I call the shots

I have a keloid on my arm.

It's a raised scar formed as an after effect of the BCG vaccine administered with neglect to a 5-year-old Sayesha by a rather incompetent nurse. And the after effects of this after effect continue to haunt me 20 years later.

The scar is like a small village uprising. Every once in a while, I have to take six-seven shots on the scar to keep it flat and under control. My doc tells me the shots I take are supposedly one of the most painful shots ever. Some day in the near future, I won't have to take them anymore. That will be a welcome day for me.

The shots hurt like hell, yes. And the scar stays sore for two whole days. Even touching it hurts. Today, after the shots, I met one of my best buddies for dinner and she happened to casually (and unknowingly, may I add) whack me on the spot of the scar.

Owwww owwww owww!

"Thanks a lot, girl. I already got seven jabs from Dr Ong. But thanks for the seven that I got from you just now."

But as she said, each one of the fourteen was profusely apologised for.

It's true. Every time she administers the shots, the doctor apologises to me. She pokes the needle into the scar from one direction, winces and says, "Oh dear, sorry!" and then from another direction and then "Oh dear, sorry! I know it really hurts." and proceeds to create six such diameters in my scar with the needle. I wince and bear the excruciating pain.

And yet, soon I am back at the doc's, ready for the next round.

In university, I would always go to my favourite doctor, the elderly Dr Yeo, for the shots. He was very fond of me, and would instruct his nurses to take good care of me while he prepared the injection. "She's the brave one." He'd say. The nurses would surround me to give me moral support. One of them, the one with very round eyes, would corner me and try to give what she thought was a 'pep talk'.

"You know? There is another girl. From PRC. Same problem as yours. Same shots too. Every two months. And you know? She faints. Every single time. The shots are THAT painful. She actually faints." She would exclaim, and her eyes would become bigger and rounder.

"Gee, thanks a lot." I would mutter between clenched teeth.

"But you're so brave! You have not fainted. Not even once!" She exclaimed proudly. And they would all give me the "congrats, you have not fainted" looks.

And they would surround me and watch me wince as the doctor administered the injection. I have a feeling they had bets on the side to see when I would finally faint. But I wouldn't.

And that amazed me. Because years ago, this girl would have fainted and screamed and thrown a fit, just to escape a shot. Yes, I was absolutely terrified of shots. Every time I had to take one, I would scream the place down. I would cry and plead till everyone else around me cried too. And I knew it was not just a childhood thing. They were one of my deepest fears when I was young.

And I worried that I would carry this fear with me all my life.

But things turned out different. I don't know what exactly happened, but one fine day I woke up and suddenly, I wasn't scared of shots anymore. I wasn't scared of a lot of things anymore.

I started doing things I used to be really scared of.

In the Bio lab, dissection of guinea pigs became easy. I could do it with a straight face, while the guys winced and looked away. In fact, when we were studying blood cells, the Bio teacher would ask, "All right, who wants to go first?" And everyone would step back, and push me to the front. I would calmly prick my finger and the dark red drop would pop out, ready to be smeared on to a glass slide. And the guys would come to me and ask me for donations. "Sayesha, since you have already pricked your finger... hehehe... see, the blood's gonna go to waste otherwise... hehehe... it's just one drop yaar! Please yaar! Friends should help each other yaar!" And I'd be forced to squeeze my finger and donate a drop to each of their slides. (Perhaps that's why I am anaemic today! Those guys better chukao the khoon ka karz man!) And these were the guys who did not have the guts to prick their own fingers but had no qualms about cutting off the tails of dead guinea pigs and pinning them all on one of the wax beds to make it look like one pig had five tails.

Sigh... guys...

But I digress.

The point of the post is this. Today, as I took the shots for the umpteenth time, I realised that even after taking them so many times, they did not hurt any less. In fact, they were still very very painful.

I have not managed to get used to them or get rid of the pain.

But what I have managed to get rid of is the fear. I am not afraid of shots anymore.

The fear of fearing something your entire life is indeed a great one. And we do harbour some fears our entire life.

I am just thankful I got over one of mine.
However small it may be.