Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Ya Ali!

It's a dark night. A van glides in silently and stops in front of a house. On the side of the van are the letters 'BB'. Five silhouettes silently come out of the van and head for the house. The silhouettes are surprisingly short. After 15 minutes, they come out carrying a person-shaped brown sack, which they deposit at the back of the van and silently drive off.

The van stops in front of a treehouse. A basket is lowered and the sack loaded. The basket is raised slowly. The army of five gets back in the van. The driver takes out a cellphone and types a message, "Kaam ho gaya." The reply comes within two seconds, "Well done, baby Aish. The Baby Brigade has done me proud." The van drives off and drops off the silhouettes one by one into the arms of horrified mothers.

Meanwhile, the person inside the sack gains consciousness (after all, how long can a hit from five milk bottles keep you knocked out?) and pulls himself out of the sack. As soon as he stands up, he realises someone has fallen flat at his feet. It's SSSK and she is holding a pooja ki thali and a ghanti. She does an elaborate aarti and puts a big teeka on his very surprised forehead.

SSSK (starstruck) - Oh my goodness. It's Imtiaz Ali in my treehouse. Wow. I worship you.

Imtiaz Ali - Err... I can see that. Who on earth are you and where on earth am I??

SSSK - You're actually not on earth. You're in my treehouse. Hello, I am Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten. I worship you.

Imtiaz (getting irritated) - Who brought me here? And why?!

SSSK - First of all, Imtiaz, I must tell you that I am being forced to do this. I have no part to play in all this. Except the worshipping you part.

Imtiaz - Okay, this is getting very frustrating. Who kidnapped me?

SSSK - It was the Baby Brigade. Bhai's interns. They may be little but they sure are trained gundas and gundis I tell you.

Imtiaz - Bhai? Oh wait.. Is it the same Bhai who sent me a year's supply of orange juice when Socha Na Tha released?

SSSK - Yes, yes, that's the one! She's a big fan of yours, especially of that movie. I write for the newspaper that's distributed in the bar she runs. It's called Akh-bar.

Imtiaz - So the Bhai is a she?!

SSSK - Yeah. Erm, don't ask.

Imtiaz - So why did the Bhai kidnap me?

SSSK (solemnly) - Bhai watched Love Aaj Kal...

Imtiaz - Hmm... And I'm guessing she didn't like it?

SSSK - *gulp* Well... I thought it was okay... but for some reason she was hopping mad at you...

Imtiaz - So? Why am I here?

SSSK (takes out a long sheet of paper) - Bhai has some questions for you.

Imtiaz - Why can't your Bhai ask them herself?

SSSK - Bhai says she can't even look at you right now. She's very disappointed.

Imtiaz - Okay, ask away. I'll answer them and go back.

SSSK - Let's go into the living room.

Both enter the living room where the Kapoors are seated on the sofa - Rishi, Neetu and Kareena. Kareena is dressed in her train outfit from Jab We Met and looking at Imtiaz with a mixed expression of anger and disappointment.

Imtiaz - Holy shit, you kidnapped the Kapoor clan too?

SSSK - Imtiaz, please. It wasn't me. I am doing all of this under pressure. Please. I worship you.

Imtiaz (impatiently) - Okay, let's get this over and done with. So what's the first question?

SSSK takes the list out and starts reading.

SSSK - Bhai's first question. Imtiaz, what on earth were you thinking?

Imtiaz - Huh?

SSSK - Pass then? Phew. That was easy. Okay, great. Next question. Why Deepika?

Kareena (gets very emotional) - I second that question! Why Deepika?? Why why why?? Why not me, Imtiaz??

Imtiaz - Dekho Kareena, I told you before too. Deepika was more suitable for the part.

Kareena - But how??

SSSK - Yes yes, that is the next question. Why not Kareena? You know, Bhai used to hate Kareena before she watched Jab We Met?

Kareena (mutters) - Erm, I think pretty much everyone used to hate me before Jab We Met... and now everyone is back to hating me...

