Annual report - 2008

So here's all the gyaan the Bhai has attained this year.

• If you dream something impossible and work towards it without telling a soul, it may just come true. (The not telling a soul bit is important.)
  
  
• IDD calls are one of the most paisa-vasool uses of money.
  
  
• Contrary to popular belief, when friends have a fallout, whether they will attempt to patch things up depends not on what caused the fallout, but what they had before the fallout.
  
  
• It's human instinct for most people to dislike the boss even if they don't mean to. It's not personal. It's just the default setting.
  
  
• There is only one way to get around office politics -- be bloody good at your job.
  
  
• If you constantly badger your faraway friends for a year, they will eventually give up and move to the east where you live.
  
  
• Life wouldn't be life without Bollywood.
  
  
• It's possible to be 'home' and yet miss 'home'.
  
  
• There is no need to be extra-emotional. Sometimes the 'bhaad mein jao' (go to hell) attitude is the most effective.
  
  
• A Himesh Reshammiya movie doesn't kill you. It kills the desire to live.
  
  
• What someone thinks of you is none of your business. Don't lose sleep over it.
  
  
• Work is worship. Truly.
  
  
• You are what you eat. And exercise.
  
  
• On some days, the IT guy at work can be your God.
  
  
• It is not easy to have a friend report to you at work and still remain friends. But with practice and professionalism, it's possible.
  
  
• If you're having a bad day, everyone seems evil. It's not them. It's you.
  
  
• Quoting something I wrote in a post long ago, something I tell myself over and over again -- Everyone has problems. The important thing is to make a bigger deal of the happy stuff.

Happy new year, bewdas! May the madness never end! :)

The Khan-ference

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finally bagged the interview that no one else ever had.

The three big Khans. In her treehouse.

Amjad Khan. Kader Khan. Saroj Khan.

Of course not, silly! Gotcha!

So Salman, Shah Rukh and Aamir were seated on a 3-seater couch while SSSK was on her purple beanbag with her notepad and pencil.

SSSK - Before we start... I just want to say... It is such an honour to have all of you here. All of you had movies releasing this year, quite close to one another actually, and it's just so great to have the opportunity to interview you about them.

The three Khans smile politely.

Shah Rukh - Actually, everyone thinks we're competitors and hence enemies. But it's not like that. We're actually very good friends.

Aamir (inches away from Shah Rukh) - Yes yes, we're just friends.

SSSK - Before we start, would you like something? Coke? Pepsi?

The Khans - Sure! Thanks!

SSSK - Errr... Coke or Pepsi?

Aamir (to Salman) - Oh! Errr... Abbe tera wala kaun sa hai? I think I am allowed to drink what you don't endorse. What do you endorse?

Salman - You mean this year or next?

Aamir - Oh...

Shah Rukh - Hmmm... Akshay ka kaun sa hai?

Salman - Thums Up. The mardon wala drink.

Shah Rukh - Hmmm... then I don't know what we're allowed to drink.

SSSK - So what do I get then?

The Khan (consult among one another and then say in chorus) - Nimboo pani, please.

The Khans sit sipping nimboo pani while SSSK starts the interview.

SSSK - Salman, we will start with Yuvvraaj since it was the first to release.

Shah Rukh - Dabba.

Salman (displeased) - I know...

Shah Rukh - Kyun yaar??? What happened??

Salman - I don't know man... they said Katrina ko le lo. Aur kuchh nahin karna padega, aur picture hit ho jayegi.

Aamir (giggles) - Heh heh!

Salman (annoyed) - Why are you giggling?

Aamir - Because Subhash Ghai is a dhakkan. Arre if you take Katrina in a movie, you show her. You don't put a musical instrument the size of King Kong right in front of her.

Salman - Oye! Don't talk nonsense about her. She's not the showpiece anymore. She's the number one Bollywood actress right now.

Aamir - Haan... yeh din aa gaye hain Bollywood ke... Katrina Kaif is the number one actress...

Shah Rukh - Arre wait na... aaj Katrina hai, kal Anushka hogi. Have you seen how successful Deepika is? Sab meri wajah se...

Aamir - Oh puh-leez. You and the schoolgirls you pick every year. Sheesh. I'm telling you, Asin is the next big thing in Bollywood.

Shah Rukh (poking Aamir in the ribs) - Aha! Yeh baat hai... someone's having sinful thoughts about a-sin, eh?

Aamir (offended) - Shah Rukh!

Salman - Achha is it really true? I saw her interviews. Her name is really supposed to be like that? "A" from Sanskrit (meaning "without") and "Sin" from English, meaning "without sin" meaning "pure"?

Aamir (sheepishly) - Yeah... something like that...

Salman (grinning) - Seriously?? Ha ha ha!

Aamir (irritated) - Yeah... what's your problem?

Salman - Naah... nothing... I think I'm gonna name my kid "Agreed".

Shah Rukh (delighted at Salman) - Duuude.... burrrrnnnnn!!!!

Shah Rukh and Salman high-five each other, while Aamir sulks.

SSSK - Err... shall we move on to 'Rab ne bana di jodi'?

Shah Rukh (proudly) - With pleasure.

Salman - Aila! Hit ho gayi yaar...

Shah Rukh (more proudly) - Totally.

Salman - This is not fair yaar... teri har movie hit ho jaati hai... aise hi! What's your secret, bol na?

Shah Rukh (leans forward and whispers) - Me. New girl half my age. Long movie title. Bingo!

Aamir (very annoyed) - Please. The length of the title doesn't matter. Ghajini bhi hit hai. Gha-ji-ni. One word.

Salman - Actually I always found that title a little weird. What does it mean anyway?

Shah Rukh (nonchalantly) - Female elephant.

Aamir - WHAT?!

Shah Rukh (loudly) - FEMALE ELEPHANT.

Aamir - Female eleph... what the..?! No, it's not.

Shah Rukh - Yes, it is. You know how elephants are supposed to have very good memory? Well, Aamir's movie is about a female elephant who suffers from short-term memory loss.

Aamir - WHAT?! That's nonsense. And Ghajini does not mean 'female elephant'.

Shah Rukh - Really? How do you know?

Aamir - I know.

Shah Rukh - How? Kya aap paanchvi pass se tez hain?

Aamir glares at Shah Rukh.

Shah Rukh - Ooh I have an idea. Why don't you phone a "friend"? Let's ask the one with the part-Sanskrit name.

Aamir - Stop it, Shah Rukh! You're treading dangerous ground here.

Shah Rukh - So is she... a-sin-gle gal? Bwahahaha!

Aamir - I'm warning you, Shah Rukh...

Shah Rukh - Actually, if her character's name in the movie had been Asin instead of Kalpanaaa, your character's tattoos would have been a little less painful. What say?

Aamir (snarling a la his character in Ghajini) - Grrrr...

Shah Rukh - Asin. Asin. Asin.

Aamir - Shah Rukh!

Shah Rukh - Oye, chilla mat!

Aamir (rolling up his sleeves and showing his bulging biceps) - Kyun, kya kar lega?

Shah Rukh - Asin ke baare mein Kiran ko bataaun?

Aamir - Gauri ke baare mein Karan ko bataaun?

*stony silence in the room*

SSSK - Erm... This is not going too well...

The Khans - But we are going... Sorry SSSK, looks like this interview won't work.

SSSK - Please please. One last question. Last year, there was a lot of hulla-gulla on who gets to release his movie first. How did you decide the order of releasing your movies this year? Surely it must have been tough?

Salman (smiling) - Ah! Good question. We agreed to release the movies in the order of seniority. The most senior got to release his movie first.

SSSK - Seniority?! Seniority in what??

Salman (grinning) - Toplessness, what else?

SSSK - Huh?

Shah Rukh (winking) - Abs...olutely!

A phony tale

So Viv had been raving about this mobile phone he wanted to get.

I have never really cared much about mobile phones so I didn't quite get it. I use my phone only for calls and sms, so I am not fascinated by the ultra-cool features he claimed this phone had. So I said to him, "Arre I will win the iPhone in my company's year-end party for you, and you won't need to buy your E71." He agreed as apparently the iPhone is also a cool phone (actually I have no idea).

But then good fortune doesn't strike twice, and someone else won the iPhone (apun dekh lega usko baad mein). I was in the 'top ten costumes' though (the theme was retro) and won myself a $50 voucher, showing thenga to those who had rented their costumes. You see, the rental was $50, so while they only broke even, I made money. Muahahaha. :D

So when Viv heard that I didn't win the iphone, he pretended to be all sympathetic, but of course he had laddoos exploding in his mann (sorry, there is no English phrase that can truly represent this) because now he could get his beloved E71. Hmmmph!

