Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Line maaroing then and now

So Viv calls me on my work phone and says, "Listen to this..."

The last he did this was in 2001, when I was doing my internship. And what had followed his "Listen to this..." was the song "I just called to say I love you..." (Don't laugh, we were young and foolish back then.)

So I was all geared up to listen to what he had to say this time (8 years later!) when I heard Rekha Bharadwaj whine, "Genda phool!"

What the..?!

"So?" He asked excitedly.

"What the...?!" was my response.

"Have you heard this song before?" He asked gleefully.

"Of course I have heard this song before, Viv. I have heard all songs before." I looked at my nails and coyly answered.

"Well, I just heard it for the first time!"


"It's funny."

"Funny? It's the worst song on the planet. I hate it. It's a stupid stupid song."

(I really do hate the song. Not as much as 'Dil dance maare' but still, a lot.)

"Yeah, I know." I could hear him grin.

"So you just wanted to play this stupid song for me on the phone?"


"Hahahaha! And that's all you wanted to say?"


"So I'll get back to work now?"




Monday, April 27, 2009

O Bhai, where art thou?

Seriously... When the heck are they going to release MunnaBhai III????

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Word for word

There hasn't been a baby Aish post in the longest time. That is because that kid has grown into an evasive, nakhrewali woman of almost three who has learnt to haughtily toss her head and say an emphatic "NO!" when my sister passes her the phone and says, "Do you want to talk to Mausi?"

So last night, when my sister called, Aish was in the mood to talk. My sister had got her something called 'safety scissors' and apparently Aish was going all over the place merrily cutting up stuff.

My sister put me on speaker so Aish could hear me and I put her on speaker so Viv could hear her.

"Hi, Aishu baby!" I said.

"Hi Mausi!" She said.

"What are you doing, Aishu?"

"I'm cooking."

Obviously, she has yet to learn the difference between 'cutting' and 'cooking'.

"Hahahaha! You're cooking? What are you cooking, baby?"

"I'm cooking paper."

"You're cooking paper? You'll eat paper? Are you a cow?"


"You're not a cow? Then what are you?"

"Hmmm... chicken."

And then she ran away to "cook" more paper, leaving the three of us laughing helplessly.

Hmmm... Do you think she meant to say "chick" instead?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Scene and herd

Last evening, I went for a movie with Viv and Pizzadude. It was a 1-for-1 deal, where we got to watch two movies for the price of one. Both movies featured foul language, violence, general disruption of peace, and both were kind of depressing. The first was Nandita Das' directorial debut Firaaq, and the other was a short documentary concurrently staged by a few fellow movie-goers inside the same movie theatre.

It started with us being suddenly jolted out of a slow Naseeruddin Shah scene. This guy was yelling at this other guy who was on his mobile phone, asking him to hang up. Mobile phone guy started yelling back. The rest of us could not believe what was happening. In a movie theatre that has only 20 people (sorry, Nandita!), this kind of thing can really take a life of its own. And it did.

A lady tried to reason things out with him, and he yelled out, "Shut up! Shut up!" at her. Within minutes it had become a mini-riot of sorts, involving half the population of the theatre, with people jumping out of their seats and lunging at one another, drowning out all sounds from the movie we had originally paid for. Thankfully the chairs were nailed to the theatre floor, so only abuses were hurled. The theatre officials had to intervene (actually after a while, I couldn't tell who or how many of them were theatre officials. Yes, it was that bad.) A few from the remaining population started yelling at the little mob, asking them to shut up and not spoil the movie for the rest. They got yelled back at, and seriously there was no point in us contributing further to the noise level.

After a few more minutes of showing us the extended DVD version of what should have been their home video instead of a public broadcast, the rioters decided to have mercy on the rest of us. "Theek hai theek hai. Movie ke baad settle karenge." They said and returned to their seats. Relieved, all of us turned our attention back to the screen.

Barely had their asses descended on the seats when the credits rolled.

There was a burst of general laughter in the theatre, and even we joined in. I guess it was funny. In a weird, sick way.

