Sunday, December 25, 2005

Of waves and rubber bands

Once upon a time, there were four blog friends. Two guys and two girls who had never met each other before. Let's call them Hyde, Kelso, Jackie and Donna.

They met at this bar called Sayeshaz and soon became the best of friends.

Two continents. Three countries. Four time zones. And yet, nothing could come between them. Their friendship grew with each passing day. No day would pass when the four of them were not in touch. When it was day for Jackie and Hyde, it was night for Kelso and Donna. And vice versa. On any given day, Jackie would be up first shooting impatient emails, followed by Hyde, Donna, and finally the lazybum Kelso would get up.

Things were going great.

Till the day Donna got mad at Kelso over something he said. Although in Donna's head, it was a big big fight, the most amazing thing is that Kelso had no idea that she was mad at him. Jackie and Hyde knew and asked Donna to talk things out with Kelso, but Donna wanted to cool off before she confronted Kelso.

Once she had cooled off, Donna realised that there was nothing to confront Kelso about.

Because it was all a case of Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

And I, Sayesha, the silent observer of Donna's virtual big fight with Kelso, decided to write a post on this.

=================================================

I call myself a girly-tomboy. That's the best word to describe me really. On days, I can be so girly that I freak myself out, and on others, I am so tomboy that well, I freak myself out.

When I found myself buying the book 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' because I was getting a huge staff discount at my company bookstore, I was girly like never before.

Two main reasons:

1. I was buying a book on girl-guy relationships. Geez.
2. I was buying something I did not need. Just because I was getting a discount. Double geez.

I refused to take the book on my commute to work, or other such long journeys. I wouldn't be caught dead reading it in the bus or the train.

I did not want to gift it to anyone because I believe it's an insult to give someone a book like that. So it lay there for months and months and months, till I came across a quote by the author John Gray on the net somewhere, where he said "Women are like waves. Men are like rubber bands." It sounded interesting. I dug the book out, dusted it and flipped through. And sure enough, there were two chapters on these two topics.

And though I am not a supporter of generalisations, I am amazed at the wave and the rubber band theories.

Women are like waves
The gist of the theory is that a woman's self-esteem rises and falls periodically. Just like a wave. When she hits bottom, it is time for emotional housecleaning. If she had suppressed any negative feelings during the upswing, during the downswing she needs to vent it out. She needs to talk and be understood. And when she's on her upswing, it may seem like whatever was bothering her has been solved, but that's not the case. It may resurface again.

Men are like rubber bands
The male intimacy cycle involves getting close, pulling away and then getting close again. Just like a rubber band. Men have this instinct to pull away before they can get closer. A woman pulls away when she feels misunderstood or hurt. A man pulls away to fulfil his need for independence or autonomy. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship wherever he had left it, to the bewilderment of the woman who is still wondering why he pulled away in the first place and if she had done anything to make him pull away.

So I concluded that
the worst misunderstandings occur when the two things happen simultaneously. The guy has pulled away, and the girl is on the downswing.

And that's probably what happened with Donna and Kelso.

Donna was hurt. And all she wanted to do was talk to her friends about it. She did not want a solution to her problem, she just wanted to vent her frustration. But Kelso made a general statement about women based on what she had said, and that infuriated her. It was a classic case of invalidating a woman's feelings -- probably the biggest sin a guy can commit with a girl's feelings.

So here's a bit of gyaan on it for clueless guys.

When girls express themselves in front of guys, they don't want to hear things like "Goodness! All you girls blah blah..." or
"You shouldn't feel like that..." They're already feeling like that dammit! By saying this, the guy is not helping. On the contrary, he's implying that the girl's feelings are trivial.

Also, when a girl expresses her feelings about a problem, she is not necessarily looking for a solution from him. That's where he goes wrong. Just because he sees a damsel in distress does not mean he has to immediately pull on his shining armour! There is no dragon here that he can fight. And that confuses him. Because guys are simple-minded. They are trained
only to fight dragons and not girly tears. And in their confusion of not being able to find a solution to the problem, they end up making insensitive remarks that hurt the girls.

Such misunderstandings work both ways. Often, girls don't understand what and why guys say what they do.
And the worst is when neither understands the other, and storms off. There are so many such situations where there are two ways one can take -- one that's the right one, and the other that is totally off-track. How do you know which one to take?

So what's the solution really?

From what I believe, there is only one basic thing to remember. That guys and girls are essentially different from each other, and that there is no point even wondering why a girl can't think like a guy all the time, or vice versa. They are different, they process information differently, they feel and react differently. That's that. If only we could remember this basic theory and apply it like a universal law, I believe we will have fewer problems with the opposite sex.

Ironically, the biggest lesson from the book is one for which you don't even have to open it. It's right there on the cover.



