Friday, December 31, 2010

Annual report - 2010

Aaaand... wrapping up the year is the usual Bar's Annual Report (which I just realised incidentally also abbreviates into BAR. Hey bhagwaaaaan.).

2010 was the year...

... that started with a bang -- the Sonu Nigam live concert

... when two of my bestest friends R and A visited Singapore, bringing out the insane jokes all over again

... when a crowd proved how powerful it can be, albeit in a very wrong way

... when Viv had a chance to play against Jayasuriya, and get Upul Tharanga's wicket

... when Viv couldn't be around for my birthday because of work, and made it up by driving me around California, on the road trip that we had been planning for the longest time

... when Aish turned four and too wise for her Mausi

... when Dad's post-retirement organic kitchen garden really took off. I know I have mentioned this like 36485902464 times but I cannot get over the 9.5-kg pumpkin he grew without using any chemicals

... when I had the chance to meet mehfil ke puraane bewdas and bewdi Sudipta, Varsha and Jay

... when Viv and I completed a dozen years of living in Singapore

... when both sets of parents visited us in a span of a few months, first the in-laws, and then after successful implementation of the green strategy, the parents too

... when Dad's blog finally kicked off

... when S2 moved back to India. My feelings about it can be summed up from the following conversation I had with Pizzadude. "So? Are they happy to be back in India?" I asked. "Yeah. I think so." He said. "Damnit." I said.

... when Viv ran his third full marathon. I, erm, contributed. I think.

... and finally, the big celebration -- 6 years of the Bar. Can't believe it has survived 6 years. May the madness never stop!

Cheers, bewdas, and have a super 2011! :D

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Contract of deed

On 31st December last year, I wrote a post inviting bewdas to use the comments space as a blank 'contract' and put down their resolution for 2010 using only one word. To those who would leave some kind of contact details, I promised to follow up with a nudge or a kick in the ass to see how they did. So today I sat down and got in touch with them on this. Some had left their email addresses with their comments and for some, I got the email address off their blogs. Responses have started trickling in and I am really kicked.

[Oh, in case you're curious, my resolution for the year was 'discipline' and I gave myself a 'Met expectations' rating.]

So for next year, in a similar vein, I have a question for you, bewdas.

"What will you do in 2011 that you have never done before?"

Due to the nature of the question, it's not confined to only one word this year. Feel free to use as many words as you need. Do sign your 'contract with yourself' in the comments space, and I promise to get in touch again at the end of 2011!

Happy new year, y'all! :D

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

This is unheard of!

I know. I know. The bar is getting Bollywood OD. I promise this is the last Bollywood post of 2010! But I have to do this because of tradition. Last year I wrote a post of all the movies that had released in the year that most of us had never heard of, and I thought I should continue the tradition this year too.

Presenting, bewdas and bewdis, movies that apparently released this year, making me go "Huh?? When??"

Did you know of any of them??

A distant mirage
Aakhari decision
Admissions open
A flat
Ada...a way of life
And once again
Ashok chakra
Baru - the wonder kid
Benny and Babloo
Bhindi Baazar Inc.
Daayen ya baayen
Deewangi ne hadd kar di
Do dilon ke khel mein
Dus tola
Ek second... jo zindagi badal de
Hello! Hum Lallan bol rahe hain
Hello zindagi
Hide & seek
Idiot box
It's a man's world
Jaane bhi do yaaron
Khalbali - fun unlimited
Kis hudh tak
Krantiveer - the revolution
Life express
Kuchh kariye
Maalik ek
Mr. Bhatti on chutti
Mr Singh Mrs Mehta
Muskurake dekh zara
Na ghar ka na ghaat ka
Prem kaa game
Raat gayi baat gayi
Road to sangam
Soch lo
Thanks Maa
The waiting room
Trump card
Zindagi tere naam

Monday, December 27, 2010

Have a Bolly good time II

I had so much fun cracking the A-to-Z Bollywood quiz that I decided to try my hand at designing one myself. It also looks like many of you bewdas also went nuts over it. Do try the one below. It's my first and I decided to start off with something relatively simple. I think many bewdas will be able to easily crack this. If all goes well, I'll make this a regular flavour at the bar next year. I may need to ban two-time champion bewda/bewdi Sandwalker from these quizzes though. ;)

PS: Don't read the comments section if you want to try solving it first.