But it was really sad too. Several people walked out of the theatre asking one another, "Arre end mein kya hua??"


Seriously guys, cut it out or take it out.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tagte raho!

Reefknot has tagged me. The tag rules are: Using only song titles from one artist, cleverly answer the questions below.

Hmm... Loosely defining the term "artist", I pick our friendly neighbourhood Bappi Da (as a singer), and loosely defining the term "cleverly", here are my answers!

(I did not want to pick a common singer because then the tag becomes too easy. Initially I wanted to pick our friendly neighbourhood Himesbhai, but when making the list I figured he has only sung one song so far. Several times over. But the same song.)

Anyway, here's my list:

1. Are you a male or female?
Ans: Haan mere jaisi haseena (LOL!)
Movie: Armaan

2. Describe yourself.
Ans: Aa mujhe dekh
Movie: Classic - Dance of Love

3. How do you feel about yourself?
Ans: Tumhara (i.e. bewdas') pyaar chahiye mujhe jeene ke liye
Movie: Manoranjan

4. Describe your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
Ans: Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy, aa ja aa ja aa ja (Shergill, that is! Yeahaha!)
Movie: Disco Dancer

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation.
Ans: Bambai se aaya mera dost & Ye hai cricket (two songs but thankfully only one guy!)
Movies: Aap Ki Khatir & Awwal Number

6. Describe your current location.
Ans: Traffic jam (okay if you have not heard this song, you're seriously missing out!)
Movie: Rock Dancer

7. Describe where you want to be.
Ans: Bombay to Goa
Movie: Bombay to Goa

8. Your favorite color is...
Ans: Khokha (Muahahaha!)
Movie: C Kkompany

9. You know...
Ans: Kisi ko muhabbat ki hai tension
Movie: Tyaagi

10. What’s the weather like?
Ans: Mausam hai gaane ka, gaane ka bajaane ka, sunne ka sunaane ka, hasne ka hasaane ka
Movie: Suraksha

11. If your life was a television show what would it be called?
Ans: You are my chicken fry (I swear this IS an actual song!)
Movie: Rock Dancer

12. What is life to you?
Ans: Jee le le Jee le le ayo ayo jee le le
Movie: Tarzan (OMG does anyone remember this movie? ROFL!)

13. What is the best advice you have to give?
Ans: Aana jaana laga rahega, dukh jaayega, sukh aayega
Movie: Geraftaar

14. If you could change your name what would you change it to?
Ans: Gunmaster G-9
Movie: Suraksha

By the way, here's the offical website of the disco king. Do scroll down and check out the impeccable cartoon at the bottom of the page.

I would like to tag my friend and fellow Bollywood psycho Pizzadude (because if I don't, he will kill me) and any other bewdas who would like to use this to get over 'writer's blog'.

Tagte raho!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Dolled up

All of you know that Katrina Kaif is the new face of Barbie, but Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) brings you the real story of how it happened.

So Mattel shortlisted the actresses they thought would be suitable as Barbie, and it came down to two finalists -- Aishwarya and Katrina. Unable to decide between the two, they locked both in a room and asked them to argue it out. Whoever succeeded in breaking the other down would be the winner. SSSK was of course there to report the proceedings, half-hanging from a branch just outside the room, furiously taking down notes with her pencil and notepad.

Katrina - So?

Aishwarya - So what?

Katrina - Look Aishwarya, I'm the obvious choice here. So just back off, okay?

Aishwarya - And what makes you think you're the obvious choice?

Katrina - Because... it's obvious. I look like a doll! Everyone says so! I believe the exact expression they used was "She's an expressionless doll." Ha!

Aishwarya - Oh puh-leez. I can show you hundreds of movie reviews that said I was like a doll in the movie. That too, a wooden doll. Beat that!

Katrina (coyly looks at her nails) - Well, Barbie is not a wooden doll. She is plastic.

Aishwarya - Ha! The reviews said I was plastic too! And everyone said I had a plastic smile in that toothpaste ad I did. So there!

Katrina - Well... you're... OLD. Barbie is a young doll.

