Saturday, January 14, 2006

Let’s break up, shall we?

Recently, a friend of mine and his girlfriend of many many years broke up. Out of the blue. And for a moment, it looked like they had no reason to break up. They loved each other very much, wanted the same things from life, were absolutely compatible, everyone around them thought that they were the perfect couple, their families had given their approval, they were gonna get married, there were no problems anywhere, when suddenly poof! They were not a couple anymore. They had decided to take a year off each other to figure out what was it that they really wanted from themselves. For themselves.

At times, it looked like they broke up for the heck of it. Yes, I was guilty of judging them too. But after mulling over it and going over the explanations, I think I finally get it.

I can safely say that it’s the most positive break-up I have ever witnessed. It was not one of those heart-breaking tragic breakups where either one or both involved stay in bed for days with a box of tissue and a tub of icecream. They continue to hang out the way they used to, they continue to be the best of friends. They just don’t know yet if they want to marry each other.


And it made me wonder -- whom do we want to end up with? Someone who makes us happy. Someone whom we can make happy. Someone who brings so many positive vibes into our life that it makes us want to make ourselves more worthy of them. Someone whose mere thoughts can bring a smile to our faces and make us feel fortunate that we have them in our lives.

However, sometimes, when you’ve been together for too long, you fail to see these things. The “togetherness” overpowers everything to a degree that you can’t see why you’re together in the first place. And that’s when you need to take a step back and really look at yourself and the other person. Is it really love that you guys share, or just the comfort of stability, history, of not wanting to risk anything else ‘cos you’ve ‘invested’ so much in the relationship?

As I had mentioned in one of my earlier posts, in DCH, when Rohit asks Shalini, “We love each other, that's why we're getting married. Isn't it, Shalini?"

And Akash says, "You should ask yourselves this question, not each other."

Maybe we should all ask ourselves. Do the Dil Chahta Hai test, close our eyes and really try and see whom we wanna be with. And know it before we get married. If there's a wee bit of a doubt, I'd say don't get married. Even if you can't be with guy Y, don't marry guy X because you can't be with guy Y. That's a bad reason to marry anyone, besides it being unfair to everyone involved. You’re better off not being married at all than being in a marriage of compromise or convenience.

The fear of being ‘trapped’ in the decision because everyone around us expects us to act in a certain way is very real. For all we know, we could be wanting to get married to the person we have been with for years and years, but as individuals, we want to be able to choose to get married and not take marriage as a natural progression of things.

Don’t marry someone because you have spent years together. Marry because you want to spend the rest of the years together.

Long courtships can become stable straight line graphs. Sometimes, a relationship is so stable that the stability actually works against it. It becomes stagnant and predictable. After all, girls will be girls. Every girl wants to be proposed to, wants to be surprised with the ring and the question. She needs to be asked, she needs to have the option to actually make a decision. Otherwise you’re just trudging along the straight line graph that goes on and on till you slam into a wall called marriage. A girl should not be pressured into a ‘As if I can say no now’ kinda ‘Yes’. She needs to have that freedom to actually consider the proposal and give her decision. Just as a guy should not do a ‘Like I can propose to someone else’ kind of proposal. He needs that freedom to think about whether she’s the one he really wants to propose to.

So maybe it’s good to break up for a while. To go your separate ways and sort out the ‘what ifs’ of life that we’ve been guilty of thinking about. What if I was with that guy I’d felt a real connection with? What if I was with the girl I broke up with? What if I was with that guy who never proposed? What if I’d been brave enough to ask that guy out whom I liked years ago? What if that girl did not have to move out of the country then? What if I did not have to leave the country then? What if there was something between him and me that both of us failed to recognise?

Marriage is the ultimate commitment. And we should not enter it with any ‘What ifs’. Before making the ultimate commitment, we’d better sort out everything within ourselves once and for all, so that they don’t interfere with the rest of our lives, and help us make a clear decision. In Salaam Namaste, Nick tells Ambar “You should give us a chance now, because years later, when you wake up next to a fat guy, you should not regret not giving us a chance.”

