The unpublishables

Remember the time when you were very young and you used to find certain jokes gut-burstingly funny? You'd run to tell the joke to your Mom, Dad, your elder siblings and they would go 'Huh'?

Heart-breaking, wasn't it?

Now I see the other side.

One of the best things about my job is the fanmail from the kids for our science magazine. The mail is categorised into many sections. Firstly, there's the contest entries, many of which are cutouts of the magazine pages (although we do allow photocopies). Sometimes we get really cute requests like "Dear editor, if I don't win a prize, could you return my entry? Because I want the page on the reverse side back." Then there are the questions, the feedback, the jokes, the drawings. And then there's the category of letters from the kids which I like to refer to as 'The unpublishables'.

There are many reasons why we can't publish certain letters. Some letters have really pathetic jokes, some do not make any sense, some are too gross, some are rude, some insult their teachers, some are facts that are too unscientific to go into a science mag, some have racist jokes, and some just make us go "Errr...."

Banana and I often spend time trying to decipher what the kid exactly meant, but most of the time, we're unsuccessful. Sometimes the kids even add their own laugh tracks at the end of their jokes.

The number of letters we get is quite a lot, which is why we have no choice but to filter out the 'unpublishables'. It's a heart-breaking task, but someone's gotta do it. I have been maintaining the 'Unpublishables' files for about three years now, even though I know these letters will not find any use anywhere.

And that's when I had an idea - to put up the unpublishables here on my blog, so they are published somewhere at least.

To protect the identities of the kids, I'll only include their initials and ages.

And oh, sic applies to all the letters.

Enjoy the priceless gems.

===================================

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am so sad
That my eyes are so red.
- Anonymous

If I could live one day of my life as someone else, I would like to be my teacher Mrs. H (nice name). I could cane everyone's butts. Lessons will only be reading "I need to improve in my work." for the whole day. I will ask all the girls (not the boys) pull their ears outside the classroom. Oh no! I'm changing back to my normal self. Bye!
- B.G. (9)

Kick the table
Kick the chair
Kick the principal
If you dare.
- J.K.

A boy spoke Singlish to his mother. "Where is your grammar?" Mother asked.
"In the front hall watching television." (Grandma?)
- H.K. (11)

What do you call a cow going home?
A cow walking backwards!
- Anonymous

April's fool
Go to school
Tell your teacher she's a fool
Teacher scold you, you don't cry.
Pack your bag and say bye bye.
- J.K.

Q: Why does the Indian girl hates to eat dark chocolate?
A: Because they always eat their finger instead.
- T.P.Y. (12)

Dad, when did you go to Egypt?
What made you think that I went there?
That must be where you brought Mummy from.
- T.L. (10)

What walks on four in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?
A man.
-S.N. (9)

What did the car exhaust say to the motorcycle exhaust?
You sure look exhausted!
- N.Y. (10)

Boogers are green
A clog is a shoe
Turkeys are dumb
Your family is too.
- L.W.L. (12)

Did you hear about the very well-behaved little boy? Whenever he was especially good, his dad would give him a dollar and three pats on his head. By the time he was 16, he had 1600 dollars in his bank, but he was only 90 cm tall!
- E.C. (12+)

Why does a rocket go up?
There is no space to go down.
-G.T. (11)

How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off its tail, it will be de-lighted.
- E.T. (9)

Birds are chirping
Bell are ringing
I am waiting
For your wedding
- L.W.L. (12)

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your enemy out
and watch the way he scream
-L.R.X. (9)

Weasels are brown
You need a shampoo
Diapers are stinky
I believe this is true.
- L.W.L. (12)

Nothing mash (much?).
- Anonymous

What do you get when you add 1 homework assignment and 1 homework assignment?
2 much homework
- Z.R. (10)

On which days are we always thirsty?
Thursday
- Anonymous

What do you get if I threw a block of butter out of the window?
Butterfly
- A.O.