Aishwarya - I'm a legend. There are movies with me as the central character.

Katrina - Well, me too. Well, almost. Do you know what they were going to initially name 'Singh is Kinng'?

Aishwarya - What?

Katrina (proudly) - Katrina is Kweenn.

Aishwarya (rolls her eyes) - Oh please.

Katrina - Seriously. Then they pleaded, "Katrina, be a doll and let Akshay be the centre of attention." Doll. See?

Aishwarya - Do you know, I stood in Madam Tussaud's wax museum for two days in a row and no one even knew it was the real me?

Katrina - Well...

Aishwarya - Yeah? Got anything?

Katrina - Ahem... I can't speak Hindi. You can.

Aishwarya - Uh... so? What's that got to do with anything?

Katrina - Don't you get it? I can't speak Hindi. Neither can Barbie!

Aishwarya - They want an Indian Barbie. You're not even Indian!

Katrina - Of course I'm Indian. You're the one with the blue eyes.

Aishwarya (coldly) - I was Miss India World.

Katrina - Well, I have the whole package. Including Ken.

Aishwarya - Huh?

Katrina - If they want to do an Indian Ken some day to complement the Indian Barbie, whom do you think they will pick? The Ken doll is clean-shaven. Your Ken is hairy and dirty. Mine is clean-shaven.

Aishwarya - Hmmph! That's because all his facial hair fell off along with the hair on his head!

Katrina (furious) - Objection!

SSSK (excitedly, from the branch) - Sustained!

Aishwarya and Katrina look around to see where the sound came from. SSSK hides among the leaves. They go back to their Kat-fight.

Katrina - Well, you dated him too!

Aishwarya (smiles) - And look how that turned out.

Katrina (grinning) - Well, I may live with Salman. But you live with the Bachchans. I wonder what's worse. Ha!

Stony silence in the room, followed by Aishwarya bursting into tears. Finally, both come out of the room. Katrina is beaming. Aishwarya looks distraught. While Katrina goes back into the Mattel office to sign the contract, Aishwarya dials a number.

Aishwarya (choking) - Daddy... I didn't get it... I tried really hard, but they still gave it to her. (sobs hysterically)

Amitabh Bachchan - Koi baat nahin, beta. Don't cry. Let her take this. This is no big deal. I'll just buy you another Padmashri next year, okay?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Wish list

Conversation over sms:

Shub - So what do you want for your birthday?
Me - Whoa... profound question. Hmmm... world peace!
Shub - And shoes??
Me - OMG YES! SHOES! Shoes and world peace. Yes. Perfect.
Shub - Mother Teresa in Manolos, eh? ;)

* * *

Yep. Shoes and world peace. That's my wish list. Nothing more.

Because I already have the people in my life who can make me laugh out loud in the middle of a bus-stop with nothing more than just an sms message.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Bumming around

Is it just me or did anyone else hear the words "Zara bum tu jhatak" in the Masakali song?

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Battle lines

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) is addressing a small crowd in the middle of a playground. (She picked the playground as it was the only venue without a booking charge.) Three cheap plastic chairs are placed behind her. On them are seated the finalists of the 'most memorable Bollywood character' poll -- Gabbar Singh, Mogambo and Crimemaster Gogo. The other nominees are sitting on the grass as she couldn't afford any more chairs.

SSSK - Ladies and gentlemen... We have gathered here to announce the winner of the 'most memorable character' poll held at the bar last week. Before we do that, I'd like to tell you a little more about the voting system...

Gabbar (gets up from the chair and points hi gun at SSSK) - Abbe chup! Bahut ho gaya!

SSSK - Lekin woh... Gabbar ji... I'm the host...

Circuit (sitting amidst the nominees, cheekily sings) - Host host na raha...

Gabbar (shoots in the air) - Abbe tu bhi chup!

Everyone clams up.

Gabbar - Arre o Samba, kitne votes they?

Samba - Sardaar, kareeb kareeb pachaas.

Gabbar - Yeahahaha! Aur mere hisse mein?

