Battle lines

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) is addressing a small crowd in the middle of a playground. (She picked the playground as it was the only venue without a booking charge.) Three cheap plastic chairs are placed behind her. On them are seated the finalists of the 'most memorable Bollywood character' poll -- Gabbar Singh, Mogambo and Crimemaster Gogo. The other nominees are sitting on the grass as she couldn't afford any more chairs.

SSSK - Ladies and gentlemen... We have gathered here to announce the winner of the 'most memorable character' poll held at the bar last week. Before we do that, I'd like to tell you a little more about the voting system...

Gabbar (gets up from the chair and points hi gun at SSSK) - Abbe chup! Bahut ho gaya!

SSSK - Lekin woh... Gabbar ji... I'm the host...

Circuit (sitting amidst the nominees, cheekily sings) - Host host na raha...

Gabbar (shoots in the air) - Abbe tu bhi chup!

Everyone clams up.

Gabbar - Arre o Samba, kitne votes they?

Samba - Sardaar, kareeb kareeb pachaas.

Gabbar - Yeahahaha! Aur mere hisse mein?

Samba - Sardaar, kareeb kareeb bees.

Gabbar - Vote pachaas aur sirf bees mere? Bahut nainsafi hai.... Baaki tees kahan gaye re?

Samba - Sardaar, woh... main... ek baat kahoon?

Gabbar - Haan bol!

Samba (blushing) - Ek vote mujhe bhi mila, sardaar...

Gabbar - Huh? Kya sochkar aaye they? Ki sardaar bahut khus hoga? Sabaasi dega?? Besaram! Jis thali mein khata hai, usi mein se vote churata hai?

Samba - Sardaar... maine aapka namak khaya hai...

Gabbar - Mera vote toh churaaya, ab Kaalia ka dialogue bhi chura liya? Le tu bhi goli kha!

Gabbar shoots Samba.

SSSK (gently taps Gabbar on the shoulder with a trembling hand) - Excuse me Gabbar ji, sorry to interrupt... I hope that bullet was a fake one... as it is I don't have a permit for this gathering... oopar se yeh sab violence...

Gabbar - Abbe chup! Basanti ki tarah nachaaun tujhe??

SSSK trembles and sits down on the grass.

Gabbar (addresses everyone) - Toh lagta hai Gabbar jeet gaya. Yeahahaha! Sabse memorable Gabbar hai. Yeahahaha! Aaj bhi kisi metro mein jab bacha raat ko rota hai toh ma kehti hai so ja beta so ja warna Gabbar aa jayega. Yeahahaha!

Mogambo - What nonsense! Results kahan hain? Results dekhkar hi pata chalega kaun sabse memorable hai.

Gogo - Haan yeh sahi baat hai! Asli winner ko hi trophy milegi!

Mogambo - Huh?? Tum kaun ho??

Gogo (bends to touch Mogambo's golden boot) - Pai lagu, chachu.

Mogambo - Chachu?? Who are you calling Chachu?? Mogambo kisi ka chachu nahin hai!

Gogo - Shhhh... chachu... shhh. Izzat ka sawaal hai... main sabko bolta phirta hoon ki main Mogambo ka bhateeja hoon... value badhti hai... Mera chance toh hai nahin but if you play along, I'll help you get the trophy.

Mogambo (gives Gogo a dirty look and then pretends to smile) - Uhh... Jeete raho bhateeje...

Gabbar - Hmm... bahut yarana lagta hai...

Circuit - Eh! Tum dono ka happy family drama khatam ho gaya? Time nahin hai apun ke paas! Results nikaalo.

Munnabhai (whispers to Circuit) - Eh Circuit, apun logich jeetega na?

Circuit (rolling up sleeves) - Arre Bhai, 100 percent jeetega. Apun log finalist nahin toh kya hua. Kisi ki himmat hai Munnabhai se panga lene ki?

Gabbar - Munna?? Hahahaha! Arre hum jungle ke daaku hain... yeh seher ke munna-munni humse ladenge? Hahahahaha!

Mogambo - Tumhe koi idea nahin ki mere soldiers kitne trained hain! Main toh puri duniya par kabza karne wala hoon, yeh mamooli trophy kya cheez hai?

Gabbar Singh - Hahahahahaha! Gabbar ke aadmiyon se ladne chale hain! Iski saja milegi... barabar milegi.