It’s so true. If you’re going to marry fat guy, you’d better be sure that either you give Nick and yourself a chance, or know for sure that you don’t even want to give Nick and yourself a chance. So that years later, you either wake up with Nick, or with fat guy (with the thought that you did give Nick and yourself a chance, and decided to be with fat guy) with no regrets. You need to have that control over the decision you made, and then stand by it. We wouldn’t want to put ourselves in a position where one fine day we wake up and say, “Why didn’t I do that?” We must be able to say, “I chose not to do that. I had the option, but I chose not to take it. And now I will stand by what I decided.”

‘I have no option’ is not an option. You always have an option. It just depends on how bad you want it.

So I say rip off that sticker off your forehead that says, “I’m SO taken!” Break up, take a dose of the single life, give yourself time that is fully yours. Think about yourself. Be a bit selfish. It can be quite a revelation.

And sometimes, such induced break-ups can also show us whether we really love that person. Sometimes we’re so close to a person that we don’t realise their importance, we take them for granted, we forget how special they are. That’s when we need to step back and see if we miss what we had, or whether we feel like we’re finally breathing. And that’s when we will know what we want to do. That’s when we will have the real option.

Of course, you may choose to end up with the same person you had the induced break up with, but at least you would have experienced the feeling of not having them in your life. You’d have known and understood all the reasons why you chose to be with them. And perhaps that’s when it’s time to make a fresh new start, renew your relationship, fall in love all over again. Bring it all back, the flutter of the heart, the glow on the face, the joyous aura, every beautiful thing you feel when you’re newly in love.

And when all doubts have left your mind, and you know for sure that that’s the person you want to choose to spend the rest of your life with, what are you waiting for?

Surprise her. Pop the question.



67 comments:

sunshine said...

So very true. Seemed each and every line reflected my thoughts.

saalik said...

doubts and cold feet r natural before one takes such a big decision in life.. i agree that if one waits for all doubts to leave then there will be far few broken/non-working marriages but there will very few marriages taking place in the first place

atul lakhotia said...

very true...got to clear all doubts b4 taking the final step...atleast in India...otrwise divorce is a common thing abroad.

Aethyr said...

arrey yaar yeh kya hai..i saw 2 comments on post and here there are 3...i didnt even read the post so that i can be atleast 3rd..now lemme go and read..
but this is not fair..

anon gal said...

I'm amazed at how well you write your posts on these things - all the relationshipy stuff, and how u pick the perfect bollywood moments to go with them.. nice one!

and for a change, thr r no "me first"s in the comments :P

Aethyr said...

yeh shaadi vaadi palle nahi padti..i dont understand the need for marriage ..atleast in present scenerio...why cant two people just be friends and live togther..why it is so difficult.

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

*WAILS* This is NOT fair! *Stomps her foot* HMPH! You told me that you post at sometime around 10...and I did check around 10 today as well (your time, I mean). I lost medals!!! *Wails again*

*Sniff sniff* Me going to read your post now...

Chirag said...

Very true but you said one same thing in several different ways. Do you think readers are dumb? Actually when you quoted DCH line (hame yeh sawaal apne aap se poochna chahiye) that was the crux.
Don't handle the relationship stuff in Yash Chopra way, OVERDOSE. That's all I have to say your honor. I am sorry if I hurt someone's feelings.

MeAwinner said...

Sayesha !
Nice post ! You said,right Question your self - Do you want to be with this person for rest of the life.
At the same time.. saalik...sounds true too
" this way we may have less broken / non-working marriagesbut there will very few marriages taking place in the first place "
Hey thats true.. too.. i think thats what happens so many times !Long Courtships.. breaks for diff reasons !
I wish everybody to find the right person to be with.

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

GOSH!!! Itni serious post! I had to read it thrice to get what you said. I don't even know what to say...meri life mein toh yeh waali weirdo stage bahuttttttttttttt doooooor hai! :D SO, I'm just saving this post of yours.....and when I'm old and bored, I mean, when I'm in mid-20's or so, I'll take lessons from it. ;)
Ta-ta!

Thanu said...

Just for kicks I wanna know how many break ups and proposals happened after this posts.