Daisy Duck is pretty
But Donald Duck is ugly
What do they make together?
Answer: Pretty ugly
Ha ha!
- S.G. (10)

How do you know when you're growing up?
When you discover hair in different places.
- T.H.L. (11)

Which animal has a head like a dog, and a tail like a dog but is not a dog?
A puppy
- G.T.L. (10)

What were Batman and Robin called after they were run over by a steam roller?
Flatman and Ribbon
- D.L. (10)

Which country has the most germs?
Germany
- C.C.E. (11)

What happened when the boy sat on a pin?
Nothing - it was a safety pin.
- M.E. (10)

Happy birthday to you
You are born in the zoo
You look like a monkey
And smell like one too

Happy birthday to you
You are one hundred and two
And you are still wearing diapers
How shameful of you.
- M.C. (12)

Why did the maid jump into the sea?
She wanted to meet her sister the mer-maid.
- H.Y.M. (10)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
Teddys are cute
And so are you!!!
- T.Y.L. (11)

What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Elastic, because it stretches
- T.Y.L. (11)

How can a framer eat an egg everyday if he doesn't have any hens?
He can eat his ducks' eggs.
- J.L. (9)

Which famous king ruled the vegetable empire?
Caesar salad
- R.L. (11)

What is a giraffe?
An animal that was hung on a tree by its head when it was born.
(Please help me find the picture I can't find it. Thanks and help me correct my mistakes.)
- T.M.S. (40) (sic)

What will you get if you put a white man between two black men?
Oreo
- L.Y.Y.

Why did the piglet look in the toilet bowl?
It was looking for pooh.
- S.L. (9)

The princess hate the pea so it pee on the pea.
- F.Y. (11)

Why is the water in the reservoir blue?
Its mother is the blue sky.
- F.Y. (11)

Who wears a pink dress and it is grey in colour?
Cinderelephant
- W.C. (7)

Acrostic poem
Yellow is my favourite colour
Irritates my brother
Naughty at home
Grumbling at my mother sometimes
Helping teachers always
Unless I am sick
I will always be there for you!! :)
- C.Y.H.

Why are birds poor?
Because money don't grow on tree.
- J. (12)

Will you remember me in
one day time?
Will you remember me in
one year time?
Will you remember me in
three years time?
Will you remember me in
ten years time?
Knock knock
Who's there?
See you can't remember me.
- L.M. (11)

Customer: How much does a bottle of Coke cost?
Shopkeeper: $2.50.
Customer: How about a drop of Coke?
Shopkeeper: Oh, it is free!
Customer: Then fill a bottle with drops of Coke?
- C.P.X. (10)

Teacher: Joel, recite the alphabets.
Joel: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher: Good! But where's the P?
Joel: It went down my pants!
- N.X.Y. (10)

When we look up
It's the sun
When we look down
It's the ocean
When we look front
It's the goat
When we look back
It's the sheep!
- L.A.Q. (9)

The human brain does not have a brain because it is the brain itself. :P
ps: Don't mention my school and my age pls!!!! Plz!! I beg you!
- C. (age withheld on request)

Why do people do not like to have fire in their office?
They do not want to be fired!
- C.C. (9)

Farmer A sells chickens.
Farmer B sells eggs.
What Farmer C sells?
Answer: Medicine
(Because Farmer C = pharmacy)
- Anonymous

Teacher: John, can you form a sentence using the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'?
John: Defeat of deduct went over defence before detail. (The feet of the duck went over the fence before the tail.)
- I.L. (9)

This picture is my class. I everyday stay back and sweet the floor. So I draw this picture. I hope I can win the prize. I do all the things. And I do until 10:30 p.m.
- L.W.K.

ABC
CID
Police catch you
I happy.
- J.K.

The king destroyed the world
The queen destroyed the town
But I destroy your book
By writing upside down.
- J.K.


Why was the computer sad?
It had hardware, software, but no underwear.
- Anonymous

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I thought I was ugly
Until I saw you.
- J.K.

Craving for more? You can find them here, here and here. And if you still haven't had enough, there's more here and here.