So yesterday, he got his phone, and introduced me to its 'cool features'. I couldn't care less. Hmmph. Phony phone!

"Give me your business card!" He said, all excited.

"Why?"

"I'll show you something ultra-cool."

I grudgingly gave him my card. He placed it on his palm and took a picture of it with his E71.

"Oh puh-leez. My phone can also take pictures of things." I said, rolling my eyes.

Then he showed me the screen.

Holy cow.

OCR.

I was beginning to get impressed, but didn't want to admit it.

But wait a minute... what was that under my name on the screen? I peered to take a closer look at how it had recorded my designation.

Sheesh. According to that stupid E71, I work in a 200-year-old publishing company as... a "Monnger".

:/

The ten-year itch

So I returned to the crime scene to pick up my new passport. Pushing my way through the crowd, I eavesdropped on more instances of "Agar yahan aisa hai toh socho India mein kaisa hoga?" and "Excuse me, my name is Ramamurthy Balakrishnan but my passport says Balakrishnan Ramamurthy!"

Finally I had my passport. As I flipped through it to ensure that there would be no reason for me to have to go back to the embassy and stand in the queue that extends to the road, it suddenly struck me why divorce rates in India are (still) lower than some other countries.

They put your spouse's name on your passport.

Words from another wise guy

I have been meaning to write the sequel to the words from my favourite poet for the longest time, but somehow never got around to doing it. This one's for baby Aish, Asha and her son, and Sudeep and his mom (who I'm told likes dohas).

So here they are, some of another great poet Rahim's pearls of wisdom:

Rahiman dhaga prem ka, mat todo chatkaaye
Toote se phir na jude, jude gaanth pad jaaye

Rough translation: Rahim says, don’t break the delicate thread of love. Once it breaks, it can’t be joined. Even if you join it, there will be a knot.

Executive summary: Don't break it when you know you can't fix it.

***

Rahiman badan ko dekh ke, laghu na deeje daar
Jahan kaam aaye sui, kya karey talwar?

Rough translation: Rahim says, don’t ignore the humble when introduced to the big/important. When you’re in need of a needle, of what use is a sword?

Exective summary: Don't underestimate the humble.

***

Kheera mukh te kaatiye, maliyat laun lagaaye
Rahiman karwe mukh ko chahiyat eehi sazaye

Rough translation: Rahim says, to cure a bitter cucumber, we cut its head off and rub salt over it. A bitter mouth deserves the same treatment.

Executive summary: Bitterness will never get you anywhere.

***

Je Rahim uttam prakrati, ka kari sakat kusung
Chandan vish vyapat nahi, liptat rahat bhujang

Rough translation: Rahim says, how will evil corrupt the one who has an excellent character? Sandalwood does not become poisonous even though snakes cling around its trunk.

Executive summary: Build yourself a Teflon character.

***

Kahe Rahim sampati sage, banat bahu bahu reet
Bipati kasoti je kase, te hi saanche meet

Rough translation: Rahim says, where there is fortune, people will find many ways to form relations. But your true friend are those who stand by you in misfortune.

Executive summary: Fairweather friends are worse than enemies.

***

Rahiman ya tan soop hai, leejeeye jagat pachhor
harikan ko udijan dey, garuay rakhee bator

Rough translation: Rahim says, be like a winnow and sort the world (people) through it. Let the light (bad) ones fly away and carefully preserve the heavy (good) ones.

Executive summary: Cherish the good stuff. Throw the bad. Don't look back.

***

Rahim ve nar mar chuke, je kahu mangan chaee
Unte pahel ve mue, jin mukh niksat nahi

Rough translation: Rahim says, men who choose to beg are as good as dead. But those who say 'No' were never men to begin with.

Executive summary: Help yourself. Help others.

***

Meetha sab se boliye, phailey sukh chahu oar
Vashikaran hai mantra yehi, taj de wachan kathor

Rough translation: Rahim says, speak sweetly with everyone, and spread joy everywhere. Giving up harsh words is the true vashikaran mantra (the mantra to win everyone over).

Executive summary: How to win friends and influence people: watch your words.

***

Bade badai na kare bade na bole bol
Rahiman heera kab kahe lakh taka mero mol

Rough translation: The great never praise themselves or reveal their worth. Rahim says, have you ever heard a diamond say "I'm worth one lakh rupees"?

Executive summary: Don't praise yourself. Let others do it.

***

Rahiman ahee sansaar mein, sab saun miliye dhay
Na jaane kahi roop mein, Narayan Mil jaaye

Rough translation: Rahim says, meet everyone with love. You never know when you may bump into a form of Narayan (God) Himself.

Executive summary: Play it safe. You never know.

***

Embassy tales

Overheard at the Indian Embassy during my recent visit:

Scary lady in sari (to no one and yet everyone) - Passport this way, others that way. And no inquiries.

Frustrated man at counter - Excuse me, I applied for my son's passport last week. But when I got it, his sex had changed to female.

*pause to suppress my howls of laughter at the poor guy's predicament*

Scary lady in sari (to no one and yet everyone) - I SAID NO INQUIRIES!

Girl (on her mobile phone) - This is like a fish market! There is a token number system, but there are 5 people at each counter still!

Guy standing near counter (to me) - Madam, can you please sit? My number is before you.
Me - Arre if I sit, I can't see if my token number appears on screen. There's too many people standing in front.
Guy gives me dirty 'so-you-think-this-token-number-system-works?' look.

Lady (on her mobile phone) - Achha suno... there are some people here who are also applying for their kid's visa... and guess what? They have all got their kids with them! Ab main kya karoon?

Man (looking at the crowd and shaking his head) - This will never change...

Mom (to kid) - Come here, hold my hand! Don't get lost. It's too crowded.

Man (muttering to himself) - Kitna claustrophic hai yaar...

Same lady as before (on mobile phone) - Haan... it does say applicant must apply in person... but kids also??

Yelling man (at counter) - No, but you tell me, what can I do now??

Scary lady in sari (to no one and yet everyone) - I SAID NO INQUIRIES!

Same lady as before (on mobile phone) - Mere paas toh stapler bhi nahin hai... what if they reject me because my forms aren't stapled?

Excited kid (to Mom) - Mummy, is that my passport?
Mom - Nahin beta, this is just the token number. Passport mein time lagega.
Kid - Kitna time?
Mom - Sigh... Pata nahin...

Same girl as before (on mobile phone) - Arre the queue went all the way from the gates through Grange road on to the main road... almost into a construction site! The workers started yelling at us saying they will complain to MOM.
(For the uninitiated, no, the worker wasn't threatening to run to his Mama; MOM = Ministry of Manpower)

Guy (surveying the room and shaking his head) - This is not Singapore... this is... this is India!

Odd and ends

The results of the last poll are out. The clear winner is Rang De Basanti, whose end was disliked for various reasons, ranging from "What? Everyone just dies???" to "What?! That's not a solution!"

My vote goes to Dostana. They shouldn't have shown John and Abhishek with girls in the first scene, and the end should have had both of them coming out of the closet and living happily ever after. Now that would have been a good movie. :D

Dead end

This month's Bollywood poll -- name one movie that should not have ended the way it did.

Do provide your ideal ending if possible. :)

PS: Comment moderation has been enabled so there is no point yelling 'Gold!'. I guess there is no point in me saying this either, as from experience, bewdas will be bewdas and will yell Gold anyway. :P

It happens only in India

Snippets from my recent Delhi-Agra-Jaipur trip:

Road sign that cracked us up - "For accidental help, dial 1033."






















Bhumigat paidal paar path = subway. Awesome.


















My friend from Hong Kong (pointing to a top) - How much is this?
Shopkeeper - 550 rupees, madam.
Friend - 550 rupees??? That's too much!
Shopkeeper (with a heavy accent, especially on the word 'crepe') - But, Madam, this is crepe material!
Friend - This is crap material?! What the?!!


Dubbed movie playing in local theatre - 'Italian haseena ka pyaar'


Sign on the back of an auto-rickshaw - "Buri nazar wale, tu videsh chala ja." LOL!


Entrance fee to the Taj - 20 rupees for Indians, 750 rupees for foreigners! What the...?!


Guard at Sikandra wants to charge Viv and me 'foreigner fees' because we are with 'foreigners'. What the...?!


Name of a restaurant that suddenly appeared in the middle of the fields during our drive from Delhi to Jaipur - Achanak restaurant.


