Thursday, April 21, 2005

The real Sayesha

Just as I finished writing my last post, I got an email from Dad. He's got another transfer and he sounded very excited about it. But it did not matter too much to me. It is not going to affect my life much. Instead of taking my annual flight home to City A, I'll be flying to City B.

However, there was a point when my life used to be completely governed by his transfers. 7 schools in 12 years. It had been very difficult, especially when the first one was at the age of 6, and I did not understand why I had to suddenly leave my school and friends and go to a strange place where I knew nobody. The word 'home' held no meaning anymore.

Being the emotional person that I was, I could not take the pain of leaving my close friends and moving every few years. This, in the midst of trying to settle down with new languages, new teachers, new classmates, new lifestyles. Everything was unfamiliar. I missed my old friends
. Life seemed meaningless without them. And the worst part was -- finally when I would settle down, and make new friends, it was time to pack and leave again. It was horrid.

As I grew up, over the years, I experimented a lot on how best to handle the situation. I changed my personality to not end up hurt. There have been so many Sayeshas in the past. I remember two of them very clearly. The sentimental Sayesha who loved her friends dearly, and cried during every transfer, transformed into the cold, tough Sayesha who did have friends, but they were shallow relationships that would not matter anymore when she left them.

Sayesha had figured out how to survive without getting hurt.

She was strong. She was tough. She was independent.

She was happy. But was
she?

Deep inside, she knew. That this Sayesha was not the real Sayesha. And as Keshav remarked on one of my earlier posts, "It helps being emotionally unattached, but is it always possible??" Can you really detach yourself to that point? No, you can't. And I learnt that the most important thing is -- you don't have to.

So, I decided to come back.

This is me, the real Sayesha. The one who appreciates the simple joys of life. The one who lives every moment. The one who appreciates emotions. The one who is not going to stop loving people for fear of getting hurt. And that is how she has chosen to live her life. That's the only way to live.

Finally, Sayesha has figured out how to get hurt and survive.



9 comments:

The Village Idiot / Soldier said...

Surviving Sayesha, like Mayawati Mangeshkar and Jharkandi Jhansi, is in a league of her wone (That's How mellus pronounce own)

scwibbles said...

Ain't easy! but you realise how strong you are when you are put to the test or rather tests. You question the Maker, as to 'Why Me?' but well you can take it and so you are given what you can survive thru. Love your spirit...yep, hurt, but still the survivor. Guess its all 'karma' if not from this birth then probably from your previous ones, that is if you do believe in rebirths =). No one is born strong...you just clench your fists and get going! Guess that's what life is all about! Sayesha is a survivor!...no second thoughts about it! ;)

scwibbles said...

and yep! God bless you! =)

Viv said...

I guess I can never fully appreciate the emotions that you went through at that young age, but seeing how you feel about your friends having to move away now, I guess it must have been a lot harder back then! I admire that attitude... of loving, even if it could mean getting hurt. You rock, girl!

I should also add that reading about your experience makes me appreciate the sacrifices my parents made for my sake... will talk abt them when I have a blog :) but for now, it would suffice to say "Mom and Dad, I love you!"

Soon to be American Pie said...

I know I am going to feel awfully sad when I leave Singapore - especially when I leave my friends behind.

Did you see the first episode of JOEY last night? Similar to what JOEY said - The next 5-6 months are going to be a big change for all of us.

Here's to friendship, and we should get acting on the idea that I mooted - a common blog for all of us to post to - no matter where we are in the world.

Blog Virgins like Viv and Max need to be brought on board too. :)

It will be a Jembing Jolly Time. ;)

Reghu said...

... :)

Anonymous said...

I read blog after blog
And wonder if I would have said things differently
But the more I read you
The more I feel as though you're writing about me

Is it that you are in my head?
Or are you in other darknesses beyond the ME I always find?
For when the words on your blog spring out at me..
I feel as though someone's just spoken my mind!

Does it freak me out?
Yea - at times. But more in a happyy happy sorta way
For Sayesha puts into words things
That I am sometimes too shy to say

We seem to have reached a similar crossroad in life..
'Should I be hard-hearted or should I just be ME?'
We share a similar love for the awesome innocence of our parents
And difficult-to-control levels of hyperactivity...


I have never met her and I know her not
So I would not say that she is a sister to me
But one thing's for sure - With the way Sayesha blogs
Sayesha is like a mirror of ME.

Thank you, Sayesha. For everything.

Clueless said...

Sayesha...I know exactly how you feel!! I am in the process of leaving what i've come to know as 'home'...and no matter how many times i've done it before, each time just seems harder!! But I really like what you said...seems to me I should adopt the same policy...thanks for telling me!!

Bhavya said...

Very well said - one definitely needs to love without fear of getting hurt in order to live life fully