Imtiaz - Well, you can't blame them if you do movies like Kambakkht Ishq...

Kareena (bursts into tears) - Well, you didn't offer me Love Aaj Kal, that's why I did Kambakkht Ishq!

SSSK - Yes, you should have offered it to Kareena. We wouldn't have to go through all of this then. And I would have met THE Imtiaz Ali under better circumstances... yeah, Deepika was a bad choice.

Imtiaz - Well, the movie is a hit. Goes on to show I made the right choice.

SSSK - Bhai says your movie is not an objective hit. It is a hit because it released after Kambakkht Ishq. After watching that movie, anything that came along...

Kareena (annoyed) - Thanks a lot, SSSK.

Imtiaz - This is ridiculous. Why am I on a treehouse in the middle of the night answering inane questions?

SSSK - Speaking of questions, here's the next one. What was with the 'pile-on' and 'aapka angle' and all? Aapko Hindi se koi problem hai?

Imtiaz - Well, that's how the new generation talks! I had that in Jab We Met too. Your Bhai didn't have any complaints then!

SSSK - But it was subtly done. Okay this is what Bhai says... (reads from list) "Ek sentence mein itne saare English words use karne se overkill ho jata hai, don't you think?"

Imtiaz (mutters to himself) - Oh the irony... (sarcastically) did your Bhai read that sentence of hers before handing you the list?

SSSK (really scared) - Imtiaz, please don't get angry with me. This is between Bhai and you. I'm just acting her orders out... my job is at stake you see...

Imtiaz - Sigh. Okay fine. Next question.

SSSK - Okay, next question. Bhai said the Golden-Gate scenes reminded her of Dil Chahta Hai and the eloping scene of DDLJ. What was that about?

Imtiaz (really worked up) - What?! Are you accusing me of plagiarism? Oh please. Aamir had way less facial hair than Saif in those scenes. Shah Rukh told Kajol's mother he didn't want to run away with her, while Saif actually ran away with Giselle. Where is the plagiarism??

SSSK (looks at the list) - Speaking of Giselle Monteiro, there is actually a question about her too. Why did you cast a Brazilian model as Harleen? India ki saari Punjabi kudiyan mar gayi thi kya??? (looks shocked and stops reading) Pardon the language, Imtiaz. It's not me, this is how Bhai phrased her question!

Imtiaz - Well, before everyone found out she was Brazilian, no one suspected she wasn't Punjabi. What's with the hullabaloo now??

SSSK - Her dancing was terrible...

Kareena (desperately) - Imtiaz, mujhe Harleen ka role hi de dete yaar... I can dance!

Imtiaz - Kareena, I have told you several times, you were not suitable for this movie.

Kareena (really desperately) - Okay how about Jo? Do you think I could have played that?

Imtiaz (buries his head in his hands and mutters) - This is insane...

Kareena - Okay okay, how about Harleen senior? I could have played that, no? I'm sure chachi wouldn't have minded. Isn't it, chachi?

Neetu - Haha! Are you kidding me? I was the only woman in the movie who could act!

Kareena - But I can act too!

Neetu - Yes beta, but only when Imtiaz directs you...

Kareena - Wohi toh! But he doesn't want to cast me anymore! Imtiaz, dekho main pile-on nahin hona chahti, lekin... mere career ko bacha lo yaar...

Imtiaz - Okay that's it! Stop it! Bahut ho gaya! I will not tolerate this for another second. Rishi, would you explain to this crazy girl?

Rishi - Oh, I'm not saying anything. I'm just their driver for the night. Tumne hi kaha tha Jab We Met mein, ki akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai.

Imtiaz (trying to control his anger) - SSSK, enough is enough. I'd like to go home now.

SSSK (holds out a document) - Okay sure, if you could just sign here... and initial here... you will be escorted home immediately.

Imtiaz (takes the document) - What on earth is this?!

SSSK (torn between loyalty and fear) - Uhh... It's just an agreement Bhai did up... to say that you will... uhh... make a sequel to Jab We Met.