Name of a sweets shop in Jaipur - Chakh le, India!


Name of a towel shop in Jaipur - Towel hi towel


Had a chance to watch some new hindi movie trailers on TV. That guy Kamal Khan in Deshdrohi... is he for real?? Step aside, Himeshbhai, you've got competition!


All in a day's work - Psychotic driver of ours who spoke on his mobile while driving, barked some very bad words to a cyclist, almost hit four people, took out the bumper of a parked car while backing, and then calmly drove away.


Front page news in the Times of India - A Dutch couple was asked to pay 10,000 rupees for 4 samosas by the shopkeeper who claimed that they contained special herbs and had aphrodisiac qualities. The couple paid up but went to the police. The shopkeeper refunded 9,990 rupees. Sheesh.


Oh no! Singlish has reached India!

















Taking a picture in the middle of the road standing next to my friend, the decked-up groom on the decked-up horse - priceless.


Playing dumb charades huddled around the radiators in the lawn waiting for the wedding to begin - hilarious and heart-warming at the same time.


Watching an overnight wedding, while OD'ing on masala chai - an out-of-the-world experience.


Our Rajasthani driver Bholaram calls my mobile several times while we're at the wedding sangeet as he's in a hurry to drop us back to our hotel. We, of course, are having too much fun to want to go back. At his third call, as I look at the ringing phone in despair, my friend from Hong Kong takes the phone from my hand, and answers it, "Bholaram! Wassap?" I don't think I had laughed that hard in ages.


Finally I fulfilled my wish.

















Wah Taj wah! It truly lived up to all the hype. I never saw it as a memento of love, but it sure is one heck of a beautiful structure.

Home run

Singapore ke thakele mausam
Se apun fultu pakela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Bhaad mein jaaye air-conditioner
Kya jhanjhat hai, jhamela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sardiyon ka mausam
Raapchik hai, albela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Bachpan ki Bhaigairi ki
Yaadon ka jahan mela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan ki sadkon par apun
Kitne barson khela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sab yede bindaas hain
Aur sabka bheja satkela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan sabke paas time hai
Kyunki har koi vella hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai

Jahan har gali mein pani puri
Ka laga ek thela hai
Apun Hindustan ja rela hai!

Tunn in, bewdas!

The following two posts are rather close to my heart.

Dell-wale CPU le jayenge

What was that again?

Now they are special not because of what I wrote, but because of the total party zone that the comments space of these posts became. The bewdas' amazingly hilarious experiences described in the comments space can lift my spirits any day and make me fall off my chair laughing. So when something similar happened a couple of days ago, I couldn't resist converting it into a blog post.

Shub started it. She sang a customised bewda song. In a totally harmless email thread (okay fine, the email was about splitting the cost of the last vodka bottle that the guys had bought to make cocktails for the last F1 race. Yeah, that's the only way I will watch those things.).

Shub - "Tunn ho to...gaata hai dil...jo tunn nahi...to geet kahaaan?"

Of course, I can't resist such things, can I?

Me - Shub, tunn bin jaaun kahan? :D

And then Pizzadude jumps in.

Pizzadude - Tunn bin jiya jaaye kaise, kaise jiyaa jaye tunn bin?

Me - Humko sirf tunn se pyaar hai! :D

And then Viv decides to 'contribute'. Ahem.

Viv - Tunn tunna tunn tunn tunn tara... chalti hai kya nau se gyaara (gyaara to reduce work time by 1 hour so that we can squeeze in an extra drinking session!). I get a special award for maximum tunn count in 1 line :) I think I'm sounding tunn now... although most of this is out of tunne...

And then he calls me.

At work.

Viv - Did you see my email? Did you see my email??

Okay, when the guy you live in the same house with sends you an email and calls you (at work!) to ask if you have read it, it can cause quite a panicky situation.

Me - You emailed me?? Why?? What happened??

Viv (I can hear his grin over the line) - I wrote the best tunn line. Read it read it!

Sheesh.

So I open my email and read it.

Viv - So?

Me - So what?

Viv - What do you think?

Me (deadpan) - It's the worst.

Viv (distraught) - Nooooo...........

Me - Well, if you want to see real good stuff, let me open a special counter at the bar. When the bewdas mix their own drinks, you will see some real masterpieces.

All right, let's show him, bewdas! :D

Blind spot

So I'm singing 'Maine pichhle saath dinon mein' as I'm making dinner. Viv is hanging around the kitchen, generally not doing anything useful, but whatever's on the cutting board is disappearing at an alarming rate.

"Do andhe match ke passes! Mere naye naye sunglasses!" I sing/yell.

"Hahaha!" He starts laughing.

"What?!" I glare at him.

"Do andhe match ke passes?"

"Isn't that what he sings?"

"Hahahaha! No!"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah-a! What is andhe matches?"

"Err... I don't know... You know the lyrics these days..."

"But andhe match ke passes?"

"Well, maybe andhe match ke passes means... like... you know... blind passes?" I make a feeble attempt.

"And what on earth are 'blind passes'?"

"Blind passes... as in passes when you don't know what your seat number is? You know? Like a blind date?" I try to sound confident.

Viv gives me the 'you're-bullshitting-and-you-know-it' look.

"Okay fine, I don't know what andhe matches and andhe passes are. But this movie has weird lyrics! They have a song about hissing snakes! Zehreele zehreele! Kaale neele peele!" I am still in denial.

"Okay fine, let's listen to it."

I play the song on the computer.

Farhan shrieks, "Do andhe match ke passes!"

"See?? I mean, hear??" I do a victory dance.

Viv plays it again.

Farhan shrieks again, "Do andhe match ke passes!"

"Hahahaha!" Viv is laughing non-stop.

"What?!"

"It's one-day match ke passes!"

"No it's not!"

"Okay, what do you think makes more sense, huh? Andhe match or one-day match?" He smiles his annoying wise smile.

I don't have words. I just stare at him blankly.

The most shocking part of this conversation was the complete role reversal. Usually he kills the lyrics and I resurrect them. This whole conversation was all wrong - it was as if he was saying my dialogues and I was saying his.

Mere yeh din aa gaye hain?

Now Viv has started correcting lyrics I sing????

I must be losing it.

I need a holiday dammit. :/

iShuffle-d

So Pizzadude has tagged me with a very fun music tag.

Here are the rules:
1. Put your music player on Shuffle mode.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Write the song name no matter what it is.
4. After you've answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and let them know they've been tagged.

Before embarking on this, I loaded a lot of songs into my ipod to get as big a database as possible for the answers. Oldies, newbies, ghazals, tapori songs, everything. After I did the tag, I realised that almost every song can fit every situation, and so seem very apt for any of the questions. The romantic numbers especially are especially versatile, though they don't keep the gender in check - see number 8 below. Sheesh! :/

And this is what I have:

1. If someone says "Is this okay?", you say:
Dhoop mein niklo, ghataaon mein nahakar dekho
Zindagi kya hai, kitaabon ko hataakar dekho

2. What would best describe your personality?
Aaj main boond hoon, boond hoon barish ki
Aaj main hoon leher, leher hoon khwahish ki

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Yeh tumhaari meri baatein
Hamesha yun hi chalti rahein

4. How do you feel today?
Aisa jaadu daala re
Surmayi hai ujaala re

5. What is your life's purpose?
Where's the party tonight?
(Hahahahahahahaha!)

6. What do your friends think of you?
Tu hi tu, tu hi tu satrangi re
Tu hi tu, tu hi tu manrangi re

7. What do you think of your parents?
Tu hi meri shab hain, subah hai, tu hi dil hai mera
Tu hi mera rab hai, jahan hain, tu hi meri duniya

8. What do you think about very often?
Mera dil le gayi oye kammo kidhar
Main dhoondhun usko idhar udhar
(Sheesh!)

9. What is 2+2?
Katra katra milti hai, katra katra jeene do
Zindagi hai, behne do, pyaasi hoon main pyaasi rehne do
(Well, this kind of answers the question if you count the number of times the word 'Katra' is used. But an awesome answer to this would have been 'Garaj baras pyaasi dharti par phir paani de maula' because it actually has a line that I simply love - 'Do aur do ka jod hamesha char kahan hota hai. Soch-samajh walon ko thodi nadani de, maula.')

