Mere desh ki English

Today was a day of mixed feelings.

It was the first day of a company-sponsored 2-day editorial course. Most of such courses are not really useful to us, because the speaker talks about things we already know, or have learnt on the job. And yet, I attend them for a couple of reasons:

1. At the end of the course, they give nice looking certificates with our names printed on them. And no matter how crappy the course is, it usually has an impressive-sounding name, which can be pitched as 'skills upgrading' at job interviews. Often, our resumes reach a stage where they become stagnant, and certificates such as these make them look current and updated.

2. I want to make sure that the things I learn on the job in my company are industry-standard. And so even if the course is very basic, it helps to know that you're not a frog in the well, living in your own world, unaware of how others in the same field do things.

3. I use these courses as research material on what makes a good speaker. I observe the speaker and the listeners, and try to study why some speakers can effortlessly put people to sleep, while others make them actively participate and enjoy. It gives me tips on what to do and what not to do in my own presentations.

Anyway, so there I was, at the course venue, waiting for the course to start. A course that was about to make me happy, sad, angry, furious, stressed, bored, hungry and sleepy, all in one day. Not necessarily in the same order though.

It all started off with merry laughter.

The trainer was talking about how editors should avoid hyphenating monosyllabic words. He used the following example.

"Some say that lo-
ve is such a bore."

"Remember, love cannot be hyphenated." He declared solemnly.

I don't know what it was about the way he said it, but my editor Banana and I found it incredibly funny. We burst out into peals of laughter.

"Wow, so profound... Love cannot be hyphenated..." She said.

"Oh man, I'm so gonna blog about this tonight!" I said.

"Yeah, I'll wait for that post!" She said.

Soon, there was another gem.

He asked one of the editors how she handled hyphens in her books. She said that in her company, they avoid such hyphens.

"We don't break up the word." He colleague pitched in to clarify.

Another very solemn statement.

More laughter from Banana and me, as both of us jotted it down next to the lo-ve statement, to have a good laugh later.

This reminded me of a course in editing I had done two years ago. The trainer shared how he was trying to explain the typesetting format to his author.

"Your book is not justified." He'd said.

Apparently, he had to spend quite some time calming down the furious author who demanded to know the name of the person who thought his book was not justified.

Coming back to today's course, explaining further examples on hyphenation, the trainer asked us how we would hyphenate the word 'therapist' if we had to. To our horror, we realised that one of the ways would be to write it as 'the-rapist'?? :O I'm so sticking to my rule of not hyphenating words which are not naturally hyphenated.

This reminded me of the last issue of the magazine Banana and I worked on. A part of the article was on how hydra reproduces through budding to give rise to a new organism. We had a little cartoon of a hydra and its bud in a picture frame. Banana gave it a clever caption -- 'Best buddies'. Smartass Sayesha thought that the 'bud' pun would not be obvious to the kids, so I suggested we put single quotes around the word 'bud'. All was fine till the proofs came back and I realised to my horror that it read like 'Best bud dies'. :O We promptly reverted to the original.

The trainer also gave us examples of how over-enthusiastic proofreaders can cause more damage than good to a manuscript.

One of the sentences in an article on some national hero went something like, "He made his money from gambier." (Gambier is an extract obtained from the leaves of a woody vine, used medicinally and in tanning and dyeing.)

The proofreader promptly changed it to "He made his money from gambling."

Hahahaha! :D

This reminded me of an ex-editor in my company who changed the statement "Methane is also produced when cows burp." to "Methane is also produced when cows burn." My co-editor and I referred to this incident for many many months as the 'burning issue of the cows aka issue of the burning cows'. :D

So it was all fun till the trainer pissed the hell outta me.

He was explaining about American spelling and style vs. those used in the UK. I put up my hand to ask a question.

"I have noticed that in Singapore, they do not put a dot when they abbreviate words such as 'doctor' and 'mister'. I have noticed this both in newspapers and books in Singapore. But I have not seen this to be true for many other countries. I come from India, and even there we write 'Dr.' and 'Mr.' with the dots. What is the rationale behind Singapore choosing not to have the dots?"

"As I mentioned before (!!), India is still in the victorian age." He said. "But you have to keep up with the times. You have to be modern. All these extra dots are unnecessary. You need to save ink." Was his answer.

I usually don't lose my temper, but this did it. And as happens many a time, I control my anger by saying what I want to say, in my own head. And I say it all in one breath, till I cool down.

"I beg your pardon, sir. Your country has been very good to me, and I am grateful for that, and just out of respect for your age and seniority, I would not want to get into an argument about my country vs. your country. Blasting someone in public is really fun, and trust me, we Indians are really good at it. But you see, my victorian culture teaches me to respect the elderly, which is why I am saying this in my head and not out loud. If I were sitting here in my individual capacity, you would have heard at least something from me. But I am here as a representative of my company, and I will not bring it a bad name. Dude, there may be a lot of things that are wrong with my country, and a lot of things that are very right about yours, but Singlish ain't one of 'em. If you're so modern in terms of using language, why is it that many CEOs and top managers here can't even say a simple sentence in correct English? It makes me physically sick when I see English teachers asking their students, "You got do homework or not?" You think my country is victorian? Victorian are you, sir, because you don't know how to talk to people, especially foreigners, in a modern multi-cultural society such as yours. Firstly, your stating that my country is victorian in terms of language is not even answering my question. If you'd said you didn't know the answer, I'd have respected you so much more. Secondly, you had already said that once in your lecture that India was living in victorian times. Saying it, again, to me - obviously the only Indian in the room - as an answer to my perfectly valid question, says a lot about you. And finally, if one's modernity was determined by how much ink one saves, Singapore would not be using British English in its education system. It would use the much simpler-to-spell American English. Or perhaps Singapore would have come up with its own spelling system, using the services of sykoz like you."

Phew. I'm done.

Breathe, Sayesha, breathe.

"Thank you." I said to him, in my most sarcastic voice. I was still seething though.

Perhaps storming out of the room would have been better.

And that would have given me so much time to prepare for Wednesday's exam. :/