In-flight entertainment

Snippets from my flight to LA:

- The stopover at Tokyo was fun. I saw some highly entertaining features for users to select on their high-tech toilets. Music. Spray intensity. Powerful deodorizer (yes, the button actually said Powerful deodorizer. Flushing sound volume. Wait a minute... Flushing sound volume?? You get to pick if it should be whoosh or WHOOOOOOSH? Hahahahaha!

- Got frisked by a Japanese female security officer who exclaimed "Hoi!" with every movement she made. I was quite alarmed, but later a friend told me that she was actually saying "Hai" which in Japanese means "Yes." Erm, I am still quite alarmed.

- Every time I fly with Viv, he orders a special vegetarian meal which is almost always better than mine. So this time I ordered it, but since I was flying alone, I was all prepared for Chef Murphy to give me the crappiest meal on the aircraft. To my surprise, I had nice rajma and paneer and parathas which were being eyed enviously by my fellow passengers.

- So I had an aisle seat in a row of four seats and I was hoping the other seats would stay empty so I could stretch all I want. But this long-haired musician (saw him with a guitar after I got out of the airport) came and sat right next to me. I was hoping he'd at least move to the other aisle seat but he didn't budge. After the plane had taken off, he unbuckled his seat belt and I went "Yeay!" in my head. My joy was short-lived. The dude lifted all the armrests in between, lay down and went to sleep, occupying all three seats! And the worst part was that his long blonde hair would fall on my armrest every time he turned in his sleep so I had to very carefully brush it all away so he wouldn't wake up thinking I had yanked his hair! (Btw, it is extremely creeeepy to touch a stranger's hair when they are asleep.)

- Because of the above situation, I couldn't sleep at all and decided to watch movies instead. Watched Tum Mile and All The Best and Blue. Tum Mile was not bad but the directors need to know that when you make a movie, at least ONE of the lead pair needs to be a little good-looking yaar. No wonder the movie bombed. The best friend (who died, as all best friends in Hindi movies are destined to) was better-looking than Soha and Emraan put together. I will say though, that Emraan Hashmi still looks good in glasses. *ducks to avoid joota chappal* All The Best is a DHAKKAN movie. So is Blue. Okay did anyone else notice that in Blue, when Sanjay Dutt's house is being shot at by the bad guys, he pauses to -- get this -- PUT ON HIS SUNGLASSES before he starts shooting back at them????

- My co-passenger who was sitting in front of me asked me if I was a student. YIPPEEE!! The only time I was in a more jubilant age-related situation was when I was asked for my ID at a casino entrance.

- My co-passenger (the same one as above) and I saved this Indian's dude's baby --- he had plonked the stroller with the baby on the airport bus and the stroller started rolling away backwards about to fall off the bus when we grabbed it. Forget thanking us, he did not even look at us. He just took the stroller from our hands and walked away. Badtameez teri phat jaaye kameez!

- This is only my third visit to the US but I have noticed one thing about the folks at the immigration counters -- they are either super grumpy or super cheerful. The one I got at LA asks me where I am going to stay. "My husband's cousin's place." I say. "So you're married?" He asks. "Yes" I say. "Whyyyyyyy?" He says in a tone of despair. As I look at him in surprise, he starts typing on his keyboard and says, "Okay I have just dropped your husband an email asking him why he married you and ruined my chances." I gape at him, wondering how bored the poor fella must be at his job to say all this.

- The customs guy asked me whose address I had put on the form. "My husband's cousin" I said. He looked up, to his left, and then to his right, as if I had just said, "Meri mummy ki behen ki beti ke pati ke bhai ka beta" and he was working it out. Then he said, "Hmmm... so... is that your... cousin-in-law or something?" Before I could say "I guess you could say that." he started wondering at his own question "Is that even a term...? Hmmm". Ok these guys ARE really bored.

That's all for now. I'm terribly jet-lagged and in severe need of some sleep. I guess I just have one last mandatory thing to do before I go to bed. Put on my sunglasses.