Movie A almost featured popular Bollywood star B but the role of the phenomenally popular character C went to D instead, reviving his career. D's close relatives E and F played mother and son in a movie G. G also featured H whose son went on to marry D's sister. H's son also starred with D in a hit movie I, which featured an iconic song J sung by ghazal maestro K. This movie was directed by a famous director L whose relative M is known for the rather liberal use of a certain set of facial muscles. M's cousin N shot into notoriety by featuring on a controversial magazine cover. N won the Filmfare Best Female Debut award for her role in the movie O even though technically her first movie was P, both directed by L. O also featured talented actor Q in a prominent role. Q, who has won the Filmfare Best Comedian award multiple times, received critical acclaim for his convincing portrayal of an old man in movie R, also directed by L. He was also part of one of the biggest Bollywood hits of all time S, directed by T and featuring U as one of the leads. U's relative V, rumoured to be headed for the altar with T, was the lead in a movie opposite talented and popular superstar W, where W sang a chartbuster X. W also acted in a very long movie Y, opposite Z. To close the loop, Z was the female lead in A.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Subordinate Claus

Christmas eve. I call up baby Aish.

Me - Hi, Aishu! What's happening?

Aish - I'm waiting for my surprise present.

Me - Oh. Who's getting you a surprise present?

Aish - Santa.

Me - Oh! Santa?

Aish - Yes, Santa will come on a reindeer and he'll bring my present.

Me - Wow. What present will he bring for you?

Aish - Umm... I need shoes. I think he will bring me shoes.

Me - Aishuuuu....

Aish - What?

Me - I need shoes too!!!

Aish - Okay, he will bring shoes for you too.

Me - Sure? You'll tell him??

Aish - Okay, I will call him and tell him.

Wow. Reaching Santa had never been this easy. :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Pair tuney kya kiya - results show

Wow. Usually, there's a clear winner in such polls, one that outnumbers all others considerably. This time, however, there are just too many contenders, and though we do have a clean winner, this one just got 4 out of the 30-something votes while the rest got 1-2 each.

Prem Aggan got 2 votes, though one of the voters mistakenly referred to the heroine Meghna Kothari as Neelam Kothari. Oh boy, Sameer Soni would refuse to step out of the Bigg Boss house forever, and poor Neelam Kothari would surely have fainted if she was asked to say the sleazy line that Meghna Kothari had to say, "Sooraj, mujhe woh haseen dard de do jise aaj ke baad main kisi doosre ke saath na baant sakoon." (WHAT?! You don't believe someone actually wrote a piece of dialogue like that?? Look for this scene on Youtube, it's there.)

As for my own vote, I really couldn't decide. Urmila and Himesh were quite intolerable in Karzzz but then he's intolerable with anyone. Sanju and Urmila looked pretty bad in Daud. Ajay Devgn with Aisha Takia was a bad choice in 'Sunday'. And oh, moustache or no moustache, SRK with Sridevi in Army was no-NO-NO! I recently watched 'Run' on TV (oh my goodness how crappy is that movie?!) and thought Abhishek and Bhoomika looked really funny together. Both have very fat lower lips and they ended up looking like each other.

Anyway, back to the results of this poll. Presenting, the most hopeless onscreen pairing of them all, the winner of this poll -- Shahid Kapoor and Vidya Balan in 'Kismat Konnection'. Voters felt that she looked like his mother, his sister, etc. etc. Basically everything except his heroine.
[Image courtesy]

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Pair tuney kya kiya

It's been a while since we had a Bollywood poll at the bar. So here it is, the last one of the year!

Name the worst onscreen pairing you ever saw in a Hindi movie. You have to name the movie, the actor, the actress and why seeing them together made you cringe-cringe-cringe. The cringing should be only because of the pairing and not how bad the movie was, etc.

Do drop your votes in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. For the umpteenth time, there is no point yelling 'Gold!' on such posts! :P

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Humble beginnings

So I called up my sister and she told me Aish had won the third prize in an art competition in the 'kindergarten' category.

"Hey, but she's only in pre-school!" I said.

"I know." My sister said proudly, "But she was there so they allowed her to enter in the youngest category they had, and she actually won!"