Samba - Sardaar, kareeb kareeb bees.

Gabbar - Vote pachaas aur sirf bees mere? Bahut nainsafi hai.... Baaki tees kahan gaye re?

Samba - Sardaar, woh... main... ek baat kahoon?

Gabbar - Haan bol!

Samba (blushing) - Ek vote mujhe bhi mila, sardaar...

Gabbar - Huh? Kya sochkar aaye they? Ki sardaar bahut khus hoga? Sabaasi dega?? Besaram! Jis thali mein khata hai, usi mein se vote churata hai?

Samba - Sardaar... maine aapka namak khaya hai...

Gabbar - Mera vote toh churaaya, ab Kaalia ka dialogue bhi chura liya? Le tu bhi goli kha!

Gabbar shoots Samba.

SSSK (gently taps Gabbar on the shoulder with a trembling hand) - Excuse me Gabbar ji, sorry to interrupt... I hope that bullet was a fake one... as it is I don't have a permit for this gathering... oopar se yeh sab violence...

Gabbar - Abbe chup! Basanti ki tarah nachaaun tujhe??

SSSK trembles and sits down on the grass.

Gabbar (addresses everyone) - Toh lagta hai Gabbar jeet gaya. Yeahahaha! Sabse memorable Gabbar hai. Yeahahaha! Aaj bhi kisi metro mein jab bacha raat ko rota hai toh ma kehti hai so ja beta so ja warna Gabbar aa jayega. Yeahahaha!

Mogambo - What nonsense! Results kahan hain? Results dekhkar hi pata chalega kaun sabse memorable hai.

Gogo - Haan yeh sahi baat hai! Asli winner ko hi trophy milegi!

Mogambo - Huh?? Tum kaun ho??

Gogo (bends to touch Mogambo's golden boot) - Pai lagu, chachu.

Mogambo - Chachu?? Who are you calling Chachu?? Mogambo kisi ka chachu nahin hai!

Gogo - Shhhh... chachu... shhh. Izzat ka sawaal hai... main sabko bolta phirta hoon ki main Mogambo ka bhateeja hoon... value badhti hai... Mera chance toh hai nahin but if you play along, I'll help you get the trophy.

Mogambo (gives Gogo a dirty look and then pretends to smile) - Uhh... Jeete raho bhateeje...

Gabbar - Hmm... bahut yarana lagta hai...

Circuit - Eh! Tum dono ka happy family drama khatam ho gaya? Time nahin hai apun ke paas! Results nikaalo.

Munnabhai (whispers to Circuit) - Eh Circuit, apun logich jeetega na?

Circuit (rolling up sleeves) - Arre Bhai, 100 percent jeetega. Apun log finalist nahin toh kya hua. Kisi ki himmat hai Munnabhai se panga lene ki?

Gabbar - Munna?? Hahahaha! Arre hum jungle ke daaku hain... yeh seher ke munna-munni humse ladenge? Hahahahaha!

Mogambo - Tumhe koi idea nahin ki mere soldiers kitne trained hain! Main toh puri duniya par kabza karne wala hoon, yeh mamooli trophy kya cheez hai?

Gabbar Singh - Hahahahahaha! Gabbar ke aadmiyon se ladne chale hain! Iski saja milegi... barabar milegi.

Mogambo - Tumhari himmat kaise hui mujhe dhamkaane ki?? (to his soldiers) Mera muh kya dekh rahe ho?

Mogambo's soldier (promptly) - Hail Mogambo!

Mogambo - Hail Mogambo later. For now... fight!

Mogambo's soldier - But... uhh... ffffight?

Mogambo - Of course!

Mogambo's soldier - We don't know... how to err... fight.

Mogambo - WHAT?! What do you know then??

Mogambo's soldier - We only know how to say 'Hail Mogambo!', and... errr.. jump into boiling acid when you say 'Jump!' That's all. We're not trained to do much else...

Gabbar - Hee hee haa haa! Ab tera kya hoga, Mogambo?

