A raging (t)ale

So Viv and I picked up a can of ginger ale from the Japanese store Daiso. Now most of the stuff there has Japanese labels and often you only have the pictures to help you decipher what it is you are looking at. Lately, they have started sticking English labels on everything...


















...with some amusing results.

Past(a) tense

*thunk thunk thunk head on wall*

Why couldn't I come up with a better comeback? I handled the last one all right.

Situation: I'm sitting in a restaurant having lunch with my team. Hot Italian waiter is clearing everybody's pasta plates. Finally he comes over to clear mine.

Hot Italian waiter - Are you done, ma'am?
Me - Yes, thank you.
Hot Italian waiter (smiles, twinkle in his eye and all that) - Done like the pasta?
Me - Uhhh...

I know it's too late but...

Calling: All bewdas
Wanted: Kickass comeback
(Anything would be better than my "Uhhh..." actually!) :/

Aish Aish baby!

So my sister puts baby Aish on the speakerphone.

Me - Hiiiiii!
Aish - Hiiiiiii!
Me - Aishu, what are you doing?
Aish - Babblebabblebabble!
Me - What?! What is she saying?
Sis - She's just babbling. She was singing just now...
Me - She was singing?? What was she singing??
Sis - Some Hindi song.
Me - Hindi song? Hindi song?????

I couldn't believe my ears. Aishu had finally got rid of the mua Twinkal Twinkal and was actually singing a Hindi song! Oh, my training had finally shown results!

Me - Ask her to sing for me!!
Sis - Aish, sing a Hindi song for Mausi?
Aish - Babblebabblebabble!
Sis - Aish, sing a song? Mausi likes Hindi songs. Sing for her?
Aish - Babblebabblebabble!
Me - Why isn't she singing??
Sis - Maybe I need to tell her what to sing. What do you want?
Me - Anything. Whatever she knows...
Sis - Baby, what song do you want to sing for Mausi?
Me - Oh, any song is fine. I know all of 'em, baby!
Sis - Aish, see? Mausi knows all the songs. Sing one for her? Mausi will be happy-happy!

*pause*

Aish - Ye kon chitlakaal ai...
Me - Huh? Which song is this?
Sis - Aishu, sing again?
Aish - Ye kon chitlakaal ai...
Me - Once more...?
Aish - Ye kon chitlakaal ai!!
(Yeah, when she gets impatient, she incorporates exclamation marks into the song.)

Me - What is she saying?
Sis - Arre she's singing, "Yeh kaun chitrakar hai".

Me - *gulp*

Aish - Ye kon chitlakaal ai...

Me - *gulp*

Sis - You know the song, right?
Me - Ohhhhh! THAT song! Of course!

Me - *gulp*

Ladies and gentlemen... presenting the song of the month... a song from 1967... a song the original of which even saakshat Youtube doesn't have... a song introduced to the great 'I-know-all-Hindi-songs-hmmph!' (The 'hmmph!' is important) Sayesha by her 2-year-old Indian American niece.

Sheesh.

PS: Any bewda who dares to say, "Sayesha, you didn't know THIS song???" will really get the special weekend-edition thwack. :/

Un-beer-able taglines

So I was on my way to work this morning when I spotted a cab and a bus at the traffic light. The cab carried the Carlsberg ad and the bus had the Tiger ad, both of which made me cringe so bad I couldn't decide which one made me cringe more.

Carlsberg - Probably the best beer in the world.

Sheesh. Probably the best beer in the world? Is it just low self-esteem or are they just trying to be annoyingly modest? Seriously, probably?? Sure, 'best beer' is a subjective thing, but seriously dude, adding 'probably' does not make it better. Imagine if doctors started saying, "Hmm... This medicine probably won't kill you." Apparently, they came up with this tagline in 1973. I have one thing to say to that. People, it's been more than three decades and you're still not sure??


Tiger - 250 quality checks. 251 when you sip it.

*thunk thunk thunk head on wall*
So are you saying that your beer is so bad that even after 250 quality checks, it's still not ready for consumption? The person drinking it has to be the guinea pig and do the final check himself/herself??

Looks like beer ads are the best evidence -- alcohol does destroy the brain cells.