"Give her the phone." I said.

"Mausiiii... I won a prize!" I heard Aishu say.

"I heard, baby. Well done! You are a genius!" I said, proudly.

"I am not a genius!" She said indignantly. "I am Aishu."

Wah wah.

Never mind the fact that she said that because she doesn't know what on earth 'genius' means (she probably thought I was calling her a monkey or something), but what a lesson in humility to all grown-ups. :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

I stand corrected

Viv - Your phone is really bad. You should change it.

Me - What?! Why?? My phone is fine!

Viv - It's not. It's really bad. You should change it.

Me - You gave me this phone!

Viv - I know. But now you should change it.

Me - Change it to what??

Viv - E71.

Me - E71?! That's worse than my Samsung. The keys are microscopic! They need to throw in a toothpick free so people can type messages.

Viv - It's a great phone. You should change to that.

Me - Why should I get the E71 of all phones?? Just because you have one... ohhh... AHA!!

Viv - Erm, what?

Me - You want an iPhone, don't you?

Viv - Err...

Me - You want to get an iPhone and you want to hand me down your E71 so you wouldn't feel bad. AHA!!!!!!

Viv - *grin*

Me - Sorry, dude. Not gonna happen.

Sheesh. I remember him comparing the E71 and iPhone, and finally picking the E71 for some reason. (Don't ask me about phones. As long as I can send/receive calls and messages, I don't care much for other features. Exasperated friends will also tell you that I am notorious for not keeping my phone near me and in the process missing 99.99% of the calls. It's true. I really don't care what/where/how my phone is.) Anyway, back to the story. So now, within a year, he wants to switch to an iPhone. Sheesh.

Cut to yesterday. I was on Facebook and someone had shared this link. Okay, do you remember the last time you had laughed so hard you had tears in your eyes? That's what happened to me when I read the stuff on the site. I read page after page after page... Inappropriately hilarious!

So when Viv walked into the room, I showed him the link.

"So. This is the phone you wanted to get, yeah?" I asked him, wiping my tears away. "You should totally get it."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Band bajaa diya

Random thoughts after watching Band Baaja Baaraat at Jade theatre with Viv and Pizzadude last night:

Image courtesy

  • A lot of hyped movies released recently but I did not want to watch any of them. I did not want to watch KHJJS or Break Ke Baad because I can't stand Deepika. I did not want to watch Guzaarish because I can't stand Aishwarya. I did not want to watch No Problem because I can't stand Kangana after watching her in the latest episode of Koffee with Karan. Phas Gaya Re Obama didn't release in Singapore, but I am not sure if I'd have watched it because I can't stand Neha Dhupia either. (Whoa, that's a whole load of actresses I can't stand, eh?)

  • It was a very good decision to skip all the crap and go for this movie. Viv and I had been curious about Band Baajaa Baaraat ever since we saw the trailer on TV. And they also kept showing the making of the 'Ainwain ainwain' song on TV so it was stuck in my head.

  • Before the movie, they showed the full trailer of Toonpur ka Superhero. I was never going to watch it anyway because, um, I can't stand Kajol after K3G and Fanaa, but after watching the trailer, wild horses can't drag me to the theatre for this one. There's a scene where the cartoons ask Ajay Devgan, 'Tumhaare pass kaun si gun hai?' and he quips, 'Dev-gun'. SHEESH. DABBAL SHEESH. "You dhakkan!" I wanted to scream at the screen. "You ain't got no gun anymore. You took the 'u' out, didn't you? Now you've just got 'gn'!" (Of course I can pronounce 'gn'. I live in a country where 'Ng' is a common surname.)

  • On a side note, I have to say this before I forget -- the samosas at the Indian stall on level 1 of Shaw Tower are AWESOME. (Yeah, we smuggled some in. Shhhh!)

  • I didn't like Anushka Sharma too much in Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, but in Band Baaja Baaraat, I must say she totally blew me away with her acting skills. She pulled off a wide range of emotions so effortlessly. Can't believe they picked up this gem off the ramp!

  • I'd never found her very pretty either, but in this movie, she really looks very good, even though it's in the girl-next-door way.

