Sunday, April 24, 2011

Have a Bolly good time IV

Here's the fourth of the Bollywood A to Z quizzes. The theme for this one is 'special appearances'. See if you can identify A to Z?

A made a special appearance in movie B in the early 90s, starring C and D in the lead. C wasn't seen in any more movies for the next 10 years or so, but D has had a flourishing career. D's movie E had F in a special appearance, along with a string of other stars. D and F also had a husband-and-wife cameo in movie G, starring H and I in the lead. H and I both had cameos in movie J, where D also made a special appearance; all three had speaking roles in the movie. J had K in the lead, and K's dad L also had a cameo in the movie. Movie J also starred M in a prominent role. M's wife N made a special appearance opposite him in movie O. P, who was cast opposite the leggy Q in movie O, was cast opposite H in movie R, where S had a tragic cameo - his character dies in the movie. S's wife T made a special appearance as a blind girl in a terrible movie U, featuring V, W and D in the lead. W had a cameo in movie X where he played himself and one of his dialogues included an insider joke about the leading lady. W and Y were the male leads in a comic caper Z, and were never seen together in a movie again, though there have been rumors about a sequel. To close the loop, movie Z also had a special appearance by A.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

In search of the truth - V

It's been four months to the last 'In search of the truth' post, and here it is, the latest list of search keywords that bewdas have used to land at the bar. I am amazed at the regularity at which people are searching for 'veshti' and 'dragonfruit' and 'haircut prices at VLCC'. The one that amused me the most in today's list is the last one, for many reasons: the sms lingo, the arrow after 'SHEILA', the word 'killah' and last but not the least, the inclusion of the two hearts in the search keywords. :D

  • Commuter's helmet
  • dragon fruit
  • ja mata di
  • Kabir ke dohe song Dhan De Dhan Na Ghate
  • meaning +salgirah
  • kajra copper concentrate
  • kijwani surname
  • sayesha on the erocks
  • cost of haircut at vlcc
  • veshtiman
  • hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
  • sayesha singapore
  • hopscotch blog
  • Cin Forshay lunsford agent
  • Tere dar par sanam translation
  • combodia girl friend look 40 up 50 don
  • non-veg dohe
  • salgirah meaning
  • singer of juba pe laga laga
  • pani puri sayesha
  • kajol lovely lines in ddlj move in written anjana andekha koi ane lag
  • galyan sakli sonyachi meaning
  • one ok rock
  • bhaigiri dialogues
  • tere bin laden sayesha
  • sudeep actor earrings
  • sayesha on the rocks munnadi
  • www.santa banta aisah takia hot movies 12 ya hot m...
  • Wot is the cost of a girls haircut at Habib's?
  • do aur do ka jod hamesha char kahan hota hai meaning
  • who put the goat in there
  • dragon fruit in india
  • a stick figure wearing a cape
  • pani patasha
  • sayesha rocks
  • vlcc hair cut price
  • ideas for dumb charades
  • drive picton to kaikoura
  • definition of bewda
  • Cricket bat dimensions
  • Rongoboti
  • The little things that make life worth living
  • Shyam tolani
  • Hrithik Roshan look-alikes
  • jakie sharoff famyli foto
  • tage mahal
  • no one killed jessica bad words
  • beer tag lines
  • things will work out in the end
  • spice ad subramanium almunium
  • bumming
  • spider man
  • www. jai mata di
  • agar life real toh jab we met
  • andaz apna apna firauti ki kasam
  • SHEILA ---->sheila ki jawani...M TOO SEXY 4 YA....MAIN TERE HATH NA AANI....♥ ♥...killah song..

Thursday, April 14, 2011

You are my soniya

So last evening I excitedly messaged Viv, "Guess what? My colleagues had a HUGE bouquet of roses delivered home for my birthday!"

"Where do you think they got the address from?" was his message. At the end of his message was a winky smiley, which I totally didn't notice and so I wrote back, "HR, of course."

He showed his annoyance, "You didn't get it, did you? That they got the address from me?"


So I wrote back, "Of course I did. You're the one who didn't get it. HR = Hrithik Roshan!"

Just about saved my ass, methinks. :P

Monday, April 04, 2011

Caught in the act

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) has bagged the perfect assignment - a two-week internship in casting. She is assisting Madhur Bhandarkar in casting for his new movie about the 2011 cricket World Cup. She is excited. Not only will she get first hand experience in casting, she will also get to meet tons of actors who had refused her interviews, and also have a juicy article to boot.

She reaches the studio for the first meeting. Subramaniam, Madhur's other assistant, gives her a quick orientation.

Subramaniam - Myself Subramaniam. This is Madhur sir. This is script. This is camera. These are the cricketer sirs. These are the empty chairs. Actor sirs will be late as usual.

SSSK - Cricketers? The cricketers are here?!

