Friday, December 31, 2010

Annual report - 2010

Aaaand... wrapping up the year is the usual Bar's Annual Report (which I just realised incidentally also abbreviates into BAR. Hey bhagwaaaaan.).

2010 was the year...

... that started with a bang -- the Sonu Nigam live concert

... when two of my bestest friends R and A visited Singapore, bringing out the insane jokes all over again

... when a crowd proved how powerful it can be, albeit in a very wrong way

... when Viv had a chance to play against Jayasuriya, and get Upul Tharanga's wicket

... when Viv couldn't be around for my birthday because of work, and made it up by driving me around California, on the road trip that we had been planning for the longest time

... when Aish turned four and too wise for her Mausi

... when Dad's post-retirement organic kitchen garden really took off. I know I have mentioned this like 36485902464 times but I cannot get over the 9.5-kg pumpkin he grew without using any chemicals

... when I had the chance to meet mehfil ke puraane bewdas and bewdi Sudipta, Varsha and Jay

... when Viv and I completed a dozen years of living in Singapore

... when both sets of parents visited us in a span of a few months, first the in-laws, and then after successful implementation of the green strategy, the parents too

... when Dad's blog finally kicked off

... when S2 moved back to India. My feelings about it can be summed up from the following conversation I had with Pizzadude. "So? Are they happy to be back in India?" I asked. "Yeah. I think so." He said. "Damnit." I said.

... when Viv ran his third full marathon. I, erm, contributed. I think.

... and finally, the big celebration -- 6 years of the Bar. Can't believe it has survived 6 years. May the madness never stop!

Cheers, bewdas, and have a super 2011! :D

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Contract of deed

On 31st December last year, I wrote a post inviting bewdas to use the comments space as a blank 'contract' and put down their resolution for 2010 using only one word. To those who would leave some kind of contact details, I promised to follow up with a nudge or a kick in the ass to see how they did. So today I sat down and got in touch with them on this. Some had left their email addresses with their comments and for some, I got the email address off their blogs. Responses have started trickling in and I am really kicked.

[Oh, in case you're curious, my resolution for the year was 'discipline' and I gave myself a 'Met expectations' rating.]

So for next year, in a similar vein, I have a question for you, bewdas.

"What will you do in 2011 that you have never done before?"

Due to the nature of the question, it's not confined to only one word this year. Feel free to use as many words as you need. Do sign your 'contract with yourself' in the comments space, and I promise to get in touch again at the end of 2011!

Happy new year, y'all! :D

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

This is unheard of!

I know. I know. The bar is getting Bollywood OD. I promise this is the last Bollywood post of 2010! But I have to do this because of tradition. Last year I wrote a post of all the movies that had released in the year that most of us had never heard of, and I thought I should continue the tradition this year too.

Presenting, bewdas and bewdis, movies that apparently released this year, making me go "Huh?? When??"

Did you know of any of them??

A distant mirage
Aakhari decision
Admissions open
A flat
Ada...a way of life
And once again
Ashok chakra
Baru - the wonder kid
Benny and Babloo
Bhindi Baazar Inc.
Daayen ya baayen
Deewangi ne hadd kar di
Do dilon ke khel mein
Dus tola
Ek second... jo zindagi badal de
Hello! Hum Lallan bol rahe hain
Hello zindagi
Hide & seek
Idiot box
It's a man's world
Jaane bhi do yaaron
Khalbali - fun unlimited
Kis hudh tak
Krantiveer - the revolution
Life express
Kuchh kariye
Maalik ek
Mr. Bhatti on chutti
Mr Singh Mrs Mehta
Muskurake dekh zara
Na ghar ka na ghaat ka
Prem kaa game
Raat gayi baat gayi
Road to sangam
Soch lo
Thanks Maa
The waiting room
Trump card
Zindagi tere naam

Monday, December 27, 2010

Have a Bolly good time II

I had so much fun cracking the A-to-Z Bollywood quiz that I decided to try my hand at designing one myself. It also looks like many of you bewdas also went nuts over it. Do try the one below. It's my first and I decided to start off with something relatively simple. I think many bewdas will be able to easily crack this. If all goes well, I'll make this a regular flavour at the bar next year. I may need to ban two-time champion bewda/bewdi Sandwalker from these quizzes though. ;)

PS: Don't read the comments section if you want to try solving it first.

Movie A almost featured popular Bollywood star B but the role of the phenomenally popular character C went to D instead, reviving his career. D's close relatives E and F played mother and son in a movie G. G also featured H whose son went on to marry D's sister. H's son also starred with D in a hit movie I, which featured an iconic song J sung by ghazal maestro K. This movie was directed by a famous director L whose relative M is known for the rather liberal use of a certain set of facial muscles. M's cousin N shot into notoriety by featuring on a controversial magazine cover. N won the Filmfare Best Female Debut award for her role in the movie O even though technically her first movie was P, both directed by L. O also featured talented actor Q in a prominent role. Q, who has won the Filmfare Best Comedian award multiple times, received critical acclaim for his convincing portrayal of an old man in movie R, also directed by L. He was also part of one of the biggest Bollywood hits of all time S, directed by T and featuring U as one of the leads. U's relative V, rumoured to be headed for the altar with T, was the lead in a movie opposite talented and popular superstar W, where W sang a chartbuster X. W also acted in a very long movie Y, opposite Z. To close the loop, Z was the female lead in A.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Subordinate Claus

Christmas eve. I call up baby Aish.

Me - Hi, Aishu! What's happening?

Aish - I'm waiting for my surprise present.

Me - Oh. Who's getting you a surprise present?

Aish - Santa.

Me - Oh! Santa?

Aish - Yes, Santa will come on a reindeer and he'll bring my present.

Me - Wow. What present will he bring for you?

Aish - Umm... I need shoes. I think he will bring me shoes.

Me - Aishuuuu....

Aish - What?

Me - I need shoes too!!!

Aish - Okay, he will bring shoes for you too.

Me - Sure? You'll tell him??

Aish - Okay, I will call him and tell him.

Wow. Reaching Santa had never been this easy. :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Pair tuney kya kiya - results show

Wow. Usually, there's a clear winner in such polls, one that outnumbers all others considerably. This time, however, there are just too many contenders, and though we do have a clean winner, this one just got 4 out of the 30-something votes while the rest got 1-2 each.

Prem Aggan got 2 votes, though one of the voters mistakenly referred to the heroine Meghna Kothari as Neelam Kothari. Oh boy, Sameer Soni would refuse to step out of the Bigg Boss house forever, and poor Neelam Kothari would surely have fainted if she was asked to say the sleazy line that Meghna Kothari had to say, "Sooraj, mujhe woh haseen dard de do jise aaj ke baad main kisi doosre ke saath na baant sakoon." (WHAT?! You don't believe someone actually wrote a piece of dialogue like that?? Look for this scene on Youtube, it's there.)

As for my own vote, I really couldn't decide. Urmila and Himesh were quite intolerable in Karzzz but then he's intolerable with anyone. Sanju and Urmila looked pretty bad in Daud. Ajay Devgn with Aisha Takia was a bad choice in 'Sunday'. And oh, moustache or no moustache, SRK with Sridevi in Army was no-NO-NO! I recently watched 'Run' on TV (oh my goodness how crappy is that movie?!) and thought Abhishek and Bhoomika looked really funny together. Both have very fat lower lips and they ended up looking like each other.

Anyway, back to the results of this poll. Presenting, the most hopeless onscreen pairing of them all, the winner of this poll -- Shahid Kapoor and Vidya Balan in 'Kismat Konnection'. Voters felt that she looked like his mother, his sister, etc. etc. Basically everything except his heroine.
[Image courtesy]

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Pair tuney kya kiya

It's been a while since we had a Bollywood poll at the bar. So here it is, the last one of the year!

Name the worst onscreen pairing you ever saw in a Hindi movie. You have to name the movie, the actor, the actress and why seeing them together made you cringe-cringe-cringe. The cringing should be only because of the pairing and not how bad the movie was, etc.

Do drop your votes in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. For the umpteenth time, there is no point yelling 'Gold!' on such posts! :P

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Humble beginnings

So I called up my sister and she told me Aish had won the third prize in an art competition in the 'kindergarten' category.

"Hey, but she's only in pre-school!" I said.

"I know." My sister said proudly, "But she was there so they allowed her to enter in the youngest category they had, and she actually won!"

"Give her the phone." I said.

"Mausiiii... I won a prize!" I heard Aishu say.

"I heard, baby. Well done! You are a genius!" I said, proudly.

"I am not a genius!" She said indignantly. "I am Aishu."

Wah wah.

Never mind the fact that she said that because she doesn't know what on earth 'genius' means (she probably thought I was calling her a monkey or something), but what a lesson in humility to all grown-ups. :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

I stand corrected

Viv - Your phone is really bad. You should change it.

Me - What?! Why?? My phone is fine!

Viv - It's not. It's really bad. You should change it.

Me - You gave me this phone!

Viv - I know. But now you should change it.

Me - Change it to what??

Viv - E71.

Me - E71?! That's worse than my Samsung. The keys are microscopic! They need to throw in a toothpick free so people can type messages.

Viv - It's a great phone. You should change to that.

