The others

There are songs that you hear. There are songs that you listen to. There are songs that you like. There are songs that you love.

And then there are 'the others'.

Songs that are associated with certain persons, certain scenarios, certain times, certain memories. Songs that create moments. Songs that we like in spite of not liking them, just because someone we like, likes them. And every time we come across these songs, everything comes back to us in a rush, bringing back all our thoughts and experiences associated with them.

Here's my list:

Pari hoon main ('I'm a fairy') - Album: Dhuan
I was a little girl when this song became a rage. I remember my sis used to absolutely love it. Once I asked her what I should give her for her birthday, and she said, "I wish I could have this song recorded over and over again on both sides of an audio cassette, so I could listen to it again and again without having to rewind." (Yeah, those were the days, walkmans and audio cassettes, no MP3s, no winamp, no 'play on loop'.)

Pehla pehla pyaar hai ('This is first love') - Album: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun?
When I was in school, a guy in my class used to lean back on his desk during breaktime, and sing this song, ensuring that I could hear it. He would stress a particular line because it contained my nickname. Ah, bittersweet memories of schooltime crushes.

'Sweet child of mine' by Guns n Roses
First year in university. My first visit to a disco. The unpleasant smell of beer and cigarette smoke. I remember this friend of mine, and how happy this song used to make him. Pity we don't talk anymore.

Chhui mui si tum lagti ho ('You're like touch-me-not') - Album: Yeh Hai Prem
Somehow, to me, this was the symbolic song for the purest and most innocent kind of love that could exist between a guy and a girl. I could watch the video about the girl-next-door and the visiting neighbour's brother again and again.

Shaher ki ladki ('City girl') - Album: Rakshak
When I first saw the song, all I wanted to do was wear the fabulous purple dress that Raveena wore and catwalk down a clean and newly-constructed railway track. I think that on some levels, this is something I still want to do some time in my life.

Do baatein ho sakti hain, sanam tere inkaar ki
Ya duniya se tu darti hai, ya kadar nahin mere pyaar ki
('There could be two reasons for your denial. Either you're afraid of the world, or you don't appreciate my love for you')
- Album: Imtihaan
Another schooltime love story. Guy in class wrote this down on a small piece of paper, folded it and asked someone to pass it on to me after school. Heart-breaking stuff.

'I just called to say I love you' by Stevie Wonder
During my internship, I was at work when I got a phone call. And this guy, who I'd never heard singing, and who I never thought could sing, was crooning away. I don't know if I was touched or amused.

'Superstar' by Jamelia
When I was visiting my cousin in London coupla years back, I'd insist that he play this song ALL the time that we drove around. He was sweet enough to oblige every single time. I think it drove him nuts. He probably threw the CD outta the window on his way back from the airport after seeing me off.

Dhoom macha le ('Rock it') - Album: Dhoom
April 2005. Cousin's wedding. For the first time in the history of my family, we got the upper generation to dance with us. Had never seen my Dad and Mom do the bhangra in my life before. Awesome stuff.

Woh lamhe ('Those moments') - Album: Zeher
At the same wedding, a cousin whom I hadn't seen in almost a decade said, "You will love this." and played it as he took me for a drive. I was amazed how he was able to tell what kinda song I would like. After that, we played it ALL the time we were in the car. It became the song that brought cousins from India, UK, US and Singapore together, as every one of us adored the song in spite of our differences in background, culture and taste.

Bheege honth tere ('Your moist lips') - Album: Murder
A trip to Kuala Lumpur. A friend and I obsessed over this song for ages, often playing it on loop like 40 times. What a song. And what utter obsession.

Piyu bole ('The songbird says') - Album: Parineeta
Another song I had been obsessed with. Transmitted it to a local colleague among others. Can never forget the sound of the song coming from her computer in the office, shocking the hell outta everybody.

Graduation by Vitamin C
This guy in uni that I did not know very well, was desperately looking for the MP3 of the song, and he messaged who else, but the queen of MP3s, to ask for it. I sent the song over and he promised me a movie treat. And that's how I met one of the greatest guys I know today.

Dheere jalna ('Burn slowly') - Album: Paheli
When I first spoke to this friend on MSN, this song was playing on my computer. After that, every time I spoke to him, I HAD to play this song. And considering the insane amounts of time we talk for, looks like this song is here to stay.

Bulla ki jana main kaun
Will always remember this song by WH Anil's translation of the lyrics. Funniest thing I'd read in a long long time! Every time I listen to it, I crack up. That is one talented man!

The reason by Hoobastank
Three words. Bar None. Addy.

