Vis-à-vis

Note: Post written in an emotional state of mind. Please comment with caution. I'll delete any inflammatory remark made against either country.

Dear Sir,

I firmly believe that once you blog about something, it stops bothering you. This is a post of all the things that are bothering me. All the things that I have to say. Some of which I wanted to say to you today, others which I knew I could not say. And I have to write all this because I have to make it stop bothering me.

So here it is – a day by day account of what’s bothering me and why I need to tell you all this.

Day 1 – 22nd August Tuesday

I went to the Pakistan Embassy with my Singaporean colleague (he's also supposed to go to Pakistan with me on the business trip) and we submitted our forms. Your website said that Indian nationals need seven sets of the application form and seven photographs, a letter from my company stating that the company would sponsor my trip, and a letter from our partners in Pakistan stating that they were inviting me as a speaker at their seminar. I had diligently prepared the seven sets.

The guy at the reception was incredibly friendly. He even spoke to me in Hindi (Urdu for him I guess). “Indian national? Visa? Sakbo visa dete hain, aapko bhi denge! Aao, baitho.” ("We give visas to everyone. We'll give you too. Come, sit.") He said cheerfully. We were asked to wait in the waiting room. I flipped thru loads and loads of Pakistani magazines and also watched the video about Pakistan that was playing. My colleague was called to the counter first. His passport, photograph and forms were accepted and he was asked to pay the visa fee of $34. I chuckled to myself thinking of the $29 I was gonna save for my company (visa fee for Indian nationals is only $5). He was asked to pick up his passport (stamped with the visa) on Thursday.

I was called next. When I handed over the seven sets, the guy at the counter retained six of them and one photograph. "Only one needed." He said. Wincing at the extra trees I had just killed, I handed him my passport. He returned it to me with a "Call tomorrow at 2 pm" and dismissed me. I was not asked to make any payment either. Strange. I joked with my colleague that perhaps it was a 'when to issue the visa' for his case and 'whether to issue the visa' in mine.

Day 2 – 23rd August Wednesday

I called exactly at 2 pm. I'd had a post-it message stuck on my Mac to remind me. I was told that you wanted to see me personally before my application would be processed. I was asked to go to the Embassy at 10 am the next morning to see you.

Day 3 – 24th August Thursday

My colleague got his visa.

I was at the Embassy sharp at 10 am. The same guy was at the reception. He remembered me from the day before. “Aap? Indian national na? Visa application, right? Sakbo visa dete hain, aapko bhi denge! Aao baitho.” He said again.

So I sat in the waiting room and watched the Pakistan video once again. Then I was ushered into your room. I was very impressed with your majestic personality, almost scared I'd say. You went thru my application forms and confirmed that I was an Indian national. “Why do you want to go to Pakistan?” You asked. I told you. You looked hesitant. I could sense that you doubted my credibility and also my company’s. You asked me if my company was an MNC and I said it was, and that we have subsidiary publishers in the US and UK. You asked me to get a letter from my company stating all this. (Strange how the name of the same company whose credibility you were doubting got me my US visa instantly) You also said that you wanted to see the kinds of books we publish. I asked you if I could bring the letter and the books down to the embassy the next morning. You agreed to look at them, but warned me that you could not guarantee me a visa. And I wondered why. What was it in my application form that made me an undesirable candidate for a 10-day business visa? All the form had was my name, address, passport number, colour of hair, colour of eyes, the fact that I was not a migrant from Pakistan, that I was not in the army, etc. So other than the ‘Indian national’ part, which part of the form made you apprehensive? I do know that many people from India and Pakistan visit each other’s countries. Maybe Pakistani people also have difficulties obtaining a visa to go to India, I don’t really know. But I don't really care. Why should I? I care about my application. And I did not understand if you thought that going to Pakistan was a threat to my life, or that my going was a threat to Pakistan.

“I can’t guarantee you a visa.” Your words rang in my head the whole day. I could not concentrate on anything. I had an unproductive day at work, which never happens to me. After work, I was absent-minded in class too. I’d forgotten to print my lecture notes. I was not participating in the class. The MD of Edelman SE-Asia was a guest speaker in my class that night, and he had a contest for us to pitch our creative ideas and the best would get to attend a talk by the CEO of Edelman. I could have done so much better, but I wrote some crap, which I can’t even remember now.

To tell you the truth, I even cried a bit. And I never cry at anything other than Bollywood movies. But last night, before going to bed, I shed a few tears.

At the thought that a complete stranger had the power to break my heart.

Day 4 – 24th August Friday

I was at the Embassy again sharp at 10 am. (The $29 I had supposedly saved for my company was all going poof in my cab fares.) I had with me the letter you’d asked for, and books that my company had published, including some that I had written and others that I had edited. I even took the certificate from a school in Manila that stated that I had done this kind of seminars before.