Me - Why should I get the E71 of all phones?? Just because you have one... ohhh... AHA!!

Viv - Erm, what?

Me - You want an iPhone, don't you?

Viv - Err...

Me - You want to get an iPhone and you want to hand me down your E71 so you wouldn't feel bad. AHA!!!!!!

Viv - *grin*

Me - Sorry, dude. Not gonna happen.

Sheesh. I remember him comparing the E71 and iPhone, and finally picking the E71 for some reason. (Don't ask me about phones. As long as I can send/receive calls and messages, I don't care much for other features. Exasperated friends will also tell you that I am notorious for not keeping my phone near me and in the process missing 99.99% of the calls. It's true. I really don't care what/where/how my phone is.) Anyway, back to the story. So now, within a year, he wants to switch to an iPhone. Sheesh.

Cut to yesterday. I was on Facebook and someone had shared this link. Okay, do you remember the last time you had laughed so hard you had tears in your eyes? That's what happened to me when I read the stuff on the site. I read page after page after page... Inappropriately hilarious!

So when Viv walked into the room, I showed him the link.

"So. This is the phone you wanted to get, yeah?" I asked him, wiping my tears away. "You should totally get it."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Band bajaa diya

Random thoughts after watching Band Baaja Baaraat at Jade theatre with Viv and Pizzadude last night:

Image courtesy

  • A lot of hyped movies released recently but I did not want to watch any of them. I did not want to watch KHJJS or Break Ke Baad because I can't stand Deepika. I did not want to watch Guzaarish because I can't stand Aishwarya. I did not want to watch No Problem because I can't stand Kangana after watching her in the latest episode of Koffee with Karan. Phas Gaya Re Obama didn't release in Singapore, but I am not sure if I'd have watched it because I can't stand Neha Dhupia either. (Whoa, that's a whole load of actresses I can't stand, eh?)

  • It was a very good decision to skip all the crap and go for this movie. Viv and I had been curious about Band Baajaa Baaraat ever since we saw the trailer on TV. And they also kept showing the making of the 'Ainwain ainwain' song on TV so it was stuck in my head.

  • Before the movie, they showed the full trailer of Toonpur ka Superhero. I was never going to watch it anyway because, um, I can't stand Kajol after K3G and Fanaa, but after watching the trailer, wild horses can't drag me to the theatre for this one. There's a scene where the cartoons ask Ajay Devgan, 'Tumhaare pass kaun si gun hai?' and he quips, 'Dev-gun'. SHEESH. DABBAL SHEESH. "You dhakkan!" I wanted to scream at the screen. "You ain't got no gun anymore. You took the 'u' out, didn't you? Now you've just got 'gn'!" (Of course I can pronounce 'gn'. I live in a country where 'Ng' is a common surname.)

  • On a side note, I have to say this before I forget -- the samosas at the Indian stall on level 1 of Shaw Tower are AWESOME. (Yeah, we smuggled some in. Shhhh!)

  • I didn't like Anushka Sharma too much in Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, but in Band Baaja Baaraat, I must say she totally blew me away with her acting skills. She pulled off a wide range of emotions so effortlessly. Can't believe they picked up this gem off the ramp!

  • I'd never found her very pretty either, but in this movie, she really looks very good, even though it's in the girl-next-door way.

  • One of my favourite scenes of hers was the one where Ranveer says, "Ek karod mein toh aath zero hote hain na??" And she says, "Nahin buddhu, saat." The way she laughs in that scene is so natural, it's almost as if it was a blooper and they just decided to use it because it was so good.

  • The new guy Ranveer Singh was very good too, and I especially adored the way he spoke. Binnas, anyone? He's not much of a looker, but then you never know -- if Ajay Devgn made it to the A-list, maybe there's hope for Ranveer too.

  • The dialogue was really earthy and witty. "Gueston ko dekho!" "Phati kyun padi hai teri?" "Kahin aur setting hai?" "Ya toh khul ke hanso ya hanso hi mat!" "Shitt bhi bolti hai toh lagta hai FM baj raha hai."

  • Okay, we have like three versions of the name in Bollywood now -- Ranbir, Ranvir and Ranveer. What next? Run-beer?

  • Jhataak though they were, I loved Anushka's outfits.

  • I liked the music quite a bit, especially 'Tarkeebein'.

  • The "Sir... tubelight..." touch was sheer genius.

  • The movie is getting good reviews all over. What I love the most is the fact that this simple homely tale totally band-bajaaoed all the recent big releases. It may not do well in terms of binnas, but it's really worth a watch.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Have a Bolly good time!

One of the bewdis of the bar AA sent me the ultimate baap of Bollywood quizzes. [Yes, those are her initials and not me calling her an Anonymous Alcoholic though I just realised that all bewdas and bewdis at the bar are actually anonymous alcoholics.]

It was too good not to share with my Bollywood buddy Pizzadude. So we met over the weekend, watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai to get into the fultu Bollywood mode, and cracked the puzzle.

You guys wanna take a stab at it? :)

A is one of the lead actresses of movie B. In the movie, there's a famous cabaret number C picturised on her and D, a close relative of a well known Bollywood director E. E's relative F made his debut with a flop movie G. G happens to be the launch pad of another debutant H. One of H's relatives I is famous for producing a healthy mix of Bollywood hits and flops, most recently being J, featuring K and L. K's father M is a talented actor who is now working with H for his movie N. N is also the name of another old movie which starred a super talented actor O who immortalised a character P in a super hit movie Q. Q also starred a famous Bollywood couple R and S. S tried her hand at directing a movie T which also featured a famous Bollywood star U and late V. U and V also starred in U's first movie W which also had X, who happens to be another relative of E. X starred in some famous multi-starrers, one of them being Y, titled on the names of its lead characters; also having Z as one of the leads. To complete the cycle, Z also featured with A in B.

PS: Okay, sooner or later, one of the bewdas/bewdis will crack the code, but the true Bollywood fan will not peek at the comments box until he/she has cracked it himself/herself, okay? Okay!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yours for keeps

You know your joke is really, like REALLY bad, when even Viv, the king of bad jokes, refuses to laugh at it. :|

So Mr. Wicket Keeper is in Malaysia with the team for a tournament, and when he called yesterday after the first day of the match, I said brightly, "Hi Viv, hope you're keeping well. Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Complete silence. Hmmph! :/

Friday, December 10, 2010

In search of the truth - IV

I haven't posted anything on the search keywords bewdas have used to land at the bar in some time. Luckily, there are no really disturbing ones in this round, but 'Sheela Kijwani' turned up -- that was fast! And someone tried to find the Bhai on linkedin. Underworld ke links linkedin par nahin hote, beta. Muahahaha!

Anyway, here is the list:
  • veshti
  • senorita banana
  • wedding sehri things
  • akshay kumar barana de lyrics
  • sayesha on the orcdks
  • dil toh pagal hai dialogues
  • Mirja Ghalib ki gajalein
  • hot sexi movie on facebook
  • juba pe laga lyrics
  • jab we met... ek dam kadak beauty ..dialogue
  • badminton player ali yaar baig's narcotics baned
  • dehleez ke diye
  • galyan sakli sonyachi lyrics
  • cost of haircut at vlcc
  • on the rocks
  • jigar ka tukda means
  • "sheela kijwani" sayesha
  • mineral water pani puri indore
  • veer zaara locations wagah border
  • words to write in a farewell card
  • sonakshi taller than salman
  • mujh se ladne ki himmat to juta loge par kaminapan kahan se laoge?
  • Sayesha bartender Bhai, linkedin

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Truth of the youth

I had been hearing and reading a lot about Munni vs. Sheela on radio. Also, someone's Facebook status was 'Agar Sheela pehle jawaan ho jaati toh Munni itni badnaam nahin hoti'. Sheesh, but it made me laugh. So I decided to look up this Sheela chick.

And it drove me nuts. I'm not sure if it's in a good or a bad way. Agreed, that Katrina looks hot and the tune is really catchy, but what's with the lyrics???

My name is Sheela
Sheela ki jawani
I'm too sexy for you
Main tere haath na aani

Am I missing something? What does she mean "My name is Sheela, Sheela ki jawani"? Sheela ki jawani what?! There's no follow-up to the words 'Sheela ki jawani'! She just goes on to a completely new statement! In English! It's driving me mad!!! I need to be able to explain it!!!! (Though honestly I don't think it bothers anyone as much as it bothers me.)

Wait, maybe she's Sindhi and her surname is Kijawani? Now THAT makes sense -- My name is Sheela. Sheela Kijawani. Like 'My name is Bond. James Bond.' No? Okay fine. Hmmph. You explain it.

For those who have not yet seen the song (unlikely), check it out, featuring as the video of the week at the bar -- 'Love-it-or-hate-it-you-can't-ignore-it -- Sheela ki jawani'.

Video courtesy Youtube

Sunday, December 05, 2010

It runs in the family

So the Standard Chartered marathon bib (the one that goes on the runners' back) has a space where you can write a slogan to encourage the runners behind you. Viv gave me the task of thinking of a cool slogan to put on his.

