Banaras - A 'mistake' love story

So I just got back from a hindi movie. On the way to the movie, my friends and I were discussing what each thought was the funniest movie ever. Hera Pheri was mentioned, and so was Munnabhai.

But what we did not know was that one of the funniest movies ever was the movie we were going to watch.


Banaras - a mystic love story

My friend, conned by the Indiafm review, had told me "The review says it's very different and a very good movie." I, in turn, told my other friends the same thing, except that I added two more 'very's before her 'very'. So there we were, very excited to go and watch the very different movie.

And oh boy, did we laugh.

So here it is, my review of this remarkably made film.

Sayesha Smitten, showbiz kitten, brings you all the gupshup that was part of the 'Making of Banaras'.

One evening, Pankuj Parashar closed his eyes and did a random digit dialling using the actors' directory. He invited them to his house to discuss a proposal.

Pankuj - Hi, everyone!

Urmila, Ashmit, Raj, Dimple, Naseer - Hi, Pankuj!

Pankuj - Do you know why I called you here? I'm making a new movie!!! Do you guys remember any of my previous movies?

Urmila - Oooh! VinodKhannaputra?? Errr.. I mean Himalayaputra?

Ashmit - I have one I have one! Tumko na bhool payenge! Us movie ko hum na bhool payenge!

Naseer - And do you guys remember the movie called 'Rajkumar' in which Madhuri Dixit was cast as Rajkumari Vishakha?

Raj - Hey, what about Aasman se gira?? I loved it. And it has a rating of 10 on IMDB, okay?

Pankuj - Yes, so as you can tell, I have made some very unforgettable movies in the past. And I have called all of you here to discuss my latest project!

(Everyone nods in agreement.)

Pankuj - Errr... these days, everyone wants to make a hatke ("different") film. And these days, there are so many good movies around, that if we want to make a "hatke" film, it must be.... (pauses for effect)

Urmila (raises her hand) - Oh I know! A BAD movie!!!!

Pankuj - Correct! Our movie will be so hatke, sooooo hatke, that the audience will get jhatke!

Urmila - Sounds good. I will make all the reviewers who say I'm a good actress, change their mind! So what's the plan?

Pankuj - Well, this is going to be a team effort. I can't make a bad movie by myself. (Actually I can.) So we must all work as a team and make this the worst movie possible!

(Pankuj hands everyone the script)

Pankuj - Okay, so the story is about a high-caste girl in love with a low-caste boy against the Banaras backdrop. We will add some mysticism here and there, and you guys can all pitch in the scriptwriting since I can't afford a scriptwriter.

Naseer - Great! I think I will completely undo all the good work I did in 'Iqbal' by working on this script.

Ashmit - Amazing! I was just thinking of this yesterday! Since I don't have much of a career, or a reputation either, especially after my MMS scandal, I think I can help change the views of people who think my sister Amisha is a bad actress. I will outdo her! I can so outdo her!

Pankuj - Excellent! What about the others?

Raj - I'm old and tired. Can I just play an old and tired father? I promise to be really bad at it though.

Naseer - Great! And I can play the baba and wear long flowing costumes!

Dimple - Okay, can I not play the heroine's mother for a change?

Urmila - Of course you have to! Otherwise I'd have to play your mother!

Pankuj - Errr... She's right, Dimple...

(Urmila grins.)

Dimple (turns green) - But the backfrop is Banaras, so I guess she will have to wear only saris and salwar kameezes?

(Dimple grins.)

Urmila - Hahahahaha! Good one, Dimple! Me fully clothed?? Hahahahaha!

Pankuj - Errr... Dimple's right...

Urmila - Okay, bye Pankuj!

Pankuj - Darn, I knew this would happen. Okay Urmila, come back, I'll throw in a skirt and a top in one of the scenes.

(Urmila pauses at the door.)

Pankuj - But the skirt has to be ankle length.

(Urmila ponders.)

Urmila - Hmmm... is the top sleeveless?

Pankuj - Sigh... okay fine...

(Urmila comes back. Dimple curses under her breath.)

Pankuj - So where was I? Oh yeah, hatke. You must have noticed that new movies use a lot of English words in order to make the new generation identify with the story. Since our movie is hatke, we won't have English phrases.. we will have Sanskritised Hindi instead...

Ashmit - Oh! The kind that no one speaks anymore?

Raj - Oooh! Like "kshama" and "ghruna" and "manasik stithi" and "paschaataap"?

Pankuj - Egg-jactly. You must sound like Doordarshan news at all times. Raj, you can write the dialogues, since you're from the ancient days. And also because I don't have a screenplay writer.

Naseer - Hey, I'm feeling rather neglected. Can I suddenly appear on a ghoda at this point in time?

Pankuj - By all means, if you can arrange for your own ghoda.

Naseer - Okay done.

Dimple - Wow, you get a ghoda... guess I can't ride a ghoda in a sari.. So what about me? Do I have any 'moments'?

Pankuj - Ah! You remember the 'Crowning glory' soap ad you used to appear in, twenty years ago? The one where you were bathing in the open sea and looking very very sexy?