Tanha dil ('Lonely heart') - Album: Tanha Dil
One of Shaan's first ever songs. Indescribable feelings were evoked in me when I saw the video where they showed him leaving his friends behind and moving on to follow his dreams in life. Kinda like what I felt when I left everything I had in India to move to a foreign land for ten years.

How does your list look like?

The unfair sex

When I went for the orientation programme for my Master's course, and looked around the lecture theatre, I got the shock of my life! Everywhere I looked, a female face looked back at me. There were no freakin' guys in there! And for a moment, I freaked out. I freaked out at the thought of being in an all-girls' class. I freaked out at the thought of three semesters without any guys in the class. Man, I actually freaked out.

For someone who's spent most of her childhood hanging out with the guys, bashing them up, climbing trees, spinning tops, flying kites, and balancing atop the narrow parapet walls, and most of her adult life (so far) gallivanting around Singapore, Cambodia and Malaysia with a buncha guys, this was scary. Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not anti-girl or anything. I am all for the ya-ya sisterhood. But sometimes, I get scared of fully female company (unless I know all of them very well, and I like them, which would make them at least a little bit similar to the kind of girl I am).

Ok, why do I hang out in an all-guys' group, and why do I run in the opposite direction when I see an all-girls' group? Well, here’s the thing. I believe (rather strongly at that) that girls bring out the worst in each other. For one, girls are complex. Face it. They are. They cry. They say one thing when they mean just the opposite. They can't make up their minds. And then they play games with guys, and politics with each other.

On the other hand, guys are relatively simpler to understand. They have no hidden agenda. They don't judge you on every little thing. In fact, for most of the time, they are lost, clueless creatures who don't get why we cry, why we make those incredibly complex hard-to-decipher statements, why they can’t talk to us while looking at the sports channel, why we try to find the 'hidden meaning' in their words (when there isn't any) and why we expect them to be able to read our feelings. Not to even mention how freakin' difficult to understand we are. And if all this is not enough, we have pms. That’s a lot of things they have to deal with!

So frankly speaking, when there are too many girls around me, I actually feel ‘unsafe’. Maybe I am afraid that my hidden girly traits will take over and I will turn into one of "them".

To all guys whom I've confused and annoyed (to the point of utter frustration) with certain extreme girly behaviour at times, I want to apologise. I would like them to try and understand that much as I am 'one of the guys', sometimes it is hard to shake off all girly characteristics, and some of them do surface now and then.

Let's face it now -- we girls can't live without guys. And I am not just talking broken light bulbs that need to be fixed. I'm talking about the absolute need to have different viewpoints, different ways of thinking, and different ways of reacting to situations. The Venusians need the Martians.

To all those who say that in ten years' time, women will no longer need men, here's my reply. B-U-L-L! We need them as much as they need us and that's the whole truth.

Think about it -- we really give them a tough time, and yet they still manage to love us.

Ladies, let's cut the men in our lives some slack.

I believe

- I believe that no one loves us quite as selflessly as our parents.

- I believe that if you remember a person strongly enough, he/she will call/email/show up at the door.

- I believe that life is tough on only those who can handle it.

- I believe that each one of us has more than one soulmate.

- I believe that when we wear something given to us by someone who cares, we're spreading a lot of positivity within ourselves. Maybe that’s the reason why I like gifts that I can ‘wear’.

- I believe that if you stare at the printer hard enough, it will start printing faster.

- I believe that rebooting is the solution to all computer problems. If rebooting doesn't help, it's time to buy another computer.

- I believe that when I don't like someone, I can actually 'see' our auras repelling each other.

- I believe that the true test of what you think of a friend's character is whether you'll be okay with him/her dating your sibling.

- I believe that long distance relationships never work out in the long term.

- I believe that bad vibes in the surroundings can kill plants.

- I believe that every house has a personality, shaped by the inhabitants and their relationships with each other.

- I believe that the guys vs girls debate is the most futile one in the history of mankind.

- I believe that each of us can absorb the negativity around us and turn it into positive energy.

- I believe that life is the most incredible, most complex, most beautiful thing ever.

An open letter

Dear wife-to-be of my dear friend,

Hi, I am Sayesha. And I'm having an incredibly difficult time writing this letter to you.

I've been friends with the guy you're marrying, for a long time now. And now, I'm scared. I'm scared of what this marriage will bring about, and how it will change the relationship we have. Putting it crudely, you're going to take him away from me.

Before you came along, I used to think, "He dare get married to someone I don't approve of!" But now, all these seem like child's play. Play time is over for Sayesha, and her friend has grown up and is moving on. He is getting ready for the biggest change in his life. He is getting married. To someone I don't know.

