Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pee(r) pressure

Viv - Do you remember the movie 'Me, Myself and Irene'?

Me - Yeah. Why?

Viv - If the movie's title was in second person, what would it be?

Me (not daring to venture any guesses but gearing up for the bad joke that I know will follow) - Erm... what?

Viv - You, Yourself and Urine.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

New kids on the block

As Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) drove her portable treehouse towards the venue of the party, she looked at the invitation card that she had managed to get her hands on.

Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan would like to invite you to a special 'Welcome to Bollywood' party.

"Ha!" SSSK said to herself as the treehouse swerved dangerously, "You think if you don't invite SSSK, she won't invite herself??"

She reached the venue and found a stretch of road leading towards the lawn where the party was. She took the treehouse all the way in and parked it next to a tree.

"Ah." She said. "Perfectly disguised."

She clambered over the longest branch, armed with her notepad and pencil and surveyed the area.

It was a small party of about twelve. Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan were dressed similarly, in black, and were standing right under the branch, mingling with their guests. Ranbir was getting progressively more and more drunk. Based on her exemplary stalking abilities, SSSK was able to instantly tell that the invite had been sent to star kids and newbies making their debut in Bollywood.

Ranbir - Abbe woh chhoti bachi kaun hai?

Imran - Chhoti bachi? Woh? Arre woh Mahesh Bhatt ki beti hai...

Ranbir - Mahesh Bhatt ki beti... Pooja Bhatt??? Isn't she like... umm... 83?

Imran - Arre Pooja nahin, Mahesh Bhatt ki chhoti beti Alia Bhatt.

Ranbir - Aha! Chal ragging karte hain...

Imran - Abbe bahut innocent hai yaar, rehne de... shakal dekh kar lag raha hai rone lagegi... phir Mahesh Uncle Mamu ko phone karenge and as usual I'll get into trouble...

Ranbir - Abbe, hum log seniors hai. Freshies ki ragging toh karni padegi...

Both walk towards Alia.

Ranbir (more than a little tipsy) - Helllooooo... Alia. Correct?

Alia - No, it's not Ahluwalia. It's Bhatt.

Ranbir - Whatt??

Alia - No, Bhatt!

Ranbir - Huh???

Imran (rolls eyes) - Sheesh. Hi, Alia. I am Imran. This is Ranbir. Thanks for coming to our party.

Alia - Oh it's my pleasure.

Ranbir - So Alia, rumour has it that you're dating your co-star Varun Dhawan?

Alia - Ummm... ya.

Ranbir - This Varun Dhawan is David Dhawan's son, yeah? The Govinda wala David Dhawan??

Varun (suddenly turning up from nowhere) - Hey! I take offense to that.

Ranbir - Oh... sorry, bro. I retract the statement.

Varun - No worries. Anyway Dad said I can't take offense till I become a star.

Imran - Ahem. Okayyy... So Alia, you're only 17. Your Dad is okay with you dating Varun?

Alia - Ummm... ya. Dad is the one who asked Varun and me to say that we're dating.

Varun - Oh yes, that's correct.

Imran - Huh? Why??

Alia and Varun (together) - Because then people will watch our movie.

Somewhere in a posh house several miles away, Mahesh Bhatt, listening to the conversation through a bug, does a facepalm.

Ranbir and Imran try to hide their sniggers.

Imran (spots hot chick) - Va va vooooooom! Who is that?????

Ranbir - Abbe, stop drooling. Shaadi-shuda insaan kahin ka!!

Imran - Bol na, kaun hai yeh??

Ranbir - Tere league se bahut oopar hai. Rockstar ki heroine hai.

Imran - So what? Main bhi Superstar ka bhanja hoon!

Hot chick (flirtily) - Hiii, boys!

Alia checks out the hot chick from top to bottom with a look of disgust.

Ranbir (Gabbar style) - Ab tera kya hoga, Alia?

