Vote of no confidence

It's about 10 pm. A dozen cars are parked around a treehouse. Dark sillhouettes are slowly making their way up the ladder, each holding a memo. It is too dark to see the memo but here's what it says:

"You have seen voted as one of the blokes who our bewdas think should retire from showbiz. If you have anything to say in your defence, make your way to SSSK's treehouse tonight at 10 pm."

Soon everyone is comfortably seated in the living room of the treehouse. Who do we have now? Govinda, Tusshar Kapoor, Fardeen Khan, Suneil Shetty, Uday Chopra, Rani Mukherji, Himesh Reshammiya, Priyanka Chopra, Dev Anand and Deepika Padukone. SSSK counts the number of people on an attendance list. Some of the people she had sent the memo to are not there -- Vidya Balan, Amisha Patel, Abhishek Bachchan, Aamir Khan, Chunkey Pandey, Aishwarya Rai, etc.

SSSK (murmurs) - Well, the memo did say, "If you have anything to say in your defence, make your way to SSSK's treehouse..."

SSSK serves her guests pani puri ka pani on the rocks. Outside, on one of the branches, the same owl as last time goes 'Oooooooooo'. Everyone turns to look at Himesh. Just like the last time.

Himesh (irritated) - Offo! Again?! It's not me! Damn that owl. SSSK, please stop having these meetings at 10 pm.

Govinda - Kyun, Himesh Bhaiya? Scared of competition kya? (points to the owl)

Himesh - The ullu is not my competition! In fact, I have no competition. Let me tell you that now toh I am even more unique than I was before. I just got throat surgery done so I could have another voice in addition to my original voice. Beat that!

Govinda (grinning) - So let me get this straight. In addition to ullus, now you will be competition to gadhas also?

Himesh glares at Govinda.

Suddenly the door opens and Salman Khan enters the room with Katrina on his arm.

Tusshar (too excited) - Arre, look everyone, Katrina is here! Katrina ko bhi vota mila kya?

Deepika (whispers to Priyanka) - Whenever Salman feels insecure, he gets Katrina along, eh?

Priyanka (whispers back) - Umm... I don't talk to you.

Tusshar (still excited) - Hi Katrina! You got voted too? Me too!

Katrina (unlocks her arm from Salman's to look at her fingernails) - Please. I'm here to give Salman company. I didn't "get voted". *makes air quotes* In fact, I just got the Rajiv Gandhi award for Best Actress.

Govinda - Kar lo baat. Rajiv Gandhi award. Haha! Arre that's only because Rajiv Gandhi had a thing for phoren women who live in India and speak bad Hindi.

Katrina - What nonsense! Mera Hindi bohot aachi hai, okhay?

Dev Anand - Best actress... yeh din aa gaye hain... Looks like Bollywood has gone to the dogs...

Salman - Actually it has gone to the Kats... heh heh!

Katrina glares at Salman.

Suniel - So SSSK, what's happening? How do we proceed to decide who should retire?

SSSK - I was thinking... let's send home the people with the fewest votes. The rest of you can then fight it out.

There is a general murmur of agreement.

SSSK starts counting the votes.

SSSK - Uday Chopra - 1 vote.

Uday gets up and leaves.

Priyanka (seething) - That Chopra gets to go home before me?!

SSSK - Deepika Padukone 1 vote.

Deepika gets up and leaves.

Priyanka - WHAT?! Even her?!

SSSK - Rani Mukherji and Priyanka Chopra - 2 votes each.

Priyanka - Okay something is wrong. Rani is so over, and we get the same number of votes?

Rani - Rani is so over?! Excuse me?! Wait till you watch Dil Bole Hadippa!

Priyanka - Yeah yeah I have seen the trailers. Aaawaz toh mardon ki hai hi... ab role bhi mardon wala... good, my competition is dying off...

Both leave in a huff.

SSSK - Suneil Shetty and Govinda - 2 votes each.

Suniel Shetty - Eh? People voted for me? That means they still remember me! YEAY!