9. What do you think of your best friend?
Kabhi dil ke kareeb tumhe mere naseeb
Yun layenge socha na tha
(Hehe... true about Viv)

10. What do you think of the person you like?
Kiska hai yeh tumko intzaar main hoon na
Dekh lo idhar toh ek baar main hoon na

11. What is your life story?
Tinka tinka zara zara hai roshni se jaise bhara
Har dil mein armaan hote toh hain, bas koi samjhe zara

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Azeem-o-shaan shehenshah farma rawa
(Yeahahahaha!)

13. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Yeh jo thode se hain paise, kharch tumpar karoon kaise
(I like this one! Economical!)

14. What do your parents think of you?
Na hai yeh paana, na khona hi hai
Tera na hona jaane kyun hona hi hai
(Wah wah, I really hope this is how they miss me back at home.)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Chak de India!

16. What will they play at your funeral?
Mora saiyaan mose bole na
Main laakh jatan kar haari
(OMG! So apt! Hahahahahaha!)

17. What is your hobby/interest?
Phir haath mein sharaab hai sach bolta hoon main
Yeh cheez laajawab hai, sach bolta hoon main
(Sheesh!)

18. What is your biggest secret?
Muhabbat meri jo pyasi hui toh gehri meri udaasi hui
Zindagiiii mein hai tum bin yeh veeraniyannnnn
(Oh no and now the biggest secret is out... that I have Himeshbhai's songs on my ipod!)

19. What do you think of your friends?
Do pal ruka khwaabon ka caravan
Aur phir chal diye tum kahan hum kahan
Do pal ki thi yeh dilon ki daastaan
Aur phir chal diye tum kahan hum kahan
(Ah... true in some ways...)

20. What should you post this as?
Tanha dil tanha safar
Dhoondhe kise phir kyun nazar
Tanha dil

21. What do you think about this tag?
Mujhse naaraaz ho toh ho jao
Khudse lekin khafa khafa na raho

As usual, I tag all the people who have a blog, but have not blogged in the last one month.

A song and a dance

The results of the poll are out!

The third place goes to AB junior for his rap act in Bluffmaster - Ek main aur ek tu hai.

Though AB senior happens to have quite a few songs that are popular with the bar's bewdas and bewdis, the poll was to identify one song, and so he was a close second with Rang barse.

And, Aamir, just like the meaning of his name, leads the poll with his tapori rendition of 'Aati kya khandala'.

Yup, my vote went to Aamir too (one of the bewdas who couldn't comment from his office even sent me an sms to vote for Aamir, hehe!). The only problem I find is that Aamir's dance moves and expressions are so priceless in the video that you almost forget to appreciate his singing! Watch it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAhtjIriQps

I wonder if any digitisation was done though. I heard Kareena singing Dev's 'Jab nahin aaye they tum, tab bhi mere paas they tum' live at a show for army officers, and after that, I could only say 'Jab nahin gaaye they tum, tab hi theek they tum'.

In another awards ceremony I watched a few years ago, Aamir decided to do a live rendition of the Khandala song. I'm not too sure what he was thinking, but he dragged Rani Mukherjee up on stage as well. After listening to that, boy, am I glad they got Alka Yagnik for the original. But Aamir really rocked the song.

Oh by the way, Will Smith wasn't too bad either!

Singing praises

So this month's poll is on Bollywood actors who have sung their songs themselves. Okay, at least one song. I wanted to provide a few examples, but didn't want to influence the results. Besides, any Bollywood bewda/bewdi worth his/her salt should know his/her facts. :P

Who do you think did the best job and which song was it?

PS: And oh, this is only for actors who have more movies they have acted in than songs they have sung, so this eliminates people like Kishore Kumar and Sonu Nigam and Farhan Akhtar. And oh, Himesh Reshammiya!

PPS: I just had an alarming realisation that not a lot of actresses are asked to sing their own songs. I wonder why... hmmmm... Anyway, forget the girls for now, let's stick to guys for this poll.

PPPS: Comment-moderation is enabled so it will always show '0 bewdas got fultu talli' till the post is closed for voting. This is for the benefit of the Gold-yelling bewdas! :P

Age rage

So I bump into my next door Chinese neighbour and her kid in the lift as I make my way to work. This is the second time we're meeting.

"Hi! Off to work?" She says.

"Yeah! You?"

"I'm going to drop her off at school first, and then head to the office. Juggling kids and work..." She smiles.

"Oh, how many kids do you have?" I ask.

"I have three."

"Wow. You don't look like a mother of three!" I am amazed.

"Haha! What about you? You only have one son?" She asks.

I undergo a major Sita Maiya moment. You know, dharti phat jaaye aur main usme samaa jaaun type?

Holy cow. She thinks Viv is my son?????????

"Noooo! I don't have any kids. I just got married last year."

"Oh! So who was that boy? I saw him when you had the prayer ceremony..."

Okay pause. Rewind to grihapravesh puja invitees. Who looked the youngest among the guys?

Holy cow. She thinks Pizzadude is my son?????????

Another Sita Maiya moment.

"Noooo, that was a friend of mine who had come for the prayer ceremony..." I protest again.

"No no, it was a little boy. He was swinging on the door grill." She says.

Okay pause. Pizzadude may be a lively chap, but I can't imagine him to be the kind of a twenty-something guy who goes to other people's houses and starts swinging on their door grills.

And then it struck me. One of Viv's aunts had dropped by for a very short while for the puja. She had brought along her little kid.

PHEW!

Gut reaction

Dear bhukkad of the highest order,

Fans of the TV series F.R.I.E.N.D.S would remember the episode where someone steals Ross' sandwich at his workplace and he turns the whole place upside down, to the point that birds in the neighbourhood fly away in terror and his boss enrols him in anger management classes. That sure was a darn hilarious episode.

Till it happened to me. :

Sick of the MSG-laden food around my office, I made two sandwiches and took them to work. They were modest-looking brown bread sandwiches but they contained the most awesome paneer filling. I even had what Ross referred to as the 'moistmaker' - a yoghurt-coriander dip coating the paneer so my sandwiches wouldn't be too dry.

Well, high and dry would have described my condition, when I couldn't find my precious sandwiches in the fridge during lunchtime. Because they were resting in your cursed tummy. I must have rummaged amongst the labelled containers of yoghurt, pasta, milk, cereal and fruits some ten times, but with no results. Yes, so I didn't label my food. So?! I didn't think there was a need to. Is this primary school? Why would you steal and eat my food??

Why why why?????

The disturbing thing is - I can't remember ever getting so angry at work. I have had some pretty stressful days and I have breezed through them. What the heck happened? It's just two sandwiches, right? No big deal, right? Well, I couldn't seem to see that. Instead of staying calm and brushing the incident aside, I had a slightly different reaction.

Aka "BLOODY HELL! SOMEONE ATE MY SANDWICHES!!!!!!"

So much for Singapore's low crime rate.

Daylight robbery is what this is.

Fortunately, I managed to control my reaction. What's the point anyway? In an office filled with a hundred people, how was I to find you, you dhakkan? After much deliberation, I eliminated all the people who were on leave today, and narrowed down the the list of suspects to people who were in the office. Shabash. :

I don't get it. Why, why, why would you eat my sandwiches? They were made of brown bread, for heaven's sake. They had paneer, a concept 99% of the people in the office are unfamiliar with. It was a homemade lunch, something not particularly relished by them. In fact, the last time I made something to share with colleagues, a grand total of ONE person was brave enough to 'sample' the 'Indian homemade stuff'. How can a combination of brown and green be so appetising to you?? Why didn't you steal the other stuff? Because it was all labelled? Or were you scared of getting melamine poisoning?

I am the only 'Indian' Indian in the office, which is why I'm sure you didn't even know what it was when you stole it. I even went back half an hour later in case you had taken it by mistake and put it back in the fridge after realising your life-threatening folly. But nope, it was gone. Probably it was already in your tummy. But it won't stay there long. Yes, Indians may make awesome paneer sandwiches, but you know what? They also give awesome bad-duas. You just wait and see.

And the next time you lust after my sandwiches, have the guts to come up to me and ask me for it. I will be happy to give you a sandwich.

A knuckle sandwich.

Disrespectfully yours,

Sayesha

Jai mata di, let's mock!

Okay, so this is like my fourth Himesh Reshammiya post.

I must be going cuckoo indeed.

But then, watching Karzzzz was one of the highlights of my Bollywood-cuckoo career, and it is my duty to record it somewhere.

So it all started when I wrote this 'Wanted' post on my blog. To my utter suprise, hiding amongst the "Yeah, right!" responses were some bewdas who actually wanted to go for it. So I decided to plan a 'Bloggers watch Karzzzz' outing. My regular Bollywood buddy Pizzadude was all excited because like me, he has not seen 'Aap ka surrrrorrr' (okay, I don't really know how many r's are in the title) and was curious.

