The old and the beautiful

Ad director R Balakrishnan (RB) has just finished filming ‘Cheeni Kum’ – a Bollywood movie starring Amitabh Bachchan, Tabu, Paresh Rawal and Swini Khara (the kid who plays the character of ‘Sexy’). The topic is bold - a 64-year-old man in love with a 34-year-old woman - but RB thinks the topic is fresh and will work.

Meanwhile, Ram Gopal Varma's 'Nishabd' featuring the same Bachchan romancing an 18-year-old releases at about the same time as Cheeni Kum is supposed to. Nishabd bombs badly at the box-office.

Ram Gopal Varma (RGV) sits in his old tattered office where the walls are covered with old posters of Urmila and Antara Mali in various contorted postures. He looks at the box office results of Nishabd, laughs and cries at the same time. Then he picks up the phone.

RB's phone rings.

RB - Hello?
RGV - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RB - Hello? Hello? Who's this?
RGV - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RB - Hello?? Is that you, RGV?
RGV - Muahahahahaha!
RB - Hello? Hello?
*click*

RB, furious and panicky, calls up everyone associated with the movie. Tabu can’t make it because Hollywood’s come-a-knocking on her door after watching her in ‘The Namesake’. Paresh Rawal is away shooting for ‘Phir hera pheri, phir se’. Amitabh Bachchan (AB), Swini Khara (SK) and music composer Illayaraja (IR) are seated on the couch. RB is pacing the floor. Sayesha Smitten showbiz kitten is perched on a branch just outside RB's living room window, furiously noting the proceedings.

RB – Guys, I have called you here to tell you something. We have to delay the release date of Cheeni Kum.

AB – Hain? Why?

RB (frustrated) – Why? You’re asking me why?? Amitjeeeeeeeeeee....... it’s you!

AB - What?? Me? What did I do??

Before RB can answer, AB gets a call. He speaks in hushed tones. “Gopal pan masala ad? Hmmm… I don’t really do pan masala ads… Abhishek? No I don’t think I want him to do it either. Hmmm… wow that’s a huge fee… well, I can spare Aishwarya to do it… chalega?”

RB (angrily turns to Illayaraja who’s singing something to himself) - And you...! You you you!

IR - Uh? Me?

RB - I hired you for this movie because I am a diehard fan of yours. And guess what? I just found out you recycled your own songs from old Tamil movies like Mouna Raagam for Cheeni Kum!

IR (sheepishly) - Well, they're nice songs, aren't they? Besides I thought... before someone else remixes them... I should... uh.... umm...

RB - And you've repeated the same songs in different voices many times over!

IR - Well, everyone's doing it... I just wanted to keep up with the times...

RB - But you could have told me about the recycling of the songs...

IR - Well, I didn't think I'd have to. You claimed you're a diehard fan of mine. If you're such a big fan, how come you had not heard my old songs then?

RB - Errrm...

SK (giggles)

AB is off the phone and RB now turns to him.

RB - Why why why Amitjee??? Why didn't you tell me you were doing Nishabd on a similar storyline??

AB - Errm... well, I gave all my endorsements to junior, so I had err... no work... so I signed up for whatever came my way...

RB - But you could have told me it had the same storyline as Cheeni Kum!

AB - Erm... I didn't know the storyline of Nishabd myself till we err... started filming.

RB - You mean you didn't see the script? How could you sign a movie without a script?

AB (whispers to SK) - Errr SK, what does he mean by 'script'?

SK - The script has the details of the movie. The full story, all the dialogues, etc.

AB – Hainnn?? You mean actors get a copy of the script??

SK – Yeah they do.

AB - BEFORE they start shooting???

SK - Yeah. But only in Hollywood.

AB - Ah no wonder! Arre Balki, Nishabd was a Bollywood movie. You know how Bollywood movies work, the script is printed after the movie releases.

RB - But why did you sign up for it without knowing the storyline???

AB - Well, it was Ramu's film so...

RB – Ramu’s film? Ramu’s film?? You'd sign a Ramu film without knowing the storyline?? Did you not see Naach? Argh!

SK (dryly to AB) - Cut the crap yaar. You signed Nishabd because of the hottie Jiah Khan.

AB - What?? Jiah?? Oh my goodness no! Hehehe... no no no! There's no Jiah in my life! *gulp* Only Jaya, no Jiah! Only Jaya...

IR - Ooooh!

RB - What?

IR - That reminds me of that song of Rahman's! Beautiful song... he should totally recycle that... Jaya jaley jaan jaley...

SK – Dude, it wasn't that. It was 'Jiya jaley jaan jaley...'

IR - Oh yeah, Jiah jaley jaan jaley...

AB (glares) - Jiya jaley! JIYA! JIYA!

SK - Hahahaha! Someone's getting a little defensive!

AB (glares) – Hey you brat, why don't you try talking like someone your age? No wonder they cast you as the smartass kid in the movie who talks too much! You're a natural for the role!

SK – And no wonder they cast you as the lecherous old man going after the pretty young thing. You're a natural for the role!

AB - Excuse me?! What are you trying to say here, huh?

SK - Oh puh-leez. You know what I am trying to say. First Kajrare, then sexy Sam and then Jiah! Dude, the older you get, the younger your heroines do, eh?

AB - RB, did you hear that??

SK (sticks out tongue at AB, who reciprocates with the same gesture)

RB (furious) - STOP IT, PEOPLE!! We have a more pressing issue at hand!

Everyone shuts up and looks at RB with serious looks on their faces.

RB - We're screwed. Screwed. When I set out to make the movie, everyone told me ad directors can’t make full-length Bollywood movies. Ad guru Prahlad Kakkar once said, "I want to make a proper movie but my only stumbling block is that I always finish my objective in two minutes." I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And now… that… that Ramu is laughing at me! Everyone’s speculating whether Cheeni Kum will be a bigger flop than Nishabd!

AB - Come on now! This movie is totally different from Nishabd! I don’t have a ponytail in Nishabd, but in Cheeni Kum I do! Remember how I hated the idea, but you made me do it? By the way, I still think it makes me look like a dork!

SK - Well, it's better than your stupid wig in 'Boom', isn't it?

AB glares at SK but looks sheepish.

RB (head in hands) - This movie is doomed! Doomed!

The lights dim as one by one, AB, IR and SK leave the room. RB still has his head in his hands.

***

Weeks later, Cheeni Kum finally releases. RB is pacing the floor when he hears it. The verdict is out.

RB takes his mobile phone out and scrolls through ‘recent calls’.

RGV’s phone rings.

RGV - Hello?
RB - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RGV - Hello? Hello? Who's this?
RB - Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki! Dhakki tiki!
RGV - Hello?? Is that you, RB?
RB - Muahahahahaha!
RGV - Hello? Hello?
*click*

***

Sayesha’s rating of Cheeni Kum - * * *

* Run for your life! And do not look back.
** Once-watchable (if you have nothing better to do).
*** Good stuff, watch it in the theatre.
**** Awesome! Watch it in the theatre AND buy the DVD!
***** Holy cow I can’t believe Bollywood came up with this one!!!!!!!!!