Imran - Umm... Hi, I am Imran. And you are...?

Hot chick - Nargis. Nargis Fakhri.

Imran - Nargis what-ri??

Nargis - Fakh! Fakh!

Alia (presses her hands over her ears) - Aaaaaaaaa! Profanity. Profanity. I'm only 17!

Ranbir (spots Ahana Deol walking towards them) - Alia, tujhe toh paap lag gaya. Ask Ahana to purify you... with her Kent Aar-Wo purifier. Ha ha ha!

Ahana (gives Ranbir a dirty look) - Please. That's not the only thing I am known for. Both Didi and I have tons of offers, ok?

Imran (under his breath) - Esha ko disha nahin mil rahi, aur Ahana ko bahana nahin mil raha! Ranbir, chal yaar, let's see ladke kaise hain.

Both approach a pimply teenager.

Ranbir - Hi, I am Ranbir. This is Imran. And you are...?

Pimply teenager - Tiger. Tiger Shroff. Son of Jackie Shroff.

Imran - Tiger Shroff?? Hahaha! Asli naam kya hai?

Tiger (offended) - Yeh asli naam hi hai.

Ranbir - Abbe, jab tere dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin tha, toh tera asli naam Tiger kahan se?

Tiger - What?? Dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin hai???

Imran (showing off his Bollywood knowledge) - It's actually Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff.

Tiger - WHAT?!! You must be joking. (dials a number) Dad?? Your real name is Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff??? Like.. seriously?? What?! O.M.G. What about my real name? Is it Tiger or not?? WHAT?! Then what is it?? WHAT???!!! Jai Hemant?? What kind of a name is that???

Ranbir and Imran are having a tough time controlling their giggles. A very upset Tiger Shroff walks off.

Ranbir - Tiger toh gaya, yeh kaun aaya?

Rocky - Hi, I am Rocky Deol.

Ranbir - Achha?? Hahahaha! Rocky?? Asli naam kya hai?

Rocky - It is Rocky. Mere family mein aise stylish naam hi hote hain. Jaise ki Papa is Sunny and chachu is Bobby.

Imran (delighted to be able to show off again) - Don't you mean Ajay Singh Deol and Vijay Singh Deol?

Rocky - WHAT?!!

Rocky undergoes the same 'dial Daddy's number' routine and leaves the party, visibly upset.

Imran - Yeh kya kya naam rakh dete hain log apne bachon ke??

Ranbir - Hahaha! I know man... Achha is bakre ko pakadte hain, shaayad iska koi normal naam ho.

Imran - Hey, bro. I am Imran and this is Ranbir. And you are...?

Bakra - Hi, I am Sakshi.

Ranbir (chokes on his drink) - WHAT?! (whispers to Imran) Abbe how drunk am I? I swear I see a guy in front of me!

Imran (under his breath) - It is a guy, you dhakkan. (to Sakshi) You are Sakshi??

Sakshi - Yep. I am Sakshi Khanna. Vinod Khanna's son.

Ranbir - So your name is really Sakshi? You are a guy and your name is Sakshi??

Imran - Shut up, Ranbir.

Sakshi (sulking) - Well, yeah... I don't know why Dad decided to name me Sakshi.

Ranbir - Hmmm... Maybe he hates you. Yeh baap log hote hi aise hain, bachon ki khushiyan dekhi nahin jaati unse. Mere wale ko hi dekho, he keeps asking me to stay away from my heroines and focus on my career. Jealoussss!

Sakshi (temper rising) - My Dad doesn't hate me ok??!! And I will change my name before my debut ok??? And then no one will tease me ok?????

Imran - Baap re, itna gussa! I have a great suggestion for your new name based on your fiery temper. You should call yourself AgniSakshi! Ha Ha ha!

Sakshi storms out.

Ranbir and Imran have a debrief session by the pool.

Imran - So? What do you think? How's the competition?