I thought and thought and after a while all I could suggest was, "Why don't you overtake me so I can see if you have a cool slogan or not?" I thought it would really encourage (or piss off) the runner behind and egg him/her to go faster (unless he/she had a really bad slogan and would prefer to stay behind Viv). Needless to say, I got a dirty look from Viv for my suggestion. That was it. It was 2 am for heaven's sake. The only part of my brain that works at such an hour is the Bollywood lobe.

So my filmi mind went on overdrive and came up with all of these slogans below, all of which got systematically rejected, of course. In the end, he went with the rather mellow "The end is near... Keep going." (I came up with the "The end is near" and I wanted to add three exclamation marks after it and leave it at that, but he added the "Keep going." and killed the drama.) Hmmmph. Booooo-ring!

So here's the list of my cool (and rejected) Bollywood slogans:

  • Bhaaaaago mohan pyaare...
  • Dauuuddd (imagine the annoying way in which Rahman sang it)
  • Bhaaaago... building mein... aag lag gayi hai! (think Asit Sen)
  • Towards the run-ji trophy
  • Mere run mein runne wali
  • Bhaag Dhanno bhaag!
  • Main tujhko bhaga laaya hoon tere ghar se!
  • Run-chhoddas Shyamaldas Chanchad
  • Bhaagte raho!
  • Chal bhaag yahan se!
  • Kyon aage peechhe dolte ho bhanwron ki tarah?
  • Duniya hai mere peechhe, lekin main tere peechhe
  • Aage aage chale hum, peechhe peechhe preet mitwa
  • Mere peechhe mere aage, haath jode duniya bhaage
  • Megha chhayi aadhi raat, bai-run ban gayi nindiya
  • Bhaag utha insaan
  • Raja ko running se pyaar ho gaya
  • Hum hain run-bhoomi ke run-veer!

Got any more?

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The plane truth

I got scolded. :(

By a 4-year-old. :( :(

You know how when your nieces and nephews are very young and they say these cute little random things that you love to hear so much? And then they grow up and you realise that you haven't?

Happened to me. :( :( :(

When Aishu was about 3, she used to look at the yellow school buses passing her window in fascination and dream of the day when she would be in one of them. And when I'd call her and ask, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore?" she'd say, "I'll go to Singapore tomorrow in the ellow school bus." And then I'd ask her the same question 383565739393 times in the conversation just to hear her say 'ellow school bus' 383565739393 times.

So recently I remembered that and asked her, "Aishu, when will you come to Singapore in the ellow school bus?"

"Mausiiii...!" she exclaimed in indignation. "You don't go to Singapore in the yellow school bus! You go to school in the yellow school bus. You go to Singapore in an aeroplane!"


Monday, November 29, 2010

Down the drain

'Twas a usual day at work, just another Friday
But as you'll know from this story, it just wasn't my day
Without much further ado, let me spin the yarn
About what happened that fateful day, that made me go, "DARN!!"

Agreed that I'd bought you for a measly two bucks
But you were so pretty... Shucks! Shucks! Shucks!
You were this big, sparkling, purple earring
Classy and gorgeous, with just a hint of bling

'Twas just my bad luck that you went and fell
Headfirst, before I saw, into the death well
Well, not so much a death well, as the office toilet bowl
My heart broke thus, and no one could console

A quick mourning session
Followed by deep depression
Then panic began to set in
And I began sweatin'

'Cos you were lying there at the bottom of the bowl
And of the situation, I didn't have much control
I felt like a killer, with a body on his hands
"Get rid of the evidence!" Such a situation demands.

There were people waiting, who also had to pee
And before I got out, I had to get rid of thee
So forgive me, beloved earring, I had to press 'flush'
And soon you were out of sight with a sudden gush

I pocketed the other, and made my way out
The day was a disaster, I was miserable throughout
I don't know what to do with your partner who's now single
So I decided to go home and write, erm, this very long jingle.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Under the spell

My phone thinks it's damn smart. It does not provide me with alternatives when it can't recognise a word I'm trying to type -- it actually replaces the word without consulting me.

Yesterday I was typing out a list of Indian spices for Viv to get from Mustafa and one of the items I wanted to include was 'Everest chilli powder'.

And what did I end up typing?

'Severest chilli powder'.

Oh well, good for me. :P

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Advant-age Aish

So my niece Aish calls after like a gazillion years. Obviously she's learnt something evil at school because her first question itself is politically quite incorrect.

Me - Hi Aishu, how are you??

Aish - Hi Mausi, how old are you?

Hainn?! Ahem. Ok fine. So I tell her my age.

Aish - And Mausa, how old are you?

Viv tells her his age.

We are still not fully over the depression when she drops the bomb.

Aish (and you can hear the pride in her voice) - I am FOUR YEARS OLD.


Aish - ??


I have something to say to the toddlers of the world -- there are some very insecure grown-ups around you, would you please just STOP SHOWING OFF???

Monday, November 15, 2010

Match point

So Viv and I were setting off on our post-dinner walk when I remembered that I'd wanted to put on a facial mask that evening but forgotten about it. Putting it on after the walk would mean having to wait for it to dry so I could wash it off before I went to bed. (Oh the complexities that life throws our way, no?)

"Darn. Mask lagaake nikalna tha, nahin? Walk par hi dry ho jata." I joked.

And instantly both of us started singing, "Mask lagaake tuney mara, ghayal ho gaya dil bechara!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

After the walk, we reached home and we saw my bedroom slippers near the shoe rack. I'd forgotten I had them on till I'd reached downstairs and then come up again to change. They were a bit muddy so I'd left them outside.

"What about these? Are you going to take them inside?" The Virgo man asked.

"Yep. I'll wash them now when I wash my feet. Waise bhi pair toh dhona hi hai."

And instantly both of us started singing again, "Pair toh dhona hi tha!" Then we realised we were both singing the same thing and stopped in the middle of the soundtrack, struck with total shock/horror/awe/amusement/delight.

Sometimes I wonder how fate brought us together. And then something like this happens that answers it all.

Yep, the dhakkans that we are, no one in their right mind would have married either of us. :)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Leave of absence

Ok ok ok I know I know. Trust me -- I KNOW. I have been missing from the bar for too long and the barrels are all empty and the bewdas are all sober and all that. Truth is -- I have no real excuse. I have always hated the 'I have no time' excuse because I have always believed that if you really want to do something, you'll always have time for it. So there. Guilty as charged. No excuses. Head hung in shame and all that.

So, in general, here's a catch-up on what's been happening. Absence makes the heart fonder and the mind wander, so pardon the randomness.

  • S2 moved back to India. For good. I am still in denial.
  • I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT wait for the new Harry Potter movie. True, I am a bigger fan of the books than the movies, but there is no thrill like watching the movie version of books you truly love, unless of course you have violent objections to the casting. I have no violent objections to the casting (yes, not even to the 'movie-Hermione is too hot compared to book-Hermione').
  • It's appraisals' season at work, and it's not particularly my favourite one. Judgement day is never easy, and I hope I can be fair to my staff and that my boss can be fair to me.
  • Diwali was a quiet affair. Viv and I didn't do much. A simple rangoli, a simple pooja, four diyas at the doorstep, a few episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and a simple dinner with a good friend.
  • Yesterday, I watched an episode of Bigg Boss on Youtube and almost fell off my chair. O.M.G. That Dolly Bindra makes Rakhi Sawant look like a classy Victorian lady, doesn't she?
  • Viv and I have started taking long walks (2-3 km after dinner IS long, okay?) after dinner. It's not only good exercise, it's such a great way to catch up with each other after a long hard day at work.
  • Viv's third (or is it the fourth?) marathon is coming up soon. Excited!
  • I watched Jhootha Hi Sahi and found it really funny. John should truly write a book called 'How to be really really hot and still be likeable'.

  • I also had the chance to finally watch Zanjeer - the movie that made Amitabh Bachchan a superstar after a string of 13 flops. Total disappointment. Erm, what was the big deal really?
  • I just realised this evening that making sambar is the most bartan-consuming culinary activity ever. One to soak the tamarind, one to soak the dal, one to soak the small onions, a pressure cooker, a wok and what not -- all just to make one dish! It's really as much effort as cooking the dish, which is why I really don't mind the current cooking-washing division of labour between Viv and me. Husbands who don't cook OR do the dishes, shame on you!

  • I haven't spoken to my 4.5-year-old niece baby Aish in a month. Seriously. When I call, she's at school and when she calls, I'm at work. I feel like she's already a hard-to-get-hold-of American teenager and soon she won't know me at all. Time to plan the next big family reunion!
And that's all for now, folks. I'll be back. Soon, I hope. Can't let Dad win the blogging battle, can I? ;)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pair up - results show

All right, the results of the last poll are out. It's a landslide victory for the evergreen reel and real life couple Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Kapoor!

The golden couple - then
Image courtesy - Allthehot

The golden couple - now
Image courtesy - Indiainfo

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Pair up

It's time for the next Bollywood poll at the bar!

Name the most feel-good Bollywood couple (married or dating, but both must be from Bollywood). In other words, the couple that makes you go, "Rab ne bana di jodi!"

Do drop your vote along with your reasons in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. Let's see who yells 'Gold!' without reading the post now. :P

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cold treatment

You know how when you travel, you keep wondering what you left behind and it completely drives you nuts and only when you realise what it is that you left behind (yes, there's always something) that your mind is at peace? Nope, never happened to you? Okay fine, good for you. Just asking. Hmmph!

