Dolled up

All of you know that Katrina Kaif is the new face of Barbie, but Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) brings you the real story of how it happened.

So Mattel shortlisted the actresses they thought would be suitable as Barbie, and it came down to two finalists -- Aishwarya and Katrina. Unable to decide between the two, they locked both in a room and asked them to argue it out. Whoever succeeded in breaking the other down would be the winner. SSSK was of course there to report the proceedings, half-hanging from a branch just outside the room, furiously taking down notes with her pencil and notepad.

Katrina - So?

Aishwarya - So what?

Katrina - Look Aishwarya, I'm the obvious choice here. So just back off, okay?

Aishwarya - And what makes you think you're the obvious choice?

Katrina - Because... it's obvious. I look like a doll! Everyone says so! I believe the exact expression they used was "She's an expressionless doll." Ha!

Aishwarya - Oh puh-leez. I can show you hundreds of movie reviews that said I was like a doll in the movie. That too, a wooden doll. Beat that!

Katrina (coyly looks at her nails) - Well, Barbie is not a wooden doll. She is plastic.

Aishwarya - Ha! The reviews said I was plastic too! And everyone said I had a plastic smile in that toothpaste ad I did. So there!

Katrina - Well... you're... OLD. Barbie is a young doll.

Aishwarya - I'm a legend. There are movies with me as the central character.

Katrina - Well, me too. Well, almost. Do you know what they were going to initially name 'Singh is Kinng'?

Aishwarya - What?

Katrina (proudly) - Katrina is Kweenn.

Aishwarya (rolls her eyes) - Oh please.

Katrina - Seriously. Then they pleaded, "Katrina, be a doll and let Akshay be the centre of attention." Doll. See?

Aishwarya - Do you know, I stood in Madam Tussaud's wax museum for two days in a row and no one even knew it was the real me?

Katrina - Well...

Aishwarya - Yeah? Got anything?

Katrina - Ahem... I can't speak Hindi. You can.

Aishwarya - Uh... so? What's that got to do with anything?

Katrina - Don't you get it? I can't speak Hindi. Neither can Barbie!

Aishwarya - They want an Indian Barbie. You're not even Indian!

Katrina - Of course I'm Indian. You're the one with the blue eyes.

Aishwarya (coldly) - I was Miss India World.

Katrina - Well, I have the whole package. Including Ken.

Aishwarya - Huh?

Katrina - If they want to do an Indian Ken some day to complement the Indian Barbie, whom do you think they will pick? The Ken doll is clean-shaven. Your Ken is hairy and dirty. Mine is clean-shaven.

Aishwarya - Hmmph! That's because all his facial hair fell off along with the hair on his head!

Katrina (furious) - Objection!

SSSK (excitedly, from the branch) - Sustained!

Aishwarya and Katrina look around to see where the sound came from. SSSK hides among the leaves. They go back to their Kat-fight.

Katrina - Well, you dated him too!

Aishwarya (smiles) - And look how that turned out.

Katrina (grinning) - Well, I may live with Salman. But you live with the Bachchans. I wonder what's worse. Ha!

Stony silence in the room, followed by Aishwarya bursting into tears. Finally, both come out of the room. Katrina is beaming. Aishwarya looks distraught. While Katrina goes back into the Mattel office to sign the contract, Aishwarya dials a number.

Aishwarya (choking) - Daddy... I didn't get it... I tried really hard, but they still gave it to her. (sobs hysterically)

Amitabh Bachchan - Koi baat nahin, beta. Don't cry. Let her take this. This is no big deal. I'll just buy you another Padmashri next year, okay?