  • One of my favourite scenes of hers was the one where Ranveer says, "Ek karod mein toh aath zero hote hain na??" And she says, "Nahin buddhu, saat." The way she laughs in that scene is so natural, it's almost as if it was a blooper and they just decided to use it because it was so good.

  • The new guy Ranveer Singh was very good too, and I especially adored the way he spoke. Binnas, anyone? He's not much of a looker, but then you never know -- if Ajay Devgn made it to the A-list, maybe there's hope for Ranveer too.

  • The dialogue was really earthy and witty. "Gueston ko dekho!" "Phati kyun padi hai teri?" "Kahin aur setting hai?" "Ya toh khul ke hanso ya hanso hi mat!" "Shitt bhi bolti hai toh lagta hai FM baj raha hai."

  • Okay, we have like three versions of the name in Bollywood now -- Ranbir, Ranvir and Ranveer. What next? Run-beer?

  • Jhataak though they were, I loved Anushka's outfits.

  • I liked the music quite a bit, especially 'Tarkeebein'.

  • The "Sir... tubelight..." touch was sheer genius.

  • The movie is getting good reviews all over. What I love the most is the fact that this simple homely tale totally band-bajaaoed all the recent big releases. It may not do well in terms of binnas, but it's really worth a watch.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Have a Bolly good time!

One of the bewdis of the bar AA sent me the ultimate baap of Bollywood quizzes. [Yes, those are her initials and not me calling her an Anonymous Alcoholic though I just realised that all bewdas and bewdis at the bar are actually anonymous alcoholics.]

It was too good not to share with my Bollywood buddy Pizzadude. So we met over the weekend, watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to get into the fultu Bollywood mode, and cracked the puzzle.

You guys wanna take a stab at it? :)

A is one of the lead actresses of movie B. In the movie, there's a famous cabaret number C picturised on her and D, a close relative of a well known Bollywood director E. E's relative F made his debut with a flop movie G. G happens to be the launch pad of another debutant H. One of H's relatives I is famous for producing a healthy mix of Bollywood hits and flops, most recently being J, featuring K and L. K's father M is a talented actor who is now working with H for his movie N. N is also the name of another old movie which starred a super talented actor O who immortalised a character P in a super hit movie Q. Q also starred a famous Bollywood couple R and S. S tried her hand at directing a movie T which also featured a famous Bollywood star U and late V. U and V also starred in U's first movie W which also had X, who happens to be another relative of E. X starred in some famous multi-starrers, one of them being Y, titled on the names of its lead characters; also having Z as one of the leads. To complete the cycle, Z also featured with A in B.

PS: Okay, sooner or later, one of the bewdas/bewdis will crack the code, but the true Bollywood fan will not peek at the comments box until he/she has cracked it himself/herself, okay? Okay!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yours for keeps

You know your joke is really, like REALLY bad, when even Viv, the king of bad jokes, refuses to laugh at it. :|

So Mr. Wicket Keeper is in Malaysia with the team for a tournament, and when he called yesterday after the first day of the match, I said brightly, "Hi Viv, hope you're keeping well. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Complete silence. Hmmph! :/

Friday, December 10, 2010

In search of the truth - IV

I haven't posted anything on the search keywords bewdas have used to land at the bar in some time. Luckily, there are no really disturbing ones in this round, but 'Sheela Kijwani' turned up -- that was fast! And someone tried to find the Bhai on linkedin. Underworld ke links linkedin par nahin hote, beta. Muahahaha!

Anyway, here is the list:
  • veshti
  • senorita banana
  • wedding sehri things
  • akshay kumar barana de lyrics
  • sayesha on the orcdks
  • dil toh pagal hai dialogues
  • Mirja Ghalib ki gajalein
  • hot sexi movie on facebook
  • juba pe laga lyrics
  • jab we met... ek dam kadak beauty ..dialogue
  • badminton player ali yaar baig's narcotics baned
  • dehleez ke diye
  • galyan sakli sonyachi lyrics
  • cost of haircut at vlcc
  • on the rocks
  • jigar ka tukda means
  • "sheela kijwani" sayesha
  • mineral water pani puri indore
  • veer zaara locations wagah border
  • words to write in a farewell card
  • sonakshi taller than salman
  • mujh se ladne ki himmat to juta loge par kaminapan kahan se laoge?
  • Sayesha bartender Bhai, linkedin

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Truth of the youth

I had been hearing and reading a lot about Munni vs. Sheela on radio. Also, someone's Facebook status was 'Agar Sheela pehle jawaan ho jaati toh Munni itni badnaam nahin hoti'. Sheesh, but it made me laugh. So I decided to look up this Sheela chick.