Great post, 100% agreed, marriage is a life long commitment, so make sure one commits to someone he or she wanna spend rest of the life with.

exhaustpipe said...

So basically, you are trying to say break up with that person because there is stability and predictability. Of all marriages you see around you, isn't this normal. Is it really all, about oh why did we get together in the first place. Shouldn't it be about why did we stay so long together, not why we got together. People change and what you really should evaluate is, do I like this person from what he was, what he is and what he might be. My $0.02 worth

Harshi said...

Wow....Sash. Amazing post. Made me all emotional. I agree 100% with you. The lines from the movies were very apt. Very thought-provoking.

A break-up or time apart, does clear things up quite a bit I feel. And if two partners decide that mutually, maturely, all the better. There is an element of risk. But risks are a part of life. And this risk will be to make the best ever and most important decision of our lives, a decison we feel confidant with and would want to stick to. Ultimately, if BOTH aren't the happiest and don't feel the luckiest when they are getting married to each other, what is the use?

spamtaneous said...

simple boredom might be why they brokeup

some how, i hate couples who carry 'we broke up' badges on their forehead. cant they just keep it to themselves?

also if everyone keeps waiting for the perfect someone...then ho chuki jindagi...

life is a BIG compromise...dont be ashamed to accept it... at the same time dont get bogged down by it

amit said...

arre itni serious post ..... woh bhi 3 jharkhani hunorous post ke baad.... Ossum !!!!!
vaise i too was waiting fr a change... hansta hnsta pareshan ho gaya tha... pet mein dard chalu ho gaya tha...:p. reading this serious post couple of times gave sum thing to think and i feel it was direct dil se !!!

Eclectic Blogger said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Eclectic Blogger said...

achi post.. par in ur next post; u shud consider givin tips for ppl who are not going to "pop-the-question".. samjha nahi kya.. mere jaise arranged marriage karne waale logon ko.. shaayad shaadi karne waali ladki ke naam aur occupation ke bina kuch aur pata chala to, informed decision le sakthe hai na!? or am i the only one who happens to be still traditional :(

Harshi said...

Actually, a couple I have come to know recently also broke up--after 7 long years of courtship :(. And I always thought they made the best couple! They were so compatible..made a great team together. But I have realized how different the "inside story" can be, as compared to how things might look on the "outside".

Pradyot said...

>>one of those heart-breaking tragic breakups where either one or both involved stay in bed for days with a box of tissue and a tub of icecream.

Does anyone do that anymore? It is so 80s!! I agree with rest of the post.

Suds said...

Hey Sayesha u are amazing. I had never thought about breakup in that manner ever.. :):)

I agree marriage is a ultimate commitment and u should marry someone whom u can laugh with at age of 80...:):) Also u should not know everything about each other it is fun to get surprised every now and then about ur significant other..:) Enjoy...

Sayesha said...

#Sunshine,
Thanks... it's a really greay area... I wonder if I got everything across, but tried my best :)

#Saalik,
//but there will very few marriages taking place in the first place

True... but the problem is that people think that there is something bad about not getting married in the first place. I think it's better to stay single than get into a marriage of pressure and compromise.

#Atul,
Yeah... in India, first there's the pressure to get married... then there's the pressure not to get divorced if things don't work out.. so gotta be as sure as you can...

#Aethyr,
:)

#Anon gal,
Thanks, dear.
Yeah I noticed the lack of the 'me first' comments too! :)

#Aethyr,
Gosh I used to have the EXACT thoughts as you... but I have begun to realise that I don't understand enough about marriage to dismiss it completely... still exploring, still thinking...

#The Girl,
Baby Friday night ko Sayesha 10 baje ghar par hogi kya? Sara week gadhe ki tarah office mein kaam karti hai... Friday night toh baahar jaane de :) I don't follow a schedule for weekend posting :)

#Chirag,
//Do you think readers are dumb?

WO! Aren't we polite? :)

And NO. I don't think my readers are dumb. If I did, no one would be here. You wouldn't be here either.

//Actually when you quoted DCH line that was the crux.