Dimple (excited) - Yes yes??

Pankuj - Well, you get to do something similar, just that this time you will be sixty years old, old and wrinkly, and you will be entering the water to kill yourself.

Dimple - What??? I die in the movie???

Pankuj - Well, technically, Raj dies first...

Raj - I die???????

Pankuj - Well, Ashmit dies even before you... so...

Ashmit - I DIE??????

Pankuj - Errr... if it's any consolation, Naseer dies first...

Naseer - WHAT??? I DIE??? For all these years of my friendship...
(Naseer goes to a corner and sobs.)

Pankuj - Hey wait, you're dead, but your ghost appears every now and then in the movie...

Ashmit - Hey, what about my ghost???

Raj - And mine???

Dimple - And mine???

Pankuj - Sheesh. Okay fine, I'll bring back one person from the dead. Dimple!

Dimple - Phew!

Pankuj - And oh, if we say "Kyunki yeh Banaras hai" enough number of times in the movie, perhaps the Banaras tourism board will give us tax relief! So say it whenever you can. Forget the script.

Urmila - Oooh, I love this line "Jo saral hai, sahaj hai, wohi satya hai."

Pankuj - Yes. Kyunki baaki sab samajh mein nahin aata hai.

Ashmit - Hey, so what do I do before I die?

Pankuj - Errr... you patao Urmila... but pretend as if you're beyond all this... as if you're this very spiritual guy who only talks to Baba...

Ashmit - On his ghoda?

Naseer - No, you moron! Ghoda only once! Keep to the budget!

Ashmit - Okay okay, so I am a hatke lover... hmmm.. maybe I should give her a plant instead of flowers?

Pankuj - Yeah, a plant sounds good. Very hatke.

Ashmit - Oh maybe I should give her a plant that reproduces by vegetative propagation! Very very hatke!

Naseer - Ullu, it says here in the script that I am supposed to give you a seed and you grow the plant out of it!

Ashmit (sulking) - Well, it's hatke, isn't it?

Pankuj - Brilliant! Yes, we'll use your vegetative propagation idea then!

Ashmit - And oh, do I get to say 'I love you' in the movie? My last director said I really need to work on that aspect of my acting.

Pankuj - Well, ordinarily I wouldn't allow any english words, but since this is a special request.. go ahead.

Urmila - And I will say "Uske woh teen shabd kewal shabd nahin they, teen lok they" and I will say "lok" like "log" and confuse everyone as to who the three people are! Then we can make a sequel!

Pankuj - A sequel! Interesting...

Urmila - Hey, what's my name in the movie??

Pankuj - Shweta.

Urmila - What? That's it? Shweta?? How come Madhuri was Rajkumari Vishakha?? I want a long unpronounceable name too!

(Urmila sulks.)

Pankuj - Okay fine. How's Shwetambari?

Urmila - Yeah, better. But what does it mean?

Pankuj - I dunno. Raj?

Raj - It means 'one who wears white clothes'.

Ashmit - What?! Hey, but I die only later!! Why is she wearing white clothes before my death???

Urmila - White clothes??? You mean like my 'Tanha tanha' camisole from Rangeela? Nice!

Ashmit - No, you moron! He means the white sari that widows wear...

Urmila - WHAT?? Errr... Pankuj, can Ashmit die a bit later? Maybe you could throw in a few more songs before his death?

Pankuj - Yes yes, he won't die so soon. And you will get to wear colourful clothes too. And I'll try and add in a holi song too for some more colour!

Ashmit - Hey, it says I'm a singer! Oooh, can I be like a punk rockstar with long hair and all that?

Pankuj - Errr... no, you're an Indian classical singer.

Ashmit - WHAT? But I grew my hair so long....

Pankuj - Okay fine... you can keep it long, but get rid of the silly perm... I want it straight and long... a bit like Salman's in 'Tere naam' but you'll look more washed than him.

Ashmit (delighted) - Because I get to dip in the Ganges every few minutes? And show off my topless bod?

Pankuj - Errr... no.

Ashmit - Huh? Isn't that why we're shooting in Banaras?

Pankuj - No, you dhakkan. We're shooting in Banaras because it's supposed to be a spiritual movie! So we need more ideas to bring out the spiritual nature of the movie.

Raj - Ah, I see an example here... My dialogue says, "Whoever did this..." and there's nothing after that... very deep, very spiritual... just leaves the audience wondering...

Urmila - Hey, I am very good at acting scared... how about I open a drawer and scream, and I go insane after that... and we don't tell the audience what was it that made me scream?

Pankuj - Sounds good... perhaps that will make people come back to watch it... thinking that they missed what the thing was that you saw.

Ashmit - And in the sequel, we can reveal that it was a cockroach!

Pankuj - Great stuff, guys! I'm so proud of you! This movie's gonna rock. It is SO hatke!

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It surely rocked our world last night. We were laughing so hard, especially at the emotional scenes, that we were almost crying. And we clapped at all the inappropriate places. And everyone else started clapping when we did. :D

It was indeed a very hatke comedy. You guys should totally watch it. Especially if you haven't laughed heartily in a long time.