Saturday, April 08, 2006

Banaras - A 'mistake' love story

So I just got back from a hindi movie. On the way to the movie, my friends and I were discussing what each thought was the funniest movie ever. Hera Pheri was mentioned, and so was Munnabhai.

But what we did not know was that one of the funniest movies ever was the movie we were going to watch.


Banaras - a mystic love story

My friend, conned by the
Indiafm review, had told me "The review says it's very different and a very good movie." I, in turn, told my other friends the same thing, except that I added two more 'very's before her 'very'. So there we were, very excited to go and watch the very different movie.

And oh boy, did we laugh.

So here it is, my review of this remarkably made film.


Sayesha Smitten, showbiz kitten, brings you all the gupshup that was part of the 'Making of Banaras'.

One evening, Pankuj Parashar closed his eyes and did a random digit dialling using the actors' directory. He invited them to his house to discuss a proposal.


Pankuj - Hi, everyone!


Urmila, Ashmit, Raj, Dimple, Naseer - Hi, Pankuj!


Pankuj - Do you know why I called you here? I'm making a new movie!!! Do you guys remember any of my previous movies?


Urmila - Oooh! VinodKhannaputra?? Errr.. I mean Himalayaputra?

Ashmit - I have one I have one! Tumko na bhool payenge! Us movie ko hum na bhool payenge!


Naseer - And do you guys remember the movie called 'Rajkumar' in which Madhuri Dixit was cast as Rajkumari Vishakha?


Raj - Hey, what about Aasman se gira?? I loved it. And it has a rating of 10 on IMDB, okay?


Pankuj - Yes, so as you can tell, I have made some very unforgettable movies in the past. And I have called all of you here to discuss my latest project!


(Everyone nods in agreement.)

Pankuj - Errr... these days, everyone wants to make a hatke ("different") film. And these days, there are so many good movies around, that if we want to make a "hatke" film, it must be.... (pauses for effect)


Urmila (raises her hand) - Oh I know! A BAD movie!!!!

Pankuj - Correct! Our movie will be so hatke, sooooo hatke, that the audience will get jhatke!


Urmila - Sounds good. I will make all the reviewers who say I'm a good actress, change their mind! So what's the plan?


Pankuj - Well, this is going to be a team effort. I can't make a bad movie by myself. (Actually I can.) So we must all work as a team and make this the worst movie possible!


(Pankuj hands everyone the script)

Pankuj - Okay, so the story is about a high-caste girl in love with a low-caste boy against the Banaras backdrop. We will add some mysticism here and there, and you guys can all pitch in the scriptwriting since I can't afford a scriptwriter.

Naseer - Great! I think I will completely undo all the good work I did in 'Iqbal' by working on this script.

Ashmit - Amazing! I was just thinking of this yesterday! Since I don't have much of a career, or a reputation either, especially after my MMS scandal, I think I can help change the views of people who think my sister Amisha is a bad actress. I will outdo her! I can so outdo her!


Pankuj - Excellent! What about the others?


Raj - I'm old and tired. Can I just play an old and tired father? I promise to be really bad at it though.


Naseer - Great! And I can play the baba and wear long flowing costumes!


Dimple - Okay, can I not play the heroine's mother for a change?


Urmila - Of course you have to! Otherwise I'd have to play your mother!

Pankuj - Errr... She's right, Dimple...


(Urmila grins.)


Dimple (turns green) - But the backfrop is Banaras, so I guess she will have to wear only saris and salwar kameezes?


(Dimple grins.)


Urmila - Hahahahaha! Good one, Dimple! Me fully clothed?? Hahahahaha!


Pankuj - Errr... Dimple's right...


Urmila - Okay, bye Pankuj!


Pankuj - Darn, I knew this would happen. Okay Urmila, come back, I'll throw in a skirt and a top in one of the scenes.

(Urmila pauses at the door.)

Pankuj - But the skirt has to be ankle length.


(Urmila ponders.)


Urmila - Hmmm... is the top sleeveless?


Pankuj - Sigh... okay fine...

(Urmila comes back. Dimple curses under her breath.)

Pankuj - So where was I? Oh yeah, hatke. You must have noticed that new movies use a lot of English words in order to make the new generation identify with the story. Since our movie is hatke, we won't have English phrases.. we will have Sanskritised Hindi instead...


