Saturday, October 01, 2005

When is a good time to stop a wedding?

I called up a school friend in India some time ago. He was telling me about how he helped one of his friends elope with a guy, days before her marriage to another guy.

I was a bit shocked.

And he was shocked that I was shocked.

"Knowing you, I thought you'd find this so adventurous and exciting, Sayesha!"

"Duh! In movies! Not in real life!" I said.

"Why not?? It's so romantic!"

"Because, you moron, this is a WEDDING. Parents are involved. Extended families are involved. It's not just about the two people who're gonna get married. Other people's feelings are at stake!"

Yes, my views on certain things are a bit traditional. I am wild, yes, and doing risky things excite me. But eloping on the night before my wedding?? I don’t think I’d be up for that.

If things need to be changed, they need to be changed at the right time. At least before the cards are printed.

I was thinking about it long after our conversation. And I realised that most of my favourite movies have this aspect – the girl’s with someone else, and they’re gonna get married, and guy X just swoops in and takes her away. And because the story is about these two, no one thinks of the others involved and how they feel.

Classic case - Dil Chahta Hai.

Two weekends ago, I had a screening of 'Dil Chahta Hai' with two friends at my new place. Yes, we watched it for the nth time. And laughed for the nth time. And loved it for the nth time.

Now I have watched the movie so many times that in my head I have analysed the movie like a million times over. I've picked up tiny things that are not so obvious when you watch it the first time round. I've thought about which parts I'd have changed if I were the director. I've thought of the story from the viewpoint of the other characters.

The aspect of the movie that affected me the most was the Akash-Shalini story, and how a guy like him falls in love with a girl who's engaged to be married, and goes all the way to tell the girl what he feels and possibly stop the wedding.

It's quite amazing, isn't it? To have the guts to go to a wedding and say, "Mujhse shaadi karogi?" ("Will you marry me?") to the bride. But I rejoiced when I watched it. I went “Whoa, what a love story! Awesome!” Yeah, it's very romantic and all that, but if that really happened in real life, how would one handle it? Would I dare to do what Shalini did? To get away with a simple "Rohit, I love Akash. Please understand." the way Shalini did. I can imagine Rohit’s thought process. “Understand? Understand what? That you did not say anything all this while and just before the wedding, I’m supposed to "understand"?”

But he does it. He lets go of the girl. Cos she's in love with someone else. And it happens in Dil Toh Pagal Hai, in Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein, in DDLJ, in Pardes, in Tum Bin, in Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai, in Yuva, in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. In fact, I realised to my horror that it happens in most of my favourite movies! Yeah, I like a bit of adventure... the forbidden always pulls me towards it... and what's more forbidden and adventurous than suddenly discovering three days before your wedding 'hey, I don't love guy X, I love guy Y!' Freakin' scary!

I hope it never happens to me.

I don't buy the argument that this is all very filmi and does not happen in real life.

What if it does?

Life is unrealistic. And we're human.

As I maintain, each of us has more than one soul mate. I wanna put a number to it. Okay, let’s say seven (the most overused number for such things). So I say each of us has seven soul mates in the world. Seven people we have the connection with. We may or may not meet all of them in our lifetime. If we’re lucky, we’ll spend our life with one of them.

And since we have seven soul mates, it is not really an impossibility to suddenly run into one of the other six while you’re about to be married to the first. And if you wanna change your mind then, what do you do?

Stop the wedding? After all, it’s the question of your happiness, your entire life, of what you want.

So when really is a good time to stop a wedding? Not at the mandap. Definitely not at the mandap. Too much is at stake, and too much has already happened. And too many people have become involved.

I'm quite lost myself. I have no answers. But the ideal answer would perhaps be -- be DAMN sure whom you wanna marry, and stick to your decision.

But how do we become damn sure?

I remember Rohit saying, “We love each other, that's why we're getting married. Isn't it, Shalini?"

And Akash says, "You should ask yourselves this question, not each other."