But I want to write the post the way I want to write the post. Is that too much to ask for, your honour? :)

Ok, here's the thing, Chirag. When I write my posts, I am thinking as I write them. And sometimes, I may be writing about something that can be summed up in three words, but that's not the point. I write posts (especially the serious ones) to figure out things. And to figure out things, you have to go through a long-winded thought process, and analyse every single related thing (such as Yash Chopra movies). And my post gives me the process more than the product or a solution. In fact, I may not even arrive at a conclusion after all that thought! But it does not matter, what matters are the thoughts, and that's what this blog is all about. Hope you can understand that :)

#MeAwinner,
Yeah, long ago, someone told me that long courtships are not good, and I wondered why. But now I think I know. Long courtships really become straight lines graphs where you know exactly where you are headed, and that takes the charm out.

#The Girl,
//when I'm old and bored, I mean, when I'm in mid-20's or so, I'll take lessons from it

Geez. Thanks a lot! :/

//GOSH!!! Itni serious post!

Shocked ya, did I? :)

#Thanu,
Thanks :)

//Just for kicks I wanna know how many break ups and proposals happened after this posts.

Whoops! :P

#Exhaustpipe,
//So basically, you are trying to say break up with that person because there is stability and predictability.

Gosh I am so not saying that! :)
What I'm saying is, don't get married just because you're so stable. Find better reasons to get married. :)

//Is it really all, about oh why did we get together in the first place. Shouldn't it be about why did we stay so long together, not why we got together

It's more 'why do we wanna get together?' and the reasons may depend on 'why were we together for so long?' If the reasons found are not good enough, I say step back and give it some more thought. That's all :)

//People change and what you really should evaluate is, do I like this person from what he was, what he is and what he might be

The prob is that we become too focused on the person. We do not think of why we would want to end up with this person over and above the rest. We try to justify why we want to be with the person. The perspective becomes too narrow, and that's when the fear of waking up one fine day and blah blah creeps in.

And that's what my $0.02 worth is :)

#Harshi,
//There is an element of risk. But risks are a part of life. And this risk will be to make the best ever and most important decision of our lives, a decison we feel confidant with and would want to stick to. Ultimately, if BOTH aren't the happiest and don't feel the luckiest when they are getting married to each other, what is the use?

Amazing lines, Harshi! Wish they were part of my post! :)
ps: Now you see why I keep asking you to get your own blog? God knows how many such insightful thoughts we've missed!

#Spammy,
//simple boredom might be why they brokeup

Awww don't be so dismissive, sweetheart! The inside story is very different from what an outsider may perceive.

//also if everyone keeps waiting for the perfect someone...then ho chuki jindagi...

It's not about waiting. It's about evaluating, and then telling yourself that you evaluated and then made your decision.

Agreed life is a BIG compromise, but you can still do whatever you can, to make the compromises smaller, but really choosing what you want, and not regretting it later.

#Amit,
Thanks! :)
Yeah yeah serious Sayesha can be really scary! :P

#Eclectic,
WOW! I can't believe this! I was gonna make such a list for one of my friends! I dunno if I can post it though! :p

#Harshi,
// how different the "inside story" can be, as compared to how things might look on the "outside".

So true :)

#Pradyot,
//Does anyone do that anymore? It is so 80s!!

It was just a figure of speech, yaar! And yes, some break-ups can really mess people up, so much so that even their friends don't know how to handle them anymore...

#Suds,
You said it, man! Thanks! :)

//I had never thought about breakup in that manner ever.. :):)

I always feel that many people take break-ups in a very negative manner. It's really not like that. Not all the time, at least. Sometimes it can change your life for good, and make a lot of things make sense. :)

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Bollywood is too Utopian for me...I prefer a healthy dose of reality in movies, as far as romance goes. Lets face it.. Veer Zaara never happens in real life.

But I agree with the rest. The way I see it, its a win-win. Either you realise you're perfect for each other or that you're not..and that clarity is priceless.

Oh, and that last line scares me.

Sayesha said...

#Drops of Jupiter,
I agree that Bollywood can get too Utopian at times. I personally don't believe that things fit in so well at the end, they way they do in Bollywood movies. We can't possibly compare real life with Bollywood wholesale. What I do absorb from these movies however, are the moments, the emotions, the situations, the words spoken in the situations... which make me think and analyse and figure out life. :)

//Oh, and that last line scares me.