Ashmit - Oh! The kind that no one speaks anymore?


Raj - Oooh! Like "kshama" and "ghruna" and "manasik stithi" and "paschaataap"?


Pankuj - Egg-jactly. You must sound like Doordarshan news at all times. Raj, you can write the dialogues, since you're from the ancient days. And also because I don't have a screenplay writer.


Naseer - Hey, I'm feeling rather neglected. Can I suddenly appear on a ghoda at this point in time?

Pankuj - By all means, if you can arrange for your own ghoda.


Naseer - Okay done.


Dimple - Wow, you get a ghoda... guess I can't ride a ghoda in a sari.. So what about me? Do I have any 'moments'?


Pankuj - Ah! You remember the 'Crowning glory' soap ad you used to appear in, twenty years ago? The one where you were bathing in the open sea and looking very very sexy?


Dimple (excited) - Yes yes??


Pankuj - Well, you get to do something similar, just that this time you will be sixty years old, old and wrinkly, and you will be entering the water to kill yourself.


Dimple - What??? I die in the movie???


Pankuj - Well, technically, Raj dies first...


Raj - I die???????


Pankuj - Well, Ashmit dies even before you... so...

Ashmit - I DIE??????


Pankuj - Errr... if it's any consolation, Naseer dies first...


Naseer - WHAT??? I DIE??? For all these years of my friendship...

(Naseer goes to a corner and sobs.)


Pankuj - Hey wait, you're dead, but your ghost appears every now and then in the movie...


Ashmit - Hey, what about my ghost???


Raj - And mine???


Dimple - And mine???


Pankuj - Sheesh. Okay fine, I'll bring back one person from the dead. Dimple!

Dimple - Phew!

Pankuj - And oh, if we say "Kyunki yeh Banaras hai" enough number of times in the movie, perhaps the Banaras tourism board will give us tax relief! So say it whenever you can. Forget the script.


Urmila - Oooh, I love this line "Jo saral hai, sahaj hai, wohi satya hai."


Pankuj - Yes. Kyunki baaki sab samajh mein nahin aata hai.

Ashmit - Hey, so what do I do before I die?

Pankuj - Errr... you patao Urmila... but pretend as if you're beyond all this... as if you're this very spiritual guy who only talks to Baba...

Ashmit - On his ghoda?

Naseer - No, you moron! Ghoda only once! Keep to the budget!

Ashmit - Okay okay, so I am a hatke lover... hmmm.. maybe I should give her a plant instead of flowers?

Pankuj - Yeah, a plant sounds good. Very hatke.

Ashmit - Oh maybe I should give her a plant that reproduces by vegetative propagation! Very very hatke!

Naseer - Ullu, it says here in the script that I am supposed to give you a seed and you grow the plant out of it!

Ashmit (sulking) - Well, it's hatke, isn't it?

Pankuj - Brilliant! Yes, we'll use your vegetative propagation idea then!

Ashmit - And oh, do I get to say 'I love you' in the movie? My last director said I really need to work on that aspect of my acting.

Pankuj - Well, ordinarily I wouldn't allow any english words, but since this is a special request.. go ahead.

Urmila - And I will say "Uske woh teen shabd kewal shabd nahin they, teen lok they" and I will say "lok" like "log" and confuse everyone as to who the three people are! Then we can make a sequel!

Pankuj - A sequel! Interesting...

Urmila - Hey, what's my name in the movie??

Pankuj - Shweta.

Urmila - What? That's it? Shweta?? How come Madhuri was Rajkumari Vishakha?? I want a long unpronounceable name too!

(Urmila sulks.)

Pankuj - Okay fine. How's Shwetambari?

Urmila - Yeah, better. But what does it mean?

Pankuj - I dunno. Raj?

Raj - It means 'one who wears white clothes'.

Ashmit - What?! Hey, but I die only later!! Why is she wearing white clothes before my death???

Urmila - White clothes??? You mean like my 'Tanha tanha' camisole from Rangeela? Nice!

Ashmit - No, you moron! He means the white sari that widows wear...

Urmila - WHAT?? Errr... Pankuj, can Ashmit die a bit later? Maybe you could throw in a few more songs before his death?