Mogambo - Tumhari himmat kaise hui mujhe dhamkaane ki?? (to his soldiers) Mera muh kya dekh rahe ho?

Mogambo's soldier (promptly) - Hail Mogambo!

Mogambo - Hail Mogambo later. For now... fight!

Mogambo's soldier - But... uhh... ffffight?

Mogambo - Of course!

Mogambo's soldier - We don't know... how to err... fight.

Mogambo - WHAT?! What do you know then??

Mogambo's soldier - We only know how to say 'Hail Mogambo!', and... errr.. jump into boiling acid when you say 'Jump!' That's all. We're not trained to do much else...

Gabbar - Hee hee haa haa! Ab tera kya hoga, Mogambo?

Circuit (whispers to Munnabhai) - Bhai yahan toh gangwar ho rela hai... apun doich hain... oopar se aapke sar se Gandhigiri ka bhoot utra nahin hai... apun log kalti maarein kya?

Munnabhai - Eh Circuit... zindagi mein pehli baar tuney dimaag se kaam liya hai... apun bhi yehi soch rela tha... khisak lete hain apun log... trophy uthwa lenge baad mein!

Gabbar's and Mogambo's men start fighting. Everyone watches with keen interest.

Gogo sneaks over to SSSK who's still in shock. She is clutching on to the trophy.

Gogo (points a gun at SSSK) - Trophy mere hawaale kar do! Crimemaster Gogo naam hai mera. Mogambo ka bhateeja hoon main. Aankhein nikalkar gotiyan khelunga!

SSSK meekly hands over the trophy to him.

Gogo (holds up the trophy and starts dancing) - Dhakki tiki dhakki tiki dhakki tiki!

Gabbar (points a gun at Gogo's head) - Yeh trophy mujhe de de, Gogo!

Gogo - Nahinnnnn!!!!

Gabbar - Yeahahaha! Yeh trophy mujhe de de, Gogo!

Gogo hands over the trophy, and goes and sits on the grass with the other depressed nominees.

Gogo (distraught) - Nahiiinnnnnn......... jab Aishwarya ko Padmashri mil sakta hai toh mujhe yeh measly trophy kyun nahin mil sakti?

Devdas (consoles Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Gogo. Mujhe hi dekh lo. Babuji ne kaha gaaon chhod do. Sabne kaha Paro ko chhod do. Paro ne kaha sharaab chhod do. Sharaab ne kaha trophy chhod do. Toh maine sab kuchh hi chhod diya.

Ajit (consoles Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Gogo. Mujhe bhi trophy nahin mili, lekin sara shaher phir bhi mujhe Loin ke naam se jaanta hai. Kyun, Raabert?

Raj (also jumps in to console Gogo) - Koi baat nahin, Senorita. Bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain.

Gogo - Senorita?? Pehle us Amar-Prem ne bola main purush hi nahin hoon! Ab tu mujhe Senorita bula raha hai??

Raj - Sorry Gogo ji... woh aapka ghaghra dekhkar...

Meanwhile, the battle has ended. All of Gabbar's and Mogambo's men are dead. Mogambo and Gabbar are pointing their guns at each other.

Gabbar (grins) - Arre o Mogambo, ab toh bas hum dono hi bache. Dono mar gaye toh trophy ka kya hoga re?

So they decide to have a paintball match to sort it out in a non-violent manner. The garden soon turns into a mess of colours. SSSK, Jai, Veeru and the other nominees start singing and dancing around them, "Holi ke din dil khil jaate hain, rangon se rang mil jaate hain."

Finally, the match gets over. Mogambo, by virtue of his lower body mass, emerges the winner. He looks around for the trophy. To his horror, it has disappeared.

"Nahin! It must be Mr. India! Gaayab hone ki ghadi usike paas hai. Meri trophy lekar gaayab ho gaya!" he exclaims in shock.

Mogambo and Gabbar sit down on the grass in despair along with the other nominees.

Mogambo - Grrr... Mogambo khush nahin hua!!

Meanwhile, some distance away, Gogo is furiously cycling away with the trophy clutched under his arm.

Gogo - Crime Master Gogo naam hai mera. Khandani chor hoon main. Aaya hoon, kuchh toh lekar jaaunga!