Haha! Don't worry, just as the guy had the option to ask you or not, you have the option to say 'Yes' or 'No.' :)

Unless you're the radical kind who will go and propose to the guy herself! I know I can't do that! I wanna let the guy do his work. I wanna have my moment! :)

Eclectic Blogger said...

//WOW! I can't believe this! I was gonna make such a list for one of my friends! I dunno if I can post it though! :p//

U shud.. have mercy on us ;-)

Mary said...

Wow Sayesha, nice post.. hmm really got me thinking :) I've never had a boyfriend or anything, because I'm determined that I'll only go out with someone who matches all my principals, morals etc.

I really agree with you on the point..
/ Every girl wants to be proposed to, wants to be surprised with the ring and the question./

YES! I'm sure every girl wants her Prince charming to come and sweep her off her feet :)

Vikram H said...

Your train of thoughts were very beautifully said! I've been troubled by the same issues of late, particularly that of one of my closest buddies breaking up after 7 long years! There are a million others who start a relationship just to feel 'important' and to satisfy their ego! They feel good to be pampered and to be cared for!...Sigh, if only a miniscule amount of rationality was included in the relationship! And I find it hard to call people as a 'couple' until they're married!

/Actually, you're the comforting kinda commentator, I see you here, I know everything is okay. :)/

Man! Thats makes me feel goooooood! Thank u buddy!

lil _kath said...

Sometimes we need to be alone,to find ourselves,to think,to realize something and to become better.Maybe it's good they decided to do it before getting marry coz it would be a big mistake of their life. As of now..both of them needs time to think, and who knows maybe they will end up again with each other.Let's cross our fingers for that..
I believe in saying...LOVE will find a way(getting senti mode now sweetie ^_~ haha)
Awaiting for Sayesha's love story posted next time^_^

love,
-kathy-

!xobile said...

oye SC...
mujh gareeb ke liye yeh post bahut tuff tha.. pata nahi kyu :(

Shreyansh said...

"You always have an option. It just depends on how bad you want it."

So true. More so , for other aspects in life.

Btw, beautiful post.
I wonder ,though, that is it possible to clear all your doubts before getting married , when there is huge chance to be naturally overwhelmed with emotions.
Marriage is seen as a culmination of love , by most , and people find it hard to see what they would be doing after marriage.
To sort out things in their mind before the ultimate commintment is too difficult for the non clairvoyant type.They can just be hopeful for the marriage, for the future , for their life.

Sayesha said...

#Eclectic,
If I ever compile a list like that, I'll send it to you in case I decide not to post it! ;)

#Mary,
May you meet your Prince Charming soon! :)

#Vik H,
Thanks! :)

#Lil Kathy,
//who knows maybe they will end up again with each other.

Amen to that! I think so too. Guess they need some time to fall in love all over again :)

// Awaiting for Sayesha's love story posted next time

Sayesha's love story... sigh... :)

#Ze Exaggeratorr,
Hehehe! Abhi tu chhota hai, bada ho jayega tab sab samajh mein aa jayega! :)

#Shreyansh,
Thanks :)

//I wonder ,though, that is it possible to clear all your doubts before getting married

I totally agree with that, Shreyansh. It's perhaps not possible for things to go the idea way where you really know what you're doing and are clear of every single doubt. Which is why I think what is more important is that we are in a state where we can tell ourselves that we did give everything else a thought, and then chose what we chose. You may still have doubts but you won't have the feeling that you entered something without thinking over it. And even then, I guess it's still more complex than this... that's how life is :)

Vikram H said...

Ahem...so who is Ms.Sayesha's Prince Charming??!! ;)

Shriedhar said...

sayesha rocks as usual :)

Vikram said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

"Surprise her. Pop the question." Is that a personal hint to someone? lols just kidding of course

ssssss said...

is this post some sign from god which i am avoiding? i dono. i was goin thru the same dilemma 2 days back. but then i dont think i wanna take this step just yet. its not as easy as it sounds.
and btw, r u a richard bach fan? he totally emphasises on the word 'choose':) was just wondering cos its not the first time i am comin across it on ur posts

Rohit Talwar said...

oooh man! as i was reading, after every few lines, i was thinking... damn i agree! we think alike! :D


Counselling try kiya?