Pankuj - Yes yes, he won't die so soon. And you will get to wear colourful clothes too. And I'll try and add in a holi song too for some more colour!


Ashmit - Hey, it says I'm a singer! Oooh, can I be like a punk rockstar with long hair and all that?

Pankuj - Errr... no, you're an Indian classical singer.

Ashmit - WHAT? But I grew my hair so long....

Pankuj - Okay fine... you can keep it long, but get rid of the silly perm... I want it straight and long... a bit like Salman's in 'Tere naam' but you'll look more washed than him.

Ashmit (delighted) - Because I get to dip in the Ganges every few minutes? And show off my topless bod?

Pankuj - Errr... no.

Ashmit - Huh? Isn't that why we're shooting in Banaras?

Pankuj - No, you dhakkan. We're shooting in Banaras because it's supposed to be a spiritual movie! So we need more ideas to bring out the spiritual nature of the movie.

Raj - Ah, I see an example here... My dialogue says, "Whoever did this..." and there's nothing after that... very deep, very spiritual... just leaves the audience wondering...

Urmila - Hey, I am very good at acting scared... how about I open a drawer and scream, and I go insane after that... and we don't tell the audience what was it that made me scream?

Pankuj - Sounds good... perhaps that will make people come back to watch it... thinking that they missed what the thing was that you saw.

Ashmit - And in the sequel, we can reveal that it was a cockroach!

Pankuj - Great stuff, guys! I'm so proud of you! This movie's gonna rock. It is SO hatke!

=============================================

It surely rocked our world last night. We were laughing so hard, especially at the emotional scenes, that we were almost crying. And we clapped at all the inappropriate places. And everyone else started clapping when we did. :D

It was indeed a very hatke comedy. You guys should totally watch it. Especially if you haven't laughed
heartily in a long time.



36 comments:

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

WOW! Luck's smiling on me. Muahahaha. GOLD!!!!!!!! :D

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

Hahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. *The Girl pauses to breathe*. Hahahaha. Hahahaha. This was awesome! Sayesha got creative at almost 2 am. Lol.
And I loved Urmila's nakhras about the dress...haha.
GREAT review, Ms.Sayesha Smitten, showbiz kitten. :P

SILVER!!! W00000000t!!! :D

Anonymous said...

I think you're too nice to pull of sarcasm well..then again, I have not seen the movie yet (and wouldnt want to after this post anyway)

the same anon who took the gold a while back, this time its merely silver.

Lalit Singh said...

yeh kya poori mivie ki transcript utha ke likhh di??
lemme read .. now that i ahve scored third

Anonymous said...

Hey bhgwan main to office me hanste hanste paagal ho jaaongi.... Wonderful job!

Me still laughing....

Unknown said...

hola sayesha!
how u been? i could only skim past all those posts i missed. (steered clear of this bollywood movie post, tho ;))

i took more time to scroll down and see who took the gold, silver and bronze. and found out it was that duniya-ko-bechne-waali.

cha cha. i need to get back into form now. tgwstw, dekh loongi tujhe..

Thanu said...

that is one movie I'm not gonna see, thanks tour review...

I liked the way u wrote abt urmila and clothes and songs.

R said...

:D

Seems The Girl has finally made up for the days when she was offline. :D

Kusum Rohra said...

hheheh, i am going for this movie tommorow :0

Once again i get to be in the top ten commentors :) *unabashed joy*

Anonymous said...

Amazing Coincidence..I was watching this movie last evening too. And as for Banaras - a mystic love story, it was more Banaras - a missing story :) But it was a mood lightener after many months of slogging hard. However, I thought the picturization and the backdrops were brilliant. The sunset scenes, views of Banaras were well picturized. My favourite moment in the film: the introduction of the tourist guide and the baba :)

Shekhar said...

Ha ha..."Sayesha Smitten"..good one.

Awesome post. Had a wonderful time reading this. But..I'm surely not watching Banaras now..*evil grin* no way...

Shekhar said...

Ha ha..."Sayesha Smitten"..good one.

Awesome post. Had a wonderful time reading this. But..I'm surely not watching Banaras now..*evil grin* no way...

Sayesha said...