Probably. :/

Closure

You forgot but couldn't forgive.

I forgave but couldn't forget.

And that, my friend, is why we can't shouldn't be friends anymore.

The power of association

So after her bath, baby Aish was running all over the house in her chaddi, with my sister trying to catch hold of her. (I seriously think that's how sis maintains her figure, because she doesn't do any other workout.)

"Aish, come back! Let me put some clothes on you!" My sister yelled. But Aish was way faster than her mother. Finally, after a long chase, my sister caught up with the tapori.

"Nangu baby!" She chided Aish and proceeded to put on the clothes.

A few days later, my sister was watching the song 'Chura ke dil mera' when Aish stopped by.



















[I couldn't find the exact image I wanted so I played the song on youtube, paused it at the appropriate scene and then did a screen capture.]

Aish watched the song for a while with my sister. Then she pointed to Shilpa Shetty on the screen, tossed her little head and haughtily said, "Nangu baby!"

Papa, don't cook!

So today Clueless and I were making pav bhaji when we started talking about dads and how much of a disaster most of them are in the kitchen. Now I will not go into which story of her dad's culinary skills she shared with me, mainly because ahem, her dad reads my blog. But I will share the stories of my dad's kitchen karnaame, mainly because mine doesn't read my blog.

Childhood Story #1

So mom was away at grandma's place for a short vacation. My sister and I did not go with her as school term was on. So dad was in charge of us. I was perhaps all of six and my sister about ten. We'd staged a dharna to protest against the boiled salted vegetables that dad was trying to pass off as sabzi for the past three days. And so he decided to make something fancy.

"I will make chicken chulbuli today." He beamed as he put down the bag of groceries.

"Chicken what?!" my sister and I chorused.

"Chulbuli. Chicken chulbuli. It's my creation."

My sister and I looked at each other in horror. That would have been a good point to run away from home, but we persisted in the hope that mom would come back soon and nourish her starved children back to the pink of health.

Under our curious and horrified stares, dad put the chicken in the pressure cooker with some salt, and added a very large tablespoon of turmeric powder. He then shut the cooker and put it on the gas.

I shook my head at my sister. She looked at me helplessly.

A couple of whistles later, the pressure cooker was opened. The large tablespoon of turmeric had kinda solidified and was balanced precariously over the thigh of the chicken. Dad drained the water and put it in bowls in front of us.

"Soup." He smiled at us.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" We stared at the bowls in horror. But he looked so proud that we didn't want to break his heart. However, one spoon each of the 'soup' was enough for us. Seeing how I was close to bawling and my sister was close to calling (mom), dad finished the soup himself. Then came the chicken. The less said about it, the better.

Let's just say that after this, Mom never went anywhere during school term again.

***

Childhood Story #2

Mom and I had gone shopping and when we came back, we saw dad and his colleague in the living room. After greeting them, mom and I went to the kitchen and dad joined us shortly.

"Did you offer him any food or drinks?" Mom asked.

"Oh yes, I served him sherbet." Dad said.

"You did? Really? Wow!" Mom looked at him proudly.

"Yeah, it's so simple. I just took the bottle from the fridge and poured it into a glass for him. Bas!"

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" Mom looked horrified.

"What? What??" Dad asked.

"Did he say anything??" Mom asked, wincing.

"No, he chup chap drank it all up. Why, what happened??"

"That was Rasna concentrate!!!!!"

***

The best chefs in the world may be men, but the number is negligible compared to the number of dads with tragic culinary skills.

Got any tragedies to share?

Bhai at-tag-ed by two

I have been tagged by two bewdas of the bar!

Tag #1
This tag by Stupidosaur (his exact words were "I tag Sayesha - Who will probably write four lines from the double edition of the weekend paper, which will definitely have more than 123 pages.") made me hurl my hypothetical rolled-up weekend edition at him with great force over the bent-in-terror heads of all the other bewdas, but it kinda unrolled midway and did not hit him as hard as I'd intended. But then I thought to myself - let's honour the tag. After all, the poor guy was also ragged by the tag that someone sent his way. The tag may be pointless, but then think about it - how many 'pointful' things do we bloggers do anyway? Sheesh!

This is the tag:
1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.