I don't know what was wrong with Viv, but he actually indicated interest.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" I laughed in his face.

"Seriously, I want to watch it too."

"Yeah, right!"

"Seriously!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"No! I want to watch it."

"But why??"

"You guys are watching it..."

"But you fall asleep in the theatre even during 'normal' movies!"

*guilty silence*

"So you really want to come?"

"Yes, I do."

"Okay, great! So we have you, Pizzadude, Pizzadude's friend, Arvind (a blogger who had left a comment on the Wanted post), Komal (another commentator on that post), Parikrama (a blogger I'd contacted as I knew he watched Bollywood movies) and me. That's quite a crowd for Himesh!"

I was very excited about meeting bloggers I had never met. Little did I know that indeed, I would never meet them. On Saturday, the rediff review was out. And so was half of my 'quite a crowd'. Dropped out like flies, they did.

Even Viv started grinning at me, a typical grin which can only mean one thing - "I don't wanna go."

Hmmmph! Okay, fine.

While I was finalising the plan, Parikrama was of the view I was pulling a fast one on him. Perhaps he thought I'd get him to the theatre and then not show up. So he did what a sensible guy would do - went for the movie... BY HIMSELF! Dude, you may have shown me the thenga, but the joke's on you. :P At least the rest of us had company in misery. Muahaha! And thenga! :D

Pizzadude's friend too, dropped out.

Komal said she couldn't make it as she had a test. Or maybe she had read the review. :P

Well, we had a test too. A test of patience and tolerance.

I must admit the Rediff review almost broke my determination because I really trust Raja Sen's reviews. He was the only guy in the world who agreed with me that Fanaa was C-R-A-P when all other reviewers were raving about it.

But I'm glad Pizzadude got me my determination back.

"Rediff has blasted it. Still wanna go?" I sent him a message.

"I'm still curious," he said. "If I have company, I'll go."

"All right then," I said. "Let's do it!"

After all, this was a great chance for us to show how much we love Bollywood and the lengths we would go for it.

Yeh ishq nahin aasaan... bas itna samajh leejiye
Ek aag ka dariya hai... aur doob ke jana hai.

So we were all set to doobo in Himeshbhai's aag ka dariya, and proclaim our undying ishq, not for him, but for Bollywood.

We met up with Arvind at the theatre (the dude had proclaimed that he would recognise me just from my blog header picture. Muahaha! He couldn't. I am not as short as I look up here! Hmmmph!) and made our way in. I may have been the first in queue to buy the tickets, but to our surprise, the theatre was pretty full. Pizzadude's theory was that a lot of people may have made phone bookings because they were too embarrassed to be seen in the Karzzzz ticket queue.

And so here's my usual 'random-thoughts-review' of Karzzzz.

• Himesh the actor. I have no words. Hmmm... Actually, if you think about it, his acting wasn't that bad. Possibly because all others were so incredibly bad, they made him shine.
  
  
• Himesh the singer. Sheesh. Every 15 minutes, he would break into his signature, "Ooooooooo" and we would go "Aaaaaaaaaaaa!".
  
  
• Dino Morea sleep-walked through all his scenes with a bored "What's-the-point-they're-gonna-kill-me-and-replace-me-with-Himesh-of-all-people-anyway" expression on his face.
  
  
• If Urmila had zero chemistry with Dino, it was negative with Himesh.
  
  
• Some of the dialogues were amazing. "Tumhare paas kya saboot hai ki tumne Ravi Verma ka katl nahin kiya?" Hahahahahahahahaha!
  
  
• The costume designer seriously got carried away when he/she was asked to design clothes for a character called 'Princess Kamini'. Which princess wears golden pants with a golden top, a golden cap, golden earrings, a golden bracelet and golden shoes? Sample this. And then repeat the costume, but use silver this time??
  
  
• Speaking of bad costumes, I swear in one of the scenes, Himesh wears something that looks like someone cut out a piece of lacy black lingerie and super-glued it to his chest. You can ask Pizzadude if you don't believe me (I'm sure you will not be watching the movie to verify this)!
  
  
• This is what Shweta Kumar's script said, "Hug Himesh. Smile in a silly manner. Repeat several times."
  
  
• I cannot believe they actually had a 'maa yelling at bhagwan because beta is dead' scene in a 2008 movie. No kidding. "Tujhe mera beta waapas dena hi hoga!!!" and all.
  
  
• Cheap thrills like cleavage and short hemlines make their appearance throughout the movie. Himesh provides the cleavage bit, while Shweta displays the short hemlines.
  
  
• Raj Babbar ke yeh din aa gaye hain? Playing an old sardaar who decides to fling himself off the balcony at the baddies?
  
  
• Sir Juda has got to be the most ridiculous character in Bollywood ever. They amputated his arm and replaced it with... of all things a synthesizer! That too, a kids' synthesizer. I'm pretty certain I have seen baby Aish playing one of those in a photo.
  
  
• I think all of us nearly died laughing when Shweta, standing near a lake, sings one line of the song, and Himesh makes a sudden appearance, half-hanging from a helicopter above, and completes the song. Without as much as a chirp from the helicopter blades.
  
  
• Of all the actors who have ever played the leading man's buddy, Monty's friend Dr. Dayal has got to be the most dhakkan of all. He was not convincing as a doctor, as a friend, or as they say about Joey, as a human being in general.
  
  
• I think the most disturbing was the scene where Himesh is wearing a really tight yellow and grey striped T-shirt, has soft toys strapped all over him, and is holding red roses and a lollipop. If you have a heart of steel, click here.
  
  
• I never liked Sameer's lyrics, but this really takes the cake. Tan-tan-tan tandoori nights? And what's with the "Hari om" and "Masha allah" songs? What's this - International Summit to Promote Secularism?
  
  
• Himesh Reshammiya plays a 25-year-old. I rest my case.

All said and done, I still wouldn't say it was the worst movie I've ever seen. Banaras, Virodhi, Rudhraksh and Fanaa still rank way above anything else.

In fact, if anything, this movie will be testimony that Pizzadude, Arvind and I, have truly passed the agni-pariksha and proved our love for Bollywood.

Jai mata di, we rock!

The Karzzzz buzzzz

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) is back in action!

So this time she decided to invite the cast of the old Karz and the new Karzzzz to her treehouse over for a chat. (Yes, she realised that taking notes half-hanging from trees wasn't exactly comfortable, and invested in a portable treehouse.) The only time everyone was available was late in the night.

Place: Sayesha's treehouse
Time: 11 pm

On the largest couch are the Kapoors - Rishi, Neetu and Ranbir. Rishi has a disgusted look on his face. Neetu is trying to arrange Ranbir's hair. Ranbir is trying to get her hands off his hair.

Shweta Kumar is sitting with daddy Indra Kumar on one of the couches. Next to her is Urmila, looking really bored. Satish Kaushik and Himesh Reshammiya are seated opposite them, looking rather pleased with themselves. SSSK herself has plonked herself on a beanbag next to Dino Morea.

There is silence in the room. Everyone is waiting for Simi Garewal and the Ambanis.

It's dark outside. An owl goes, "Oooooooooooooooooo". Everyone looks at Himesh.

Himesh - Hey! That's not me!

Sound of a car is heard.

SSSK (gets herself out of the beanbag with much difficulty and peeps out of the treehouse) - Ah! White car. I suppose Simi's here.

Simi Garewal enters the treehouse amidst the sound of collective gasps.

She is dressed in black.

Neetu (jaw dropping) - Simi!! Dressed in black?!

Satish (guffaws) - Kyun, ghar par Surf Excel khatam ho gaya kya?

Simi gives him a dirty look.

SSSK - Simi, why are you dressed in black?? What happened??

Simi (deadpan face) - I'm mourning.

SSSK - What are you mourning?

Simi - Death. Death of one of the classics of Bollywood.

Ranbir (starts singing cheekily) - Maar daalaaaaaaa..... allaaaaah........ maar daalaaaa!

Simi (looks at Urmila with utter hatred) - And there may be more deaths...

Urmila trembles slightly and sinks further into the couch.

Satish (guffaws) - Urmila, tu toh gayi. Tera toh Rendezvous with Simi Garewal hone wala hai. I think it's time to say 'Hey Ram(u)'. Ha ha ha!

Urmila - Simi ji, please don't take offence. I'm not playing you in the movie. I'm just playing the character Kamini...

