Monday, October 03, 2005

My little space

Long long time ago, in the days of the Ramayana and the Mahabharata, there was a concept called 'kope bhavan' (fury chamber). Queens would enter the 'kope bhavan' if something pissed them off, and stay there till they had cooled down and were ready to step out.

(Personally, I believe there was a gym in here, where the pissed off queens worked out to let off steam. But don't listen to me, I believe a lot of things.)

My new place has a tiny triangular balconey just outside my room. With just enough room for one person. To lock oneself out of everything. I believe it was built for only one person who wanted that space just for himself/herself.

I love this space. It's where I stand and look at the sky, at the clouds, hear the wind rustling through the tall trees, feel it blow through my hair, watch the bright yellow bird that makes an appearance near my window once in a while, hear the cuckoo sing. And if I am lucky, feel the rain brushing against my face.

And think.

Really think.

About myself. My life. What I want from it.


One of the people on my blog asked me something over email, "Tera dhyaan kaun rakhta hai?" ("Who takes care of you?") And suddenly, in that moment, I was rendered speechless. And even though I shot off a typical oh-so-confident-Sayesha reply "Apna dhyaan hum khud rakhte hain, aur kya?" ("I take care of myself! What else?") it felt like I had suddenly run out of words.

And I really asked myself -- mera dhyaan kaun rakhta hai?

I guess that email had caught me on one of those days where I wasn't my usual strong self. When I was lonely and sad and homesick. When I reached home, I shut myself up in my space. It was raining. The raindrops brushed against my face as if trying to conceal my tears. After a while I couldn't even tell whether it was the rain or the tears running down my face. But I felt better.


This is my space. This helps me to cope with loneliness, with anger, with fear, with jealousy, with hurt, with heartbreak, with homesickness.


This is my 'cope bhavan'.



39 comments:

abhi said...

Each of us needs this personal space.Some realise it like you do.Some dont.On some nights , i just bolt the door from the inside , lie down on my bed , look at the stars and wonder-where is the bloody ceiling ?!.

Hope you keep feeling fine.sayesha and tears.sounds like Laloo and IT.Wish you happiness.

Keshav said...

where the pissed off queens worked out to let off steam

hahaha :)

"Cope" bhavan concept is so chill :)..lol...but your cope bhavan looks so tiny...may be when u stand there for a few minutes u get so frustrated with the bhavan itself....and forget about the real reason u went in there..:p...that way it might just work fine ;-).

PS-Word verification - kesevb !!

viv said...

Sweet. I like the pun.

My cope bhavan is the great outdoors. Feel so good when I go for a run or play cricket...

abhi said...

I am first by a minute.Thank you god.My faith in god stands restored.

justme said...

all of us have our own fav corners..!! i wanna say something intelligent to make u smile.. but i got no words..!!

ankur said...

profound...!

however...i wish you could answer the following for me:

Sayesha:"This is my space. This helps me to cope with loneliness, with anger, with fear, with jealousy, with hurt, with heartbreak, with homesickness"

Me:"recall the days you felt that this life was the best thing to have happened to you. did you still get yourself into the cope bhavan or share yourself with your friends/family...etc"..."i also have a feeling that you are one of those who love to get your friends out of trouble..help them in their agony..."

and hence, the question: "why would you want to act as the angel for your friends in times of distress and not give them the opportunity to do the same for you..."..."do you feel happy possessing the cope bhavan?"

oxymoron said...

everybody needs a cope bhavan once in a while... for me its not an isolated physical space... for me it is just a mental isolation from ppl arnd me. so it can happen in a packed mrt / bus... whenever thr's a need to blow something off... i just switch off all my physical receptors, and that very place can become my cope bhawan. some of my most intense thinking takes place thr.
PS: hope thr were less tears and more rain drops... hope you are doing fine!

Ravi said...

The reference of kop bhavan bought back memories of my childhood. We used to have this big old teak table. There was a lot of space under it. Whenever I felt like crying, this was the place I would go & sit. Sometimes I sat there for hours. I had many of these kop bhawan's through my life. The terrace was one place later in life that helped me find my peace. You could spend a lot of time just looking at the trees, the sky & the birds fly by.
Thanks.

shub said...

aww....hope u dont mind hugs from a complete stranger!!
>:D<
been reading ur blog for a while now...love it!

virdi said...

e bidu kya hua be tere ko?? munni bhen ko gussa kaiko aa rela hai?? generally pissed at everything?? happens happens...

u need a break from everything... thats what your thoughts say...