Imtiaz - WHAT?! This is insane! It's like this Bhai person can't get over Jab We Met! An agreement?! Would you believe this?? (looks around in disbelief)

Kareena (grins at Imtiaz) - Aap convince ho gaye ki main aur bolun?


Jass said...

//Aap convince ho gaye ki main aur bolun?

LOL! Awesome bhai err SSSK!


Revs said...

Pehli baat zindagi mein mujhe koi medal mila hai *khushi ke aansu*

Gold bhi mil jaata agar uppar waale praaji ne kameenapan nahi kiya hota toh!! :P

Loved the post!! and *gulp*
LAK sucks?? I was gonna watch it this sunday!! Sighhh!!
Ab SSSK ne hi bol diya to I better watch Harry Potter!! :P

Anonymous said...

Imtiaz Ali's dialogues are the stremgth of his movies... Kareena was too good in Jab We Met.
Remember the scene in which all the people in railway station come after her and she says "Phut Ja yahan se nahi tho chaped maaroongi". The man says "Bomb hain kya hum jo phut jayenge". LOL!

Silver... after soo long!

naween said...

:D :D :D :D

even though i liked the movie, i agree with two of your points:

(i)why deepika, of all people? and
(ii)why that brazilian as harleen?

:D :D

Neha said...

haha!! has has ke ankh me pani a gaya :D Ab soch rahi hun LAK dekh hi lun weekend ko :D
the image of tiny taporis hitting Imtiaz with milk bottles is hilarious!

Chaos said...

ha ha ha ha.......bhai aapne to baby aish ko bilkul apne nakshe kadam pe hi chala diya :-s.....wonder chote bhai ke parents kya kahenge..... ???
and i swear LAK was such a pathetic movie.....che...totally random :((

As I write said...

Hilarious post sayesha !!I couldn't stop giggling while reading it even at my work. I really really commend your creativity and sense of humour. Are you by any chance in the writing/editing profession?

Meira said...

One word: Splendid!

Porkodi (பொற்கொடி) said...

ah within 10! what is this? rubber? bamboo? whatever that medal! :D

Porkodi (பொற்கொடி) said...

I was waiting what you, the Imtiaz bakthai, would write for this movie! (I havent watched it yet, heard it isnt as good) This is, as always, ultra hilarious!

Porkodi (பொற்கொடி) said...

And same pinch, I really wish Jab we met never had an end..! :D

Porkodi (பொற்கொடி) said...

ok one last qn.. why is this post labelled "Tiny Tapori" though?! Did Aish give you the script? ;) said...

Haye haye, na mainu 'love Aajkal' dekhi na hi 'Kambakkht Ishq' :(
SSSK na ho to mainu pata hi na pade ki Bollywood me ho kya raha hai!!

here i 'm said...

Lolz... Bhai you just spoke my heart out :P
I haven't watch LAK yet...but was planning to watch it today online...coz after reading the reviews i've given up on making any effort of going to a mall or spending 200 bucks on it :P
(* starts a desperate search for LAK online *)

santasizing...Fantasizing said...

sahi bola bhai..
itte din guilt mein jee rahi thi ye soch ke ki how come i didnt like LAK when everyone else did..
and glad to know that u r in the same club...
ab main khullam khulla keh sakti hoon...
chee chee LAK

Thousif Raza said...

great as usual, SSSK just makes my day, awesome yaar, he he just cant stop laughing

take care and keep writing.......

Anonymous said...

wohaa, name me too as one of the worshippers of Imtiaz;)) n he is the biggest reason i would watch this movie(**kill me for i havnt watched it yet**)
was deepika that bad, kya???

n yes jab we met was great!! get him sign the contract for making its sequel:D

humblog said...

Cheesy doesn't do it for me anymore...not anymore.
its official i am old now.

i used to melt when suman said "dosti ki ek vasool hai no sorry no thank you" and even until rahul said "dil to pagal hai manta hi nahin". but jai saying "tum hamesha sahi bolti ho jaaneman" makes me wanna barf.

since when did premarital sex become so common that it slides under the radar? another sign that I am old (generation).