Maybe we should all ask ourselves. Do the Dil Chahta Hai test, close our eyes and really try and see whom we wanna be with. And know it before we get married. If there's a wee bit of a doubt, I'd say don't get married. Even if you can't be with guy Y, don't marry guy X because you can't be with guy Y. That's a bad reason to marry anyone, besides it being unfair to guy X.

I know someone who got married to a guy X because guy Y whom she wanted to marry never really said anything explicitly.

Which reminds me of another DCH scene. When Akash asks Mahesh Uncle how Shalini is, Mahesh Uncle says, “Khush nahin hai. Pyaar woh tumse karti hai aur shaadi Rohit se kar rahi hai...” ("She's not happy. She is in love with you but she's getting married to Rohit.")

And Sameer said, “Aur woh karey bhi toh kya? Ek taraf hain woh log jinhone usey woh zindagi di jo woh jee rahi hai, aur doosri taraf hai ek aisa aadmi jo usse pyaar karta hai nahin karta hai woh nahin jaanti!”

("What can she do? On one side are the people who have given her the life she is living, and on the other side is this guy... And she doesn't even know if he loves her or not!")

All of us have the right to tell the people we love, that we love them. Yes, we have the right to tell them whenever we feel like telling them. And sometimes, the timing is really bad. But it just happens. Life is unrealistic.

If you love someone, do something about it. And telling the person would be the first step.

But if the one you love is getting married and you wanna do something about it, you'd better do it soon.

Don’t wait till the wedding.



35 comments:

justme said...

me lost for words..but i agree wid all dat u ve told.. :-)

Deeps said...

That was a very awesome post. I have gone through the pre-marriage jitters, but I always knew that Sri was the one for me. I can't imagine being in love with somebody else and marrying another.

And you're so right about "Don't wait till the wedding" part. Indian weddings or for that matter American weddings are costly affairs. As you say, people are involved emotionally and financially. It does sound romantic in the movies, but in real life there's a lot to think about. Its not at all an easy decision for someone if they do want to marry somebody else...

In Dil Chahtha He, Rohit was sort of a bad guy, so Shalini had it a bit easy. But imagine a Kuch Kuch Hota he scene. Salman is an extremely nice guy. I wouldn't have done that had I been Kajol :)

Good thinking :)

Sayesha said...

#Justme,
Me also kinda lost for words... dunno how I put this post together man...

#Deeps,
I agree. Bollywood often gets around the problem by potraying the second guy in a negative light (think Rohit in DCH, Kuljit in DDLJ, Rajiv in Pardes) so that the ending is justified. But it may not happen so in real life.

spamtaneous said...

how about proposing after marriage ...better late than never :? like in HDDCS

coincidentally word vrify is aishjpmf

virdi said...

pyar kiya hai toh bol do... thats the simple funda...

someone: am I right??? ;-)

my word was : wkxlrtv, looks like some Russian porn channel like : wkxlr-TV

I think this stupid word verification discussion thing is catching up too fast... hehehe...

V..

Anonymous said...

amazing post.. totally agree .. yeah the sane headed me wud never leave a guy at the alter, too much at stake.. just too much.. and yup, i agree with deeps (despite being a huuuge srk-kajol fan).. in kkhh, kajol leaving salman was simply heart breaking! ~

Anonymous said...

err.. altar i meant .. damn my spelling

eV said...

>Life is unrealistic.
Nice!
Btw, was reminded of the foll quote from When Harry met Sally
"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband"

Ashish said...

pulled off another great, thot provoking post :) Loved every word of it! but something is not smelling good to me here :-?

Sayesha I have read whole of ur blog and off late THIS sequence of postings is 'somewat' disturbing ;)

- first it was a thot on ur ideal relationship. thinking too much eh?
- then comes a huge appreciation of life as it is, comparing with chemistry.
- then you are working out in gym- trying to tone up :-?
- then baby-thoughts flood up your mind
- and now you are pondering over appropriate timings to stop wedding.

whoaaaaaa! I'm not saying anything. maine kya kaha? *batting eyes*
mein kuch nahi kehta, i never do anything *innocent looks*
i just observe things *stupid grin*

Sayesha said...

