Fan? Naah!

Warning - If you're one of 'em 'gonna watch Fanaa no matter what' types, I suggest you click the little cross on the top right of this page at once.

Fanaa.

Means 'destroyed. 'Destroyed in love' to be precise.

Well, the movie did not seem to have much of the 'love' aspect, but the disastrous plot full of ridiculous coincidences truly destroyed the movie. After her review on Banaras, Sayesha Smitten the showbiz kitten is back to list how Fanaa methodically destroyed her senses last night.

• Kajol, contrary to the hype, does NOT look good. Okay fine, her face looks good, but what's with the paunch-revealing costumes, especially in the second half? This movie actually justifies why hindi movie heroines (should?) stick to the household after they get married and have kids. After the first half, you actually start wishing Kajol's part was played by her very hot friend Bobo instead.

• Rule of thumb - No heroine with a paunch, no matter how talented and popular, should ever be allowed to sing and get wet in the rain in front of the camera.

• The so-called 'dependable' Aamir Khan proves once again after Mangal Pandey that it's high time he retires from mainstream cinema. His character is so utterly unbelievable that you rub your eyes in disbelief. Which Delhi tour guide would dare to freely touch and hug the girls he's taking site-seeing?

• Kajol keeps spouting idealism about how "Dad says we should... blah blah.." and "Mom says we should... blah blah...". Wonder which of her parents taught her the "Blind girls with high morals should have sex with tour guides."

• Dumb moves by the blind girl such as trying to cross the busy road, the reasoning being, "I wanted to impress you just like how girls and guys try to impress each other on the first date." Sheesh.

• If Aamir looks 40 in the movie, his grandpa, shown hale and hearty, living in harsh conditions in the snow, must be at least a 100 eh?

• The complete lack of chemistry between the lead actors. You just don't see any reason why they would fall in love with each other so madly.

• Now and then, Rishi Kapoor and Kirron Kher nostagically recollect how they met. Dude, no one cares. Not even if you plonk a photoshopped picture of Rishi Kapoor and Kirron Kher from their ye olde days in the centre of the frame for a full ten minutes.

• I have actually started disliking the songs I was in love with, after watching their picturisation.

• Tabu, who I seriously think was better off in her red tights running on the roads after Ajay Devgan, singing 'Ruk ruk ruk' in her Vijaypath days than the moronic role she has in this movie. Two roles actually - one of the mother who's trying to convince her hapless kid into having 'kheer made by grandma' over the phone, and other of the 'psychological specialist' Tyagi who sporadically gasps "That is him! Oh my God!" throughout the movie.

• What an utter waste of the gorgeous Lara Dutta who appears in a 15-second cameo. An 'aisa jadu' type item number by her would have been so welcome.

• Shiney Ahuja. Poor Shiney Ahuja. One would think he would have offers pouring in after 'Hazaaron khwahishen aisi' and 'Gangster'. I wonder what made him accept the script that listed his part as follows: 'Play football. Answer call. Drink tea. Die.'

• Rishi Kapoor's body makes an arduous journey through icy waters and floats under the ice right where Kajol is standing. Someone ask Kunal Kohli what he was thinking.

• Just when I thought the 'refers to himself in the third person' Rehan junior was the saving grace of the movie with his adorable version of the national anthem (watch out for that - it was the only scene worth my ten-dollar ticket), he suddenly broke into very mature statements, which even adults won't make.

• Even Rahul Dravid would wince when Aamir says as the kid implores him to stay, "Main Rahul Dravid ki tarah dependable nahin hoon, mujhpar bharosa nahin kiya ja sakta."

• The highly cliched stupidity with which the whole 'Kajol regains her eyesight' was scripted and executed. Aamir using the rose petals dipped in the 'barkat wala pani' to touch her eyelids, the post-operative three giant white flashes before Kajol immediately starts seeing again, and not to mention the painful, "Ammi, main dekh sakti hoon! Abba, main dekh sakti hoon!"

• How dare they flick the 'Yara yara' tune from Hum Tum and make a stupid tongue-twister song out of it? What were they thinking - we will continue to recycle this tune till it finally becomes a hit?

• Stupid stupid stupid dialogues with annoying repeats of phrases ("Khuda haafiz beta, khuda haafiz" and "main tumse bahut pyaar karta hoon, bahut pyaar karta hoon." and "tum mujhe dubara chhodkar nahin ja sakte, nahin ja sakte") and sometimes entire dialogues too, that may have worked in the 70s, but are so off now, that at one point in time, I turned to my friend and said, "If the chap says 'Rehan aapse jitna pyaar karna hai, aap Rehan se utna pyaar nahin karti." one more time, I will throw my shoe at the screen.

It's amazing how much I hated the movie considering that I am the first to jump to the defence of Bollywood when someone says, "That never happens in real life!" I guess it's because there is such a thing as the ability to pull off scenes and dialogues that seem too unreal and incredible to happen in real life.

DDLJ pulled it off. Fanaa did not.

Luckily for me, yesterday's movie watching experience had one saving grace, that made it worth it.

The alu paratha stall at level 1 of Jade theatre.