You're soon going to be very important to a guy who is very important to me. I know it is going to be difficult for you to adjust to the new life you're creating for yourself. To familiarise yourself with the way his life works, his relationships with his friends, the way he thinks, his silences, everything. Things I am familiar with, but you are not. Yet. But you will be. Soon.

Why am I telling you all these? I myself don't know. But rest assured that I am not asking you to try and be friends with me. Heck, you may not even like me! In fact, you may even disapprove of me being as important as I am to him today. And that is perfectly understandable.

But I have one request to make. I'm hoping against hope that perhaps you will understand the close friendship we share. I connect with him on things that I do with no one else. We have secrets, we have insider jokes, we have this beautiful relationship which I treasure. I hope you can be comfortable with what he and I have, because it is precious to us.

But if you don't, if you're not comfortable, that's okay. I will step back. Into the background. I may have withdrawal symptoms, it may take a long time, but I'll be fine. Because I know that you deserve nothing less than the top place in his life. And that's okay. That's justified. That's how it should be.

If you can understand, please do so. At least, try to.

If not, it's okay. I will understand. At least, I'll try to.

- Sayesha

CC'ed!

A few years ago, when he was educating himself on computers, my Dad came across the concept of CC'ing an email. He was really excited.

"This means I can email you and send the same thing to your sister! At the same time! Isn't this great?" He asked.

"Yeah, Dad." I smiled to myself.

What I really wanted to say was, "Dad, you've been using the CC function for years now. You just did not know about it."

Here's the story:

I call home on a Sunday evening.

Dad picks up.

Sayesha - Hello, Dad! It's me. How are things?
Dad - Good! Good! What about you?
Sayesha - Great! Life's a mess right now. But otherwise great.
Dad - That's good.
Sayesha - So where's Mom?
Dad - Mom? She's in the kitchen. Busy.

Loud clang clang noise. 'Click' sound of Mom picking up the phone in the other room.

Mom - I am here, I am here! What do you mean 'busy in the kitchen'??
Sayesha - Hi, Mom!
Mom - Put the phone down!
Sayesha - Huh??
Mom - Not you! Your Dad! Put the phone down!
Dad - Why should I put the phone down??
Mom - Because I want to talk to my daughter.
Dad - Your daughter? She's my daughter too!
Mom - Yeah, but you can talk later.
Dad - Why don't you talk later?

I interrupt meekly.

Sayesha - Mom, Dad, I'm making an IDD call here...
Mom - See, now you're wasting her money!
Dad - I'm wasting her money??
Mom - Yes, yes, you are. Put the phone down. Let me talk to her.
Dad - I want to talk to her first. When she calls on Saturdays and I am at office, you get to talk to her. So I get to talk to her now.
Mom - Well, she can only call at her own convenience, isn't it?

And I listen, CC'ed in the conversation Mom and Dad are having.

Sayesha - Okay, instead of you guys talking to each other, why don't I talk, and the two of you just listen?
Dad (indignantly) - Okay.
Mom (indignantly) - Okay.
Sayesha - So what did you do in the weekend? Watched any new movies?
Mom - I wanted to, but your Dad doesn't want to watch Hindi movies.
Dad - That's because you only watch 'dhishum dhishum' movies.
Mom - What? No, I don't! Munnabhai was not a 'dhishum dhishum' movie!

And I listen, CC'ed in the conversation again, beginning to get impatient.

Sayesha - So are you going to talk to me at all today?
Mom - Oh, sorry!
Dad - Yes, yes, we want to talk to you.
Sayesha - Cool. So have you been exercising?
Mom - I have, I have! Three rounds on the terrace every morning.
Dad - That's not enough! You must come with me on my morning walk.
Mom - No, that tires me.
Dad - You're just lazy.
Mom - No, I am not! You're the one not taking care of your health!
Dad - What did I do??
Mom - What about the coke you drank yesterday?
Dad - I only tasted a little bit.
Mom - A little bit?? Yeah, right! And what about the cake you had?

Sayesha - Ok I'm gonna have to take matters into my hands now. This conversation is cute, but I am kinda running out of patience, and money on my phone card. So I am going to make this short. May I?
Mom & Dad - Errr... huh?
Sayesha - Dad, You've gotta cut down your sugar. Mom, you've gotta start those morning walks. And I've gotta go. Talk to you later, okie?
Mom & Dad - Okay. Bye! Call us next weekend, okay?

Sayesha (smiles to herself) - Yeah. I will.

I will.

My TCTSTFTS theory

I have a theory.

It's called the TCTSTFTS theory -- Too Close Too Soon, Too Far Too Soon.

