Tuesday, September 09, 2014

From a Bhai-gone era

It's the Mary Kom success party, happening in Priyanka Chopra's sprawling lawn. All the biggies of Bollywood are there. Needless to say, Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten has procured a pass to the event in spite of being on the blacklist.

In a corner are seated Karan Johar, Rohit Shetty and Subhash Ghai, animatedly discussing something. "I bet they are talking about the Ram Lakhan remake they announced last week!" says SSSK and rapidly approaches them with her notepad and pencil.

SSSK - Hello, everyone. I am SSSK. Reporter. Karan is of course familiar with my work.

Rohit and Subhash look at Karan. He shakes his head.

SSSK - Anyway, I thought I could get some bytes from you about the Ram Lakhan remake you announced.

Subhash - Ah yes, we were just discussing that.

SSSK - I figured. So... Ram Lakhan was a cult film. What would be different in the remake?

Subhash - Well, it's set in today's time, not 1989, so a lot of things would be different. I'll just let these youngsters make all the decisions.

Karan and Rohit - Really??

Subhash - Of course. I just have one condition as the co-producer. I'll make an appearance in the movie at a sudden and random juncture. I need to do that. I'm sure everyone will understand. I mean, even the IMDB page of Ram Lakhan lists me in the cast as 'man singing on motorcycle'.

Subhash walks away, whistling merrily. Karan and Rohit give each other unsure looks.

Karan - Yeah, we'll see about that. Basically, this is a fresh perspective on an old revenge saga so we will rewrite many of the scenes. There will be more family functions and songs, and maybe a little bit more crying... you know, after Ram's and Lakhan's dad is killed by the bad guys...

Rohit - And as everyone is crying, maybe some cars can explode in the background...

Karan - Yeah, sure... You da man. And my plan is that they will cry and cry and cry, and then the whole family will move to London.

SSSK - Erm... like in K3G? Is this going to become like one of your NRI movies?

Karan - Well, we don't have the details worked out yet, but yeah that might be one of the angles. You know, to modernise the movie.

SSSK - Speaking of modernisation, aren't the names Ram and Lakhan a bit old-fashioned?

Karan - Yeah, we thought of that, but we need to keep the title so people know it's a remake. Anyway, Main Hoon Na also had a Ram-Lakshman duo and no one objected. We might just change the rest of their names though... you know from Ram Pratap Singh to something a little cooler, like Ram Yashwardhan Raichand or something...

Rohit - Err... maybe. But we will definitely change the girls' names.

Karan - Oh yes, Geeta and Radha simply won't do. I mean, the new Radha is different. The new Radha likes to party. The new Radha likes to move that sexy Radha body. We will obviously have a disco number with both brothers and their girlfriends.

Rohit - Ah yes, and then some cars can explode in the background.

Karan - Sure, sure. And I also have this vision that when the brothers have a fallout, cheerleaders with pom-poms will be singing, "Ram-Lakhan ka jhagada!"

SSSK - Err... you mean like "Rahul-Anjali ka jhagada"?

Karan - Well, kind of. But it will be different. I mean, the clothes will be different. We're getting Manish, of course. And because Ram-Lakhan are supposed to be gareeb, he will come up with some gareeb outfits for them.

Rohit - Errr... we might reconsider that. Manish Malhotra's gareeb outfits are not exactly gareeb I think.

SSSK - I agree. If anything, they are ajeeb-o-gareeb. Ha ha ha!

Karan gives SSSK a dirty look.

Meanwhile, Jackie Shroff and Anil Kapoor walk over and join them.

Rohit - Hi, Jackie. Hi, Anil. We were just talking about the Ram Lakhan remake.

Jackie and Anil sigh.

Anil - So you're serious about it? You're really going to do it?

Karan - Yes, but not without your blessings, of course.

Jackie - Well, you have mine.

Rohit - We do???

Jackie - Yeah. As long as you cast Tiger as Ram.

Anil - What?! Then I want Harshvardhan as Lakhan.

Karan - Who is Harshvardhan?

Anil - What?! This is an outrage! You don't know who Harshvardhan is?? He is my son.

Karan - Wait, you mean Arjun Kapoor is not your son?

Anil (gritting his teeth) - Aaarghhhhh. That's why I prefer Hollywood to Bollywood.

Karan - Err... we want to take relatively established actors...

Anil - Well, they are RELATIVELY established, aren't they? Tiger is his relative and Harshvardhan is mine!

Rohit - Errr...

Jackie - I agree. Wait, let me call Tiger, you can audition him right now. TIGER!!!!

Tiger Shroff is seen bounding towards his dad, with a young lady in hot pursuit.

Tiger - Dad, help!

Jackie - Who is that??

Tiger - I don't know. She stalks me everywhere and keeps saying she has a question for me and if I answer that, she'll leave.

Jackie - So just answer her question na!

Girl - Oooh. So can I have an answer today?

Tiger (grinning) - Yeah ok fine. The answer is - yes, I'm single.

Girl - Hainnn?! That was not my question.

Tiger - What?! Then what's your question for which you have been stalking me day and night?