Simi - Hmmmph! I am the original Kamini. You are not Kamini! You are... Kameeni!

Ranbir (cheers) - Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!

Neetu - Ranbir!! Behave yourself!

Ranbir (guiltily) - Sorry, Mom...

Simi slaps her hand over her mouth and sinks into a one-seater.

Simi - I cannot believe I said that. I am supposed to be sophisticated damnit! Class is all I have!

SSSK - Errr... shall we get started?

Himesh (very excited) - Sure! Jai mata di, let's rock!

Everyone gives him dirty looks.

SSSK - So Rishi, what were your first thoughts when you heard that your movie Karz was being made again?

Rishi (places his hand on his heart, with pain written all over his face, starts singing) - Dard-e-dil, dard-e-jigar... dil mein jagaaya aapne... (looks at Satish)

Satish - Sir, please... Don't take the movie as an offence. It's meant to be a tribute to you.

Rishi (trying to control his emotions) - Tribute to me?? Himesh?? Seriously?? What were you thinking??

Satish - He has a 100% hit record, sir!

Rishi - Satish... He has acted in ONE MOVIE!!

Satish - Lekin hit record toh 100% hai na, sir?

Rishi (buries his head in his hands) - Why is everyone after my movie? First Om Shanti Om and now this! Meri picture baar baar dekho yaar, baar baar banao mat! Ab toh hadd ho gayi! Himesh Reshammiya???

Ranbir - Seriously man... Shweta, what were you thinking acting opposite him?

Shweta (shrieks and then bursts into tears) - Daddy!!!!!!

Rishi - Seriously, Indra, what were you thinking launching your daughter against this guy?? I mean, you could have asked me. We could have worked on a script with Ranbir and Shweta.

Indra - Actually I wanted baby to be launched with a hit hero...

Ranbir (looks offended) - And according to you, he is a hit hero? Haven't you seen the posters of him and Shweta? Lagta hai tagline missing hai - langoor ke saath angoor.

Himesh (gets up and starts waving his hands in the air) - Zabaan sambhaalke, Ranbir! Jai mata di, I won't tolerate this!

Ranbir - Arre ja ja! Topi utaarke apne transplanted baal kya dikhaaye, apne aapko hit hero samajhne laga??

Himesh - Abbe maine toh sirf topi utaari, tuney toh towel...

Indra Kumar looks shocked and covers Shweta's ears with his hands.

Simi (storms out) - Disgusting... simply disgusting...

Sound of another car is heard. The treehouse shakes a bit, and Tina Ambani enters with Anil Ambani.

Tina - So who is it?? Huh huh huh??

SSSK - Err... Hi, Tina!

Tina (to SSSK) - I'm rich, I don't need to talk to you.

Tina surveys the room, taking an especially close look at the women.

Tina - So who is it? Is it you?? (points a pointy nail at Urmila)

SSSK - What are you talking about, Tina?

Tina - Who is playing me in this new joke of a movie?? Is it you?? (still pointing at Urmila)

Urmila - Nooooo... it's her (points to Shweta). I'm playing Simi Garewal's character...

Tina - You are?! No kidding! Ha ha! Good luck to you!

Shweta tries to hide behind daddy.

Tina - And you? You're playing me?? Satish, she is playing me??

Satish - Errr.... yes.

Tina - I cannot believe this! I could still play it better than her!

Satish - Of course! Of course... koi shaq nahin. But you see - this is a new-generation movie. Tina, she's err... younger...

Tina (fumes silently) - But I'm richer! In fact... (looks proudly at Anil) we're the richest people we know!

Rishi - Err.... actually... isn't Mukesh richer than you guys?

Tina (emphatically, nose in the air) - I said we're the richest people we know.

There is an uncomfortable silence in the room.

Anil - Tina, we have to leave now. Seriously. Every minute of my time is worth tons of money. You know that.

Tina - You're right, dear. Let's not spend another moment in the house of this... this tree-climbing, note-taking cuckoo reporter, in the company of these unoriginal, uncreative people!

The Ambanis leave.

SSSK - Dino, you're awfully quiet... any thoughts?

Dino - Naah, I'm just wondering why a guy who looks like me in one birth (pauses to inspect himself in the mirror on the wall)... would look like him (points to Himesh) in the next... God sure can be cruel, huh?

Rishi - Seriously... of all people, Himesh???

Himesh - Rishi ji, please take it easy. Our movie is not exactly the same as yours. There are differences!

Neetu - Oh yeah? Like what?

Himesh - Err... the spelling of the title? Which was my idea by the way... (grins)

Ranbir - That's not the title of the movie, that's the review. Zzzz.... (pretends to fall asleep) Ha ha ha!

Himesh - Well, Karz was set in India. Our movie is set in South Africa.

Ranbir - I didn't know there were autowallahs in South Africa!

Himesh glares at Ranbir.

Ranbir - And what's with the chest-baring costumes, dude? The movie was about Monty, not Full Monty!

Himesh (ignores Ranbir) - Rishi ji, please calm down. Like Urmila said, I'm not playing you. I'm just playing the character Monty.

Rishi (totally frustrated) - Monty? Monty?! Tu Monty nahin, python hai!

Ranbir (to Neetu) - Mom, I seriously think we should take Dad home...

SSSK - Oh no. Please wait. One last question for you, Rishi. If Karzzzz turns out to be a hit, what would you have to say to Himesh?

Rishi (thinks for a while, then looks at Himesh with utter disgust before storming off) - Buzzzz off!

Tough stuff

"This?"

"Uhh..."

"Come on!"

"Uhh... okay."

"This?"

"Errr..."

"It's going."

"Sigh... okay fine."

"This?"

"Noooooooooooooo!"

"Why not??"

"Because."

"Uh huh?"

"It's my first walkman."

"Hmmm..."

"And my last too."

"You have an ipod!"

"Precisely. This is a part of old memories."

"You're never going to use it."

"I know!"

"Then?"

"Then what?"

"Throw it."

"Nooooooooooo!"

"Why not??"

And thus went on the recurring loop.

It was just Viv trying to convince me to throw some old stuff. Before we moved into this house, we threw tons of stuff. Yet, after we moved in, we realised that there was so much more to throw. We may have removed the first layer of stuff - the obviously useless kind - but there was the second layer. Of stuff that's a little closer to our hearts, and a little harder to get rid of. Even though we know it's high time we let go, we just can't.

Dad says, "If you didn't unpack something in one house, it's highly unlikely that you will unpack it in the next house. Throw it." Very practical advice, and very useful in my childhood when we moved from one city to another every two years.

However, now that I have no plans to move anymore, it gets a little difficult to be heartless and throw that carton which contains... well, I'm not quite sure what it contains, but I'm sure it has something useful. You see the point?

Maybe it's human nature. The inability to pick something up and, devoid of emotion, throw it out. Forever.

And this is not limited to inanimate objects.

The other day, I was waiting at the bus stop, when I noticed a colleague coochie-cooing with her boyfriend. So I did what I do in uncomfortable situations like this. Before she could notice me or notice that I had noticed them, I started fiddling with my mobile phone. Five minutes of reading old sms messages, and the bus still wasn't there. Damnit. So I started to go through my phonebook. To my surprise, only about one-third of the names were recognisable.

There were names that I absolutely could not place. Mr. Chong*, Crystal*, Dr. Josephine*, three Joans*, Richard*, Priyanka*, Harish* - who were these people??

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of people I don't think I know.

So I got rid of all the names that I couldn't recognise. And that included some really odd entries - Bugis manicure, Dial-a-biryani (?!), Hotel Crown Prince, Amore gym, Agent Regina, River Walk Tandoor, Tru Spa. First layer. And then came the hard part - the second layer. Of deleting the ones that I actually did recognise. There were only a couple of such names (phew!), but I did have a tough time deleting them. Names that brought back memories of bad friendships, fallouts, bitter endings. And each time the phone asked me, "Delete?" I hesitated. Maybe I could keep them? Maybe we would get in touch eventually? Maybe we would want to get in touch some day?

And then I asked myself sarcastically - Really? You think?

And the answer, the really honest one, was - No.

I don't. I don't think I will ever get in touch with them. I don't think I will ever want to get in touch with them. I don't think they will ever want to get in touch with me. I don't think us getting in touch is a good idea. Forgive and forget is not as easy as it sounds. And one doesn't go without the other. You can't forgive and move on if you can't forget. Some friendships are not forever, and the sooner we understand this, the better it is for our peace of mind. And also important for peace of mind is to let go. Out of sight is indeed out of mind. To let go of memories and things that bring up these memories. Grudges. Negative thoughts. Anger. Frustration. Gotta throw them. Get rid of them. Just like old cartons that take up space. Just like old numbers that take up phone memory.