And it drove me nuts. I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. Agreed, that Katrina looks hot and the tune is really catchy, but what's with the lyrics???

My name is Sheela
Sheela ki jawani
I'm too sexy for you
Main tere haath na aani

Am I missing something? What does she mean "My name is Sheela, Sheela ki jawani"? Sheela ki jawani what?! There's no follow-up to the words 'Sheela ki jawani'! She just goes on to a completely new statement! In English! It's driving me mad!!! I need to be able to explain it!!!! (Though honestly I don't think it bothers anyone as much as it bothers me.)

Wait, maybe she's Sindhi and her surname is Kijawani? Now THAT makes sense -- My name is Sheela. Sheela Kijawani. Like 'My name is Bond. James Bond.' No? Okay fine. Hmmph. You explain it.

For those who have not yet seen the song (unlikely), check it out, featuring as the video of the week at the bar -- 'Love-it-or-hate-it-you-can't-ignore-it -- Sheela ki jawani'.

Video courtesy Youtube

Sunday, December 05, 2010

It runs in the family

So the Standard Chartered marathon bib (the one that goes on the runners' back) has a space where you can write a slogan to encourage the runners behind you. Viv gave me the task of thinking of a cool slogan to put on his.

I thought and thought and after a while all I could suggest was, "Why don't you overtake me so I can see if you have a cool slogan or not?" I thought it would really encourage (or piss off) the runner behind and egg him/her to go faster (unless he/she had a really bad slogan and would prefer to stay behind Viv). Needless to say, I got a dirty look from Viv for my suggestion. That was it. It was 2 am for heaven's sake. The only part of my brain that works at such an hour is the Bollywood lobe.

So my filmi mind went on overdrive and came up with all of these slogans below, all of which got systematically rejected, of course. In the end, he went with the rather mellow "The end is near... Keep going." (I came up with the "The end is near" and I wanted to add three exclamation marks after it and leave it at that, but he added the "Keep going." and killed the drama.) Hmmmph. Booooo-ring!

So here's the list of my cool (and rejected) Bollywood slogans:

  • Bhaaaaago mohan pyaare...
  • Dauuuddd (imagine the annoying way in which Rahman sang it)
  • Bhaaaago... building mein... aag lag gayi hai! (think Asit Sen)
  • Towards the run-ji trophy
  • Mere run mein runne wali
  • Bhaag Dhanno bhaag!
  • Main tujhko bhaga laaya hoon tere ghar se!
  • Run-chhoddas Shyamaldas Chanchad
  • Bhaagte raho!
  • Chal bhaag yahan se!
  • Kyon aage peechhe dolte ho bhanwron ki tarah?
  • Duniya hai mere peechhe, lekin main tere peechhe
  • Aage aage chale hum, peechhe peechhe preet mitwa
  • Mere peechhe mere aage, haath jode duniya bhaage
  • Megha chhayi aadhi raat, bai-run ban gayi nindiya
  • Bhaag utha insaan
  • Raja ko running se pyaar ho gaya
  • Hum hain run-bhoomi ke run-veer!

Got any more?

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The plane truth

I got scolded. :(

By a 4-year-old. :( :(

You know how when your nieces and nephews are very young and they say these cute little random things that you love to hear so much? And then they grow up and you realise that you haven't?

Happened to me. :( :( :(

When Aishu was about 3, she used to look at the yellow school buses passing her window in fascination and dream of the day when she would be in one of them. And when I'd call her and ask, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore?" she'd say, "I'll go to Singapore tomorrow in the ellow school bus." And then I'd ask her the same question 383565739393 times in the conversation just to hear her say 'ellow school bus' 383565739393 times.

So recently I remembered that and asked her, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore in the ellow school bus?"

"Mausiiii...!" she exclaimed in indignation. "You don't go to Singapore in the yellow school bus! You go to school in the yellow school bus. You go to Singapore in an aeroplane!"