Monday, June 16, 2008

Papa, don't cook!

So today Clueless and I were making pav bhaji when we started talking about dads and how much of a disaster most of them are in the kitchen. Now I will not go into which story of her dad's culinary skills she shared with me, mainly because ahem, her dad reads my blog. But I will share the stories of my dad's kitchen karnaame, mainly because mine doesn't read my blog.

Childhood Story #1

So mom was away at grandma's place for a short vacation. My sister and I did not go with her as school term was on. So dad was in charge of us. I was perhaps all of six and my sister about ten. We'd staged a dharna to protest against the boiled salted vegetables that dad was trying to pass off as sabzi for the past three days. And so he decided to make something fancy.

"I will make chicken chulbuli today." He beamed as he put down the bag of groceries.

"Chicken what?!" my sister and I chorused.

"Chulbuli. Chicken chulbuli. It's my creation."

My sister and I looked at each other in horror. That would have been a good point to run away from home, but we persisted in the hope that mom would come back soon and nourish her starved children back to the pink of health.

Under our curious and horrified stares, dad put the chicken in the pressure cooker with some salt, and added a very large tablespoon of turmeric powder. He then shut the cooker and put it on the gas.

I shook my head at my sister. She looked at me helplessly.

A couple of whistles later, the pressure cooker was opened. The large tablespoon of turmeric had kinda solidified and was balanced precariously over the thigh of the chicken. Dad drained the water and put it in bowls in front of us.

"Soup." He smiled at us.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" We stared at the bowls in horror. But he looked so proud that we didn't want to break his heart. However, one spoon each of the 'soup' was enough for us. Seeing how I was close to bawling and my sister was close to calling (mom), dad finished the soup himself. Then came the chicken. The less said about it, the better.

Let's just say that after this, Mom never went anywhere during school term again.

***
Childhood Story #2

Mom and I had gone shopping and when we came back, we saw dad and his colleague in the living room. After greeting them, mom and I went to the kitchen and dad joined us shortly.

"Did you offer him any food or drinks?" Mom asked.

"Oh yes, I served him sherbet." Dad said.

"You did? Really? Wow!" Mom looked at him proudly.

"Yeah, it's so simple. I just took the bottle from the fridge and poured it into a glass for him. Bas!"

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" Mom looked horrified.

"What? What??" Dad asked.

"Did he say anything??" Mom asked, wincing.

"No, he chup chap drank it all up. Why, what happened??"

"That was Rasna concentrate!!!!!"

***

The best chefs in the world may be men, but the number is negligible compared to the number of dads with tragic culinary skills.

Got any tragedies to share?



32 comments:

Sanchit said...

GOLD..

Pooh! said...

On the contrary, my dad was a decent cook whenever mom left the kitchen to him. From making perfect dosas to chicken curry, to snacks he was a good chef.
So guess I have no stories on this category to share.. never seen my granddad attempt to cook.

raghu said...

brrrroonnnzzzzzzzzz!

my dad cooks once twice a month.. i think hes good cos its a ice change from moms cookin dats all.. like if we ate wat he cooked everyday.. we'd get bored of that too.. there is no food but cheese dat i can eat evryday n continue to like :D

Urv said...

My naani accidently served me chai-bhaat when mommy was away. She had mistaken rice for salt :D Luckily, my wisdom came to my rescue :D

maxdavinci said...

OMG OMG chicken chulbuli!

yor dad is a rockstar! beats the palak salad that my dad once made where he tore the palak with his bare hands, added salt, pepper and lemon. Palak salad ready!

Reema said...

Ohh so true..once my mom was ill and my dad decided to cook dinner. But he doesnt has the patience to cook. He didnt wait for oil to heat up and put 3 pieces of fish and all got stuck together ..it was a disaster!!

Hetro said...

ROTF!!

sumgum said...

My Dad is a good cook....he cooks decent food....:)

The funny part is...he usually puts every masala present in the masala box in everything....:)....but surprisingly...watever he makes turns out to be great...:)

Blue Bike said...