Here goes:

"In spite of this brave statement, when Arjuna blew on his conch, he began to shake with fear and collapsed on the floor of the carriage. He was unable to hold the reins because his hands trembled. Arjuna explained, "When my conch is blown, its sound always makes my enemies tremble, but you are no enemy, be calm..."

Yep, you guessed it. I'm currently reading The Mahabharata by R. K. Narayan so it's the nearest book. And I just realised that by themselves, the above sentences make it seem like Arjuna freaked out at the sound of himself blowing the conch. But the person shaking with fear was actually the vain Prince Uttara who'd offered to be Arjuna's charioteer.

Tag #2
Now this one by Blue Bike states that you have to list down 10 of your secrets. There are two reasons why I can't do that. The first is that if I reveal them, they won't be secrets anymore. Secondly, anything that would be close to fitting the bill is already listed in this post. So I have decided it to modify the tag. A little bit.

Okay fine, a lot.

I'll list all right. But not secrets, but little-known facts. Not about me, but about this blog. Some of which may be known, but only to the mehfil ke puraane bewdas. And because my favourite number is 13, I've put down 13 facts instead of 10. (And yes, I'm totally aware that I have steered far far away from the original tag.)

Here goes:

• I started this blog not because I had a lot of thoughts, but because everyone else around me seemed to have one and I felt left out damnit! :/
  
  
• My initial projection of this blog's lifespan was one month. It's been 3.5 years and counting. Phew!
  
  
• For the longest time I did not know what the name 'Sayesha' meant. I asked a friend who knows more Urdu than me and he said it means 'princess of hearts'. Oooh. I like! :D Mogambo khush hua!
  
  
• This blog started off with Blogger's standard green template and was known as 'Sayesha's World' for almost a year. It turned into a bar only after this post, though I don't call this bar Sayeshaz any more (the z at the end is actually quite annoying, like the one in lolz and frenz). A few months ago, Viv helped me create the new blue look and new title. The picture was taken in February 2007 during our road trip in New Zealand.
  
  
• There was a time when I used to write a new post every single day. Are my thoughts getting fewer and fewer?
  
  
• There are two people whom I hang out with almost every weekend. I met them through my blog.
  
  
• Though I've made many friends through my blog, I've also already had fallouts with some of them without ever meeting them. I guess I expected too much (my mistake, I admit) and I trusted too much (again, my mistake). I've since gotten wiser and also a bit cynical about blog friendships. I'm happy about the wiser bit, not so much about the cynical bit. :/
  
  
• This blog is despised by some and I've had some comments from MACs (mean anonymous commentators), but I'm glad that I've never ever posted any mean anonymous comment on anyone's blog even when they really pissed me off.
  
  
• I've come close to shutting down my blog forever only once. In hindsight, that was the worst idea ever.
  
  
• My in-laws read my blog. Quite religiously at that. Sometimes they comment and then I don't know how I should address them when I reply to their comments. :P
  
  
• My parents know I have a blog, but they don't have a computer at home (Mom thinks it will explode and she wouldn't know what to do) so they can't read it. Once in a while, I copy-paste my posts and send it to Dad's work email id like a Friday Forward.
  

• My many alter-egos on this blog are actually all inter-connected. You see, Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (modelled after a character in the Britcom Goodness Gracious Me) writes for a newsletter which is edited by Sayesha the editor and circulated in a bar that belongs to her royal Bhai-ness The Bhai. The newsletter is called Akh-bar (the hyphen is important).
  
  
• I've often wondered if blogging about something good will jinx it. In the end, I took the popular 'To-hell-with-it' approach and decided that I should just blog without thinking too much.

I tag anyone who fulfils all of the following criteria:

1. Has a blog.
2. Pretends it does not exist and hence neglects it completely.
3. Hasn't written a new post in the last three months.

Bottom of the barrel

The results of the poll for the worst movie are out!

The third place is actually shared by FOUR movies! :O



















































































The second place has been swooped up by...



















And finally, top spot goes to - no surprises here - the one and only...
















I am proud to declare that of all the movies seen here, I have seen only one, phew! As for my own vote, I was torn between Naach and Banaras but decided to finally go with Banaras.