39 comments:

pandora said...

yipeee...me first!! now lemme read:D

pandora said...

hmm...so m i leading the bheer here :P

anyways

excellent post. brilliant topic and very true thoughts.

ok..another incident. so jus read this and find out how misunderstandings developed between the two species of homo sapeins. not sure if it justifies ur's.

http://nehasinha.blogspot.com/2005/11/guyspeak-and-girl-talk.html
(frm apurwa's to the last czar)

pandora said...

i mean read the comments

Sayesha said...

#Pandora,
Baap re Neha, gold, silver, bronze teeno le gayi tu?! :P

I read your post (good observations, girl!) but 52 comments??!! Whoa, could not read all. But I do agree that the guys-vs-girls topic is timeless, ageless, endless, senseless...

:D

Ashish Gupta said...

just saw someone reading that book a day back.
ITS STUPID to talk like that.... when we are carving for equality, thinking something like this seems like separating both sexes and saying these are venusians and martians and cannot be equal ever... they are just hanging out on earth :-s

Sayesha said...

#Ashish,
You have the right to have your own views, just as I have the right to have mine. And I think it's rather immature to call someone's views stupid (that too, in capital letters!) just because you don't agree with them. :)

It is my view that guys and girls can be equal in many other aspects, but in terms of thoughts, emotions and behaviour, they can never be equal. It's an inherent thing.

And once again, these are my views. I am not imposing any of them on you :)

virdi said...

Virdi: hmmm, Sayesha... do I know these guys??
Sayesha: Yes you do. You dumb idiot.
Virdi: OK!!

V..

!xobile said...

abe! good theories yaar!
I can totally relate!
hahahahahah

(aise hee general laugh tha!)

Rohit Talwar said...

good post!!

i also have this book, never read it though. let me look for these chapters now.. :D

jade said...

good post!
but its just too difficult to think ratioanlly and remember that men and women don't think, feel and react in the same manner, when u r angry and hurt. and its these differences that attract them to each other in the first place:)

anyway, these things are inevitable, but all u can do is ensure that they dont get out of hands and turn into bad relationships

Bhole said...

Good Post Jackie :)

So howz cheerleading? :)

Rays Of Sun said...

yeayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....I GOTTO read this posttttttttttttt

Rays Of Sun said...

Babes, so so indentify with your theory! Too good:)
#Bhole!

Sash said "Jackie shot off an impatient email"..
Hmm so you think Sayesha is Jacke=impatient?Muhahahahaha

!xobile said...

@ROS AND SAYESHA
yaar!! jackie jackie kyu bolte rehto ho!!!

Read this please

viks said...

Hi,
I am a casual surfer, found your blog searching for something on google, and couldn't stop myself reading many of your article, if so I may say. But sayesha, you really are a great person and i feel that you are one of the few very lucky ones on this planet. keep on enjoying your life as you are doing now. Best of luck for your future.

Rays Of Sun said...

Hai! Sayesha,ek aur Viks??:O

Rays Of Sun said...

Aaiyo! Z kid!
Yeh kya ke raha hai??
Jackie shroff nahiiiiiiiiii....:)))

Sayesha said...

#Virdi,
HAHAHAHA! Yeah, you know them too well man... especially the one who never gets up in the morning! :D

#Exaggeratorr,
Thanks yaar! Hahahahha (aise hi general thanks wala laughter) ;)

#Rohit,
Yeah, do read them. It's a revelation! :)

#Jade,
I totally agree. When we're angry and hurt, all theories go outta the window. But at least we can try :)

#Bhole,
Thanks! :)
ps: Oye! I'm not Jackie! Jackie is someone you know very well! ;)

#ROS,
Thanks!
ps: Hahaha! Everyone thinks I am Jackie! Hahaha! :D

#Ze,
Oye Shroff nahin re! Shroff nahin! Tu is wali Jackie ka insult mat kar yaar, bahut impatient ladki hai! Naaraaz ho gayi toh tero khair nahin! :)

#Viks,
Wow. I dunno what to say! :P
Errr.. thanks? :) See ya around! :)

#ROS,
Yeah man! Lagta hai we have to start using one of your nicknames for Viks original! :D

#ROS,
Bache ko already daant diya re! :P

The Girl Who Sold The World said...

Whoa! Kinda serious, innit? I had thought that it would be another of those funny "haahaa" kinds post. ;) Never mind...this was pretty interesting as well. A revelation...maybe...
I do agree with what you've written. There are certain basic differences between guys and girls and.......OPPOSITES ATTRACT! :D

MeAwinner said...

I read this book too..Good one from sayesha is
*Ironically, the biggest lesson from the book is one for which you don't even have to open it. It's right there on the cover.

Cheers

Vikram said...

There's only one meaningful solution to this problem. Girls have to just nod in agreement to what guys say. It would then be such a beautiful world. But ideal cases can never become true...hmmm..kyon theek bola na?..;)

Sayesha said...

#Mockingbird,
//I had thought that it would be another of those funny "haahaa" kinds post.