I loved the name "Chicken Chulbuli" :D :D

my dad is a decent cook so no incidents to share, though the tiffinwala at my hostel used to come up with his own special names, listing a few:

- Paneer Zalzala

- Lucknowi Bhindi

- Chole Kanjiwaram!!!!

- Kargil (it was an oversized gulab jamun)

Bivas said...

lots n lots of interesting recipes invented under Dad's expert supervision...
...but then thankfully that's wot he does...he literally directs and choreographs the whole sequence of cooking a dish...at least that way the one taking the instructions (usually one of us bros) has a more than outside chance of improvising ;-)

Stupidosaur said...

hetro said
//ROTF!!

Seems Sayesha fed him her dad's cookings. So poor fellow got bellyache and is just Rolling On The Floor convulsively, not Laughing.

Why is my reptilian brain associating the word 'belly ache' above with 'nach baliye'?

~vagabond~ said...

ROFL @ "chicken chulbuli" Bwahahaha! :D
OMG...I've totally done the Rasna goofup too! But in my defense, I was all of seven years old...and my mum was not at home and there was that Rasna bottle staring at me in the fridge calling out my name, and I just couldnt resist. My mum was horrified when she found out. Needless to say, it was a reaaally long time before she let me loose near a bottle of Rasna again.
My dad on the other hand, doesnt even have the patience to boil milk. I remember how one he burnt my mum's favorite saucepan when she asked him to watch the milk while it was boiling. That's exactly what he did...watch it boil..and boil over...and boil some more. :P

chanakya said...

My dad's a better cook than my mom. Must be all those days in hostel.

I on the other hand am a disaster when it comes to cooking.

Kanan said...

Ahahahahaha! chicken chulbuli was the funniest... hahahahah (can't stop laughing). Mine's pretty boring, only thing he's experimented is chai and that he eventually ended up mastering because of the need for survival. I have more adventures of mine that deserve to be in some book some day! Speaking of the drinks, I remember visiting my aunt and drinking up the white vinegar from the fridge thinking it was water. I complained to her later that her water had gone bad. :P

Soham Shah said...

my dad has never put a step in our kitchen till date so wont be able to contribute much ..

But it was a nice funny post .. Chicken chulbuli was fun .

venkatesan said...

No problem! please spill the beans!!

Ranjini said...

haa haa...that was quite hilarious...but I must say...ur dad is really creative with the naming of the dishes.. atleast..:)
I really dont have any stories of mine to share as Dad is a decent cook and me and my sis looked fwd to the days when he had to cook..like when Mom was out of town or ill....
But if it comes to my cooking skills....well... the less said the better ..:((

Macho Girl said...

Each time anyone narrates kitchen tragedies with dad, i am taken by surprise! I actually urge my dad to quit his job and open a pasta place!!! :P He is an amazing cook generally but his italian dishes are super duper awesome! :D

Prats said...

ROTFL!!!!!!!

Neha Malhotra said...

Okay! Chulbuli Chicken. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My Dad's an excellent cook. Cooks a few things better than mom and me, really. So, no contributions.

But if I have to tell a few funny stories about Dad. Then there is this one in which me and mom jumped up on the couch after seeing a rat. And called for Super-Dad. You should have seen how he hopped on the couch to save his life. =)

Aww... Dad's canbe so adorable (and funny).

Shan said...

ohh bhai, could not stop laughing on this => 'Let's just say that after this, Mom never went anywhere during school term again'.
Really njoied it, thanks for making me :))))........

Preethi said...

Oh I have one!
Hubby wanted to surprise me with dinner one evening when I was late from work.
Broccoli sambar was the wonder dish. Over cooked broccoli in a dal free, tomato free broth; his take- its green,its healthy!
Lets just say I'm trying to catch the earliest train home everyday.
Ok, the thought counts(though i wish the thought were less cooked n had some flavour).

Cheers....Preethi

Clueless said...

