Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Dolled up

All of you know that Katrina Kaif is the new face of Barbie, but Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) brings you the real story of how it happened.

So Mattel shortlisted the actresses they thought would be suitable as Barbie, and it came down to two finalists -- Aishwarya and Katrina. Unable to decide between the two, they locked both in a room and asked them to argue it out. Whoever succeeded in breaking the other down would be the winner. SSSK was of course there to report the proceedings, half-hanging from a branch just outside the room, furiously taking down notes with her pencil and notepad.

Katrina - So?

Aishwarya - So what?

Katrina - Look Aishwarya, I'm the obvious choice here. So just back off, okay?

Aishwarya - And what makes you think you're the obvious choice?

Katrina - Because... it's obvious. I look like a doll! Everyone says so! I believe the exact expression they used was "She's an expressionless doll." Ha!

Aishwarya - Oh puh-leez. I can show you hundreds of movie reviews that said I was like a doll in the movie. That too, a wooden doll. Beat that!

Katrina (coyly looks at her nails) - Well, Barbie is not a wooden doll. She is plastic.

Aishwarya - Ha! The reviews said I was plastic too! And everyone said I had a plastic smile in that toothpaste ad I did. So there!

Katrina - Well... you're... OLD. Barbie is a young doll.

Aishwarya - I'm a legend. There are movies with me as the central character.

Katrina - Well, me too. Well, almost. Do you know what they were going to initially name 'Singh is Kinng'?

Aishwarya - What?

Katrina (proudly) - Katrina is Kweenn.

Aishwarya (rolls her eyes) - Oh please.

Katrina - Seriously. Then they pleaded, "Katrina, be a doll and let Akshay be the centre of attention." Doll. See?

Aishwarya - Do you know, I stood in Madam Tussaud's wax museum for two days in a row and no one even knew it was the real me?

Katrina - Well...

Aishwarya - Yeah? Got anything?

Katrina - Ahem... I can't speak Hindi. You can.

Aishwarya - Uh... so? What's that got to do with anything?

Katrina - Don't you get it? I can't speak Hindi. Neither can Barbie!

Aishwarya - They want an Indian Barbie. You're not even Indian!

Katrina - Of course I'm Indian. You're the one with the blue eyes.

Aishwarya (coldly) - I was Miss India World.

Katrina - Well, I have the whole package. Including Ken.

Aishwarya - Huh?

Katrina - If they want to do an Indian Ken some day to complement the Indian Barbie, whom do you think they will pick? The Ken doll is clean-shaven. Your Ken is hairy and dirty. Mine is clean-shaven.

Aishwarya - Hmmph! That's because all his facial hair fell off along with the hair on his head!

Katrina (furious) - Objection!

SSSK (excitedly, from the branch) - Sustained!

Aishwarya and Katrina look around to see where the sound came from. SSSK hides among the leaves. They go back to their Kat-fight.

Katrina - Well, you dated him too!

Aishwarya (smiles) - And look how that turned out.

Katrina (grinning) - Well, I may live with Salman. But you live with the Bachchans. I wonder what's worse. Ha!

Stony silence in the room, followed by Aishwarya bursting into tears. Finally, both come out of the room. Katrina is beaming. Aishwarya looks distraught. While Katrina goes back into the Mattel office to sign the contract, Aishwarya dials a number.

Aishwarya (choking) - Daddy... I didn't get it... I tried really hard, but they still gave it to her. (sobs hysterically)

Amitabh Bachchan - Koi baat nahin, beta. Don't cry. Let her take this. This is no big deal. I'll just buy you another Padmashri next year, okay?



24 comments:

Shoba said...

I claim GOLD !

Good one SSSK ..

iyer-the-gr8 said...

Silver!!!!

Nice... :)

pujathakur said...

Now ain't that wicked? and funny? and well written??
Loved every word of it :-)

Sanket said...

BRONZE!!