Circuit (whispers to Munnabhai) - Bhai yahan toh gangwar ho rela hai... apun doich hain... oopar se aapke sar se Gandhigiri ka bhoot utra nahin hai... apun log kalti maarein kya?

Munnabhai - Eh Circuit... zindagi mein pehli baar tuney dimaag se kaam liya hai... apun bhi yehi soch rela tha... khisak lete hain apun log... trophy uthwa lenge baad mein!

Gabbar's and Mogambo's men start fighting. Everyone watches with keen interest.

Gogo sneaks over to SSSK who's still in shock. She is clutching on to the trophy.

Gogo (points a gun at SSSK) - Trophy mere hawaale kar do! Crimemaster Gogo naam hai mera. Mogambo ka bhateeja hoon main. Aankhein nikalkar gotiyan khelunga!

SSSK meekly hands over the trophy to him.

Gogo (holds up the trophy and starts dancing) - Dhakki tiki dhakki tiki dhakki tiki!

Gabbar (points a gun at Gogo's head) - Yeh trophy mujhe de de, Gogo!

Gogo - Nahinnnnn!!!!

Gabbar - Yeahahaha! Yeh trophy mujhe de de, Gogo!

Gogo hands over the trophy, and goes and sits on the grass with the other depressed nominees.

Gogo (distraught) - Nahiiinnnnnn......... jab Aishwarya ko Padmashri mil sakta hai toh mujhe yeh measly trophy kyun nahin mil sakti?

Devdas (consoles Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Gogo. Mujhe hi dekh lo. Babuji ne kaha gaaon chhod do. Sabne kaha Paro ko chhod do. Paro ne kaha sharaab chhod do. Sharaab ne kaha trophy chhod do. Toh maine sab kuchh hi chhod diya.

Ajit (consoles Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Gogo. Mujhe bhi trophy nahin mili, lekin sara shaher phir bhi mujhe Loin ke naam se jaanta hai. Kyun, Raabert?

Raj (also jumps in to console Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Senorita. Bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain.

Gogo - Senorita?? Pehle us Amar-Prem ne bola main purush hi nahin hoon! Ab tu mujhe Senorita bula raha hai??

Raj - Sorry Gogo ji... woh aapka ghaghra dekhkar...

Meanwhile, the battle has ended. All of Gabbar's and Mogambo's men are dead. Mogambo and Gabbar are pointing their guns at each other.

Gabbar (grins) - Arre o Mogambo, ab toh bas hum dono hi bache. Dono mar gaye toh trophy ka kya hoga re?

So they decide to have a paintball match to sort it out in a non-violent manner. The garden soon turns into a mess of colours. SSSK, Jai, Veeru and the other nominees start singing and dancing around them, "Holi ke din dil khil jaate hain, rangon se rang mil jaate hain."

Finally, the match gets over. Mogambo, by virtue of his lower body mass, emerges the winner. He looks around for the trophy. To his horror, it has disappeared.

"Nahin! It must be Mr. India! Gaayab hone ki ghadi usike paas hai. Meri trophy lekar gaayab ho gaya!" he exclaims in shock.

Mogambo and Gabbar sit down on the grass in despair along with the other nominees.

Mogambo - Grrr... Mogambo khush nahin hua!!

Meanwhile, some distance away, Gogo is furiously cycling away with the trophy clutched under his arm.

Gogo - Crime Master Gogo naam hai mera. Khandani chor hoon main. Aaya hoon, kuchh toh lekar jaaunga!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

In character

Recently, one of you bewdas wrote to scold remind me about the fact that there hasn't been a Bollywood poll at the bar for the longest time. Yes, I know. :( I have been lazy. Apun ki poll khul gayi. (okay okay sorry for the bad pun!)

So the poll for this month is to find out who the most memorable Bollywood movie character is. I invite all of you to pop your votes in the comments section. Results will be out in the next post.

ps: My friend Starbreez has suggested using a different font colour for the following sentence because even though it appears in all the poll posts, no one seems to ever pay attention to it. Hmm... let's try.

Comments will be moderated to keep the votes hidden. So bewdas, there is no point in yelling 'Gold'. :P