Life is too short to get too idealistic and too emotional. In our neverending struggle to find happiness, why do we want to cling to things that make us far from happy?

Viv suggested that we should throw five things each week. I readily agreed because I thought that included things like banana peel after you've eaten the banana, etc. but apparently not. He meant stuff - real stuff.

I'm still getting used to this thoughtless throwing of stuff in the house, but I think I'm getting better at it. And at the same time, I'm getting marginally better at throwing all the other stuff too. Stuff that's in the heart and mind. And just like the house, the heart and mind feel cleaner. Lighter.

I suppose just like you gotta throw stuff before moving in, you also gotta throw stuff before moving on.

Wanted

Pre-requisites

• Must live in Singapore
  
  
• Must love Bollywood (preferably be obsessed with it to the point of extreme irrationality)
  
  
• Must be tolerant of people who have radio faces, but not radio voices
  
  
• Must not be judgmental
  
  
• Must not be a cynic
  
  
• Must not roll eyes at everything
  
  
• Must be able to stay awake in challenging situations
  
  
• Must make time to appreciate the random things in life
  
  
• Must be able to see the hidden humour in things
  
  
• Must be able to appreciate irony
  
  
• Must be determined to finish what they start
  
  
• Must not always look for money's worth
  
  
• Must be able to find money's worth in unlikely things

So seriously, who's up for sitting through Karzzzz with me? :D






















Okay, fine! Hmmph! :/

No joke, this. :|

Okay, here's a really really bad one from Viv.

The disturbing part is not how bad the joke is, but the fact that some of you Bollywood-savvy bewdas may actually get it.

Q: What is common between these two individuals?




Highlight the part between the * symbols below to see the answer.

*Both are moon workers. Neil Armstrong and Leena Chandavarkar*

Tailor-made lyrics

So today was one of those days when you hear a song and an old memory associated with the song suddenly rushes at you. The song in question was 'Mere haathon mein nau nau choodiyan hain' from Chandni, and I can't quite remember where exactly I heard it today. (Could be my head actually, can't rule that out, happens quite a bit).

The important thing is how it suddenly reminded me of Piya. Piya, our neighbour's 5-year-old daughter. She would be a teenager now, but back then, she was the tiniest and cutest kid in the neighbourhood. Mom had a special friendship with her and she'd be forever seen at our home. So once, during my summer holidays, I heard her attempt to sing, 'Mere haathon mein nau nau choodiyan hain' and thought to myself, "Ah! Here's a good holiday project!" (Yes, yes, you can say it. Geek of the highest order.)

So I took it upon myself to teach Piya how to sing the full song, and eventually do a 'show' for Mom. Initially, she struggled with the lyrics, and although she had perfected the mukhda, she would often forget the first lines of the antaras 'Mere darzi se aaj meri jung ho gayi' and 'Mere ghutnon se lambi meri choti hai'.

After weeks of practice, I decided she was ready. So off we trotted to Mom, and I said, "Mom, Piya has a surprise item for you." Mom was indeed very pleasantly surprised when Piya started singing. She sounded unbelievably awesome.

So when she got to the antara, I crossed my fingers that she wouldn't forget the lines this time.

She didn't.

In fact, she remembered the words of both the lines that she used to forget.

However, a little technical error happened, which made Mom and me explode into hysterical laughter.

"Mere darzi se lambi meri choti hai..." sang Piya, very earnestly.

Hopelessly addicted

So I have been tagged by the Soul of Alec Smart to describe five of my addictions.

Shoes
I am very much into shoes. If I had my way (and shitloads of money of course), I'd have two pairs for every outfit. That would make it close to 300 pairs. In fact, I believe that some day Viv would design me a system which is as follows: Imagine a huge room full of neatly-stacked shoe shelves. The shelves contain shoes of every colour and kind. But you do not have to go in to pick a pair. You just flash a part of your outfit at a tiny sensor on the door, and the LCD screen on the door will show you all the shoes in the room that will go with that outfit. You make your selection (touchscreen, of course), a flap lifts, and a robotic arm polishes the shoes and presents them to you. The system is smart -- it doesn't just map the colour of the outfit to the shoes, it can do a contrast-mapping as well. You can select filters (flats, heels, high heels, straps) or you can just let the system show you everything it has. If for some reason no match is found, the system will then do a search on online shoe shops and present you with the available selection. A touch of the screen will instantly place the order and the shoes will be delivered the same day (your shoe size is, of course, prerecorded in the system). Yes, this is how the system will work. Chalo Viv, designing shuru kar do. Mere khayaal se kuchh saal lag jayenge.


Bollywood
Bollywood has been an obsession since I was a kid. Strange, considering no one in my family is into it. My sundays would begin with Rangoli and end with the afternoon movie on Doordarshan. (Dad wouldn't allow cable TV till my board exams were over.) I'd study during the ad breaks. Incidentally, my sister would only turn up to watch the ads, after which she'd go back to studying. Of course, she was my partner in crime when we would watch Chitrahaar on mute, and our parents would think that we were doing our homework. When I landed in Singapore at the age of 18, I brought with me a large suitcase, my parents' blessings, and a love for Bollywood in my heart, which only grew stronger over the years. It's not like I don't recognise the flaws of Bollywood - the excessive song & dance, the melodrama, the length of movies, the lack of subtlety - but then that's true love, isn't it? To love something in spite of its flaws? I belong to a particular breed of people who believe that only they are born with the right to point out the flaws in Bollywood. If someone else dares to diss it, uska toh... kharcha pani!


Cheesecake
I may be a fitness freak, but when it comes to cheesecake, I never say no. Friends and colleagues are fully aware of how much of a weakness I have for cheesecake and how easily I can be bribed with it. And oh, the best cheesecake I've had? American Club, of course. Simply unbelievable.


Pani puri
When I was 10 years old, my cousin Sid challenged me to eat 30 pani puris. I did. Without batting an eyelid. I was legend. Pani puri also featured prominently in my wedding dinner menu. Of course, I didn't get to eat any, but that's another heart-breaking story. I like the sadak-chhap pani puri, the kind they serve in a folded leaf that's held together by its own stem. The very spicy kind that you eat by the road, accompanied by hazaar aansoo. The kind where you say, "Bhaiya, achhe se mirchi maarke dena!" Thoda ro, thoda khao type. Best pani puri I have had so far? Calcutta, followed by Cuttack. Mumbai ki pani puri was nothing compared to that. And don't even get me started on the nonsense they serve in Singapore, maligning the good name of pani puri.


Blogging
Viv used to call me a net-addict. Yes, it was true a few years ago, but not anymore. I think I'm much better now. It used to be worse. I was addicted, to the net, specifically to blogging. I'd be uneasy if I was away from the computer for more than a couple of hours, and every chance I'd get, I'd check my blog, and the comments, and then other people's blogs, and their replies to my comments, and other people's replies to my comments, and what not. But then those were the days when I had a full-time job and part-time studies and I still managed to write 30 posts in a month. I don't know how the hell I did that, and why I don't can't do that anymore. Sigh, that's another heart-breaking story. These days, I don't get on the net so much, even though I am on the computer at work all day. What's there on the net anyway? News is depressing, Gmail is empty, Facebook has become B.O.R.I.N.G. Blogging and reading blogs is something I still enjoy though. Thankfully. Who knows, maybe after retirement, I'll get back to writing 30 posts a month? If that happens, I do hope some of you bewdas are still around blogsphere too. We can grow old together, tag each other, look back at our lives and smile, while our grandkids laugh at us and the old-fashioned concept of "blogging".

The litmus test

So I was at my optician's for a check-up. The place looked like it was a straight out of an Ikea catalogue.

Me - Wow. The place looks totally different.
My optician - Yeah. We renovated recently. Nice, eh?
Me - I like it. It's a very cool and modern look.
Optician (proudly) - Oh yes, we even upgraded the system (computerised eye-testing equipment). Come, see!

I followed him into the eye-testing room and indeed the system looked quite cool too. I made myself comfortable in the high chair, and he turned on the system. After the usual checks, the system started displaying slides on colour blindness.

Me - Cool! The old system did not have colour-blindness tests!
Optician - Oh yes. This one is much better. Latest technology too!

So I started reading the numbers off the slides as they appeared. 3, 5, 19, 57, 8, 9... it seemed never-ending. The colour blindness tests I'd taken before had never featured more than two slides. But each of these slides had different swishes of colours and patterns, with the numbers nicely embedded in them. I think I must have breezed through some 12 slides, when I almost fell off the high chair.