Anyway, so before my parents left, I went from room to room on an inspection tour to check if they had left anything behind. Of course, one always leaves one thing behind, but I wanted to make sure it was only that one little thing and not anything important. They followed me around, highly amused.

"You remembered to take everything important?"

"Yes." They answered.

"Did you leave anything in the drawers?" I asked.


"Anything in your bathroom?"


"Anything on the dining table?"


"Anything in the drying yard?"


"Anything in the washing machine?" I opened the lid and peeped in.


"Anything in the fridge?" I opened it and asked.

"Fridge???" Both of them burst into insane laughter.

"Okay fine. Laugh all you want. I'm just trying to ensure your peace of mind. Hmmmph!" (Yeah, you can tell from my tone I was kinda mad at them for going back so soon.)

So they reached my in-laws' place yesterday (yes, they're having a gala one-week holiday there!) and my Dad called.

"So did you realise what you left behind?" I asked.

"Hmm... Yes... I did leave something very important behind." He said, with a very sad tone in his voice.

I felt a gush of warmth in my heart. He was gonna say, "My darling daughter", wasn't he?

Well, he didn't. :/

"Ginger sprout." He said.

"Ginger sprout??????? What ginger sprout? I thought you only took coconuts to grow in your garden!"

"Oh no, I bought a ginger sprout to plant here, but I left it behind." He sounded inconsolable.

"Sigh... Where did you leave it??"

"Erm... in the fridge."


Monday, October 11, 2010

The parent diaries - II

And the madness continues...

  • Since my parents have seen pretty much all the touristy places in Singapore, I am running out of new places to take them to. The good thing is, in showing them these places, sometimes Viv and I end up seeing things we had never seen before. Viv had never been inside the Singapore Flyer, and neither of us had been to Marina Barrage before. The kites at Marina Barrage were amazing, and there was even one shaped exactly like this!
  • More childhood stories! Apparently, at the age of about four or five, my friends and I had been bragging to one another about our families and possessions. In a bid to outdo my friends, I told them that my nanny had 40 teeth! Strangely, she didn't take it as a compliment when I related it to her later.

  • I made chinna vengayam sambar (sambar with small onions) for my parents today, using my mom-in-law's recipe. "What's this?" Dad asked. "This is chinna vengayam sambar. Do you know what is chinna vengayam sambar?" I asked in a challenging tone since he is so proud of whatever Tamil he has picked up. There was complete silence for a few seconds. Then he spoke. "I know Chinnaswamy Stadium." he said coolly as he helped himself to the sambar.
  • Mom has now gotten over her fear of exploding computers and is getting quite adventurous. With a little help, she is able to watch all the missed episodes of her favourite TV shows on Youtube. I was really pleasantly surprised the other day when she asked me to show her how to view the Youtube videos on full screen mode.
  • So after much prodding and many demos, Dad finally got down to creating his own blog. We had some hilarious conversations relating to that. Sample this:
    Dad - So I can post anything and anytime I want?
    Me - Yep.
    Dad - And everyone can read it?
    Me - Yep.
    Dad - And they can comment on it?
    Me - Yep.
    Dad - And how will I know if they commented?
    Me - I have set your blogger account to send all comments to your mailbox.
    Dad - WHAT?! NO! I want them at the end of the posts like they are on your blog!!!
    Me - Relax, Dad. They will be there too.
    Dad - They will be on the blog and also in my email?
    Me - Yes.
    Dad - How many comments will I get?
    Me - It depends.
    Dad - On what?
    Me - Well, on what you write and how often you write. I used to be very regular and used to get lots of comments. Now I am less regular and number of comments are fewer too.
    Dad - So how regular were you?
    Me (proudly) - Well, in the first year I posted 234 posts!
    Dad - That's all?
    Me - THAT'S ALL?? Let's see YOU do THAT! Hmmph!
    Dad (confidently) - I will post 365 posts in a year.
    Me - HA HA HA! 365 posts in a year? HA HA HA! Dad... shall we make this interesting?
    Dad - You wait and watch.
    Me - Oh, I will. :D
  • Much later...
    Dad - Wait wait, how will my readers know about my blog?
    Me - Depends on who you want your readers to be. You can pass your blog URL to family and friends if you want them to read it. And it will spread from there. It will take time though.
    Dad - How much time?
    Me - I don't know. Mine took a few years to really kick off and now it's kind of tapering. Basically anything can happen.
    Dad - Few years? Hmm... and how will your readers know about my blog?
    By now, I was really having fun so I went into major bhaav-khao mode.
    Me (indignantly) - My readers?? Why will my readers know about your blog? You go get your own readers!
    Dad - ????
    Me (coyly looking at nails) - Well, I could share your URL on my blog, but I will charge.
    Dad - ????!!!!
    Me - Okay, I won't charge, but I can't just advertise your blog URL so blatantly. I have principles, you know. I have never sold a single ad or recommendation to my readers.
    Dad - So I have to get my own readers?? :O
    Me (evil grin) - Yep, but you should have no problem with that, considering that you're going to write 365 posts a year. Muahaha!
  • Mom and I talk serious Indian politics too. This conversation is from this morning.
    Me - Mom, Rahul Gandhi is 40?!
    Mom - Yeah...
    Me - Why isn't he married yet? I thought he's supposed to be the most eligible bachelor of the country?
    Mom - Don't know... maybe he didn't get any good proposals?
    Me - Or maybe he got so many he didn't know what to do?
    Mom - Maybe! Sonia is also so busy... who will sort through the proposals?
    Me - Priyanka should do it, na?

  • Dad was on the computer when he logged a servicedesk call.
    Me - What happened now?
    Dad - I can't log into my bsnl email.
    Me - Okay, let's try again.
    Dad (after trying again) - See?
    Me - Are you sure you keyed in the right password?
    Dad - Yes, yes, I am totally sure.
    Me - Then I don't know what to do...
    Dad - It must be your computer then... it works fine at home.
    Me - There's nothing wrong with my computer. I still think you have forgotten your password.
    Dad - My password is 100% correct.
    Me - Well, I don't know what to do then...
    Dad (peers into computer) - Wait wait... I don't think this is my username.
    Me - :|
  • I woke up with a very bad cough this morning. I had already applied for leave so I didn't have to go to work. Mom grounded me though! "No roaming, sight-seeing, shopping today. You will stay home ALL DAY!" I had never been grounded as a teenager so it was doubly funny.
  • Dad asked me where he can get a sticker with the word 'Singapore'.
    Me - Sticker with the word 'Singapore'? Why?
    Dad - I want it. Where can we get one?
    Me - I am not sure. Can I get you a fridge magnet with the word 'Singapore' instead?
    Dad - No, I want a sticker.
    Me - But whyyy??
    Dad - Oh, I have three big clocks next to one another at home. One shows the India time, one shows the US time and one shows Singapore time. So when you or your sister calls, we know what time it is for you. I already have stickers for the others, I want one to stick on the Singapore clock.
    Me - Yaaaa allllaaaaaaaah...
  • I was really surprised to see Dad watching a CWG badminton match on TV. I was even more surprised when he told me that he used to be very good at badminton (Yeay! This explains my own love for badminton!) and chess (bleah!) when he was in school. He told me that the principal of his school wanted him to lead the school's football team but he had no interest in the sport, so they created the special post of 'Non-playing captain' just for him! LOL!
  • This happened yesterday when we were walking from the bus stop.
    Me - So Dad, have you ever had alcohol?
    Dad - You mean like in cough syrups?
    Me - No, like in drinks.
    Dad (proudly) - No, never. There was actually a bet in an office party between two groups about whether I can be made to take alcohol. I didn't.
    Me - Hmmm... remember we went to Cafe Iguana when you were here the last time?
    Dad - Yes...
    Me - Remember that mango drink we ordered a whole jug of?
    Dad - Yes...
    Me - Well, that was mango margarita. It had tequila.
    Dad (long pause) - Okay, I did NOT know that.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

The parent diaries

:( looks like SSSK took one of Shotgun Sinha's "KHAAAMOSH"es to heart :(

Thanks to this nudge from regular bewda Arun on my last post, I'm back in the bar. Sorry about the long absence, my parents are finally here (remember this drama?) and I have been trying my best to get away from the office often enough to spend some quality time with them. It's been an absolute riot so far, and here are some snippets:

  • Dad's 'To get from Singapore' list actually included 'A coconut from East Coast beach with a sprout so I can take it home and plant it in my garden'. Hey bhagwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! He scoured the beach for a full week before he actually found not one, but three of them! It was hilarious to see Mom's expression when he placed them in his suitcase. I don't know how he is going to take them into India (isn't carrying soil and seeds into India illegal?) but I have asked him to make sure he has enough bail money.
  • The only time I ever talk Indian politics is with my Dad. Mainly because it's very entertaining to just say 'Sonia Gandhi' and watch him shake his fists and explode.
  • We have been shopping like mad in the last few days. Just for fun, I showed Mom some branded purses and asked her to guess the cost. She couldn't and I told her, "Twelve hundred and ninety-five". Her next question - "What?! Dollars or rupees???" LOL!

