Saturday, March 26, 2011

New kids on the block

As Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) drove her portable treehouse towards the venue of the party, she looked at the invitation card that she had managed to get her hands on.

Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan would like to invite you to a special 'Welcome to Bollywood' party.

"Ha!" SSSK said to herself as the treehouse swerved dangerously, "You think if you don't invite SSSK, she won't invite herself??"

She reached the venue and found a stretch of road leading towards the lawn where the party was. She took the treehouse all the way in and parked it next to a tree.

"Ah." She said. "Perfectly disguised."

She clambered over the longest branch, armed with her notepad and pencil and surveyed the area.

It was a small party of about twelve. Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan were dressed similarly, in black, and were standing right under the branch, mingling with their guests. Ranbir was getting progressively more and more drunk. Based on her exemplary stalking abilities, SSSK was able to instantly tell that the invite had been sent to star kids and newbies making their debut in Bollywood.

Ranbir - Abbe woh chhoti bachi kaun hai?

Imran - Chhoti bachi? Woh? Arre woh Mahesh Bhatt ki beti hai...

Ranbir - Mahesh Bhatt ki beti... Pooja Bhatt??? Isn't she like... umm... 83?

Imran - Arre Pooja nahin, Mahesh Bhatt ki chhoti beti Alia Bhatt.

Ranbir - Aha! Chal ragging karte hain...

Imran - Abbe bahut innocent hai yaar, rehne de... shakal dekh kar lag raha hai rone lagegi... phir Mahesh Uncle Mamu ko phone karenge and as usual I'll get into trouble...

Ranbir - Abbe, hum log seniors hai. Freshies ki ragging toh karni padegi...

Both walk towards Alia.

Ranbir (more than a little tipsy) - Helllooooo... Alia. Correct?

Alia - No, it's not Ahluwalia. It's Bhatt.

Ranbir - Whatt??

Alia - No, Bhatt!

Ranbir - Huh???

Imran (rolls eyes) - Sheesh. Hi, Alia. I am Imran. This is Ranbir. Thanks for coming to our party.

Alia - Oh it's my pleasure.

Ranbir - So Alia, rumour has it that you're dating your co-star Varun Dhawan?

Alia - Ummm... ya.

Ranbir - This Varun Dhawan is David Dhawan's son, yeah? The Govinda wala David Dhawan??

Varun (suddenly turning up from nowhere) - Hey! I take offense to that.

Ranbir - Oh... sorry, bro. I retract the statement.

Varun - No worries. Anyway Dad said I can't take offense till I become a star.

Imran - Ahem. Okayyy... So Alia, you're only 17. Your Dad is okay with you dating Varun?

Alia - Ummm... ya. Dad is the one who asked Varun and me to say that we're dating.

Varun - Oh yes, that's correct.

Imran - Huh? Why??

Alia and Varun (together) - Because then people will watch our movie.

Somewhere in a posh house several miles away, Mahesh Bhatt, listening to the conversation through a bug, does a facepalm.

Ranbir and Imran try to hide their sniggers.

Imran (spots hot chick) - Va va vooooooom! Who is that?????

Ranbir - Abbe, stop drooling. Shaadi-shuda insaan kahin ka!!

Imran - Bol na, kaun hai yeh??

Ranbir - Tere league se bahut oopar hai. Rockstar ki heroine hai.

Imran - So what? Main bhi Superstar ka bhanja hoon!

Hot chick (flirtily) - Hiii, boys!

Alia checks out the hot chick from top to bottom with a look of disgust.

Ranbir (Gabbar style) - Ab tera kya hoga, Alia?

Imran - Umm... Hi, I am Imran. And you are...?

Hot chick - Nargis. Nargis Fakhri.

Imran - Nargis what-ri??

Nargis - Fakh! Fakh!

Alia (presses her hands over her ears) - Aaaaaaaaa! Profanity. Profanity. I'm only 17!

Ranbir (spots Ahana Deol walking towards them) - Alia, tujhe toh paap lag gaya. Ask Ahana to purify you... with her Kent Aar-Wo purifier. Ha ha ha!

Ahana (gives Ranbir a dirty look) - Please. That's not the only thing I am known for. Both Didi and I have tons of offers, ok?

Imran (under his breath) - Esha ko disha nahin mil rahi, aur Ahana ko bahana nahin mil raha! Ranbir, chal yaar, let's see ladke kaise hain.

Both approach a pimply teenager.

Ranbir - Hi, I am Ranbir. This is Imran. And you are...?

Pimply teenager - Tiger. Tiger Shroff. Son of Jackie Shroff.

Imran - Tiger Shroff?? Hahaha! Asli naam kya hai?

Tiger (offended) - Yeh asli naam hi hai.

Ranbir - Abbe, jab tere dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin tha, toh tera asli naam Tiger kahan se?

Tiger - What?? Dad ka asli naam Jackie nahin hai???

Imran (showing off his Bollywood knowledge) - It's actually Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff.

Tiger - WHAT?!! You must be joking. (dials a number) Dad?? Your real name is Jai Kishan Kakubhai Shroff??? Like.. seriously?? What?! O.M.G. What about my real name? Is it Tiger or not?? WHAT?! Then what is it?? WHAT???!!! Jai Hemant?? What kind of a name is that???

Ranbir and Imran are having a tough time controlling their giggles. A very upset Tiger Shroff walks off.

Ranbir - Tiger toh gaya, yeh kaun aaya?