Girl - I just want to know the shade of your lipstick.

Tiger - Lipstick?! What lipstick?? I don't wear lipstick. Have you gone crazy? She has gone crazy. Someone get her out of here. I don't wear lipstick. My lips are naturally pink.

Girl (rolls her eyes) - Oh come onnnn!

Tiger (resignedly) - Ok fine. It's Candy Yum Yum by M.A.C.

The girl squeals joyously and leaves.

Jackie - Offspring... Sigh. Anyway, Tiger, they want you to play me in the Ram Lakhan remake.

Rohit - Er... we don't...

Jackie (ignores them) - So what do you say?

Tiger - Thanks but no thanks. I don't want to be compared to you.

Rohit - Errr... also, we are going to cast Danny as one of the villains. And you look so much like him it will really confuse the audience.

Jackie - Argh! I'm SO SICK of hearing this!! He doesn't look like Danny, okay? Okay!

Tiger - Please, dad. People have even said I look like Priyanka Gandhi. So I think we should just be okay with Danny. But I can't do this film.

Tiger leaves.

Jackie (irritated) - So whom do you have in mind for the leads?

Karan - Well, we were thinking of casting two guys who already have proven chemistry. You know, like Siddharth-Varun or Arjun-Ranveer.

Rohit - But then we felt that Siddharth-Varun are too chikna for the role. We need actors with grit. And facial hair.

Karan - Ok, Arjun-Ranveer then. Actually we have spoken to them about it. They watched the original and then told us that they were... umm... more interested in playing Bishambar and Bhanu, the bad guys.

SSSK - Hmmm, why don't you consider Ajay Devgn maybe? He is a seasoned tough cop.

Rohit - No can do.

Karan - Hey, why not?? Ajay would be a good choice actually!

Rohit - No. My contract with Ajay for 'Singham Returns Again', 'Re-return of Singham', 'Singham Returns Once Again', 'Singham Returns Yet Again', and 'Would You Believe It Singham is Returning Again' clearly specifies that he can't do any other cop roles.

SSSK - Wow. And what about the girls? Who's playing them?

Priyanka walks towards them.

Karan - Speak of the devil... We actually have Priyanka in mind for Geeta's role.

Priyanka - Geeta's role? You mean the one played by Dimple?

Rohit - That's right!

Priyanka - And who's playing Radha?

Karan - Most likely Alia or Shraddha or somebody. One of those youngsters.

Priyanka - What?! I'm not playing the older character!

Karan - But Priyanka, you are...

Priyanka - Silence! Mary Kom ki sari training ab bhi yaad hai. Mujhe old bola toh yahin par baja dalungi.

SSSK - She will send you into a Kom-a. Ha ha ha!

Rohit and Karan give her dirty looks.

Karan - Ok ok fine. How about we cast Parineeti as Radha?

Priyanka - I said I don't want to play the older character!!!

SSSK - But... but she's already your little sister. And the whole world knows that.

Priyanka - Hmmph ok fine.

She walks out, just as Rakhee walks in.

Rakhee - So you're very very sure you want to take Jaya Bachchan for my role?

Karan - Errr... yeah.

Rakhee - Don't take a hasty decision. Give it some thought. I can still do it. Watch this. (stands up dramatically and raises her hands) "Mere Ram Lakhan aayenge. Zameen ki chaati phad ke aayenge, aasman ka seena cheer ke aayenge!"

Karan - Ummm... that was from Karan Arjun.

Rakhee (looks confused) - Really? Why did I always end up with two sons seeking revenge?? (walks off)

Madhuri, who had been waiting for her turn, approaches them.

Madhuri - Karan, I really think you should cast me back as Radha. I mean... that movie is in my blood. Even now I can recite all the dialogues and songs... "O Raaaamji.... Mera piya ghar aaya, O Ramji!"

Rohit - Err... wrong song, Madhuri. That's from Yarana.

Madhuri walks off, looking pissed.

SSSK - Speaking of songs, the original had some superhit songs like 'My name is Lakhan', 'Tera naam liya', 'Bekadar bekhabar' and 'O Ramji', etc.

Rohit - Ah, yes. The songs will need freshening up, so instead of Ae ji o ji, lo ji suno ji, we will have 3G, 4G to appeal to the youth of today. And of course, we will have some cars exploding in the background.

Karan - And we will release the movie in Pakistan too, so we are having Ali Zafar sing 'Mere do anmol ratan'. We will slightly change the lyrics to 'Mere do anmol watan'.

SSSK - What about the most popular one - 'My name is Lakhan'?

Karan - Sigh. If the Dabangg folks had agreed to a collaboration, we wanted the song to be 'My name is Makhan'.

SSSK - Hain??

Rohit - There are already two cop brothers in the movie, you see. Chulbul-Makhanchand.

SSSK - Oh.

Karan - But they said no. So we will retain 'My name is Lakhan', but with additional lyrics.

SSSK - What additional lyrics?

Karan - It will go something like this... "My name is Lakhan. Le KHAN... KHH... from the epiglottis."