  • On the subject of branded stuff, Dad's question really threw me off. "Should I get Gucci shoes?" For a second I couldn't tell if he was serious or kidding. I just went :O. (Of course, he didn't in the end.)
  • It was a proud moment for the whole family when baby Aish called and we realised that she has picked up the concept of time difference. "Mausi, it is night here," she said, "Is it morning there?"
  • Sample another conversation involving baby Aish who called one morning. Mom (who always complains that Aish speaks to everyone but her) picked up.

    Aish - Where is Mausi?
    Mom - Mausi has gone to office.
    Aish - Where is Mausa?
    Mom - Mausa has also gone to office.
    Aish - Where is Grandpa?
    Mom - Grandpa has gone to the beach to look for coconuts.
    Aish - Ok bye.
    Mom - ?????????!!!!
  • My Dad is trying to turn vegetarian. With one exception, he says. Singapore chilli crab!
  • Mom and I went for a combo pedicure. It was such a perfect bonding moment -- we even got our toenails painted in the same colour, to the amusement of the pedicurist. (I had deposited Dad at a plant nursery so he wouldn't have to endure a full girly hour with us.)
  • I am still so impressed at Dad's organic garden back home! This year, he harvested a 9.5-kg pumpkin, a gazillion coconuts and more than 100 kg of tomatoes! Apparently, even the neighbours started getting a bit sick of receiving free stuff and he had to give the tomatoes to the maid who set up a stall and started selling them!
  • This is Mom's fourth visit to Singapore and even now, after knowing that the island is teeming with Indians, if she spots an Indian on the road or an Indian bus driver, she turns to me and mouths excitedly, "Indian?"
  • Viv had entered a go-kart race and we decided to go support him. I could not believe my ears when my Dad asked him if he could take a spin with Viv in a double-kart. My dad. In a go-kart. Man! I almost sang 'Yeh dosti' when I saw both of them take off in the double-kart.
  • Mom is getting interested in Sudoku and it is so fabulous to see her progress from the one-star puzzles to the five-star ones (we call those panch-pandav-sudoku!). I actually watched in pride like a doting mother as she completed a PPS all by herself.
  • Now it's Viv's turn to have to endure my childhood stories. Muahahaha! One of my personal favourites, other than the fish market incident is this one. Dad's friend came to visit us. I was about five years old. Dad told me, "Go tell Mom Mr. Blah-Blah is here." I went and repeated it to Mom. She was in a bad mood for some reason and said, "So?? What am I supposed to do??" I went out and Dad asked me if I had told Mom. I said, "Yes, I did and she said -- So?? What am I supposed to do??" Yep, right in Mr. Blah-Blah's face. I doubt he ever visited us again. :/

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Back with Da-bang(g)

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) was invited to the Dabangg success party at Shatrughan Sinha's house. She almost fell off her portable treehouse when she saw the invitation addressed to her. But then she saw the tagline at the back of the card - 'Arbaaz Khan Productions. Publicity ke liye sala kuchh bhi karega.' - and it all made sense.

Even though SSSK reached the place exactly on time, it was already crowded. She somehow managed to push her way through and find the main cast.

Malaika (pokes Arbaaz in the ribs) - Oh shit. She's here.

Arbaaz (howls in pain) - Ouch! I told you not to do that, Malaika! You're all bones. It hurts!

Malaika (gives Arbaaz a dirty look) - She's here!

Arbaaz - Who??

Malaika - SSSK...

Salman - Who is SSSK?

Malaika - That third-class reporter who climbs trees... writes trash... cracks bad jokes and laughs at them herself... We need all the publicity we can get, so I sent her an invitation too. Beware of her, she's 100% cuckoo and tends to ask very uncomfortable questions...

SSSK walks towards the Khans.

SSSK - Hello, Khan-daan! (giggles uncontrollably at her own joke)

Malaika gives her a dirty look. Everyone else politely nods at SSSK.

SSSK takes out her notepad and a pencil and gets started.

SSSK - So Salman, congratulations on the hit. What a comeback after Veer!

Salman - Thank you, thank you.

SSSK - So what made you cast Sonu Sood as the bad guy? His body looked so much better than yours!

Salman - Ughhh... not this question again.

SSSK - Well?

Salman (in a depressed tone) - Well, I had already cast him long ago. I was labelled fat in Veer so I thought I'd train and get my abs back to show off in Dabangg. Looks like Sonu had trained harder.

SSSK - Then why didn't you simply replace him? Say with... Daler Mehendi?

Salman - Sigh... you know me. Ek baar jo maine commitment kar diya... toh main khud ki bhi nahin sunta. (grins proudly)

SSSK - That's a line from Wanted.

Salman - Erm. Don't you have questions for Arbaaz and Malaika?

SSSK - Sure, let's go with Arbaaz first.

Arbaaz (under his breath) - Oh crap.

SSSK - So Arbaaz, why are you in all of Salman's movies???

Arbaaz - Uhh... errr...

SSSK - Thank you. Malaika, why are you always doing item numbers? Do bache ho gaye, kuchh toh sharm karo.

Malaika - Duh! I'm hot, that's why. (walks off)

Salman - Erm. Come, I'll introduce you to Sonakshi.

SSSK is introduced to Sonakshi.

SSSK - So Sonakshi, how was it working with a superstar like Salman? Scary?

Sonakshi - Salman se darr nahin lagta, SSSK. Flop ho jaane se lagta hai.

SSSK - Arre wah, tum toh abhi bhi Dabangg mode mein ho.

Shatrughan Sinha walks towards them.

SSSK - Shatruji, badhaai ho. Beti ki picture hit ho gayi.

Shatrughan (raises both hands and looks up) - Sab ooparwale ki meherbani hai.

SSSK - Achha? Salman second floor par rehta hai????

Shatrughan - KHAAMOSH!

SSSK - Sorry sorry, just couldn't resist that. Waise, Sonakshi looked good in the movie. Hemaji ki yaad aa gayi.

Shatrughan (beaming) - Really? Hemaji??

SSSK - Yeah! It's been a long time since we saw a fat heroine in our movies, no? Very refreshing.

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Next question. So now that Sonakshi's career is set, what is next?

Shatrughan - Well, next we're going to work on Luv's debut.

SSSK - Erm, didn't Luv already debut in the superflop Sadiyaan?

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. So Salman is helping with Luv's debut too?

Shatrughan - Oh yes, Salman is like family now. We're all working like a family to promote Luv.

SSSK - Even Kush?

Shatrughan - Of course!

SSSK - Of course. Luv ke liye sala Kush bhi karega...

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. Waise I think Luv and Kush should both join politics and become MPs like you.

Shatrughan - Really? What makes you think that?

SSSK - Naah, then you three can call yourselves MP3. Heh heh heh!

Shatrughan - KHAAAMOSH!!!!!

SSSK - Sorry sorry. I must go find Sonu Sood.

SSSK walks towards Sonu Sood. Suddenly a girl screams, "Sonuuuu! Sonu is here???!!!!" Many hot girls scream and run towards where Sonu and SSSK are standing. Sonu Sood grins to himself, adjusts his hair and puts on sunglasses.

The girls come to a screeching halt.

One of the girls - Uhh... this is not Sonu Nigam. Who said Sonu is here??

Uncomfortable silence surrounds them. All the girls retreat. Sonu takes off his sunglasses, puts them back in his pocket and leaves the party in gloom.

SSSK finds Arbaaz again who is really drunk and is humming "Zandu balm Zandu balm peeda-haari balm".

SSSK - So Arbaaz, what is with the Zandu balm lawsuit?

Arbaaz - I don't know what's wrong with those people. They make a painkiller but they themselves are a pain! They paid us to put their name in the song and now they're suing us. Bloody leeches, trying to maximise publicity. And they succeeded too. In fact, they owe us big time. Their sales sky-rocketed right after the movie!

SSSK - Really?

Arbaaz - Oh yes, people rushed out in flocks to buy Zandu balm right after the movie! Some couldn't even wait till the end of the movie, they ran out during the interval itself! How cool is that??

SSSK - ...

Friday, September 24, 2010

Wet blanket

So there's literally no one... NO ONE... in my family (immediate or extended) whom I can discuss ghazals with. Sure, my mom likes to listen to them but she doesn't understand all the words and sure as hell does not want to sit down with me to analyse them. I do understand her situation though. I'd run too if someone asked me to sit with them and analyse lyrics by say, Lady Gaga.

As for Viv, well, the only 'ghazal' he is familiar with is the verb generally associated with beer - guzzle. However, he generally pretends to be interested in song lyrics, but only because he's trying to change them to his tune (sample this).

So today I decided to give him a basic tutorial in deconstructing ghazal lyrics. He seemed pretty keen. I picked a relatively simple one and recited it to him.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

"So what did you understand?" I asked.

"Hmmm... Say it again?" He said.

I said it again.

Dard jab teri ataa hai toh gila kisse karein?

Pat came his answer: "Paani se!!"


Monday, September 20, 2010

Mexican rice

So I made Mexican rice for dinner today and that's when I remembered that the bar hasn't seen a recipe in quite some time. It's a quite a healthy dish (till you reach the part with the cheese, heh heh!) and you can make in 45 minutes (less if you're using leftover rice).