Simply awesome......as usual :)

ramya said...

awesom... "puh-leez" SSSK tell me how do you reach all such places...and how did you manage to write all that during the fight :-P

Dewdrop said...

Katrina is Kween!!! Hilarious!

Abhishek Khanna said...

yay yay .. kattu jeet gai

Divya said...

Hey that was really nice....really like the way you write

Manchus said...

Just 2 good SSSK. I like that you hang on the tree and still manage to write notes. In this age, it is better to hold an iphone as voice-recorder and then write the transcript :)

Dil se said...

Hey that was really great !! Really funny and very innovative.

Sum said...

Ha ha ha ha..... Good one!

Thousif Raza M.B said...

hey nice one as usual,

by the way i read all your previous posts

and man am i jealous for the b'day party u threw....

it was absolute joy to read that and that "do andhe match ke passes" was awesome i am even smiling now as i write this,,

hey grt blog yaar really

hats off to u


take care and keep writing........

Dream'R said...

lolz...that was one piece of excellent reporting....were u part of the shakthi kapoor sting operations too??...

on a serious note...real nice entry...QUITE HILARIOUS!!

keep at it

luv
amith

Sanchit said...

Amitabh Bachchan: And beta, I'll write 100s of hate posts about Katrina on my blog.. Dont worry...

VIDYA said...

haha....awesome...But seriously,Kat's the new Indian Barbie face?Sigh...i wanted Ash :)

santasizing...Fantasizing said...

bhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiii....mazedaar....fataka post ekdum...
bas ek corrections...daddy ke jagah "pa" would have sounded just so apt...

bhai...dull office day ko apke post ne ekdum chamka daala!!!

AMIT said...

hahaha just laughing a lot after reading your post.

Boise real estate

mesoliloquy said...

Ha..ha..ha..now next is Padmabhushan for bitiya.

Swathy said...

this is too good bhai..
I could not control my laughter..
hahahaha..
aur ha,
aap ke chai recipe ke liye shukriya..
tried it..
came out great..
:D

Rushabhh Gandhi said...

I guess Amitabh Bachchan( i always have a problem writing his last name)
was the Hero here..:P

And yes I got talli too..!:P

Ashish said...

Salman Khan must have given katrina the special Doll feeling

Sayesha said...

#Shoba,
Thanks. :)

#iyer-the-gr8,
Thank you. :)

#Pujathakar,
Thanks! :D

#Sanket,
Thank you! :)

#ramya,
Hahahahaha! Years of practice, my child, years of practice. :P

#Dewdrop,
:D

#Abhishek,
Kattu? Hahahaha! Tera personal nick hai Katrina ke liye? :P

#Divya,
Thank you! :)

#Manchus,
//I like that you hang on the tree and still manage to write notes. In this age, it is better to hold an iphone as voice-recorder and then write the transcript :)

Hehehe... SSSK thodi (THODI??) traditional hai. :P

#Dil se,
Thanks! :)

#Sum,
Thanks! :)

#Thousif,
Thank you! And welcome to the bar! :)

#Dream'R,
Hehehe... thank you! :)

#Sanchit,
Hahaha! Good one! :D

#VIDYA,
Thanks. :)
PS: I think they were considering Genelia too... personally, I think Katrina is probably the most doll-like and someone little girls would want to grow up and be like. (Oh the horror!)

#Santa fanta,
Hehehe... oh yeah, Abhi calls them 'Pa', hai na? She does too?

#AMIT,
Thanks. :)

#mesoliloguy,
Hehehe... in fact, I am thinking Param Veer Chakra! :D

#Swathy,
Hehehe... thanks. :) Oh you tried the chai? Awesome! :D In-laws have gone back to India so no more chai-company for me. :(

#Rushabhh,
Thanks. :)

#Ashish,
Eeee... hope you mean it in a non-creepy way! Heheh! :P

Abhishek Khanna said...

yeah.. main pyar se use yahi bulata hun

Sara said...

Very funnny,utterly hilarious!!