#Spammy,
// how about proposing after marriage ...better late than never

I think that's heart-breaking.

#Virdi,
Pata nahin what channels you watch man...

#Anonymous,
Thanks! And I agree about the Kajol-Salman thing too!

#ev,
Thanks!

//"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband"

That's a delightfully witty statement. Can't believe I'd forgotten it! :)

#Ashish,
Hahahaha! You made me laugh out loud in the middle of a very serious assignment I'm working on! :D

And beta, don't even try and read between Sayesha's posts. You will go nuts trying to figure me out. Seriously.

Sahil said...

Kya baat hai? Some very serious and intelligent thoughts were in this post. You feeling ok? :)

But to be fair, in DCH Rohit was the one who already knew something was up with Shalini and Akash, and yet he still wanted to go ahead with the wedding. It was just his ego and possessiveness that wanted him to hold on to her.

And as for having the guts to go to someone's wedding and elope with the bride to be - well it's not the stuff of Bollywood only. It does happen in real life. But that's what happens jabh mohabbat ho jaati hai. People fall in love all the time, but it won't drive them to do these crazy things. Par jabh mohabbat hoti hai, and u're so sure of something that everything else seems irrelevant - then anything can happen.

Even eloping with the girl on her wedding night.

ps - I loved nearly all the movies u mentioned. And for the 'loving the girl whose marrying someone else' angle of the movie, these are my favourites in this order:

Pardes
Na tum jaano na hum
Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein
Dil hai ke maanta nahin
DDLJ
Dil to Paagal Hai

pps - some movies u mentioned I didn't include, coz i've either not seen them (yuva, MYKSH), or didn't like them (KKHH), or didn't think their main theme was this angle (Tum Bin).

priya said...

shah rukh khan is the show stopper wen it comes to this..
most of his hit movies,th elast scene is the heroine's wedding.. heroine realises she's in love with him in sum moment of insanity..
they live happily ever aftr..
poor groom is lost! :)

..p..

justme said...

hheheh d topic is changing from wats d best time to propose to ROHIT bashing..!!

newayz.. i think just coz a guy is an MCP like rohit doesnt justify someone walking out on him on d day before his marriage..!! or is it justified..??

it was just a movie people.. and my fav too..!!

anon said...

Hello Damsel,

Read your post today. I must say that whatever you have noted down is certainly doable but then; as you aptly mentioned: life is unpredictable. One just does not know what will happen and when that will happen and if it does happen then one does not know how to react.

A simple example: I know a person who was married last year after almost half a year of engagement. She had looked forward to it, dreamt of how her ghar would be, how her house would be, what she would do, what she would not do etc etc. She had told the whole wide world of her plans. She bugged her near and dear friends and drove them crazy with 'I am going to do this' and 'I am going to do that'. What happened in the end?

Days after marriage she got the biggest shock. A shock to her sense of security; to her sense of integrity; to her believe in the honesty and morality of people in general. She left him, only do to what? Give him a second chance.

She spent the the worst half a year with him. She went so towards the edge that she was literally forced by a friend to quit the place and head to mia's place again. Once back, she fought tooth and nail to break of. The result? Unsuccessful and she's going back to him. What will she gain? Nothing. What will she lose? Nothing. Why? Coz she has already lost everything.

What will you do in such a situation? Will you say 'Oh, I did not think before marriage?'. Or will you say, 'I do not care what the world says, I do not care about parents, friends. I will do what I think right. I will do what I want.'?

Easy to say. Hard to do. Yes, your right, life is unpredictable.