And here are other movies the bar bewdas have issued a warning about:

Hello Brother (holy cow I still remember Rani's thunder thighs from this one!), Ankahee, Bachke Rehna Re Baba (horrible rip off of Heartbreakers), Boom (I only remember AB's weird wig), Chup Chup Ke, Clerk (what movie is this???), Daud (I didn't watch it, but I heard that apparently Sanju Baba and Urmi babe were running around with a nuclear bomb contained in a briefcase?), Dhoom, Dil Toh Pagal Hai (Heyyy! I was in love with this movie for the longest time man!), Ek Chhoti Si Love Story (BLEAH! Why oh why did I watch it?? I still don't understand why Manisha Koirala roamed around at home in a singlet and when she wanted to go out, she'd put on a second singlet over the first one!), Guru (Bleah again!), Hum Saath Saath Hain (gawwwd have I ever wanted to kill Karishma more?), Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Jimmy (somebody actually watched Mithun-putra Mimoh???), Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (hated it alright!), Khushi, Laaga Chunari Mein Daag (Raja Sen's review said 'Laaga chunari se bhaag so I skipped it), Masti, Mela, Mujhe Kuchh Kehna hai (Actually I find Tushar so earnest I can never hate a movie with him in it), No Entry (Seriously, who the hell finds Bipasha hot? Yuck!), No Smoking, Om Shanti Om, Prem Granth, Rok Sako Toh Rok Lo, Shiva, Taal, Tauba Tauba (review's in the movie name, yeah?), Trimurti and Yaadein (Why oh why does Hrithik do these movies??).

Let's get to the bottom of this!

It's time for the more fun sequel to this poll - vote for the worst Bollywood movie you have ever watched!

Only entries with one movie name will be considered. So even if 90% of all Bollywood movies make you writhe in agony or simply walk out of the theatre in disgust, you gotta pick one and only one - the worst of the worst.

Results in the next post. Stay tunn-ed to the bar! ;)

ps: As usual, I have enabled comment moderation to avoid influence. So don't start yelling 'GOLD!' like the last time! :P

Be-car ki baatein

So one of my bestest friends just booked his first car and emailed Viv and me to tell us about it.

Ever since I read his email, I have been laughing non-stop. I swear I have never laughed so much at a joke that was on me.

This is how the email went:

"Btw, we just booked the car… our first car! :)

Viv, it’s a Volvo S40, 170bhp, leather interior, power seat with settings memory, power telescopic steering, Sports chassis with front & back spoilers, 6 airbags, 17” alloy wheels.

Sayesha, it’s a dark grey car."

After exploding into multiple bouts of helpless laughter, I remembered the reaction appropriate for an occasion like this. On behalf of the oft-stereotyped automobilically-challenged womankind of the world, I regained my composure and dignity, and for the record, in as offended a tone as I possibly could, went, "Sheesh! Double sheesh!"

Viv then proceeded to ask him technical questions about the car while I fumed in indignation. As if I had no further questions! Hmmmph!

Of course I had questions too!

One in particular.

Of all frickin’ colours, why grey??? :/



.

Atha Shri Mahabharat Kkkathaa

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten had been scouring the papers for an update on Ekta Kapoor's proposed Mahabharata. Finding nothing, she decided to get the news from the horse's mouth. She set up an interview with Ekta Kapoor and was there in Kkapoor Kkutir on time, armed with her notepad, scribbling away.

SSSK - Hi, Ekta!

Ekta - Hi, Kkkitten!

SSSK - We haven't heard from you since the news was out that you're remaking Mahabharata...

Ekta - Yeah, I've been busy working on the story...

SSSK - Working on the story? What's there to work out? It's the Mahabharata!

Ekta - Oh you don't expect me to just copy the first Mahabharata, do you?

SSSK - Uhh... you mean your version has a different story?

Ekta - Well, of course!

SSSK - How... different..?

Ekta - Quite! Firstly, it won't be called Mahabharata.

SSSK - Really? What would you call it?

Ekta - Kkissa Kkauravvonn Kka.

SSSK (shocked) - Kkkkyaaa???

Ekta (grinning) - Cool, huh?

SSSK - But why?? Shouldn't the Pandavas be in the title, if at all?

