Who holds the custody of your remote control?

When I was a little girl, I never bothered about exams.

My parents would tell me, "Tum achhe se padhai karo, achhe marks apne aap aa jayenge!" ("Study hard; good grades will find you on their own.") I remember listening to them, I remember nodding, but I do not quite remember doing the "achhe se padhai" bit. I guess I was too busy running my gang, and bashing up boys of the neighbourhood and playing gully cricket. But the second bit was true -- somehow I managed to get good grades. "Just chill and you'll be fine" was my motto. But I knew. That as long as I brought back good grades, Mom and Dad would let me have the illusion that I decided things about my life. That I was in charge. And I have no regrets. I needed that 'safety net'.

As I grew up, there were more decisions to be taken. And there was always someone to do it for me, or help me with it. After each of Dad's transfers, Mom and Dad would decide which school I should attend. In the 12th standard, when we had to pick a subject between Maths and Biology, my Maths teacher had decided that I would be dropping Bio. "You're gonna phodo (blast) the Maths exam! Drop Bio!" My Bio teacher sad, "Drop Bio? Are you crazy? You're gonna phodo the Bio exam! Drop Maths!" They even 'advised' my parents on what I should take up. In the end, the four of them left it to me, "Ok, you decide what you want to do." I gave up and took up both Maths and Bio because they seemed to have made the decisions for me anyway. Another false impression that "I made my decisions." But again, I didn't mind 'cos I liked both subjects. And because it made all of them so happy.

In 1998, when I got notification that I had been selected for the SIA-NOL scholarship, Mom and Dad told me that I was free to make the preliminary decision. If I wanted to take it up, then they would start thinking about it and tell me their opinion. So all of a sudden, at the age of 18, I was to make not only the first proper decision of my life, but also the biggest. It was daunting. I made the preliminary decision and they supported it. But I guess it wasn't really 'my decision'. If they had said no, I'd be in India now, and still have no regrets about rejecting the scholarship. I'd still be happy with my life.

This wasn't over. I came to Singapore, joined NTU, and the Ministry of Education had already decided my course for me. And so I studied something as incredibly boring as Electrical and Electronic Engineering. NTU had decided which hostel I was to stay in, who my room-mate was to be. And yet, I never regretted not having full control over my life. I was enjoying the experience of seeing where life was taking me.

So basically, all this while, I'd been using others' suggestions and advice as my safety net for making decisions.

And now, I feel like I am finally out of the warmth and safety of my cocoon. I am ready to take full control of my life. To make some decisions by myself. To take on the world. To hold the remote control, press the buttons with steady hands, and not regret it later. To not have to justify. To not be questioned.

To wake up suddenly, feel like doing something, and actually do it. By myself.

People often ask me, "So why are you doing a Master's course?" I tell them, "Well, I woke up one fine day and suddenly felt like it." I get surprised looks, but it's true. Frankly speaking, I don't think I have fully figured out what exactly to do with a post-grad degree, but at least I do know that I want it. So there. I asked no one, consulted no one, no one made any decisions for me this time around. It was a bit scary, yes, 'cos this time, there was no safety net, it was purely my decision to juggle my stressful job with the part-time course. I realised that there would be a change in my lifestyle, and I'd have to give up certain things, and that it would eat up all my savings. But I believed in it. I knew it was something I chose for my life. And that realisation helped my fear to subside. The remote was really in my hands. It wasn't easy, but who said it would be?

And that’s when I realised that these exams are different from school exams and the "marks apne aap aa jaayenge" is not gonna happen if I don’t "acche se padhai karo". Sheesh. But true. So suddenly, I found myself studying for exams. Actually studying for exams. Seriously. And not to forget the lucky charms. I believe that wearing/carrying gifts given to us by people who love us, fills us with positive vibes. So I had on me as many gifts from people as I could -- a silver pendant, silver earstuds, perfume by Guess, a white top, an anklet, an Egyptian bracelet with my name engraved on it in heiroglyphics, the works... before I marched into the exam hall.

I'm gonna do all I can to do really well in this course. Because the decision was mine and mine alone, and I am going to stand by it. Even though I know that no matter what I decide for myself, or how I carry it through, or how many mistakes I make, I will never regret it.

'Cos I have finally signed up for full custody of my remote control, and there's no turning back.