Anonymous said...

hey sash,

Wonderful post, as always..
Well, first and foremost--marriage is a two way traffic. Sometimes people fall in love with someone and continue loving that same person and comparing every single person whom they meet with that person he is in love with. Neverthless, he cant marry that person, coz his family is not for it. He cannot betray his family, certainly not elope to marry his sweetheart. What should be done in this case? The girl was being proposed to, formally by that guy and then later,due to parental pressures the guy did not stick it out! Know ths guy is sissy, but the girl now finds it HARD to let go off that affair and MOVE ON!! Can one actually 'move on'??
--Mystic Mauve

virdi said...

the word count is at 1186...

word was: cvbpwyv (thu!! boring!!)

V..

oxymoron said...

its all a matter of timing! and getting it right is the most difficult thing!
most ppl dont realize they love somebody so dearly, until they realize that they might lose the person forever to someone! such things happen when you haven't told your beloved that you love her/him; and then when he/she is going to get married it strikes you... absolutely bad timing... but better late than never! you just cant help it!
but you got to draw the line somewhr! you cant go DCH style infront of the all the guests, and say i love your fiancee - abso - damn - lutely ridiculous! if you miss the bus, live with it, do not make a mockery of everyone involved!

Sayesha said...

#Sahil,

Well, since Shalini did not say otherwise, I think it was perfectly normal for Rohit to decide to go ahead with the wedding. She should have told him the moment she realised she was in love with Akash.

//But that's what happens jabh mohabbat ho jaati hai.

Aha! What authority. Toh is aag ke dariya mein doob chuke hain huzoor? :)

//Par jabh mohabbat hoti hai, and u're so sure of something that everything else seems irrelevant - then anything can happen.

I couldn't agree more!

ps: You should really see Yuva. The only movie where Kareena Kapoor is not just tolerable, but actually good. The whole Kareena-Vivek angle of the movie is so naturally done, I love it!

#Priya,
I know what you mean. He has that kinda presence, to just steal the girl away. And we cheer for him! :)

#Justme,
//i think just coz a guy is an MCP like rohit doesnt justify someone walking out on him on d day before his marriage..!!

You have a point.

#Anon,
You're right. We can sit and plan all we want, but life has weird ways of totally taking us by surprise.

#Mystic Mauve,
I know lots of people who could not get married to the one they wanted to, because of family pressure. But it hurts me to know that there are people out there who're married to people they don't love :(

#Virdi,
Thanks. That was very insightful.

#Oxymoron,
Agree with every word you said!

V said...

Quite Aptly put.

Boy, oh boy, don't I love your last line?
Don’t wait till the wedding.

Awesome post!
Yay!
:-p

viv said...

Interesting post!

This leaves me confused about the meaning/purpose of marriage. We meet people all the time. And we could meet one of our soul mates at any point in time. It's sad if someone meets a soulmate after they're married and feels they would have been better off with him/her than their spouse, but can't do anything about it. At the same time, it isn't fair to the spouse either.

Does that mean that a live-in relationship (pseudo-marriage) is better in that it doesn't bind one to another in the manner that marriage does, but gives the couple the freedom to be 'married' while they are still in love?

I don't know... I'm just confused :S

Sometimes, your posts make me think too much :P

Starbreez said...

I suspect another way of perceving this issue in at least three of the movies listed (KKHH, DTPH and DCH) is how the female characters did not remain true to their hearts (sorry for being cheesy), though they tried to be true to their beliefs, culture, duties, others' expectations, etc.

Anjali in KKHH got married cos (paraphrasing her own words, not mine) a girl's gotta do so someday (I suspect she'd buried her heart along with her past, and just tried to do whatever it took to get on with her life -- eight years on!), and in any case had to be persuaded with the utmost effort by a very very nice guy. Pooja in DTPH agreed to marry Ajay in a moment of self-doubt (betraying her own views on love in the process), and couldn't bring herself to back out as she felt beholden to the family who took her in when she had no one left. Ditto Shalini in DCH for the latter reason.

This is all apart from whether the groom is an undesirable piece of work. The onus is really on the parties to the business (i.e. the would-be husband and wife) to not begin a lifelong commitment based on a known lie. Or worse, lies. How far can you trust intuition? How far can you trust what you think you know about a person? How far can you compromise till some way down the line, you lose your self-respect, your respect for love and life, and whatever you thought was you? Not lost irrevocably, I hope, but lost all the same.