V..

American Pi said...

awesome pun:) JJ ka cope bhavan! ;)

J'Adore said...

here's to feeling better! *cheers*

p.s. ur space looks fab :-)

Sayesha said...

#Hey hey Abhi,
Ho jata hai kabhi kabhi, hai na? I'm doing fine now, thanks for your message, brought a smile to my face :)
ps: Laloo and IT? Hahaha! International tabela?? :D

#Keshav,
Is it me or are you beginning to sound like Pingoo?? :O

#Viv,
Yeah. To each, his own :)

#Abhi,
Ok, now you've made me laugh! :D

#Justme,
//i wanna say something intelligent

There! You made me laugh with that statement of yours! Ok ok baba. Kidding kidding! :P

#Ankur,
Yes, I feel happy to have my cope bhavan. Because sometimes, you just need to be my yourself. I don't have my tanhayee beach anymore since I moved to the west, but I do have my cope bhavan.
ps: Abt your other questions, yes, I have often asked myself the exact same questions.

#Oxymoron,
Yeah, I do the 'escape into virtual cope bhavan' once in a while too! :)

//hope thr were less tears and more rain drops... hope you are doing fine!

That's the best part, once you stand in the cope bhavan, your tears become the rain and the rain becomes your tears and suddenly you're not crying anymore. It's all rain.

#Ravi,
I know what you mean :)

#Shub,
Thanks for the hug, dear. I think I needed one. :)

#Oye Virdi ke bache ke baap,
Sayesha ka emotional side dekh liya tuney?? Damn! Ruk tu, gimme a day and I'll be back in form to bash you! :)

//u need a break from everything... thats what your thoughts say...

Oho kya baat hai kya baat hai... You can read my thoughts now? Thought there was only one guy on my blog who could do that. Anyway, you're right. I SO need a break!

#AP,
JJ is impressed with KK's little rhyme! ;)

Sayesha said...

#J'Adore,
Thanks!
*clink* :)
ps: We posted at the exact same time so I missed replying to your comment in the last one.

Angelsera said...

hey u know wat!I have a small balcony too!! which i used to use for the same purpose.I got bookshelf done on one side..my own library.I used to love to sit thr..but I havent used it in many years though...cos mom needed storage space so she took over :(

Sahil said...

I think ur other cope bhavan is ur blog. The ease with which you can write your thoughts and feelings so simply, never fails to astound me. You should always keep writing.

...and don't think ur alone. I can only imagine how home-sick you must get. But just remember in this little part of the world, on your blog, there are people who really do care about you and wish nothing but happiness for you.

So wipe away the tears honey, and just remember us when u're feeling alone. :)

SplitPersonality said...

Your Cope Bhavan looks gr8..! So Clean!! but lah..in singapore u can just see only bldgs.. really not much nature..
And Yeah.. U R right... Every one needs at least one.. (To Take care)..
Cheers..
"Tanhai..." are yaar gaana yaad nahi aa raha hain.. Tum yaad kar lena.. it's frm Dil Chahata hain..

word verification : onvicu

HoliDevil said...

Kope Bhavan!!!

Think u r getting 2 homesick. Take a break n chill out. OTW da Jill of all trades will forget to add in newer list.

TC

ritzkini said...

unfortunate that u have had to move away from the beach...it really is one hell of a place to be alone and think...i firmly beleive in that...works for me...everytime...
inshallah,this "cope bhavan" sees you more for the right reasons and not as much for the wrong ones..

shobs said...

whenever i have such moments, u'll find me perched on a window-sill...
but, one things which really makes me think about my life these days are your posts. whenever i am down or furstrated i go thru ur previous posts which i havent read as yet. you really do reach out to people who read it.
and i believe you when you say you can turn all negative energy into positive. i am amazed at the way your posts influence my thought process,
and i feel like i know you already.

ashy said...

Sahil is right...
thr r lots of thing which u feel like expressing and its then that u feel like blogging !!

And we are always here to pull ur legs.

Sayesha said...

#Angelsera,
Arghh... reclaim your land, girl!

#Sahil,
Wow. Never thought of that! You're absolutely right!! My blog is my cope bhavan too. And you guys make me smile to myself at least 50 times a day.

:)

#SplitPersonality,
I can see plenty of greenery and colourful birds from my window, so it's not that bad :)
ps: I LOVE that song!

#HoliDevil,
Yep, I need a break. Will take one. Very soon.