My blog is like life. It's not always "hahaha"! :)

//There are certain basic differences between guys and girls and.......OPPOSITES ATTRACT!

True. One can't live without the other. Even tho they may not like to admit it all the time! :)

#MeAWinner,
Thanks! :)

#Vikram,
//There's only one meaningful solution to this problem. Girls have to just nod in agreement to what guys say.

Hahahaha! Or the other way round (which is what happens most of the times anyway!) ;)

virdi said...

baache ko already dant diya??? kaun baacha?? kaisa baacha?? kiska baacha??

V..

ritzkini said...

I want to meet Fez !! I want to be Fez !!!

raven said...

arre kya kya likhti hai... mere sir ke upar se chala gaya sab!!

y dont u write on a more relevant topic like 'guys n dogs' or 'everyday uses of nuclear fusion' or 'valuation of cross country private equity investments'... arent they more comprehensible than the relationship between guys n gals :(

Rays Of Sun said...

Hahahhaha
Vikkya:D

So Jackie, how you doing?? Jackie is happy to confer the title to you, sexy Jackie:D

Sayesha said...

#Virdi,
Hahahahahaha! Dekha dekha? Ek din kisi aur ko bacha bol diya toh kaisa jealous ho gaya tu??!! Aise toh roz bolta rehta hai "I'm not a kid, I'm not a kid! Hmmmpph!" Hahahaha! :D

#Ritzkini,
Well, since I'm Donna, there's no way you can be Eric. That only leaves Fez. Waise bhi, you're very Fez like, foreign kid who speaks a foreign language (C++). So I hereby confer the title of Fez on you. Welcome to that 90s show! ;)

#Raven,
Guys n dogs? Typo ho gaya kya? You mean guys r dogs? Hahaha! :D

Topics like 'valuation of cross country private equity investments' are too simple yaar! ;) Koi challenge hi nahin... that's why I pick abstract topic to blog about! :)

#ROS,
Oye Jackie ki bachi! I don't want your title. Donna's happy being Donna, thanks very much! (You should be happy, Jackie's the hotter one!) ;)

Raj said...

Too serious for my taste. Still a great post.

There's one thing i never understand tho.
Why do we need to do this "men and women are different" routine everytime there's a misunderstanding between them. It happens between two men and two women too, right?

I think the reason is not the difference between men and women but that all people are different.

Jayan said...

I think it is one of the most practical and useful books ever written.

I feel that it is a 20-page concept blown out into a 150-200 page book though!!

Jayan said...

BTW, just noticed that you use your Java/Perl skills for commenting :)

Sayesha said...

#Raj,
Hehehe... bahut dinon se serious post nahin likha tha yaar! :P

You're right when you say that essentially all people are different. But there are certain characteristics which are common for all girls, and some that are common for all guys. And that is because they're inherently dfferent in their ways of thinking and processing info. A girl may still get what another girl is trying to say, but a guy may not. Similarly, a guy will understand why a guy said what he did, but a girl may just storm off! :)

#Jayan,
Actually I agree. In fact, all I absorbed from the book is all there on the cover! :)

// just noticed that you use your Java/Perl skills for commenting

Haha! This is what people like me do to fool the unsuspecting junta to think that we're so skilled at Java/Perl.

Arre double slash mein kaahe ka skill?! :P

pandora said...

//Baap re Neha, gold, silver, bronze teeno le gayi tu?! :P

:O..arey wah..yeh toh maine socha hi nahi...main to champion nikli :P

nahi nahi...maine kaha tha read frm "apurwa's to czar" 52 nahi.

popcorns lekar aana...mazedaar ladai hai...milkar dekhenge :P

Sayesha said...

#Pandora,
Cool, will check out the ladai! :D

Harshi said...

Gosh, I missed commenting before your next post! :-) Sash. everytime I open your page, I am almost always guaranteed a new blog, and more. Whow :-)

What an interesting topic! I loved reading it, and it rang so true. Downswing in girls, along with pulling away from guys. OMG. :-) Bad.

It helps to be reminded again and again about some of these differences. That itself, helps, during tense times. That's right.
If both are sensitive to each others needs and communicate clearly, getting right down to the point, talk calmly, listen well, nod a lot, kitna achcha ho :-).
And this could be cultivated I feel. Perhaps an idealistic thought, but I feel that with two sweet, caring, sensitive, respectful, mature and interested individuals, life can be almost conflict free and blissful.

Angelsera said...

as it is whole of yday i was hunning the song fm 'HumTum' (Ladki kyun,najane kyun Ladkon si nahi hoti)
n I come here to read this post .. :)

chitra said...

Bingo !! You got the last line 'eggshatly' right :) !!

Sayesha said...

#Angelsera,
//Ladki kyun,najane kyun Ladkon si nahi hoti

Oh man!! I should have used that as my post title! Damn! :D

#Chitra,
Hehe.. thanks! :D

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