Sayesha said...

#Vik H,

//so who is Ms.Sayesha's Prince Charming??!! ;)

The one I will say 'Yes' to, without a single doubt in my head. :)

#Shreedhar,
Thanks man! :)

#Vikram,
Hmmm... (got it in my gmail)

#Anonymous,
//Is that a personal hint to someone?

Oh dear God no!!!! Do I look/sound/behave like I'm ready to get into something as serious as marriage? Sheesh, any guy who proposes to me now has had it! :D I think the resounding 'No' will be accompanied by a resounding chapaat! :D

#Ssssss,
Welcome to Sayeshaz and apologies if I confused you further about an already existing dilemma.

I wasn't a big fan of Richard Bach till I read your comment and googled for his quotes.

Found some amazing gems:

- Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain
you don't have anything to learn from them.

- You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.

- Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.

- You are never given a wish without being given the power to make it true.
You may have to work for it, however.

- Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

- Nothing happens by chance, my friend... No such thing as luck. A meaning behind every little thing, and such a meaning behind this. Part for you, part for me, may not see it all real clear right now, but we will, before long.

#Rohit,
:)

//Counselling try kiya?

Hope you don't mean that I need counselling! :O

ssssss said...

wow! then your thoughts match with one of the best writers of philosophy.. and i aint new at sayesha's:) have been appearing with different names for the past few months:) havent missed a post since i first came across ur blog:)i am a blogger and have comments as one too.dono wht made me appear with a pseudonym today....

Sushant Bhatia said...

Ola Sayesha! Hows life? Been a while hasn't it.

Rays Of Sun said...

Damn@ me at the rock bottom of comment section..everything that I wanted to say has been said already,,
only thing that hasnt been said is "Hugzzzzzzzz" thats what I am giving you:D

Tinku said...

Marriage is a gamble, roll the dice and take your chances. Jyada sochegi to buddi ho jayegi.. :p

Tinku

Pooja said...

ok sayesha its 5 25 am now..and u have not yet updated..and i m tired of waiting..so now i m off to sleep and..well for ur next post im first..hi hi;)

Negative Creep said...

like tinku said... there are certain things which shouldn't be overanalysed... cold calculating decisions don't make for a good marriage... As it is, marriage is overrated... why is it so necessary to marry?? people fall in love and out of love... love is NOT permanent, so why marriage??

Sayesha said...

#ssssss,
Sheesh! Ok I take my welcome message back! :D
ps: Reveal thyself, will ya? :)

#Sushant,
Hiii! Long time man! Hope you're doing good! Good luck with the job hunt!! :)

#ROS,
Bacha you've been missing in action! Chatur char is all chup chap man! Sing a little song, do a little dance! :)

#Tinku,
I'd rather think over and it decide not to go for it if I have do, than just 'roll the dice'! :O
ps: The whole 'marriage is a gamble' makes it sound so negative... I think it can be the best thing to happen to you, you just need to think all you can before you jump into it.

//Jyada sochegi to buddi ho jayegi..

Oh, so I should get married to avoid to being single and buddhi?? Sheesh, Tinku. :O

#Pooja,
OMG you were waiting for a new post! I was out, came back only around midnight, bummed around this post and slept off! Too tired for new thoughts. Sorry for disappointing you! :D
ps: Your 5:25 am at my 7:58 am? Hindustaan se ho! :)

#Negative,
Hi welcome to Sayeshaz! Don't think I've seen you around, have I?

//cold calculating decisions don't make for a good marriage...

No, it's not about cold calculating decisions. It's about the inner gut feeling too. It's about your beliefs and thoughts. Cold calcuating decision would be when you get married to someone because you've invested in the relationship for years, or because you're used to having that person around you.

//why is it so necessary to marry?? people fall in love and out of love... love is NOT permanent, so why marriage??