Fardeen - Same pinch, Suniel!

Suniel pumps his fist in the air, does some body-builder poses, and leaves the room.

Himesh - Govinda is safe too? Govinda bhaiya, ab toh aapki beti Narmada heroine banne wali hai, ab toh retire ho jao.

Govinda - Abhi nahin. You have seen what happens to star kids... no offence, Tusshar and Fardeen! I will take the Anil Kapoor route... you can't trust the kids to be successful these days... it's better to keep your career up because they will let you down anyway.

Himesh - Lekin sharam karo yaar... kab tak yellow pants mein dance karoge?

Govinda - Look who's talking about yellow. If I could show everyone the URL I have in mind, well, I would!

Himesh - Shut up!

Govinda - You shut up!

Everyone looks at Govinda expectantly.

Govinda - Oh, I have to leave now?

Everyone nods. Govinda gets up.

Himesh - Govinda Bhaiya, wait for me. I'll be out soon. You want to share a cab?

Govinda (showing a 'Govinda' grin) - Kya Himesbhai, dil ki baat bol di!

They sit down again, while everyone looks at them and then at one another in surprise and confusion.

SSSK - Dev Anand, Himesh, Salman, Amitabh, Fardeen - 3 votes each.

Dev Anand - Meri toh yeh samajh mein nahin aata... what makes people think I haven't retired? When did they last see me? Where did they last see me?

Dev Anand shakes his head and leaves. Himesh and Govinda leave too.

SSSK - Amitabh Bachchan couldn't make it, he sent a note saying he's too old to attend these retirement discussions. Let the youngsters have fun, he said.

Fardeen - Bloody sarcastic buddha...

Salman - I can't believe I got 3 votes!

Katrina (to Salman) - See? I told you so. Mene kaaha thi tumse? Retire ho jao. Mein hoon na? Mein bohot successful hoon na?

SSSK - Huh? What's she saying?

Salman (annoyed) - Don't ask. Aadha time yeh kya bolti hai meri samajh mein bhi nahin aata...

Salman and Katrina leave.

SSSK - Fardeen, you can leave. You're safe. Tusshar has 5 votes.

Fardeen - Naah, I'll stay for a bit and watch the fun. So Tusshar, huh? Sorry buddy, but I think you definitely should retire.

Tusshar - Retire my foot! My sister is all over television. If I want, I can also do that.

SSSK - Errr... how?

Tusshar - Arre one phonecall and Didi will kill off all the male characters and replace them with me. (getting carried away) I will play everyone! Muahahahaha! EVERYONE! Back me up, Fardeen! If you do, I'll ask Didi to have you play all the Ramu Kakas!

Fardeen - Umm... I don't know man... You see, I don't really look like a Ramu Kaka... you do though!

Tusshar - Sheesh. You're useless, man!

Fardeen - Hey, no kidding! All my directors say that too!

Tusshar - ALL? Ha! You mean like... erm... both?

Fardeen (thinks hard to find a way to insult Tusshar back) - So tell us Tusshar, did you change your name because your sister can't spell for nuts, or did you change it because the first four letters of your original name spelt true to what you are - an ASS? *guffaws*

Tusshar (defensive) - Oh please. Didi ko beech mein mat lao. It's numerology!

SSSK (suddenly starts singing) - Numerology mein pass.... baaki sab mein fail!

Tusshar glares at SSSK, who stops singing.

Fardeen (gleefully) - So Tusshar it is?

SSSK - Actually... not if I count only one vote per bewda. The winner of this poll is...

Fardeen and Tusshar - *GASP* WHO?

SSSK - He sends his apologies, but he says he couldn't make it because he was detained in Newark Airport for 2 hours...

Fardeen - *GASP* Shah Rukh Khan!

Tusshar - But wait a minute, this is old news from a few days ago! He's already back!

Fardeen - Hmm... My guess is that he's going to be mentioning this whenever he can until 'My name is Khan' releases...