Subramaniam - Of course. Madhur sir tends to get into controversies, no? That's why he prefers that the cricketers choose or at least agree on the actors who should play them.

SSSK - Ah, brilliant idea.

Two hours later, a few of the character actors start trickling in, but none of the big shot actors who had been shortlisted turn up. Finally, after everyone has settled down, the meeting begins. Madhur starts off by telling the cricketers that they will be discussing potential actors who can play them in the movie.

Yuvraj - Madhur, I have a question. Why do we need actors?? Why can't we just play ourselves?

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Madhur - Because I have seen you guys act in ads.

There is a murmur of general disagreement in the room.

Sehwag - Okay, forget the others. I am quite good I think. Did you see my acting in the ad with Ranbir? I thought I looked genuinely clueless, no?

Madhur - That's because you were genuinely clueless.

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Suddenly Rakhi Sawant barges into the room.

Rakhi - Hello? Hello?

SSSK - Oh hi, Rakhi. What's up?

Rakhi - Who are you? Where is Madhur?

SSSK - I am assisting him in the casting for the World Cup movie. I think you are in the wrong studio...

Rakhi - I am in the right studio. I am here to audition.

SSSK - Huh? Audition for the role of?? There are no female parts in this movie. Erm, in spite of his name, Mahela is a guy, you know right?

Rakhi - Please. Mujhe pata hai. I am here to play the crackter of Poonam Pandey.

SSSK - Poonam Pandey?? The model who wanted to strip if India won??

Rakhi - Haanji.

SSSK - You want to strip in the movie??

Rakhi - Offo! Did she strip? Did I marry Elesh? Bolne aur karne mein bahut fark hai.

SSSK (to Madhur) - Hmmm... we can actually have her in an item song. What do you think?

Madhur - Oh yes. Good idea. But we need to get Poonam Pandey's okay on this.

Yuvraj - Haan toh bulao na. Baahar khadi hai.

Madhur - Baahar khadi hai?????? Poonam Pandey baahar khadi hai????

Gambhir (sighs) - Yeah. Finals ke din se hamare peechhe lagi hai. Hum jahan jaate hain, woh wahan aa jaati hai. Always ready to strip. Sigh...

Yuvraj - You are saying it like it's a bad thing!

Madhur - Subramaniam, please call her in.

Rakhi - Main bulaakar laati hoon.

Rakhi comes back a few minutes later.

Madhur - Where is Poonam?

Rakhi - Woh toh latter likhne chali gayi...

Madhur - Latter... I mean letter? Didn't she already write a ridiculous letter to the BCCI?

Rakhi - Haanji, they didn't reply na... so she wants to write another latter.

Sehwag - Okay guys, let's focus now. Madhur, who will play me?

Madhur - Emraan Hashmi. You guys look similar. And Mahesh Bhatt is the producer of the movie.

Sehwag - Oooh, serial kisser! Lekin woh kisko kiss karega? Movie mein toh sirf guys hain!

Rakhi - He batter not kiss me, Madhur. Ask Mika what heppens to pipal who kiss me!

Everyone ignores her.

Kohli - Who plays me, man?

Madhur - Oh, we will have the fillers for secondary characters like you, Raina and Munaf. You know, people like Tusshar Kapoor, Kunal Khemu, Shreyas Talpade, etc.

Kohli, Raina and Munaf leave the room, offended.

Gambhir - Aur main?

Subramaniam - Gautam sir, aap toh Gambhir sir hain... we will get a serious actor to play you. Heh heh!

Gambhir - Sheesh, that's seriously the saddest and most overused joke about my name...

Gambhir also walks out.

Dhoni - Ahem, I think we're forgetting the captain here! I want nothing less than SRK or Hrithik Roshan.

Madhur - Erm... actually we had Manoj Bajpai in mind... we want someone from the Bihar/Jharkhand area to bring authenticity to your small-town-fire-in-belly character.

Dhoni - Manoj Bajpai?????? As me??????? NO WAY!

Subramaniam - Dhoni sir, it's either Manoj Bajpai sir or Ravi Kishen sir...

Dhoni - Ravi Kishen the Bhojpuri movie guy??

Subramaniam - Yes, Dhoni sir...

Dhoni (sulking) - Manoj Bajpai it is.

Yuvraj - Oye! Mere saath aisa mat karna tum log! I want a bad boy to do justice to my bad boy image... Salman Khan. He even had a movie called Yuvraj!

SSSK - Yuvi, the movie was not Yuvraj, it was Yuvvraaj.

Yuvraj (gives her a dirty look) - Doesn't matter. I want Salman.

Subramaniam - Yuvraj sir... Salman sir is too expensive after Dabangg... we're going with Suneil Shetty sir.

Yuvraj (sulking) - Chalo Ravi Kishen se toh better hai...

