Every blog has its day

Some time ago, someone I knew suddenly closed down her blog. There was no explanation - just a note thanking her blog readers and requesting them not to ask her to change her mind.

It brought back memories of the day when this bar almost closed down.

I believe that every blogger, at one point in time or the other, considers shutting shop. A blog, just like a relationship, can end anytime. For no reason. But then sometimes, there is a reason. It could be anything. It could be a desire to retire at the peak, just like many football coaches do, rather than to see the blog going downhill and then giving up. Or it could be due to other factors - burnout, boredom, blogger's block, mean anonymous comments, readers you don't want on your blog, anything at all. That's when you just feel like it's not worth it anymore, that it's becoming more of a burden than a joy. When you know that merely taking a break will not help. When you know that it's time to end it all.

However, I'm fortunate that it only happened to me once. I have often experienced frustration because of this blog, but I always woke up the next day, feeling happy and wanting to blog again. But this particular incident was different. I knew I did not want to continue anymore. It was getting too difficult to maintain the bar. I was paying a very high price. And I knew I could not afford to anymore. I'd even written a final post, because I felt that it would be a dishonour to Sayeshaz and the bewda readers if there was no closing post.

So I wrote a post titled 'The rent is too high' and saved it as a draft first, to post the next day, when I was slightly calmer. The next day, for some strange reason, I did not want to post it. Maybe I did not really want to shut down. Maybe I convinced myself when I said, "No one should be able to emotionally hurt me without my explicit permission." Maybe there's something about blogosphere, something that doesn't let you quit, that doesn't let you die. Instead, it pulls you up, dusts the hurt away, and makes you stand up on your feet again, and you feel ready to write again.

But the draft was still there. And every time I'd see the draft, I'd think, "Hmmm.. I wonder when..."

That draft was driving me nuts. I wanted to delete it but I knew that if I deleted it, it would stay in my head forever. I could see me pointing an angry accusing finger at myself, saying "You destroyed a post? How could you do that? You put effort into writing it and you destroyed it? You are a dhakkan!"

And if it stayed on as a draft, I saw me again, saying, "You just wanna keep it so that one day when you're frustrated again, you'd have an easy solution and a convenient last post, isn't it? Coward!" I knew it was highly possible that I would just post the saved draft one day and that would be the end of this blog. Just like that.

As the purane bewdas would know, running the bar over the last 1.5 years hasn't exactly been a bed of roses for me. But I refused to give up because I am in love with this place. I love to hang out here with my blog buddies. It's my place of relaxation. My end of the day chillout place. I can't shut it down just like that.

I'm not saying that I will never stop blogging. But if this blog has to end, it should not and will not end just like that.

If there's an end, it will be a happy one.

So I decided to post the saved draft today and get it over with, done with, so that it's out there, and out of my system. And I wouldn't think about it anymore. (Have you noticed that once you blog about something, it stops bothering you?) So here, it is, the post that I'm publishing today as a mark of how stupid I was - to actually allow myself to get so hurt that I almost stopped doing what I love to do.

Blog.

So here's the saved draft:

It was one of those days that we label as 'bad'
I was angry, I was shocked, I was hurt, I was sad
I was walking alone on a grey, foggy day
When I bumped into myself on the way.

She smiled a knowing smile and said "Hi!"
"Ah, so you finally decided to drop by!"
You had to come here, it's been long due."
I said, "You look like me, but who are you?"

"I'm you", she said, "but you wouldn't know.
You're the same as me, but from a long time ago.
Come along with me, let me show you, my dear
The ugly truths of the blogosphere."

"On every single post that you pen down
There will be some faces that will frown
You will be judged you on whatever you write
You'll come across malice and plenty of spite."

"The same thing if posted by a friend
Is cute and funny and adorable to no end
But if it's posted by someone they dislike
The spiteful comments will suddenly spike."

"You'll make on your blog many a good friend,
But not all will stay with you till the end.
Just when you think that you know them through
They'll choose that moment to tell you what they really think of you."

"And once in a while, you'll feel the stress
And you'll shed a few tears and wonder in distress
Your heart will ache, and depression will strike
You'll ask - is this what blogging's supposed to be like?"

"Spite, malice, cynicism... Is happiness the new sin?
But shouldn't being happy be perennially in?
If grumbling and complaining is not your cup of tea
Does that make you an 'uncool blogger' for eternity?"

"If you start the miss the good old days
If you feel that you're trapped in a wordy maze
If you feel unhappy, if you feel out of place
Maybe it's better to drop out of the mad race?"

I listened to her with patience, but I had something to say
"But why are there more bloggers today than yesterday?
If it's all so ugly, why do people still blog?" I asked.
"We do it of our own will, it's not like we're tasked."

"Why do you blog, Sash? You need to ask yourself."
And I replied "Isn't it a joy - blogging in itself?"
"Well, it is, but only till the day it brings you pain
Perhaps then it's time to start thinking again."

"What is a blog? It's the words in your heart.
It doesn't need skill, neither is it an art.
You can express whatever you have to say.
It doesn't always have to be the same old way."

"Don't brood over the joys of the old blogging days
Do you know you can blog in a million other ways?"
I looked up at her, amazed, and she whispered to me
"Your blog is your heart, and only you have the key."

I had one more thing to ask her, "Do you still blog?"
And all I could see was her smile through the fog.
Before walking away, she stopped and looked back at me
"Blog?" She laughed. "I just did, didn't you see?"