#Ritzkini,
I miss the beach too :(
ps: It's such a welcome change to see sensible and serious comments from you. :)

#Shobs,
Hey thanks! Am really flattered! :P

#Ashy,
Yeah, you know sometimes I feel like Sayeshaz is this party zone where we all hang out and pull each other's leg. Especially Virdi's :)

Princesse said...

I echo shobs' thoughts... ur blogspace sayesha IS my cope bhavan... thanks for opening up ur space to us all :)
*hugs*

PuNeEt said...

I believe there was a gym in here, where the pissed off queens worked out to let off steam
That was too cool… great imagination

Oh dear… you are a very strong n independent girl…
Your post made me senti…

Take care… and you have ur blog pals to share your pain…

Cheers

priya said...

oh! u donthave to wait long to see virdi senti.. trust me ..
he gets senti at the drop of a hat ;)
senti surd
senti surd
senti surd
:D

..p..

Humjoli said...

sayesha u r so senti, well... love you for that.

"(Personally, I believe there was a gym in here, where the pissed off queens worked out to let off steam. But don't listen to me, I believe a lot of things.)"

what are the other things u believe which u think nobody else believes? i believe things too which normally people would not but are logical. thats my way of thinking

Humjoli said...

may be u need to start a new blog to discuss things like that :P

Sayesha said...

#Princesse,
//thanks for opening up ur space to us all

Thanks for finding it worthy of stay :)

#Puneet,
//and you have ur blog pals to share your pain…

I know. Sometimes I sit down and wonder what I would do without you guys...
:)

#Priya,
Hahahah! Poor senti surd. Even with me senti here, he's getting ragged :P

#Humjoli,
//sayesha u r so senti

Uhhh... I don't like being so senti... let's call it 'emotional', shall we? :P

//what are the other things u believe which u think nobody else believes?

I haven't listed them yet, but I do have a list of things that sound right in my head! :)

bananapen said...

Haha, this just floated through my mind: an image of a fat grumpy queen running furiously on a treadmill (while wearing a puffy queeenly gown, with a lopsided crown on her head)! Very TS ;)

Anonymous said...

hey whr you? miss reading ur updates.. hope u doing ok.. *hugz from another stranger*

Thanu said...

Have been a silent reader.. reading ur blogs remind me of myself. Great blog
-Thanu

Sayesha said...

#Banana,
Hahahahaha! You're right!! And a year ago, you were wondering why I was so crazy about TS! See? Got to you too! ;)

#Hey Anonymous,
Thanks for watchin' out for me, dear! Don't worry, I am not 'koping' in my bhavan! Just too many things (and people) happening to my life right now... also got rather badly spammed by some commentators yesterday, didn't feel like posting anything. Will be back soon! Hugs to you too! :)

#Thanu,
Thanks! Feels real good when someone identifies with what we write, isn't it? :)

oxymoron said...

yes sayesha, earlier u were averaging a port a day, now we have to wait longer for new posts... not good! ;) u cant do this after getting us hooked on to the good stuff!

oxymoron said...

correction
//earlier u were averaging a port a day
earlier u were averaging a post a day

spamtaneous said...

ditto :)

Sayesha said...

#Hey Oxy, Spammy,

Thanks, you guys :)

Yaar bahut saare assignments hain... work and studies both killing me... I am too stressed... Wanna go on a short vacation and chill for a while...

ps: Spammy, when's your blog coming up man?? :)
(Pata hai? After what happened yesterday, I actually considered closing my blog to anonymous/other commentors, but then I dun wanna lose pple like you, so decided against it.)

Rays Of Sun said...

My cope bhavan is my kitchen! Actually, steaming veggies and rice..:)Its OK, to cry once in a while, that only shows you are human enough to speak your mind!!You are one adorable girl:)

spamtaneous said...

*** ps: Spammy, when's your blog coming up man?? :)
(Pata hai? After what happened yesterday, I actually considered closing my blog to anonymous/other commentors, but then I dun wanna lose pple like you, so decided against it.) ***

oops..missed this one..
haha..moi blog... my knack of pissing ppl off combined with my pathetic writing skills... better i dont have one.. btw iam a goodMAC ..as u say :)

and Tenjewberrymuds... btw what happened yest...meanMACs ..hah?

Sayesha said...

#ROS,
Thanks, girl! :P

#Spammy,
Awww c'mon!! Dun disappoint us man! Give us a chance to exhibit some MAC-ish behavious on your blog too! ;)