I wandered around in the waiting room. I had seen the video so many times now that I was sure that if you muted the TV, I’d have done a complete voiceover for the whole thing. I had devoured all the books and magazines in the waiting room. Without stepping a foot in Pakistan, I had begun to understand the culture. I read that they like Bollywood movies. I read their reviews on Hindi movies that featured Pakistan, such as Veer-Zaara and Fanaa. I’d read about their models, their celebrities, their marathon events (I read two books on the Run Lahore campaign). I read a magazine that had an Indian male model and a Pakistani female model on the cover dressed in fine ethnic wear. I thought that was pretty cool. I saw their ads. I even saw how they wrote their addresses, just like in India. "Near KFC".

After a while I got so bored I started cracking really bad jokes with myself, just to kill time. The worst one was this:

Q: What would Sachin Tendulkar say when he hears about Sayesha’s visa issue?
Ans: Visa power. For-get it.

I doubt if I will ever forgive myself for that joke. :|

I waited from 10 am to 11:30 am. (Not that I’m complaining about that. I’m Indian – who am I to complain about lack of system and waiting time at government offices?) In those three hours, I was asked to go to the counter thrice and was sent back into the waiting room again. People came and went, most of them instantly getting approvals. I sat there till about 11:30, when the guy at the reception called me and told me that you were not in the office. He said to the guy at the counter, “Woh pata nahin kab waapas aayenge… Inki chhutti karo na…” (Dunno when he’ll be back, at least send her back.)

So the guy at the counter asked me for my mobile number and told me that they would tell me over the phone. Tell me what? That I was supposed to go see you again? Or just tell me that I could not go to Pakistan because I am an Indian?

The guy at the counter looked at me helplessly. If I wasn’t almost in tears, I’d have said to him, “Sabko visa dete ho, bas hamein hi nahin dete.” ("You give visas to everyone. Just not to me.")

So I was at the lifts when I suddenly remembered that I had one last chance to 'sell' you my application. I decided to leave the books that I had taken (the ones I was supposed to show you) with the guy at the counter, in the hope that perhaps you will find some time to look at them, and find whatever you expected of them, and maybe, just maybe I'll have some good news on Monday.

But I'm also very aware of the other possibility. Which seems more probable at this point in time.

I'd thought I'd sort this out today - Friday. I'd know for sure what I was in for, and then I could concentrate on my weekend dissertation writing. But now it looks like my depression over the last two days has now entered my weekend. And I dislike it. I feel pained and hurt and angry. And I know I will probably stay this way till Monday. Even though you've probably made your decision already, I'll only find out on Monday. And this post is to avoid the restlessness I think I will experience till I get that call from you, which will either make or break my day.

I felt this sudden change today after coming back from the Embassy. Nothing was really cheering me up anymore. We had a company event today and we had a silly voting thing and I was picked as the most admired person. Normally, I’d be celebrating this and be on a temporary high, but I feel so low that small things like this which used to make my day do not seem to matter anymore. And I hate to see myself like this.

When I asked my parents for permission to visit Pakistan, I was more than sure they would say no. Many of my friends told me I was crazy to want to go, and that my parents would never agree. And I knew they were probably right. I’d even mentally prepared myself. But when they agreed, I was ecstatic. I thought I had won the battle. Now it was just a matter of one flight. I could almost see myself on the streets of Pakistan. I never even imagined in my wildest dreams that my visa would be a problem.

And in the middle of all this - my 'glass-is-half-full' side nudged me. Suddenly, just like that - I had a thought. So what if they won’t grant me a visa? I won’t go. Big deal. It’s not a career-changing trip anyway. Besides, I’m probably safer in Singapore than I would be in any country, including India. So maybe I should just let the whole thing go and return to my work, which has been massively disrupted due to my frequent trips to the Embassy. Maybe I am obsessing over something that won't matter so much after a while. In all probability, I'm being silly about this whole thing. Maybe it's fine not to go.

But then there was this other part of me saying – But I wanna go. I really really really wanna go.

Let me tell you, sir, why this trip is so important to me. It’s not just a career thing. It’s also something very personal, something close to my heart. Most of us Indians would never get to see Pakistan. We would not go on holidays there, we would not go for relatives’ weddings there, we would just not go. And, here it was, the opportunity of truly a lifetime, something that will probably never happen to me in this life ever again. I did not have any big ambitious plans for my trip. I was not going to try and “foster friendships” or “build ties” between two countries who have been disputing for years and years now. It not like I thought my trip would change the image of Indians in the eyes of those who are cynical about us. I was not going to show off how "brave" I am. I was just going to see Pakistan. With my own eyes. Now that I have a chance to go see things for myself, I’m being denied the opportunity. By being denied entry, I am experiencing the negativity that I never had in me about your country.

If three visits to the Embassy did not help, I wonder what will. However, I do know that you’re probably not doing this on a whim. Perhaps you have some reason for your reluctance on this visa. But if there really is no substantial reason, maybe all you need to do is just trust your instincts and let me through, then I do hope that even though I know you would have already made your decision this afternoon, somehow, something will happen over the weekend to make you rule in my favour. Maybe the vibes from the words that I write here will reach your heart and tell you I'm clean. I believe in vibes very strongly. It's the closest thing to God that I believe in.

It's amazing how something that did not affect my life in any way a few months ago has suddenly become so important to me. But I can't help it - cos that's the way it is.

I just want to see your country, is that so bad?

Yours sincerely,
Sayesha