SSSK (blushing) - Zaheer, don't you want to know who is playing you?

Zaheer (shyly) - Sure...

SSSK - Abhay Deol.

Zaheer (surprised) - Really? Abhay Deol? How come I get Abhay Deol?

SSSK (blushing) - Because I like you and I like Abhay Deol and I think you guys are kinda similar in personality.

Zaheer (also blushing) - Sure... if you think so.

Sreesanth (impatiently) - Tum logon ka love story khatam hui toh yeh batao who is playing me!

SSSK (irritated at being interrupted) - Tch. For you... Hmmm... Bobby Deol would be a good fit.

Sreesanth (smiles proudly) - Why? Because you like me and you like Bobby Deol and you think we are kinda similar in personality?

SSSK - Of course not, Sreesanth. Don't be ridiculous.

Sreesanth - Then why Bobby Deol??

SSSK - Because he is the only one with crazy hair like yours!

Sreesanth - Please, I am a better dancer than Bobby Deol, ok?? If you cast me, I can also do an item number.

Madhur - Ugh, ok fine. You can do a guest appearance with Rakhi in the item song. Happy now?

Rakhi - Dance with Sreesanth? Oh please. I'd rather dance with Mika.

SSSK - Oooh, Mika. Madhur, how about Mika instead of Bobby? Same kind of hair...

Madhur - Good idea. We will take the cheaper of the two. Bobby just had a hit, so it could just be Mika.

Sreesanth - No no, Bobby is good, Bobby is okay...

Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Bhajji next... we need either a sardar or someone who can suit the sardar look.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, if we're taking Mika sir, maybe we can get Daler sir for a discount for Bhajji sir's role?

Madhur - Daler? For Bhajji?? Would you look at the two of them, Subramaniam??

SSSK - Oooh I know I know! Sunny Deol! He's played a sardar tons of times. And if we end up taking Bobby as Sreesanth, we may get a discount on Sunny as Bhajji!

Madhur - Sheesh. SSSK... Agar Sunny ka haath dhaai kilo ka hai, toh Bhajji ka haath dhai gram ka hai! We need a thinner guy.

SSK - A thin sardar... hmmm...

Sreesanth - Oooh, how about Siddhu?

Subramaniam - Siddhu sir! Oh yes. He's thin.

Madhur - But acting?

SSSK - Acting bhi kar lega. Nautanki hai ek number ka.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, we can also ask him to point at the Sri Lankans and laugh at the end of the movie after India wins the cup. He's quite good at laughing unnecessarily.

Madhur - Hmm... okay, give him a call. Let's see.

Bhajji (looks devastated) - Siddhu? Seriously?? Siddhu as me??? I think I am gonna cry.

Sreesanth - Ha ha ha! Aaand... life comes full circle. Tuney mujhe rulaya, maine tujhe rulaya! Ha ha ha!

Sreesanth breaks into an impromptu dance. Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Now the toughest part... who plays Tendulkar? Hmmm....

SSSK - Hmmm...

All cricketers - Hmmm...

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, the choice is obvious. Only Rajni Sir can play Sachin Sir.

Sachin (utterly shocked) - WHAT????!!!! Rajnikanth to play me??? I am 37. He is 62!!

Madhur (also taken aback) - Subramaniam, what makes you say only Rajni can play Sachin??

Subramaniam (smiles wisely) - Sir, only God can play God. No?

Friday, April 01, 2011

Fool khile hain gulshan gulshan

What do you do when you are woken up in the morning with a frantic message from your fellow Bollywood junkie friend (let's call him Thud) that goes something like this?

"OH. MY. GOD. KJo is apparently getting married. To a WOMAN!!!!!!!!!"

You open one eye and send this message.

"Nice try. Check the date. :/ "

His reply comes.

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!! I can't believe I fell for it."

Heh heh. Dude, we don't call you Thud for nothing, You fall for everything. :P

Okay, to be honest, even I would have fallen for it if I had read the news article first, and I would have been the one sending that frantic message to him. It's just that Viv had just been telling me the night before that he planned to fool his colleague by switching the keyboard and mouse connections of his computer with the colleague's and the telling him that it was due to an update from Apple. And that's how I remembered that today was April Fool's day. (Well, he didn't do it in the end. I guess jo garajte hain who baraste nahin and all that.)

The thing is - it's hard to fool people on 1st April. Especially if they remember the date. I have never tried any funny tricks on my bar's bewdas on April Fool's Day because it's so easy to figure that it's a prank. I think April Fool's day should fall on a different date each year. Perhaps each year it can be the next date. For example, if it falls on 1st April this year, it should fall on 2nd April next year. Once you reach 30 April, you go back to 1 April again. That way, we will be more likely to not remember on the day itself (haven't you had days where you wondered if the current year was a leap year or not?) and the world will have more successful and funnier pranks.