The 13th slide.

Holy cow.

The swishes were there all right, the colours were there all right, the patterns were there all right. But where the heck was the number??

Me - Uh...
Optician - What happened?
Me (heart pounding) - Uh...
Optician - See the number?
Me (wondering what new-age eye-disease the high-tech system had caught) - Actually... no...
Optician - You don't see the number?
Me (heart pounding faster) - Err... no... what... does... this... mean?? Anything to worry about?

He looked at me for a while. After a dramatic pause, he spoke.

"Good." he said, turning off the system, "That one doesn't have a number. In fact, I'd be worried if you saw one."

Me - :|

Partner in crime?

The results of the poll are out.

Topping the list is Partner, which is apparently a frame-by-frame copy of Hitch.

I haven't seen Hitch, but I found Partner pretty bleah, except for the catchy 'O kaindi ponnn' song.

Hmm... Soni de nakhre copied lagde? :/

Copy that

Happy Bapu's budday, bewdas! Aaj dry day karne ka, kya?

So Sudipta has asked bloggers to write something on plagiarism on 2nd October.

However, since my first post of the month is always a Bollywood poll, I shall do my best to combine the two themes for this post.

The poll of this month is to name the Bollywood movie that was the most shameless rip-off of a Hollywood movie.

ps: As usual, I have enabled comment moderation to avoid influence. Once again, do not yell 'GOLD!' :P

I just blogged to say...

Kanan has tagged me on a rather lovey-dovey topic. (Thank you, Kanan! I was suffering from major writer's blog!)

Here are the rules:

RULE #1: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2: Tag 6 people to do this quiz and they cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by, cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by, and must continue this game by sending it to other people.

Here we go:

Q. What do you love the most in your lover?
Ans: His patience (in tolerating me and my nonsense). His totally random sense of humour. His pictionary skills. (More here and here).

Q. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Ans: Spend. Save. Invest.
PS: Okay fine, donate a part too. Hmmph! (I feel like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality saying "...and world peace!")

Q. What is love?
Ans: When you know that no matter how much you argue, at the end of the day you still really want to be with that person, that is love.

Q. Would you fall in love with your best friend?
Ans: I did. And speaking from experience, it's not too bad an idea. :)

Q. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Ans: Being loved by someone. (Obviously. Let someone else do the hard work I say!)

Q. How long should you wait for someone you really love?
Ans: Till you fall in love with someone else? :P

Q. Is it possible to like someone without loving them?
Ans: Yes.

Q. Is it possible to love someone without liking them?
Ans: Yes.

Q. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Ans: Try to move on with life?

Q. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Ans: Be detached.

Q. What takes you down the fastest?
Ans: Literally? Skipping breakfast. :|

Q. How would you see yourself in ten years’ time?
Ans: Still in the mirror I suppose? :P

Q. What’s your fear?
Ans: Lizards. Death (of humans, not lizards).

Q. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Ans: A crazy Bollywood psycho like me.

Q. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Ans: Depends on whom I'm married to. If it was some dhakkan, then I guess single is better?

Q. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Ans: Turn off the alarm.

Q. Would you give all in a relationship?
Ans: Depends on how you define 'all'. Also depends on how you define 'relationship'. :P

Q. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, whom would you pick?
Ans: The one who loves me back?

Q. Would you forgive and forget, no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Ans: Will try, but no guarantee.

Q. If you get to go back in time and fall in love all over again, would it still be with the same person?
Ans: Yes.


I will tag the following 6 people:

1. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.
2. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.
3. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.
4. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.
5. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.
6. Someone who has a blog but hasn't posted anything new in a month.

A Wednesday on a wednesday

Random thoughts after watching 'A Wednesday':

• What happens when you make a movie that has no hero or heroine, two veterans, one item girl who really can't act (playing a news reporter, no less), two young actors who actually don't have much to their credit, and no songs? You either end up with total distaster or you end up with a devastatingly awesome movie. Fortunately, 'A Wednesday' falls in the second category.
  
  
• Naseeruddin Shah so rocks the movie, literally and otherwise, that it's absolutely incredible.
  
  
• Even though it's an out and out Naseer movie, Anupam Kher lent able support. In fact, his character could teach managers a few lessons on crisis management and task delegation. If only I could tell my team members too, "You have 10 minutes to do this. Go!"
  
  
• Some of the dialogues are amazing. They are especially hard-hitting because of the use of common English words - it sounds just like the way you and I talk.
  
• Did anyone get the part where Anupam Kher calls Jai back just before he and Arif are about to leave and says, "Yeh sab khatam hone ke baad tumhe Arif ko..." and Jai nods to show he understands? I didn't quite get what Anupam Kher meant, and I'm not convinced with the explanations I have heard so far.
  
  
• The movie reminded me of RDB and Aamir (in the 'common man getting sucked into violence' funda), but while RDB was masala, Aamir was arty, A Wednesday was the perfect balance.
  
  
• A great background score literally keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout, even if the camera is simply focusing on someone's face.
  
  
• We thought watching A Wednesday on a wednesday would be cheesy so we did it. Doesn't look like a lot of people think like us. I was the first person to buy tickets to the show, and the theatre had a total of some 25 people. Bas!
  
  
• I would have been happy seeing Naseer and Anupam in a movie together, but then they had to throw in Jimmy Shergill, bringing back a gush of memories of how bad a crush I had on him. I didn't like him in Mohabbatein but does anyone remember him in 'Mere yaar ki shaadi hai', particularly the first part of the song "Jaage jaage" where he moves his fingers through the wind and goes, "Resham si hain yeh hawaayein sanam"? *SWOOON* & *THUD*
  
  
• I cannot express how glad I am to see him get out of chikna-boy mode. Calling all producers and directors, can we see him in more movies? Please??
  
  
• I love Jimmy Shergill.
  
  
• Shub and I have made a pact. I give her Farhan Akhtar (ghanta give actually, she snatched him and ran off!) and I get to keep Jimmy Shergill.
  
  
• Speaking of guys that make me go weak in the knees, the Aamir Bashir fella who played Jai, wasn't too bad either. I especially loved his 'acting in front of the TV camera' scenes. Takes a lot of talent for an actor to act like he's acting. (Okay, that sentence will only make sense to you if you've watched the movie!)
  
  
• Electric baba was too good! "Shaher mein gadhhe nahin, gadhhe mein shaher hai!"
  
  
• Anyone noticed the nariyal pani man from Munnabhai 2 as one of the terrorists?
  
  
• Deepal Shaw. Sigh. "Aapne mujhe beta kaha?" Haan beta, go back and be a baby doll. Acting, or rather, just talking, is not something you're made for.
  
  
• This was yet another movie where the subtitles could not even correctly handle the English words in the dialogue! CM says, "First thing." Subtitles say, "Personally." Huh?
  
  
• Again. I love Jimmy Shergill.
  
  
• My all-crushing crush on Jimmy aside, the movie is totally kickass. Do not miss it.
  
  
• And finally, a Mithun Chakravarty song, which speaks my heart (and also sounds like a dog trainer's anthem, ahem.) - Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy, aaja aaja aaja... :)
  

i don't like this You business

Dad often sends me snippets to keep me in touch with happenings in India. His latest email had a summary of an article from New York Times reproduced in The Times of India.

***

Why is capital I used in First Person Singular Number? Germans respectfully capitalise You. England is where the capital "I" first raised its dotless head. The generally accepted linguistic explanation is that " i" could not stand alone, uncapitalised as a single letter.Charles Bigelow, a type historian and designer of font families, explains, "One little letter had to represent an important word, but it was too wimpy, graphically speaking, to carry the sematic burden. So the scribes made it bigger, which means much taller."

So what effect has capitalising "I" but not "you" - or any other pronoun - had on English speakers? It is impossible to know, but perhaps our individualistic, workoholic society would be more rooted in community and quality and less focussed on money and success if we each thought of ourselves as small "i" with a little sweet dot.

Modern e-mail culture has shown that many English speakers feel perfectly comfortable dismissing all uses of capitalisation - and even correct spelling for that matter. But take this step further: I suggest that You try, as an experiment, to capitalise those whom You address while leaving yourself in lower case. It may be a humbling experience. It was for me.

- Caroline Winter

***

His email went on to state how for the last several months, The Times of India has been using the first person singular 'i' in lowercase in all articles on the Editorial page.

Sheesh! :/