Have you ever met someone whom you instantly connected with? Someone who made you wonder why on earth you'd never met before you actually met? The circumstances you met under seem bizarre and out of this world, and yet, on some levels, perfectly normal. He/she may be exactly like you or completely different, but you feel like you were meant to be friends, and friends for life. Just by virtue of knowing that person, you feel special.

The closeness, comfort and warmth you develop within an extremely short span of time, is unbelievable. You feel fortunate to have that person in your life. You feel special. Really special. It amazes you so much that you ask yourself if it is too good to be true. You know it's not a crush, and it's not love. It's just the most incredible kind of friendship ever. Something that logic cannot explain.

You talk to each other until you feel you're gonna run out of words. And you laugh over it.

But one fine day, that's exactly what happens. You run out of words. You run out of conversations. You run out of feelings. Just like that.

"What just happened here??" you ask yourself. And neither you nor the other person has an answer. There was no fight, no misunderstanding, no other feelings. Nothing. It just got over. Without any reason. And each person walks his/her own way feelinglessly. They get on with their respective lives. But it hurts. What hurts more is not the fact that it is over, but the fact that you just got on with your life as if it had never happened. You try to figure things out. Sometimes by judging yourself. Sometimes by judging the other person. Trying to find whose "mistake" it was. But it doesn’t help. It was no one's "mistake". No one was a bad person. Yet, it happened.

I’ve experienced it, felt the heart-breaking pain of losing what I thought was a great friendship, and thought about it for long hours to explain this phenomenon. And finally, I came up with the TC theory, which at least to me, makes sense.

Putting it very clinically, I believe that people have spaces in their hearts that they lease out to other people they care about. Each one of us occupies such a space in other's hearts. Often, we vacate the space, either of our own will or of the "owner's" will. But sometimes, only sometimes, we get (or give out) lease for an infinite time. And these are the people who stay in our hearts forever. I feel that on some levels, to get to that state, we must not occupy one big space in someone's heart, but occupy "micro-spaces" spread out across the heart. Like a stubborn tenant who is all over the place, and cannot be gotten rid of. And to be able to seep into the spaces in someone's heart like that -- like rainwater in the soil, you need time and patience. Lots of it.

I believe in my theory to the point of paranoia. It's always -- Sayesha, are you getting 'Too Close Too Soon'? Beware, because 'Too Far Too Soon' is on the way! With a real connection, if I get the feeling that it's happening unrealistically fast, I get scared. I back off. But I tell the person about TCT. If they understand, great. If they don’t, it simply means that we never had the connection I thought we had.

So if you have that kind of connection with someone, it's a keeper. Cherish it, nurture it. Most importantly -- give it time.

And that's what Sayesha's TCTSTFTS theory is all about.

Of CIGs and pigs

Have you ever had a creepy guy on the Internet (I call their clan CIG -- Creepy Internet Guy) suddenly adding you on MSN, and sending you weird messages?

Here's a conversation that happened between a CIG and Sayesha. (The only reason this conversation was so long was because Sayesha is generally not rude, not even to CIGs. One has to really piss her off to see her rude side.)

CIG adds Sayesha.

CIG - Hi there! *smiley*
Sayesha - Sorry, but do I know you?
CIG - No, you don't. But you can, if you want. *winkey*
Sayesha - I'm not interested. Sorry.
CIG - But I am. *smiley*
Sayesha - Well, I am not.
CIG - Come on! I just want to be friends.
Sayesha - But I don't.
CIG - Why not?
Sayesha - Because I don't talk to strangers on the Internet.
CIG - Are you from India?
Sayesha - I don't think I have to tell you that. Please remove me from your list.
CIG - What if I don't? *winkey*
Sayesha - Then I will delete you.
CIG - Haha! But I can still message you.
Sayesha - No, you can't. I will block-delete you.
CIG - No, you won't. *winkey*
Sayesha - What makes you think so?
CIG - 'Cos I know you're just acting girly and pricey. You wanna be friends with me too! *winkey*
Sayesha - Oh yeah? Want to try me?
CIG - Oh yeah! *smiley*

Sayesha does a block-delete.

Sayesha (to herself) - Hah! *smiley*

Conversations with Grandma

I was in the bus on my way to uni when I suddenly thought of my grandma. My only surviving grandparent, she must be close to 80. I call her up now and then to find out how she is. And every time, this is how our conversation goes.