#World Girl,
Thanks thanks! I had to put everything down before I forgot priceless moments from the movie :D so sacrficed some sleep :P

#Anon,
//I think you're too nice to pull of sarcasm

Hehe... nice way of saying "Your sarcasm sucks", eh? ;) Kidding kidding :P
ps: You're not gonna watch it??? After all the hard work I put into my review?? :/

#Lalit,
Padh liya? Now go see the movie! :D

#Mitthu,
Thanks yaar... the movie is inspirational! It makes you appreciate movies like 'Virodhi'! :D

#Ipanema Gal,
Me doing great! Tu aur teri duniya bechne wali ladki! Ya allah, tum dono ka kya hoga re :D

#Thanu,
Nahin yaar! Dekh le... dekhegi na tabhi mere review ko zyada appreciate kar payegi! :D

#Rohit,
:D

#Kusum,
Yipppeeeeeeee! Finally someone who's gonna watch it!! Bacha tu movie dekhne ke baad phir se mera review padhna! :D

#Naari,
Heyyyy!! Long time yaar! Tu toh gaayab hi ho gayi! Yeah, apparently they showed Banaras to be more beautiful than it actually is. :)

#Shekhar,
//Ha ha..."Sayesha Smitten"..good one.

Hehe... mera original nahin hai re... I flicked it from 'Goodness Gracious Me' - Smeeta Smitten showbiz kitten! :D
ps: Darn, another one decides not to watch it! Ab mera review validate kaun karega?? :(

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

@Ipanema Girl: Muahahaha....haan, aa dekhen zara, kisme kitan hai dum. :P

Anonymous said...

____________________
Pankuj - Errr... if it's any consolation, Naseer dies first...

Naseer - WHAT??? I DIE??? For all these years of my friendship...
(Naseer goes to a corner and sobs.)
____________________
hee hee
will definately watch it as soon as i get a chance!

Shobana said...

LOL! brilliant! damn hilarious! you shoudl do more of this:)

ritzkini said...

Is the female from the old top-ten countdown show on DD "ek se badhkar ek" ??certainly looks like her from the poster..her screen-name was antara..dunno her real one..
She looked sooper-cute !!
If it is,How can you even comment on her movies ! tche tche !!
:(

HOTWINTER said...

Sayesha, 7 days have passed since your last date in the gym. Did your dates join you today at the gym? Im eager to know.

Shekhar said...

Arre koi nahi yaar..have returned home to Calcutta after almost a year. You don't expect me to go for a movie like Banaras of all things, do you? :))

But yes, let me go for Being Cyrus or some other movie tomorrow with my friends and will tell you whether it is worth being reviewed by you or not.

P.S. Yeah, I knew about the Goodness Gracious Me inspiration. In fact, I too am thinking of starting of my own chat show in my building's garage ala Sanjeev of 'Kumar's at No. 42'. What say, will you be my first guest? :))

Sayesha said...

#World Girl,
Tum dono phir se shuru ho gaye? Yeh bar hai bar, akhada nahin! :D Waise all bewdas at Sayeshaz would love to see a catfight... bas dhyaan rakhna... ek bhi glass toota toh tum dono ki khair nahin! :D

#Satish,
Hahaha! Yeah, bahut purani yaari hai un dono ki... tabhi har movie mein he puts Naseer! :D
ps: Glad that you decided to watch it! :)

#Jade,
Thanks yaar! Just experimenting :P

#Ritzkini,
Tera dimaag bilkul pre-school level ka hai... jaise unki books hoti hai na... only pictures and no words?? Tu ab bhi waise hi padhta hai... agar picture dekhne ke baad words bhi padh leta toh you'd have seen that I've mentioned Urmila like a million times! Antara it seems! :D
ps: But I agree, Antara was damn cute! Remember the bai who used to say "Bhoottan logan se baataan nahin karti main!" :D

#Hotwinter,
Haha! I knew someone or the other would remind me about it... coming soon! :)

#Shekhar,
Hey! Today I may go for Cyrus too! :)

//What say, will you be my first guest?

Guest??? Areee... I thought you'd offer me the grandma's role... kya mast character hai... I'd love to play that! :D Okay okay, I'll be the guest in the pilot episode and then I'll be the interesting grandma! :D

Rays Of Sun said...