Green pepper, 1 medium
Red pepper, 1 medium
Babycorn, 1 can
Rice, 1 cup
Olive oil, 2 tablespoons
Garlic, 2 fat cloves, grated
Salsa habanera, 2 tablespoons
Any seasoning salt that looks like it will go with Mexican food
Mexican oregano
Mozzarella cheese, 4 tablespoons, grated
Salt to taste

These are the salsa habanera and seasoning salt I used. I bought these in the US, but I'm pretty sure you'll find alternatives in every country. Tension nahin lene ka -- just look for a Mexican-looking/sounding sauce. This particular brand is the killer kind. If you shrugged your shoulders and said, "Two tablespoons se mera kya hoga?", trust me -- bahut kuchh hoga.

1. Wash and soak the rice in water.

2. Cut the peppers into thin strips.

3. Wash the canned babycorn and cut into halves.

4. Mix the pepper and babycorn pieces in a glass bowl. Add 5 tablespoons of water and microwave on high for 10 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, put the rice to boil. I usually make it by boiling it in water and draining the excess starch, as I like the grains to stay separate. I don't think this will work very well with rice cooked in a rice cooker or pressure cooker.

6. Heat the olive oil and add the grated garlic.

7. Add the microwaved vegetables.

8. Add salt, 2 tablespoons of the salsa habanera and a dash of the seasoning salt and oregano. Mix well.

9. Add the cooked rice. Mix well.

10. Turn off the heat and put the rice and vegetables in a glass bowl (I just reuse the first one).

11. Cover the top with grated cheese.

12. Microwave on medium for about 5 minutes (or till the cheese melts).

13. Dig in!

Serves 3 (or 2, if a very hungry Viv is involved)

1. You can skip the cheese if you want, but beware, by skipping the cheese, you're messing with the sanctity of the dish.
2. If you really really REALLY want to skip the cheese, I have a great alternative. Don't skip the cheese. Hit the gym.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tuned out

I am really REALLY annoyed. As they say, aaj toh hadd hi ho gayi.

You know how when you're listening to the radio and the RJ asks a question and you're scrambling for the phone so you can sms the answer before anyone else can? Well, I don't. Because there is no point. The questions asked on the channel that I listen to for my daily dose of Bollywood songs are so dumb and easy that by the time you unlock your phone, one of the 38475900283746483 gen-sms kids would have already walked away with the prize.

At least that's what I thought.

So today, the RJ asks, "Name the movie in which Shah Rukh Khan plays a guy who directs musical plays."

My first reaction was rather tame: ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??

Come on, if you're going to ask a question that's supposed to identify a real Bollywood fan, ask something like 'How many actresses can you name who have acted opposite all the three Khans - Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir?' Give the prize to the one who can name the most.

Anyway, so that was her question. SRK as a musical play director. Ugh. Sanjay Dutt's unborn twins could answer it.

Oh wait, it got worse. She then proceeded to say, "As a clue, I'll play a song from that movie." And she played 'Bholi si soorat'. Man. She might as well have played the title song!

Why was she doing it??? Well, I had my answer half an hour later.

It turns out she had not received any answers.


Finally she got an sms, which she shamelessly read out loud. The sms-er had asked, "Can you give another clue?"


So she gave another clue -- that the movie featured one of the prominent dancing stars of Bollywood.

I was cooking, so as I flitted in and out of the kitchen, I would catch snatches of what she was saying. At last count, her exact words were, "The movie featured Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit. You can sms me your answer at..."


Seriously, what is the world coming to????

Is this the matrix?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

PR ke side effects

So Permanent Residents (PRs) in Singapore are in a great state of agitation over this piece of news. Here's an excerpt:

Government encourages more Singapore PRs to take up citizenship

SINGAPORE: The Singapore Government is moving to encourage more Permanent Residents in the country to take up citizenship.

Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong said some PRs will be approached to become citizens and if they don't do so, their status will not be renewed.

Immigration was one of many issues tackled during a dialogue session with over 200 residents from Marine Parade to gather feedback on the Prime Minister's National Day Rally.

SM Goh did not give details on getting PRs to take up citizenship.

"Moving forward, we are going to approach some of them to take up Singapore citizenship, if they don't then their PR will not be renewed. That's a better way.

"We now have quite a few PRs, 500,000 in Singapore, so hopefully maybe 50,000 can be selected to become Singapore citizens, the rest can be PRs, contributing to Singapore's economy," he said.

My friends and I have been having a hot debate on this over email, with some very varied views, and it struck me that I could open this up at the bar and see what other NRI bewdas feel about taking up citizenship of the countries they live in.

Would you take it if it's offered to you?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

The cast system

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) finds out that the Kapoors are having an audition to select the cast for the sequel to Mr. India. Boney Kapoor had been talking about the sequel for quite some time and finally it looked like things were moving. Meanwhile, Shekhar Kapur was last known to be thunking his head on a pillar.

Anyway, SSSK reaches the audition venue, finds a suitable tree from where she can record the proceedings using her pencil and notepad, and makes herself comfortable on one of the branches.

A large group of relatively good-looking young men are sitting in a hall, some showing off their bodies, while others looking plainly nervous. Suddenly Sanjay Kapoor appears with a clipboard. Standing next to him is a rather pudgy-looking fella in glasses who goes by the name of Arjun (click here to see photo).

Sanjay (looks around at the group) - So Arjun, what do you think?

Arjun (looks around) - Naah... none of them are suitable for the role. Tch! They're all too bony.

Hunky guy nearest to them (gets up and shows his fist) - Abbe! Kaun hai be tu? Muscle dekha hai? Abs dekha hai? Bony kisko bola re? Huh huh? Bony kisko bola? Bony hoga tera baap!!

Arjun (smiles and backs off) - Yes yes, that is actually correct. Mera baap Boney hai. Boney Kapoor.

Murmurs of "Abbe Boney Kapoor ka beta hai..." and "Ab toh apna koi chance nahin..." and "Dhakkan lagta hai lekin baap toh isi ko cast karega" and "Chal nikalte hain" are heard through the hall and soon it is empty.

Sanjay and Arjun go inside where Boney Kapoor, Anil Kapoor and Sridevi are busy discussing the script.

Sridevi - So... how's it looking outside?

Arjun - Erm, there is no one outside.

Sanjay glares at Arjun.

Arjun - What? There IS no one outside!

Anil (to Boney) - Dekha Bhaiya? I told you! These youngsters can't do it. Look at me, I still look so young! Everyone is saying that. I'm telling you -- I can play Arun again.

Sridevi - Uh, I always thought you were playing Arun again. I mean, if I'm playing Seema again... Wait a minute... Isn't that so? (turns towards Boney)

Boney - Erm... *cough cough*

Sridevi (to Sanjay) - Sanju, what's happening? Am I in the movie or not??

Sanjay - Of course you're in the movie, Bhabhi!

Sridevi (still looking at them suspiciously) - And my role is...?

Arjun - Erm, you will be in Mala D...

Sridevi - WHAT?! MALA D??????

Sanjay - Bhabhi, he means Mala of Death. Tu bhi na Arjun...

Sridevi - MALA OF DEATH????

Sanjay - Oh yes, we'll have a picture of you on the wall with a mala. To indicate that you are... you know... (looks up and shakes his head)

Sridevi (gives Boney a furious look) - And that's all I get??

Boney - Gulp. Of course not, dear. You'll get to pick the picture too.

Sridevi - Oh wow. Really? May I ask why I will be confined to the wall?

Sanjay - The sequel is set in the future na Bhabhi, that's why. Wayyy in the future. When both Arun and Seema are... (looks upwards and shakes his head)

Sridevi - You killed us??

Sanjay - Bhabhi, there's nothing wrong with being killed in the sequel. Look at Preity Zinta... even she played Mala D in Krrish, no? If she can do it... And she's so young.... (clams up upon receipt of dagger-eyes from Sridevi).. I mean you're also very young...

Anil (clears his throat and declares proudly) - Speaking of looking young...

Boney (irritated) - Shut up, Anil. Not again.

Anil (meekly) - Ok.

Boney - Ok, so that's decided. Both Anil and Sri will be on the wall.

Anil and Sridevi sulk.

Boney - We will have a fresh young pair in the lead instead.

Anil - Fresh young pair chahiye?? Arre pehle bolna tha na! Sonam ko le lo!! Fresh bhi, young bhi. Ghar ki baat hai, fees par bhi discount!

Boney (holds his head in his hands in frustration) - Bas karo, tum log!!

Arjun - I agree with Papa. Waise bhi, Sonam is too thin. Matching achhi nahin lagegi.

Anil - Matching? Abbe kaahe ki matching??

Arjun - I mean, mere saath... she's too bony... everyone these days is so bony...

Anil - Tere saath?? Tu hero hai?

Arjun - I would think so... no, dad?

Boney - Sigh... ek aur aa gaya queue mein... Dekho Arjun, self-made man bano, don't rely on fathers and Godfathers. Apne dum par hero bankar dikhao!

Sanjay (suddenly alert) - Bhaiya, aapne mere baare mein nahin socha?? Ab meri toh self-made man banne ki umar bhi nahin rahi. If Anil is dead in the movie, I mean... I should be next in line, no?