Ranbir - Competition?! Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.

Meanwhile, in one of the hotel rooms upstairs, Shah Rukh, Aamir and Salman are watching Imran and Ranbir using a spy cam.

Aamir - So? What do you think?

SRK - Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I really should do a series called 'gyaan for grown-ups' by baby Aish. Sample this.

Me (on phone to sis) - What's Aish up to? Getting ready for school?

Sis - Actually she has a fever, so she won't go today. Aish, you want to talk to Mausi?

Aish (feeble voice) - Mausiii...

Me - Yes, Aishu... What happened to you?

Aish - I have a fever...

Me - Poor baby... it will get better soon. How did you get it?

Aish - I got it from my friend. And I can't go to school now.

Me - Oh dear. You must not like it at all, isn't it?

Aish - No, I still like the friend. I just don't like the fever.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Point of return

The Bhai is back.

A thousand apologies to the bewdas for suddenly disappearing on them, and a thousand thanks to the bewdas who wrote in to check on me. No, the Bhai wasn't arrested or anything. (Well, come to think of it, she kind of was, but we will talk about that another day.)

For now, I am back in the bar and it's business as usual.


Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Mum's (the) word

So Mom was here for a visit, and on one of the days, Viv and I were supposed to call her when she was at home and tell her to take a bus and meet us at a place at a particular time. Now this was going to be a big event, because she had never really taken the bus by herself to a new place before. Viv had given her rough instructions, but had told her that we would call and tell her again.

When we called her, the phone was beeping (or like my niece Aishu says, "Mausi, your phone is crying. You need to charge it.") so Mom said she will change the batteries first in case we got cut off in the middle of our conversation. So she hung up and that's it -- we just couldn't get through to her after that. It looked like the phone was indeed out of charge, and though Viv had shown her where the charged batteries were, she was probably having a tough time opening the phone to change them. I don't blame her -- many a pretty and blameless fingernail of mine had perished in the attempts to change the batteries and so it was always Viv who changed them.

Viv and I stared at each other. Now what??

"Do you think she will panic?" He asked.

"No," I said, "I think she's already panicking!"

"Maybe she will just stay put at home?"

"But what if she leaves home based on your earlier instructions?? And then we can't find her??"

"Maybe we should go home now and pick her up?"

"What if she has already left home by the time we get there?"

"Maybe she will try to open the phone with a screwdriver or something?"

"Maybe she has already broken the phone?"

Ok. Ok. Stop panicking. Regroup. Regroup. Think. I told myself.

"Ah!" I said.

"What?" Viv asked.

"She will go to a neighbour."

"Are you sure??"

"Yep. She's an Indian Mom. They do that. I'm telling you. She will pakka go to a neighbour!"

I was confident, even though I had just had this conversation with her a few days ago.

Mom - So who lives here?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - And this side?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - And opposite?
Me - Dunno.
Mom - You don't know your neighbours??
Me - Um, no. It's different in Singapore. We don't really have the "Aunty, Mummy ne ek katori cheeni mangaayi hai." or "Bhabhiji, hum ek mahiney ke liye out of town ja rahe hain. Yeh rahi ghar ki chaabhiyan, zara nazar rakhiyega?"
Mom - So you have no interaction with your own neighbours??
Me - Yeeahh.. Not so much. If I went over and started talking to them about cheeni ki katori or chaabhiyan, I'd probably get dirty looks...

I don't know. Maybe it's me, maybe I've just become cynical, but the vibrant 'neighbour culture' in India, is truly found only in India. It's not like I have not made an effort, but things here are more formal and people don't 'haq se' impose themselves on their neighbours the way they do in India. And that's how I have adapted myself to live here.

Anyway, so back to my story and how it ended -- Mom called Viv about 15 minutes later. From some unknown number.

Not only had she found a willing-to-help neighbour, she had found a happy-to-help Indian neighbor.

Jai ho, Mom!