Bwahaha. Maybe I should spill the rasam. Oops, I meant ... beans. :P

shub said...

My Dad's makes the world's best upma! Even better than Mom's. I miss it! :'(

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

lol!
but my dad's a great cook too! occasional, but good. the only problem is the mountain of dishes he leaves after he cooks..

soleil said...

The only reasons my dad steps into the kitchen is to ask why dinner is not ready yet or to steal a bite before dinner is actually served :p

Sayesha said...

#Sanchit,
Ufff! Le apna medal! :P

#Pooh!,
Haha! Lucky you! :)

#raghu,
:)

#Urv,
Hahahahaha! Chai-bhaat it seems! :D

#maxdavinci,
Hehehehehe! Awesome recipe for palak salad! Hahahahaha! :D

#Reema,
Yeah man! I'm amazed that they have the guts to start off with non-veg when they can't even make decent veg food! :P

#Hetro,
No L? :D

#sumgum,
Lucky you! :)

#Blue Bike,
Hahaha! Awesome names man! Must be a damn creative cook! I especially like the Zalzala bit! Hahaha! :D

#Bivas,
Ah! That's not too bad then! :)

#Stupidosaur,
Oye! Khabardaar jo mere bewdon ka mazaak udaya! Yeh haq sirf apun ka hai! Muahahahaha! :D

#~vagabond~,
LOL at the 'watch the milk' story! Your dad rocks too! :D

#chanakya,
//I on the other hand am a disaster when it comes to cooking.

I guess some day your kid will be blogging about your cooking? :D

#Kanan,
//I complained to her later that her water had gone bad. :P

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG! Water gone bad??!! HAHAHAHAHA! :D

#Soham,
Thanks! :)

#Venkatesan,
Hehehehe! I will let Clueless do the honours! :D

#Ranjini,
//haa haa...that was quite hilarious...but I must say...ur dad is really creative with the naming of the dishes.. atleast..:)

Haha! Yeah that's all he possesses! :P

#Macho Girl,
Whoa! Cool! Did you inherit any of it? :D

#Prats,
:D

#Neha,
Hehehehe! :P

//Dad's canbe so adorable (and funny).

Totally! :)

#Shan,
Thanks! :)

#Preethi,
Broccoli sambar??? Hahahahahha! :D :D :D

#Clueless,
Go ahead go ahead! Make your Dad proud? :P

#Shub,
Whoa!! Can you make it? Next kab ghar aa rahi hai?? :P :P

#Ipanema Girl,
//the only problem is the mountain of dishes he leaves after he cooks..

Hehehehe! There has to be a catch somewhere eh? :P

#Soleil,
Hahahhaha! :D

shub said...

See upma is a fairly unpopular dish when it's made well. I shudder to think of the consequences when it's not! :P Can try though! :)

Stupidosaur said...

//Oye! Khabardaar jo mere bewdon ka mazaak udaya! Yeh haq sirf apun ka hai! Muahahahaha! :D

OK Bhai.
Unka 'Mazaak' udane ka haq aap rakho.
Unki 'Patang' udane ka haq mujhe de do.

Fir mein bas unki khinchunga. Aur kuchh nahin.

Bas itna sa khwab hai...*whistling*

V said...

The Rasna concentrate....I drank that once. Go ahead, laugh :|

nits said...

ROFL.... i found the rasna disaster really funny... can't stop guessing the condition of guests...

Whattteverrrr ! said...

Welll...in my mom's absence..my dad bolied some spinach in a pressure cooker with a pinch of salt...and served the water as soup...my brother(age7) was so horrified he accompanied mother on all her solo trips after that...once more when i was at mercy of my dads cooking (Bro was with mom..smart kid)...he made some raseeli Bhindy (lady finger)...aka bhindy cooked in water....if you dont know what it looks/tastes like...imagine bhindi pieces in glue... I still thank our neighbours for feeding me in my mothers absence... that day onwards i knew i need to learn cooking...