Boney - Chup! Sab ke sab chup! Yeh khandani picture hai iska matlab yeh nahin ki bhai-behen and chacha-bhatiji will act opposite each other!

Anil - But the other Kapoors did it all the time... Shashi Kapoor and Randhir Kapoor acted opposite Neetu Singh...

Boney - Chhee chhee! We are the shareef kind of Kapoors. We won't do that.

Anil - Okay, can I be Mogambo?

Boney - Mogambo?! Tu pagal ho gaya hai? Tujhe bacha kucha career barbaad karna hai? Jab hero apni movie ke remake ya sequel mein villain banta hai, toh pata hai kya hota hai? Aag lag jaati hai aag!

Sanjay - You mean RGV ki aag??

Boney - Heh heh. Correct.

Sanjay - Bhaiya, phir main Calendar ban jaaun?? Woh role toh mujhe de do?

Boney - Offo! I don't want to cast my family members in my movie. Besides, I want Arshad Warsi for the role of Calendar.

Sanjay - Arshad maan jayega? Thoda chhota role nahin hai uske liye? He was Circuit after all. Circuit se Calendar? Thoda analog ho gaya, nahin?

Boney - Theek hai, character ka naam badal denge. Digital Calendar?

Everyone looks at one another and rolls their eyes.

Boney - Achha woh doosre room mein dekho heroine ke audition ke liye kaun kaun aayi hai? I really need a big star.

Sanjay goes into the next room where he finds Sushmita Sen, Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan, Dia Mirza, Tanushree Dutta and Celina Jaitley.

Sanjay - Wow... This is so great. So many of you! So what made you decide to come for the audition?

Tanushree and Celina (under their breath) - Kya karein... Aur kahin kaam nahin mil raha hai...

Aishwarya - Duh! We've all held the Miss India title. Mr. India ke opposite Miss India. Duh!

All the other ladies echo the "Duh!"

Suddenly Neha Dhupia rushes in.

Neha - OMG. Am I late?? Mujhe abhi abhi sms aaya ki saari Miss Indias are here.

Sanjay - Arre Neha, tum? Sorry yaar lekin this movie is not suitable for you. Us type ka role nahin hai....

Neha (startled) - What do you mean us type ka? Kis type ka?

Sanjay - You know... jis type ka tum karti ho... tumhaari har movie mein... yeh thoda... erm, family movie type hai.

Neha gets offended and storms off. The other ladies giggle bitchily.

Arjun walks in.

Arjun - Chachu, what is happening?

Sanjay (happily grins at Arjun) - Look, Arjun! So many of them!

Arjun (looks around) - Tch! They're too thin yaar... these days everyone is too thin yaar...

Sanjay - Lekin thin heroine is hit heroine. And we have so many to choose from! Let me go inside and tell Bhaiya, he will be so thrilled.

Arjun - Ek minute, Chachu.

Sanjay - Kya hua?

Arjun (to the Miss Indias) - Ladies, I am really sorry but the hero is 5'2" and all of you are too tall for him. Sorry.

Sushmita - Ugh. Not again. I will never find a guy who is taller than me. Ever! Bachpan mein itna skipping nahin karna chahiye tha...

Aishwarya - Skipping? You too, Sush? Main bhi karti hoon. I toh skip every other meal!

All the ladies shake their heads and leave the hall, murmuring "Arre crown ka toh kuchh faayda hi nahin hua yaar..."

Sanjay (looks at Arjun in surprise) - Huh? Arjun, what did you mean when you said 'The hero is 5'2"'? Who is 5'2"?

Arjun (displays an evil grin) - Me. Papa ne bola tha na... Aise bante hain self-made men in Bollywood.

In search of the truth - III

Yikes, I just realised I had missed posting the keywords post for August. I only remembered when someone said that they really like these posts. I shamelessly took that as a compliment in full view of the fact that my contribution to such posts is only the generic first paragraph. Anyway, here it is, a list of keywords very disturbed folks recently searched for and landed, for some very disturbing reason, at the bar.
  • Girls playing with there boys frand in uk
  • namaskar india, mee goreng
  • jee le jee le aayo ayao jee le le-tarzan film songs
  • paisa sood samet
  • mrityu sabse bada shikshak quotes
  • chuck ke rakh
  • shankarteja family photos
  • main tane prem karu bachchan
  • rongoboti ah rongoboti
  • bharta smells like
  • ya.ali
  • reding shayeri
  • Sexy sayeri
  • aasama ko dharti pe lane dj mix
  • hot she males sexy
  • motival tablets kabootar
  • govinda and Juhi aa gale lag ja dialogue
  • Aasman ko dharti pe lanewala chahiye
  • sayesha indian idol
  • Aap Jaisa Koi Meri Zindagi Mein Aaye mean
  • dialogue after slap from dil chahta hai
  • things that make life worth living
  • bar taglines
  • rocks
  • what is the border line weight to ride a horse
  • shaan tum jo hasti ho to yeh sara
  • short skirt science
  • bahut pakaya in english

Monday, August 30, 2010

Laden with laughs

Just when I had given up hope of Tere Bin Laden releasing in Singapore, it did! And here are my random thoughts after watching it. I'll try my best not to have too many spoilers in case you have yet to watch it.

Image courtesy

  • First, brilliant brilliant casting, especially Pradhuman Singh who plays Noora/Osama. Director Abhishek Sharma had real vision to imagine that this guy could pull off such a convincing Osama! I especially loved the way he said, "Aande" and "Kukkad". You could really feel his deep and sincere love for his aande and his kukkad.
  • Ali Zafar, who plays Ali, is absolutely great. He acted so well I did not believe google when it told me that he's a superstar singer in Pakistan! He's got the right blend of Shahid's good looks and Sharman's bechara-ness, which make him perfect for this role.

  • The story is, of course, completely fresh, and not something every director would approach without fearing the ramnifications. But Abhishek Sharma makes it work and how. I wonder if being the writer of the movie you're directing helps to put on celluloid exactly what you envisioned in your mind when you were writing.
  • I loved the fact that there was no unnecessary romantic angle in the movie in spite of the good-looking lead actor. I was a little worried that they would have something between him and Zoya, but they really surprised me very pleasantly when the subtle romantic track turned out to be between Zoya and... oh well, you gotta watch the movie!
  • I am a little surprised that the US let this through but Pakistan banned it.
  • The scene with the truck reminded me of my Pakistan trip. Though they shot most of the movie in India, I was thrilled to see that they had got hold of an authentic Pakistani truck for these scenes.
  • There were only about two songs, and one of them goes something like, "He's a gudd-looking ullu da paththa." Now normally, I hate songs that mix Hindi and English, but this song is so apt and catchy, it really sticks in your head. Viv and I were singing it as we walked back from the theatre to the bus stop! (Viv corrected me when I sang, "He's a good-looking ullu da paththa" and said it's actually "gudd-looking" instead. Point taken.)

  • The flow of the movie is brilliant -- how Ali meets each of the characters who partner him in the scam is done very naturally and help to develop the story. Why they would agree to be part of the fiasco is also very believable, and not to mention funny, especially the RJ's reason.

  • The movie is hilarious -- laugh-out-loud from start to finish. It is a spoof but not the annoying kind. The screenplay makes it really work. It experiments with all levels from humour -- from the very subtle (watch out for the umbrella that wouldn't close -- it comes back!) to slapstick (the scene involving Sikandar and the grenade).

  • In spite of being a comedy, the movie has its hard-hitting message all right. Cue the scene at the coffee machine.

  • The problem with most Bollywood movies that start out being very funny is that after the interval, the fun dies and the melodrama starts, leading to an extremely lame end. It's like two movies from completely different genres were sewn along the interval. Not with Tere Bin Laden though. The movie actually gets funnier as it progresses (yeah I know it's hard to believe!) and it has a great ending.
  • The dialogue is utterly witty. Almost every scene has a classic line. You'll really need to watch it again to fully catch each line. I can safely say that this is in the top 5 list of the funniest movies I have ever watched.

  • I wonder if Osama himself watched it, and how he reacted.

  • I can't wait for the DVD.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Family feud

"Yenna vishesham?"

I did a double-take. Had I called Dad-in-law by mistake? Nope, it was Dad all right because the pronunciation seemed a bit bonkers.

"Huh? Wha... wha... WHAT?!" This is all I could manage.

"Yenna vishesham?" He repeated cheerfully.

"What do you mean?" I asked, still stumped.

"You don't know 'Yenna vishesham'? You're married to a Tamilian and you don't know what is 'Yenna vishesham'?????"

"I know what is 'Yenna vishesham' all right. How do YOU know 'Yenna vishesham'???

"Of course I know what is 'Yenna vishesham'. Do YOU know what is 'Yenna vishesham'??" He laughed.

Okay, this was going nowhere.

"'Yenna' means 'what' and 'vishesham' means 'special'. So you're asking - 'What is new/special?' Okay now? Happy?"


"What correct? Of course I know it's correct."

"But you didn't use it in a conversation. I did." He said proudly.

"Well, I don't randomly use it to impress people. I use it when... erm... it's... needed."

