It's not you, it's me

Earlier this year, when two people in the longest relationship that I knew broke up, I was taken aback. Suddenly nothing seemed to make sense. I realised that you may look at 'two people in love' with absolute awe and think how perfect they are together, and the next thing you know, they're walking separate ways, and you stand there bewildered, wondering what just happened in front of your eyes. I realised that these 'people in love' themselves can make all the plans they want, and believe that they have found their soulmate, and think that they're gonna live happily ever after, but in the end, what happens can leave them astonished and disoriented.

Human relationships are as complex as human feelings. What you feel for a person today may not be what you feel for him/her tomorrow. And yet somehow, I wonder if we can simply blame ourselves for it. What we feel is what we feel. Because that's the way it is. That's the way we are.

A year ago, I wouldn't have touched the topic of break-ups with a barge pole. To me, it was taboo to talk about it, to think about it, to even be in its vicinity. But then I have seen enough number of break-ups to have a more mature standpoint on it now.

The reasons why two people who were so in love once upon a time can break up, can be so many that it's mind-boggling. Here are just a few of the not-so-straightforward ones:

• You're going out with person X. You realise that person Y is closer to you than X. You realise it's probably not fair to X that someone else is closer to you. You break up with X and get together with Y.
• You realise that person Y is closer to you than X. You realise it's probably not fair to X that someone else is closer to you. You break up with X. But you don't get together with Y.
• You were never going out with X. Just that one day you woke up and realised it.
• You are way older than X. X seems like a kid at times. You don't see yourself living your entire life with X. You break up.
• You are way younger than X. Sometimes you don't find anything in common with X. You don't see yourself living your entire life with X. You break up.
• You have been together with X for many years now. When you wanted to get married, X did not. Now X wants to, and you don't want to be 'the person who waited around to be proposed to'. You waited for the proposal, and got your vengeance by breaking up.
• You have been going out with X for over a decade. You wake up one day and ask yourself why. You break up.
• X does something that changes the person you thought X to be. You break up.
• You do something that changes the person X thought you to be. You break up.
• You run out of conversations with X. You break up.
• X does not let you want to be the person you are. You break up.
• You don't want X to be the person X wants to be. You break up.
• You and X never knew where the relationship was going. And now you know. Nowhere. You break up.

These are just a few that I have witnessed. The actual number of reasons (if at all there is one) is probably as complex as human nature.

Every second of the day, someone somewhere is breaking up. And others are judging them. They are taking sides. They are curious, "Hey, those two broke up?? What happened man??"

Does it really matter "what happened?"?

"What happened" is merely a story put forward to the curious public by the PR agencies (read close friends) of the respective parties. Because "what really happened" is something only the two people who broke up will understand. If they're lucky that is. Others will never get it. They can only try and speculate whom they can brand as 'the bad person'. Because branding one of the parties as the 'bad person' makes it easier for others to 'understand what happened and why', provides them with a certain 'closure'.

But maybe, just maybe, there was no 'bad person'. Maybe it was just two 'good persons' who realised they were not meant to be together.

The negativity associated with break-ups is what makes the topic taboo. Break-ups are not all bad. They are painful, yes, but they prepare us better for our lives ahead. And they help us make choices for our lives.

When two people break up, their common friends have a tough time. I have noticed that generally, guys tend to be able to hold the 'neutral friend' role much better than girls. Girls tend to pick a side and stick to it. Brand the other person as the 'bad one'.

When we go through a break-up, we don't need anyone to tell us that X was a bad person. We don't need anyone to pass judgement on the relationship or on the people involved. We don't need sappy idealistic views like "These things happen in life." or "X is the bad person." or "I told you you should have never gone out with him/her!"

We're hurting on the inside. And we don't need to hear this shit at that point.

At that point, irrespective of what happened or whose fault it was, all we need is our friends around us to love us for who we are.

And perhaps, to tell us that X did not deserve us.