Ah, now that's another debate! I can't get into it because my thoughts on it are not clear in my own head... still thinking, still analysing... if I ever figure it out, will post about it :)

someonewhomyouknow said...

Check your offlines honey..me and one gang member are over at yahoo:D

cubicle said...

Very insightful post. I agree with you with so many aspects. Especially the straight line graph analogy. Experienced that years ago... it was a bad break up though, not as lucky as your friend.

tinku said...

//Oh, so I should get married to avoid to being single and buddhi??

yes :/

negative_creep - I love ur id :/

Tinku

Sayesha said...

#Someone whom I know,
Arre mera comp crash ho gaya, before I could read a single one of those offline messages! :O

#Cubicle,
Hmmm... twists and turns of life... what we never imagine can happen, ends up happening, isn't it? But now you've found the one you're absolutely sure about, and I'm so happy for you! Wish you all the very best! Dil se! (From the heart!) :)

#Tinku,
Tu kyun meri zindagi barbaad karne par tula hua hai?! :(

I'd rather stay unmarried than have such a bad reason to get married. That's like getting married because you don't like your surname. Eeesh! :/

Reghu said...

here's what I come across at times... gal knows she'll probably get married to some fat guy... she still goes out with this other guy, who's perfect for her... for some time that is... with the relationship hitting a plateau, she breaks up with him... probably to assess how much she wud miss this guy... out of sight and out of mind, she eventually marries fat guy...

For one thing, I know thats not what you meant in the post :) but here's my concern...

Terms like "Pop the question", "take a break", "togetherness" all have contextual meaning, and more importantly, might mean a different thing for the other party involved (the boyfriend or girlfriend in question). What is sad is if one party makes a unilateral decision that they need to take a break, with the other having no say in it...

take the example of "taking a break"... it's possible that the other person takes this as "the end of the road". Individuality is definitely more important than anything else, I believe in being selfish... but I detest ppl making unilateral decisions having no respect for the other party involved.

Sayesha, while I am sure you know this is not directed at you, I still thot I shud add this in cos some of the sentiment ppl been commenting here about was going in that misconstrued fashion... :)

~Reghu.

Sayesha said...

#Reghu,
Whoa welcome back! Looooooooooong time no see on blogsphere, eh? :D

I totally agree with what you said, and thanks for steering the focus of the post back to where it was.

//What is sad is if one party makes a unilateral decision that they need to take a break, with the other having no say in it...

I agree, you can't do that. You're in the thing together and what you decide must also be together. That's the difference between the usage of the terms 'breaking up' and 'dumping/getting dumped'.

For the last time, this is not a blanket post that encourages every person reading this to break up their relationships. This is a particular case study, and everything is in the context of this particular case.

Geez, you guys are scaring me now. :|

Navin S said...

lol, i am new in your blog..


so mind me asking you this??


are you indulged in any sort relationship with someone?

from my observation, most girls who possess good looks treat their bf like some sort of ATM machine rather than a man

Rohit Talwar said...

nahi re!! the other way round.. :D

Negative Creep said...

@Tinku : Thanks :P

@Sayesha, i don't know, i'm more of a passion over thinking guy... esp. when it comes to emotions...
And i don't really support marriage anyway... live-ins work just fine.... maybe when you decide to have children, marriage is a viable option, but the thing with marriage is, that it's total emotional investment, and i've seen too many people broken over bad marriages, not to mention the kids... Good marriages are very rare and out of those that last, a majority last only bcoz we're creatures of habit and we're too afraid to change something, not bcoz of love...
And thanks 4 the welcome...

@Reghu, exactly... there's no such thing as a clean break... even if you decide to break up together, there's always one party that's invested more of themselves in the relationship than they let on and there's always somebody who gets hurt... If one person even suggests a break, unless the other person's thinking on the same lines, he/she will never feel completely secure in the relationship again...