Dad had gifted me two books on how non-Tamilians can learn Tamil in 30 days. Viv is a terrible teacher when it comes to Tamil and the only useful stuff I learn is when the in-laws come over, so my Dad thought he could supplement my education with the books. Word of advice -- Do NOT believe a word of what those book titles say. 30 days my foot. Sure I can now almost pronounce 'kozhambu', almost differentiate between kannadi/munnadi/pinnadi and nariya/periya/seriya and almost insult people by calling them 'korangu', but I am still far away from really knowing the language. The last thing I needed was my Dad learning more Tamil than me.

Anyway, I let the incident go and dismissed how thrilled Dad had sounded at his 'victory'.

Until this evening when Viv sent me an sms, saying he was going to get home late from work.


Quick as lightning, I messaged back, "Yenna vishesham?"

Viv's response was in Singlish, which loosely translated to emoticonspeak is this --> :O


Now I just have to call Dad and ask him if HE has ever been sarcastic in fluent Tamil. Ha!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Money talks

Okay, so this video is like FOUR years old but I don't care. I just chanced upon it (thanks to Bivas) and it's awesome and it's the video of the week at the bar. :)

If the embedded video is lagging, you can watch it directly on Youtube.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Taking st-age - results show

The results of the last poll are out!

According to the bar's bewdas and bewdis, the Bollywood personality (female) who looks the best according to her age is... you guessed it, Hema Malini!

Here's a recent picture of our 62-year-old Dreamgirl.

Image courtesy

And... the Bollywood personality (male) who looks the best according to his age is... bet you guessed it again, Anil Kapoor!

And here's a recent picture of our 51-year-old Lakhan.

Image courtesy

On a very related note, I saw a recent interview by Anil Kapoor where he shared his secret. He said something like, "We make our bodies work for us 24 hours a day. It's not asking for a lot if we just take 1 hour every day and work for our bodies."

Very cool. Very inspiring.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Taking st-age

Bewdas and bewdis, it's time for a Bollywood poll at the bar!

Name one male and one female Bollywood celebrity who looks the best for his/her age now.

Drop your vote in the comments box. Comment moderation will stay on till the results are revealed in the next post, so you won't be able to see your (or others') comments until then. This is actually a good way to see if bewdas/bewdis read the post before yelling 'Gold!' :P

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Bad Company

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) is back, bringing you an exclusive interview with the writer, director and actors of the movie 'Once upon a time in Mumbaai'. Writer Rajat Arora and director Milan Luthria are seated on a couch in SSSK's treehouse. Emraan Hashmi is on another couch, and Prachi Desai is trying to inch away from him. Kangana is at the bar, drinking herself silly. Devgn is brooding because he doesn't have any other look. Randeep Hooda has made himself comfortable in a beanbag. SSSK is outside on a branch with her notepad and a pencil.

Milan (giving SSSK a strange look) - Errr... are you sure that's where you want to take the interview from?

SSSK - Oh yes, it's an inspiration thing. Don't worry about it. Shall we start?

Rajat - Sure!

SSSK - So Rajat, Milan, kya picture banayi...

Rajat & Milan (grinning) - Thank you thank you.

SSSK - Nahin, mera matlab hai... kyaaaaa picture banayi yaar... Company ki remake?!

Rajat - Company ki remake?!

SSSK - Woh bhi such a bad one? Picture ka naam rakhna tha Bad Company! (guffaws at her own joke)

Milan (stands up in indignation) - Company?! Kaun Company? Kiski Company? Main kisi Company ko nahin jaanta!

Randeep - Arre she's talking about the movie Company. Ramu ki Company. Same story as our movie, no?

Milan gives Randeep a dirty look.

SSSK - Wait, so are you saying that this is not a remake of Company?

Milan - Of course not!

Kangana - It's not?!

Rajat - Kangana! We talked about this!

SSSK - Let's see. Company was the story of a gangster and his right hand man, and their fallout. Once Upon was the story of a gangster and his right hand man, and their fallout. Both had Ajay Devgn in the lead...

Rajat - Oh please! There are obvious differences, ok? First of all, Ajay still had the 'a' in his surname when he did Company. Now he doesn't. And... and... the right hand man in Company was Vivek Oberoi and here it's Emraan Hashmi. And... Company wasn't set in the 70s ok, our movie is!

SSSK - Speaking of that... what was with the 70s? It looked so fake. It was very spoofy-70s, much like Om Shanti Om.

Milan - Ugh. Nooooo. Please stop bringing in more movies to compare!

Kangana - You mean my clothes were not inspired from Om Shanti Om?

Rajat - Aaaarghhhhh! Is bewdi ko kahan se lekar aaya re... Milan maine mana kiya tha... teri casting... aaaargghhh!

SSSK - The clothes looked really silly, didn't you think?

Ajay (mutters under his breath) - Tabhi toh I insisted on full white. Cartoon nahin lagna tha mujhe Emraan ki tarah...

Emraan - Excuse me?! I was looking like a cartoon?! Tu... tu... chalti phirti Nirma ki dukaan lag raha tha!

Milan - Guys, guys, relax. SSSK, actually the 70s theme was crucial to the story.

SSSK - But why?!

Rajat - Errr... What do you mean why? (looks at Milan for help, who shrugs helplessly)

SSSK - My theory is that the dialogue of this movie was written in the 70s... so you decided to make it a 70s movie. Am I right?

Rajat - WHAT?!

SSSK - Of course. Who talks like that anymore? Which movie has dialogues like 'Aaj ka kaam kal karunga toh aaj bura maan jayega' and 'Main teri dua khaunga' and 'Ghoda jab langda ho jata hai toh uska ek hi anjaam hota hai'?

Rajat (turning red with rage) - Stop. Asking. Questions.

SSSK - And what's with the spelling of Mumbai as Mumbaai in the title?

Milan - Dammit, Ektaaaaaa!

Rajat - Maine mana kiya tha, Milan...

Milan - She's the frickin' producer! What was I supposed to do?

SSSK - Hmmm... Ok, Ajay, let me ask you something. Do you now give a discount to producers who cast you in gangster movies? Why are you doing the same thing again and again?

Ajay - Grrrr...

SSSK - Udhar Kajol is back to her shrieking self -- I just saw the trailer of 'We are family'. Naya kaam nahin mil raha hai kya dono ko?

Ajay - GRRR...

SSSK - And what about you, Kangana? Why do you keep playing the same role in all movies?

Kangana - Same role? All movies? That's not true. See, usually I play a psychotic actress or model who's in love with the wrong guy, and she is addicted to drugs and alcohol and dies in the end, right?

SSSK - Yep. That sums it up nicely.

Kangana - Well, in this movie I play an... uhh... actress... who is... uhhh... in love with a gangster... uhh... and she has a drink with him every day and uhh...

SSSK (grinning broadly) - Yes, go on?

Kangana - Oh... hmmm... good point. But hey, I am not psychotic and I am not a drug addict in this movie, okay?

SSSK - But your character is.. guess what... dying... again!

Kangana - Hmm... another good point. But hey, usually I die in my movies by committing suicide okay??? In this movie, I am dying of... con... congee...

Rajat (sighs) - Congenital heart disease, Kangana...

Kangana - Yeah! That one! So there! I don't kill myself. See? See?

SSSK - Sigh... Emraan, your turn now. Same question. Why do you keep playing the same guy in all movies?

Emraan - What?! That's not true! I usually play this grey-to-negative character who only has bedroom scenes, right?

SSSK - Right.

Emraan - Well, in this movie, my character is...uhh... kind of grey... to negative...

SSSK - Uh huh...

Emraan - But hey, not every scene is a bedroom scene, okay?? In fact, I have some very nice scenes. There's a very romantic one where I watch the movie Bobby and then I buy the Bobby outfit for Prachi and make her wear it...

SSSK - And what's the scene right after that? Once she wears it?

Emraan - Uhhh.... forget that. There are other scenes... like the one where I go to a pub with my guy friends and we're just chilling out?

SSSK - And what's the scene right after that?

Emraan - Uhhh...

SSSK - And now you, Prachi! Same question.

Prachi - Hey I am only two movies old.

SSSK - And your second movie also shows you as this seedhi saadhi ladki who is trying to get her man to change his ways?

Prachi - Erm... uh... I'm pretty, okay? Okay! No one cares what role I play.

SSSK - And you, Randeep. What the hell was your character? Why didn't you just kill Ajay and Emraan when you had a chance? You kept talking about Emraan as the mohra but he wasn't even on your side. And when he tried to kill Ajay, you tried to stop him. What on earth was your role?? Why would you blame everything on yourself and try to kill yourself after 18 years?? WHY??????

Randeep - Arre! Emotional mat ho. I am just happy I got a movie yaar. Who cares that the character is dim-witted as long as he's a hot cop? I was hot, wasn't I? What a contrast to Mohanlal, eh? (looks at Rajat and Milan)

Rajat (grinding his teeth) - AAAARGHHH!!!

Milan - For the last time, this is NOT a remake of Company!!!!

SSSK - Okay okay, calm down. One last question, okay?

Rajat - Okay fine...

SSSK - So what was the point of the movie?

Milan - All right. That's it. The interview ends right here. Pack up!