Hehehehhe..cool..Tanha Tanha camisoule and a white saree...waah re aaj ki naari:) URmila devi ki jay ho:D

Ravi said...

The last time I saw a movie that evoked anti-emotions was Mangal Pandey: The Rising. It took me almost one hour in the movie to change my mindset. Once that was done, the movie became that much more enjoyable. Thanks for this review of Banaras. Now I know what mindset I should watch this movie with.

Abhishek Upadhyay said...

yeh Kya hai,

How you people think of writing these Kahanis....simply loved it. You are Urmila of blogging world.
Just finished your post on chatur char greeting-card-sending-to-Vikram post...Its too big I think you have made a record.

Go on pennin..Yeh Dil maange more..

virdi said...

dont watch Being Cyrus!!!!

Horible it is!!!

V...

Unknown said...

oye sayesha! thanks for dropping in @ my blog with that very meaningful thought. ;)
hmm, hmmm, is about all i can say to it myself now.

btw, post kab karegi??? so i can teach miss TGWSTW a lesson?

remember our little agreement, na?
tgfi

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

@Sayesha:
Hey, no cheating! I swear if you tell her the time at which you're gonna post next, I'll haunt you in your dreams! :P Muahahaha.

Unknown said...

@TGWSTW
hahhaa
oye tune to duniya bech daali. ab tera kya hoga!! and ya, all is fair in love and war, y'know, aur meri-teri jung to blogistan mein amar rahein!

hahahaha i am so impressed at my own bollywood-esque talents. sayesha your bollywood posts are rubbing off man!

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

@Ipanema girl:
Haha, haan, duniya bech dali...jis mein tera Ipanema bhi included hai. :P

Cheers to our jung! :D

Sayesha said...

#ROS,
Hehehe :)

#Ravi,
Chalo good I prepared you before the movie. Waapas aakar batana! :)

#Abhishek,
Welcome to Sayeshaz! Glad you liked the post :)

//You are Urmila of blogging world.

Yeh compliment tha??! Urmila?? That's all I get?? :(

#Virdi,
Uh-oh! Too late. I watched it last night. Itna bura bhi nahin tha... different tha... one time watchable types :)

#World Girl,
Aree Sayesha ko khud hi nahin pata hota ki woh kab post karne wali hai, tujhe kya batayegi :D

#Ipanema Girl,
Haan haan! Sayeshaz bar ko nautanki theatre bana do... and blame my Bollywood posts for it, eh? :)

#World Girl,
Sheesh... tum dono ka kya hoga...

dearbharat said...

:(((((( Why am I not a scriptwriter :((((

I also want to write a movie script now. Thanks for the inspirational review.

Negative Creep said...

Haha. This reminds me why i don't watch Bollywood movies. To be honest though, most Hollywood mocies are pretty much as bad, just with much better acting and production values.

Btw, watch V for Vendetta. Kickass movie. Natalie Portman and Hugo Weaving give awesome performances in that one.

Kusum Rohra said...

Nahi re, because of people like you who went ahead and CRITICISED the movie, koi bloody aaya hi nahi yeh movie dekhne :(

Sayesha said...

#Bhaarat,
You're not a scriptwriter, but you can be a reviewer! What are blogs for? :)

#Creep,
Awww come on... there are good movies and there are bad movies... there's no Hollywood-Bollywood about it.
ps: Will catch V for Vendetta after exams :)

#Kusum,
Oye Ekta kapoor ki Kkusum! Aise gussa karegi? :(

Negative Creep said...

Well, considering Bollywood's lucky if they put out more than 2 good movies a year, i say it's justified to dislike Bollywood. Heh, for the past ten or fifteen years or so, it'd be a good year if they had two original movies, good or not.

Anonymous said...

WAO!!! utterly hilarious...
lovely review...
dhajjiyan uda ke rkh dee...
too much ho tusseeee....

great post !!!

ps:thanx for trning off wrd verification banaras ke is paas se//

Anonymous said...

Sash, Bahaut-bahaut-bahaut maza aaya padh ke....haha...I was laughing alll along :-))

I was thinking of going and catching it, and after reading this, I will certainly be having even more of an enjoyable time :-))