Grandma - Hello?
Me - Hello?
Grandma - Who are you?
Me - This is Queen, Grandma. (Yes, she has a nick name for each of her 15 grandchildren.)
Grandma - Are you Queen?
Me - Yes, I am. I just said so.
Grandma (to my Aunt) - It is Queen.
Aunt's voice in background - Yes, I know.
Grandma - Queen?
Me - Yes, Grandma?
Grandma - What are you doing, Queen?
Me - I am talking to you, Grandma.
Grandma - You are talking to me. Yes. Have you had dinner?
Me - Yes, I have.
Grandma - What did you eat?
Me (pauses to figure out how to explain mee goreng or wantan mee or whatever) - You know noodles?
Grandma - Noodles?
Me - Yes, like maggi? Something like that.
Grandma - You ate maggi.
Me - Errmmm... yeah, okay.
Grandma - You did not cook dinner?
Me - No, I did not. I don't get much time these days.
Grandma - Okay.

*pause*

Grandma - What time is it there?
Me - 12:30.
Grandma - Afternoon?
Me - No. Night.
Grandma - Past midnight?
Me - Yes.
Grandma - That is very late. It is 10 pm here.
Me - Yes. I know.

*pause*

Grandma - So when are you coming here?
Me - I don't know. I don't have much leave left.
Grandma - Not much leave left?
Me - Yeah, not much.
Grandma - Office won't let you come here.
Me - Yeah. They won't.
Grandma - Then when will you come here?
Me - I don't know. Maybe next year.
Grandma - Next year?
Me - Yes. Next year.
Grandma - But I'll be dead.
Me - No, you won't. Don't say things like that.
Grandma - I am bedridden. I can't move. I'm very ill. I'll be dead by then. Can you come this year?
Me - No, I can't, Grandma.
Grandma - You can't.
Me - No. Can't.

By then, I can't control my tears anymore and my voice starts to shake.

Me - Grandma?
Grandma - Yes?
Me - I have to go now. I'll call later. Okay?
Grandma - Okay.

Life cycle

Sayesha, your life used to be so simple. What did you do to it??

6:30 am - I wake up.
7:30 am - I catch the bus to work.
8:15 am - I reach office.
12:30 pm - Everyone goes for lunch. I am either at my desk, calling up house agents, or viewing houses. (??!!)
1:30 pm - I am back at work.
4:00 pm - I am off to class.
5:00 pm - I am working in the train.
5:45 pm - I reach university.
6:00 pm - I pack/skip dinner.
6:30 pm - I start lessons.
9:30 pm - I end lessons.
9:45 pm - I catch the bus out of uni.
11:00 pm - I have a house viewing. (??!!)
12:00 mn - I reach home.
01:00 am - I crash.
6:30 am - I wake up.

And it starts all over again...

Sigh...

But it's not all bad.

God bless the incredibly cute French guy in my class.

Fat Chick

"Fat chick, man!" I hear a lot of gals being thus dismissed by my guy friends.

But to me, the term 'fat chick' has a different meaning altogether. A 'fat chick' to me means precisely that. A fat chick.
















In the year 1998, which was my first year at university, I saw a stall put up by the Red Cross Society in the canteen. They were having a charity sale. And that's where I first saw Fat Chick. Almost round in shape, she was sitting there, in all her fat glory, beckoning out to me, "Buy me, Sayesha. Buy me!" Now I am not really a soft toy person (I think teddy bears are ugly) but this one was special. The stall holder showed me how Fat Chick flapped her wings if you pulled the ring on her tail. I decided to buy her. I was due at a lecture in five minutes, but I did not want to come back after it, in case someone else had already bought Fat Chick by then.

After I'd paid, it suddenly struck me how fat she really was (I'd say she'd fit snugly in a hollow sphere of diameter over 1 foot), and how embarrassing it would be if I walked into the lecture theatre, holding Fat Chick in my hands. So I did something quite cruel. I stuffed her into my school bag. On top of my books and lecture notes and everything. It was really difficult, but I managed. And I rushed to attend the lecture I was already late for.

As I tried to slink into the lecture theatre, I realised that all the 'safe seats' (the ones at the back) were taken, and the only vacant seat was the one right under the nose of the lecturer. I sheepishly made my way to that seat and plonked myself down. As I caught my breath, the professor announced, "Please take out your lecture notes and turn to page xxx."

Horror of horrors, as I hurriedly pulled the zip of my school bag to open it, Fat Chick suddenly popped out and rolled down on the floor (yes, she actually rolled! Did I mention she is round, like absolutely round?) between the lecturer and me. He paused for a full ten seconds, looking at Fat Chick on the floor, the open school bag and finally at my red face. As the rest of the class burst into laughter, I picked Fat Chick up and stuffed her back into my bag.

I don't think I can ever forget the look on the lecturer's face.