@Navfalco... dude, that's this whole culture of it being cool to be hooked up... these kids have n idea of the responsibilities of being in a relationship with someone... it pisses me off to think that i belong to a generation where 90% of the kids are imbeciles with nothing but sex, or being cool and popular on their minds... if so much effort was spent in doing something worthwhile, instead of just trying to get accepted, the world would be a whole lot different... human beings can never be free, cuz we're always caught up in chains of our own design, conformity, fear of change, blind trust in authority, acceptance, and we're taught this right from birth... we're like sheep, oo afraid to stray from the herd... Sorry about getting too worked up, but this is like one of my pet peeves... i tend to piss off a lot of people cuz of this, but it's sad that the vast majority of people are just narrow minded, generic, unquestioning imbeciles...

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

@negative creep
Cool and popular? NO, it's worse than that...ever noticed the reason behind all that? The superiority that they feel? That's the main culprit!

//maybe when you decide to have children, marriage is a viable option//
What's the big deal about kids? Have them...simple. If a decision like a live-in relationship is made, then, what's the prob with having kids without getting married?

Negative Creep said...

^^ bcoz u have a responsibility to the kids... and their sense of superiority only makes em more pathetic...

Sayesha said...

#Navfalco,

Welcome to Sayeshaz!

//lol, i am new in your blog..

I'm amused that you would lol at that.

//so mind me asking you this??

Yes, I do.

//are you indulged in any sort relationship with someone?

I'm appalled by your question.

#Rohit,
Phew! :D

#NCreep,

//marriage is a viable option, but the thing with marriage is, that it's total emotional investment, and i've seen too many people broken over bad marriages, not to mention the kids... Good marriages are very rare and out of those that last, a majority last only bcoz we're creatures of habit and we're too afraid to change something, not bcoz of love...

I totally agree. Perhaps that's why our generation gets cold feet at the mention of marriage. 'Cos we're so much more individualistic and demanding than our parents were. We don't have a large capacity for compromise either. Which is why I stress that marry only if you think you're up for it. Otherwise don't get married! At least not for a stupid reason!

I'll let the rest of the debate take its own course because I am not clear in my own head about the whole having kids without marriage thing. Still mulling...

viv said...

I am not very clear about kids without marriage either, but I believe what negative_creep said is probably the most important point in favour of marriage before kids:

bcoz u have a responsibility to the kids...

I have seen kids with separated parents... and it's NOT good. You really don't want kids to grow up in an environment where they don't have the love and affection of a family that includes both parents. Marriage IS the glue that makes men and women stick together... and that is vital to kids. If couples don't think they have the commitment to stay together, they really shouldn't have kids. Might as well spare the kids the agony.

chitra said...

Wow... bombat post. Yet to find some hidden meanings :) !!

vasanthi said...

however you think and re-think. marriage is altogether different from courtship.Even the best of the lovers who were most compatilble can turn out to be the worst life partners.

trups said...

Absolutely true Sayesha! As they say, "Dont marry someone you can live with; marry someone you cant live without".

Angelsera said...

My personal opinion is that a lot of times,

1)theories abt relationships sound very nice

2)a third person's point of view will always remain that.

I am not trying to counter or agree w anything you said, jus stating what I felt.

As such I believe that each of us has a different way of doing and dealing with things.

Chaos137 said...

Well I have the perfect greeting card for anyone to send for break-ups!!

I'm sure you can find one here - It's like instant therapy. lol

here's the site: www.fu-cards.com

have a good day Lauren

Anonymous said...

Hi Sayesha,

Just read your post really a good one. I would want to know can we fall in love with your best and good friend.
I have a very good friend of mine who tells me ILV, who tells he feels like hugging me and everything but tells me this is adifferent love. I don't understand what type of love is this. He wants me to take him as my BF but this is different.

I also like him, miss him but don't know what type of feeling is this.

Do you think there should be break in these type of relationship also, which may effect the friendship.

Reply.

Navin S said...

wow,sayesha,

i might be a 18 year old kid,but girls,man i tell you....lol,i spend too much of them but ended up in a car accident

well,about the laughing thingy,well

i just like to laugh,lol

*ps dont call me navFalco,lol,makes me feel like AI robot...i am Navin btw

navfalco said...

anon

i suggest you try out this webpage


www.lovecalculator.com

Anonymous said...

Hey what is lovecalculator all about?

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