Pradyot said...

I think one should go with brains, rather than with hearts... after all brain is a more evolved organ.
Anyways, I think that faced with such a dilemma the girl should let know the other guy that he likes him... instead of curbing her feelings and making it embarrassing at the last marriage moment. All this can -and should- be avoided by making once's stand clear.... absolutely clear.

Anonymous said...

starbreez i echo ur sentiments exactly! and very much agree with you... this would leave us to wonder whether there is any truth in what's often said in a lot of our fav. desi movies 'Shaadi ek samjautaa hai' (Marriage IS compromise).

but again, it doesn't answer the very apt question you ask - how far do you compromise til one day you're no longer yourself or the 'you' whose existence you have nurtured all these years ceases to exist?

It may sound silly but once upon a time, I used to hold beliefs similar to the character puja in DTPH. That was my concept of love and marriage. I still do (well, my other 'half' in my split personality does) sometimes feel the pull of those feelings and beliefs. And the only response that side of me can fathom at your question is: if you're in love, you're no longer interested in who you are or what sacrifices you make. Coz to you, EVERYthing is about your other half.

So is it that we have never truly loved if we are so accutely aware of our diminishing existence?

Sahil said...

Heavy thoughts people. And some very intelligent thoughts Starbreez. I'm impressed.

Each person has his own situation and things to deal with. Anjali, having waited 8 years finally had to cave in to pressure and jumped on the marriage wagon. In the world we live in (and more so in the Indian community) upto a certain age you can hold off marriage. But once you pass 30 - its something you really will have a helluva problem trying to avoid. And if you haven't met ur Mr. Right or Mrs. Right by then, you may have to find yourself compromising.

This may involve you marrying someone you're not 100% sure about. But then u can't spend your whole life waiting around for that magic person to show up - coz it just may never happen. And at the end of the day, the important thing is that you love whole-heartedly the person u're married to. He or she may not be u're soulmate, as I think finding u're soulmate is a very very rare occurance. But it doesn't mean you will not love him/her. It may not be the type of love (mohabbat I call it), that you once dreamed about. But then, love grows with time and understanding.

'Just be with someone who can make u laugh.' That's really very important. Cheers Sayesha.

Sayesha said...

#Te_Quil_a,
Thanks :)

#Viv,
//Sometimes, your posts make me think too much :P

I know what you mean yaar. Sometimes, my posts make me think too much! :O

#Starbreez,
May I echo what Sahil said about your delightful and insightful thoughts! :)

#Pradyot,
Yeah, that's the ideal scenario. To say it before any damage is done. But life has a way of turning the tables on us, leaving us amazed and bewildered...

#Anon,
Interesting point about the 'shaadi being samjhauta'. I wonder -- if you know it is indeed going to be a samjhauta, why get into it? Is it so wrong to stay single and happy, rather than married and unahppy?

#Sahil,
You're right. One can't wait forever for the magic person to appear. But the point of my post is -- what if you're about to get married to someone you're 80% sure about, when your magic person appears? What would you sacrifice? The one whom you committed to, or the one you were meant to be with? Whom would you pick -- your pyaar or your mohabbat?

ps: I believe that's the only sensible thing Mr. Big said in SATC, "At the end of the day, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh."

Cheers Sahil.

viv said...

// And if you haven't met ur Mr. Right or ***Mrs.*** Right by then, you may have to find yourself compromising.

Hahahaha! Sahil, not all men are looking to marry married women :D Ok ok, I know what you meant, but I just found it funny :)

This has been a thread heavy on the grey cells. Good stuff.

rimjhim said...

nicely put up thoughts Sayesha..very true and realistic..and practical( as your posts always are :-))

But on a second thought..is it not better to stop a marriage at the last moment..than to take a divorce or having an extramarital affair!!!!

U know Sayesha...i ve seen divorce happening befor my very eyes..and its much more difficult to handle this painful thing..than to stop a marriage at last moment.