Or in words of Seema "bade old fashioned ho prem."

humblog said...

btw, i loved the brazilian.

she looked very much a punjabi. with a little bit of me working with her she could become a bollywood star.

Swathy said...

"what!!she s a brazilian??"

Swathy said...

sahi bola bhai..
pujabi kudi sare mar gaye lya jo brazilian utha laye bolywood me?

Tejal said...

Ok sometimes, what I think and what you write are SO similar, it freaks me out.

Sayesha said...

Thank you! :D

//agar uppar waale praaji ne kameenapan nahi kiya hota toh!! :P

Hahahaha! Praaji nahin Daarji kaho! Hahahaha! :P

LAK is one-time watchable, but I'm buying the DVD. :(

Yeah! The dialogues in Jab We Met were too good! Remember the guy in Hotel Decent? Hahahahahaha! :D


Thank you! :)

Heheheh... meri sister ko pata bhi nahin hai uski baby kahan internship kar rahi hai! :P

#Dil se,
Thanks! :) Yeah, I used to an editor for children's books. :)

Thanks! :)

LOL @ rubber and bamboo! We're running out of materials eh? :D

//why is this post labelled "Tiny Tapori" though?!

Erm.. because she kidnapped Imtiaz? :)

Hahahahaha! Don't worry, jab tak rahega samose mein aaloo... oh wait I meant jab rahegi SSSK ki naukri, tab tak Bollywood ki khabrein bewdon tak pahunchti rahengi. :)
PS: Your kid is too cute!!

#here i'm,
Oh no meri wajah se piracy?? :O

#santa fanta,
//ab main khullam khulla keh sakti hoon...chee chee LAK

LOL!!!!!!! :D

Thank you! :)

#wishes galore,
Man I miss Jab We Met... gotta watch it again to undo the effects of LAK...

//i used to melt when suman said "dosti ki ek vasool hai no sorry no thank you" and even until rahul said "dil to pagal hai manta hi nahin". but jai saying "tum hamesha sahi bolti ho jaaneman" makes me wanna barf.

OH MY GOODNESS! Long-distance same-pinch to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hum dono old ho gaye hain. :(

Yeah! Looked totally punjaban no? She had me fooled till she started dancing... that's when I felt something was fishy... no punjaban worth her lassi would dance like that! :P

Great minds think alike. :D
Or fools seldom differ? :O

Stupidosaur said...

I think SSSK is only human, her Tarzan-Tree antics not withstanding. Wait I take it back, Tarzan is also human huh?
But I was saying 'human' not because of Tarzaliness. Just like other humans, she can't give her best under threat or pressure. This episode is not as funny as the other SSSK epsodes. And wherever its funny, its because of baby Aish's gang and their milk bottles.

Ask Bhai to go get a Rakhi, and leave SSSK alone :P

Since Rakhi Sawant is already taken and Bhai doesn't have 'other tendencies', getting that Rakhi is out of question. But then again Bhai is a Behen, not a bhai, so the other rakhi is also not applicable. I'll change it.

Ask Bhai to go tie a rakhi and leave SSSK alone :P

Or maybe its time for SSSK retire and let the apprentice gang take over ;)

//"dosti ki ek vasool hai no sorry no thank you"

Sheesh! Either this is really Bhai ka adda, or the Bewdas are really drunk!

"Usool" became "Vasool"!

Or am I drunk and missed something?

Bye. Gotta Go. I hafta do some hafta-vasooli now for the ongoing hafta-end (weekend)!

Stupidosaur said...

BTW Deepika babe hai. Kuchh nahin bolneka usko!

(Irrespective of the fact that I haven'y watched the movie in question, and am perhaps not going to watch it either ;)

I also didn't watch Jab We Met either.)

satish said...

bhai. dekha maine pyar today-tomorrow.

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