Rocky - Hi, I am Rocky Deol.

Ranbir - Achha?? Hahahaha! Rocky?? Asli naam kya hai?

Rocky - It is Rocky. Mere family mein aise stylish naam hi hote hain. Jaise ki Papa is Sunny and chachu is Bobby.

Imran (delighted to be able to show off again) - Don't you mean Ajay Singh Deol and Vijay Singh Deol?

Rocky - WHAT?!!

Rocky undergoes the same 'dial Daddy's number' routine and leaves the party, visibly upset.

Imran - Yeh kya kya naam rakh dete hain log apne bachon ke??

Ranbir - Hahaha! I know man... Achha is bakre ko pakadte hain, shaayad iska koi normal naam ho.

Imran - Hey, bro. I am Imran and this is Ranbir. And you are...?

Bakra - Hi, I am Sakshi.

Ranbir (chokes on his drink) - WHAT?! (whispers to Imran) Abbe how drunk am I? I swear I see a guy in front of me!

Imran (under his breath) - It is a guy, you dhakkan. (to Sakshi) You are Sakshi??

Sakshi - Yep. I am Sakshi Khanna. Vinod Khanna's son.

Ranbir - So your name is really Sakshi? You are a guy and your name is Sakshi??

Imran - Shut up, Ranbir.

Sakshi (sulking) - Well, yeah... I don't know why Dad decided to name me Sakshi.

Ranbir - Hmmm... Maybe he hates you. Yeh baap log hote hi aise hain, bachon ki khushiyan dekhi nahin jaati unse. Mere wale ko hi dekho, he keeps asking me to stay away from my heroines and focus on my career. Jealoussss!

Sakshi (temper rising) - My Dad doesn't hate me ok??!! And I will change my name before my debut ok??? And then no one will tease me ok?????

Imran - Baap re, itna gussa! I have a great suggestion for your new name based on your fiery temper. You should call yourself AgniSakshi! Ha Ha ha!

Sakshi storms out.

Ranbir and Imran have a debrief session by the pool.

Imran - So? What do you think? How's the competition?

Ranbir - Competition?! Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.

Meanwhile, in one of the hotel rooms upstairs, Shah Rukh, Aamir and Salman are watching Imran and Ranbir using a spy cam.

Aamir - So? What do you think?

SRK - Hahahaha! Look at them, man! Total dhakkans. Relax, we have nothing to worry about. It's going to be us all the way.


Calvin said...

wow... This was one hilarious piece... Esha ko disha and ahana ko bahana nahi milta, was awesome... And poooooor sakshi khanna... :D
this had me in splits... This was long due, sayesha... Thanks for posting this....

Arun said...

SSSK didn't fall off the tree laughing? Really?

mythalez said...

first, how do u even know about all this brand new star kids??

and as usual .. sssk writing is the best!!

Stupidosaur said...

Hahaha! Toofani post!

Err..too funny post i mean ;).Toofani se tree house hil jayega aur SSSK gir jayegi!

Wait Arun above was speculating same thing for 'too funny' yoo. So with so many similarities maybe 'Toofani!' is same as 'Too funny!' :P

Maybe this theory needs refinement. Too Funny could be a special sub-case of Toofani, since there could be others too.

vineet said...

Wow..i am amazed at the effort you have put in for research. Needless to say that you have woven it in your trademark humor.

V said...

Good one, sharing on FB :-)


zilch22 said...

Lol awesome stuff! Really look forward to your posts! :)

Navya said...

OMG! I dint even realize so many "star" kids are already in the movies. Darn, we will have to see all of them now.

Hilarious! Sakshi ... hahahaha .. poor thing.

Thanks for the GK :D

Porkodi (பொற்கொடி) said...

romba romba vayithu vali from laughing!

M said...

damn funny!!!! enjoyed it...

Geomon said...

nargis Fakh-ri was 2 gud!
arrey woh naya chokra ranveer singh urf ranveer bhavnani to reh gaya. uski bhi nani yaad dila sakte they! :)

Kanan said...

ROFL! Hotel room upstairs... LOL!

This is fabulous and full of knowledge. I didn't know the names and faces of half of these people.

"...listening to the conversation through a bug..." Is someone turning into Rita Skeeter? ;)

rt said...

Hilarious!! I adore SSSK brand of journalism ;)

sagar said...

Superduper post bhai
Been waiting for something like this for a long time
Sakshi-Agnisakshi, Tiger, Alia...LOL
Where did u get to know abt these dhakkans bhai...never even heard of them!
5 pegs down (= *****)


Anks said...

oh you crack me up! too good, man...

diyadear said...

too good.. loved the agnio sakshi bit... will keep returning here:)

The Wanderer said...


Maryum said...

loved it...

Red Handed said...

i have real less patience while it comes to reading. buts urs just made me feel like reading till the end.

Witty u are :)
This post was def worth for the tangy tuesday. congrats!

you have earned a follower btw :D

Unknown said...

oh boy! i have been lurkin for a long time but this post was wayy too funny to not comment!!

loved the fakh-ri bit..!
and love your style.

Sonia said...

My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic w

Kids Clothing

Sudeep said...

Classic SSSK piece. Many lines beat Viv's irene post.. Iss baar for a change Sayesha ke saath, sorry Viv.

Nargis Fakhri bole toh Kingfisher calendar wali kudi movie mein? Haila, dekhne ko maangta.