything. And that person making those 'heat & eat' idealistic statements, was so not me! Aaarghhh! At many points during the evening, I felt like such a hypocrite. But I reminded myself again and again, "Shut up, Sayesha. That's not your daughter!"

And I couldn't help but wonder -- a mere change of settings can change so much.

I never thought LG could look different from how I remembered her.

I never thought I'd have to think and rephrase my thoughts before I spoke to her.

I never thought I'd run out of things to say to her.

I never thought I'd have to be an adult when talking to her.