The real Sayesha

Just as I finished writing my last post, I got an email from Dad. He's got another transfer and he sounded very excited about it. But it did not matter too much to me. It is not going to affect my life much. Instead of taking my annual flight home to City A, I'll be flying to City B.

However, there was a point when my life used to be completely governed by his transfers. 7 schools in 12 years. It had been very difficult, especially when the first one was at the age of 6, and I did not understand why I had to suddenly leave my school and friends and go to a strange place where I knew nobody. The word 'home' held no meaning anymore.

Being the emotional person that I was, I could not take the pain of leaving my close friends and moving every few years. This, in the midst of trying to settle down with new languages, new teachers, new classmates, new lifestyles. Everything was unfamiliar. I missed my old friends. Life seemed meaningless without them. And the worst part was -- finally when I would settle down, and make new friends, it was time to pack and leave again. It was horrid.

As I grew up, over the years, I experimented a lot on how best to handle the situation. I changed my personality to not end up hurt. There have been so many Sayeshas in the past. I remember two of them very clearly. The sentimental Sayesha who loved her friends dearly, and cried during every transfer, transformed into the cold, tough Sayesha who did have friends, but they were shallow relationships that would not matter anymore when she left them.

Sayesha had figured out how to survive without getting hurt.

She was strong. She was tough. She was independent.

She was happy. But was she?

Deep inside, she knew. That this Sayesha was not the real Sayesha. And as Keshav remarked on one of my earlier posts, "It helps being emotionally unattached, but is it always possible??" Can you really detach yourself to that point? No, you can't. And I learnt that the most important thing is -- you don't have to.

So, I decided to come back.

This is me, the real Sayesha. The one who appreciates the simple joys of life. The one who lives every moment. The one who appreciates emotions. The one who is not going to stop loving people for fear of getting hurt. And that is how she has chosen to live her life. That's the only way to live.

Finally, Sayesha has figured out how to get hurt and survive.