Ekta (winks) - Ah well, the Kauravas won by one letter of the alphabet! You know which one I'm talking about, yeah?

SSSK (rolls eyes) - Of course I do. I think the whole world does...

Ekta - Haha! Actually that's the reason I picked the Mahabharata and not the Ramayana.

SSSK - What do you mean?

Ekta - I like the characters in Mahabharata more.

SSSK - You do?

Ekta - Sure! I mean, look at the names! Kkurukkshetra, Kkauravas, Kkunti, Kkarna, Kkripacharyya, Kkrisshhna... What more could I ask for?

SSSK - Hmmm... So tell me more about the serial. Who's playing what?

Ekta - Well, I approached Kulbhushan Kharbanda to play Dhritarashtra, Kamini Kaushal to play Gandhari, Kirron Kher to play Kunti, Khushbu to play Madri, Karisma Kapoor to play Draupadi, Kareena Kapoor to play Rukmini, Kajol to play Subhadra, Kishen Kumar to play Duryodhan, Kay Kay to play Arjun, Kunal Kapoor to play Nakul and Kunal Khemu to play Sahdev. The background score was to be by Kailash Kher, KK and Kamaal Khan.

SSSK - That's an interesting mix. Any particular reason for choosing such a cast?

Ekta (grins) - Ahem...

SSSK - Sheesh. Why did I even ask?

Ekta - Ha ha ha!

SSSK - And did they agree to it?

Ekta - Well, not exactly. They didn't like the script so much.

SSSK - You mean the script you rewrote?

Ekta - That's right.

SSSK - Why not?

Ekta - Well, for starters, they thought that bringing back Abhimanyu from the dead was weird.

SSSK - You're bringing Abhimanyu back from the dead??

Ekta - Of course! How will audiences ever accept the death of an innocent boy?

SSSK - The audiences know the story of the Mahabharata!

Ekta (cheekily) - Well, they don't know the story of Kkissa Kkauravvonn Kka!

SSSK - And how do you intend to bring him back from the dead?

Ekta - Nothing special actually... just a simple trick I use in all my serials. Plastic surgery and amnesia make an awesome subplot. Don't you think?

SSSK - Sure sure... what other such 'subplots' do you have?

Ekta - Well, I don't like Kunti's characters too much. So I'll change that.

SSSK - Why don't you like Kunti's character??

Ekta - Well, I think she was too nice to Draupadi yaar!

SSSK - Too nice??

Ekta - Yeah, I'd make her more of an evil saas. And perhaps introduce a sister to the Pandavas to make it more interesting. Ah, a step-sister maybe? The two of them will harass Draupadi together.

SSSK - About what?

Ekta - Dowry, of course! What else do bahus in India get harrassed about?

SSSK - Hmmm... so what's going to happen to her?

Ekta - I'm still working on it. Perhaps they can set her on fire because of dowry? And I could bring in a new cheaper actress to play the post-fire part.

SSSK - Let me guess - plastic surgery and amnesia again?

Ekta - Hey, you're getting really good at this!

SSSK - Anything else I should be taking note of? Does your serial have a central idea like the original Mahabharata?

Ekta - Of course it does! How can a story work without a central theme? I will of course, reveal the theme in the end!

SSSK - The end? Do your serials ever end?

Ekta - Well, eventually there will be an end. Something or the other will happen. Some actors will refuse to act the part of someone 40 years older than them, some will ask for more money, some will find it weird to have the female characters wearing heels in the forest, etc. etc. I'll end it then. With the central theme.

SSSK - Well, so what is the central theme?

Ekta - My goodness, Kkitten! You're useless. The central theme of my Mahabharata is the best part! It's the same as in the original!!

SSSK - Well, what is it??

Ekta - It's all about Kkkkarma, of course!

The one - revealed!

Elections are over. The votes have been counted by an objective and impartial panel comprising... The Bhai.

And here's what we have got.

The 3rd place is shared by...






















and...

The 2nd place goes to...






















And the grand winner is...............























Thanks for playing, everyone! This was fun! Some day let's do the 'Worst movie ever' poll! :P

ps: I have released the comments in the last post, so you can see the other contenders.