True that final step should be taken before atleast cards have been printed..But "Better late than never " holds good. isnt it??

ritzkini said...

oh no...dont agree with that one..think i liked what "lady-killer" deepak kumar did for his wedding in "dil hai ke manta nahin"-fly in via chopper !
;-)
and pooja bhatt(ms.bomb in person !) decides to do an elope and daddy anupam kher going "meri beti bhaag gayi !! meri beti bhaag gayi !!"
:-)
agree with the "if in love,do something about it..." but beleive in the "hold ur peace forever" bit...and not "chalo,shaadi todte hain !bahut mazaa aayega !!"
"If it aint gonna happen,it aint gonna happen !"

feelin_scared said...

but do u suggest going to a girl who doesnt even knows little of u and propose her??

Sahil said...

Sayesha,

If you're marrying someone you're 80% sure of, and have already MADE your decision to marry him - then even if Mr. Right comes along, u've already made you're decision and you should keep ur distance from the new guy. You can still control the situation. But if u've met Mr. Right before, and THEN due to circumstance or what not, u decide to marry someone else... that's when complications arise. Especially if right before the wedding those 'circumstances' no longer hold true, and Mr. Right wants to get together with you. Basically, once you've made your decision to marry someone you have to be wholeheartedly committed to them. So decide wisely.

Viv,

That was quite funny, wasn't it? Can I help it if i'm a funny guy?

Feelin_scared,

Don't go to a girl who doesnt know you and PROPOSE to her! don't jump the gun mate! Show you have an interest in her, and take it from there - if u propose to her right away, SHE will be the one 'feeling scared'!

Kroopa Shah (Kr00pz) said...

Thats wrong wrong wrong. I think if he didn't do something until the last moment and is that desperate, he is probably not worth it.

ahaan said...

Seriously , running before marriage is aweful....One thing i dont understand is that if these guys(who run just before marriage)have so much courage to run like this y cant they get some courage to control things in time ....And y all this humilation for there family members.....

One thing more that they fail to understand is that marriage is not bonding of 2 people rather it is bonding of 2 families ..

Anyways i personally feel that these guys lack maturity .....By the will someone tell me how many % of these marriages work ....

Sayesha said...

#Viv,
How dare you make fun of Sahil on my blog??!!
Only I have that haq. :)

#Rinku,
If you've agreed to the marriage, I suppose you have to go through it. Marriage is a big thing and too many people and issues are involved. What I meant to say is that don't take it all the way to the altar and then change your mind.
ps: My posts are practical?? I think not, man!

#Tarzan,
Jungle mein rehke buddhi bhrasht ho gayi hai lagta hai! Arre wohi toh I'm saying -- ki shaadi mat todo! Don't wait all the way till the wedding date and then step back!

#Feelin-scared,
Nahin re... if the girl's gonna get married and she doesn't even know you, she won't even consider if you go and tell her what you feel. I am talking about a situation where the girl and the guy know (and possibly love) each other. In that situation, maybe you should do something, but way before the wedding. Please.

#Sahil,
"Made your decision". How do we define that? The courtship? The proposal? The engagement? It's all in theory... we don't know what turns life will eventually take and baffle us... which is why I said I am lost. I have no answers.

Mohabbat palkon pe kitne haseen khwaab sajaati hai...
Phoolon se mehekte khwaab...
Sitaaron se jagmagaate khwaab...
Shabnam se baraste khwaab...
Phir kabhi yun bhi hota hai ki palkon ki daaliyon se...
Khwaabon ke saare parinde ud jaate hain...
Aur aankhen hairan si reh jaati hain...


#Kroopa,
Perhaps you're right. Perhaps that thought would also help one to settle down in the new life.

Sahil said...

> How dare you make fun of Sahil on my blog??!!
> Only I have that haq. :)


Wow, itna possessive ho humare liye? Kya baat hai :P

Sayesha said...

#Sahil,

//Wow, itna possessive ho humare liye?

Haan. Hain.

Any problem, officer?