Out of the picture

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) gets a call from an association called 'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' -- a bunch of folks protesting the presence of 'phoren' actresses in Hindi movies. They have approached the powers that be and got permission to have these actresses go through a Hindi test, and only those who pass it would be allowed to work in Hindi movies. They selected SSSK to administer the test because they wanted, in their own words, "someone cheap and jobless". Ahem. The invites have already been sent out to affected actresses, and the date, time and venue have been fixed. SSSK quickly gets to creating the test questions.

On the day of the test, SSSK is stationed at the registration table when the folks from the association arrive. They collectively frown at the large banner that SSSK has put up. The banner says:

HINDI QUALIFYING TEST FOR HINDI MOVIES
PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY
THE HITCH-HIKER'S ASS

So they ask SSSK, "What on earth is that? What is hitch-hiker's ass??"

"Oh, I wanted to put something which the actresses would understand," says SSSK. "'Hindi Chalchitra Hindi Kalakar' kind of shortens to 'Hitch-hiker'. Besides, it is symbolic, isn't it?"

"Symbolic?" They ask.

"Oh yes! Since these actresses are kind of hitch-hikers who have hitched a ride on the Bollywood bus, it just makes sense, no?"

"Hmm... But what about the ASS?? What's that??" They ask.

"Oh I wanted to put 'association' but I ran out of space so I had to stop at 'ass'. And... this is symbolic too!" She says proudly.

"The ass is symbolic??"

"Oh yes. These people can't speak Hindi but act in Hindi movies. They only made it to our movies because of their good-looking asses, no?"

Various forms and stages of amusement, awe, confusion and disgust appear on their faces. Nevertheless, they walk in and take their seats.

A pretty actress walks up to the registration table.

SSSK (taking out her notepad and pencil) - Name, please.

Pretty actress - Jacqueline.

SSSK - Hold on, let me write that down. D-R-Y-C-L-E-A-N.

Jacqueline - Dryclean?? Excuse me, I am not Dryclean. I am Jacqueline. Jacqueline Fernandez. Former Miss Sri Lanka. I am in the new Murder movie.

SSSK - Ah ok. Sorry sorry. Please take your seat.

Another pretty actress walks in.

Giselle - Hi, I am Giselle.

SSSK (writes down laboriously) - G-CELL. Hehe! Your name sounds like a battery, no?

Giselle (gives SSSK a dirty look and proceeds to her seat) - It's Giselle. Giselle Monteiro.

SSSK - Next!

Barbara - Hi, I am Barbara. Barbara Mori.

SSSK - Heh heh! Barbara Mori, main nahin maakhan khayo...

Barbara - Excuse me?!

SSSK - If you knew Hindi, you'd get the joke. Sigh...

Barbara takes her seat just as Katrina Kaif walks in, looking furious.

Katrina - Why am I here??? Why do I have to take the test? I have worrrked in so many Hindi movies!!

SSSK - Memorising the dialogues is a different thing, Katrina. This test is for your knowledge of Hindi.

Katrina - Oh please. Mera Hindi achi hai. Mujey yahin test kar lo?

SSSK - Ok fine. Katrina, tum shuddh Hindi mein ek vaakya ka nirman karo.

Katrina (aghast) - Wha... What shuddh... Vaakya... Nirma... You mean the deterrrgent powderrr?

SSSK - I rest my case. Please take your seat.

Katrina takes her seat, fuming.

The test begins.

SSSK - This is a buzzer round. I will name some Hindi movies and you have to tell me what the name means. Whoever presses the buzzer first will get to answer first. Twenty points for the correct answer, minus ten for the wrong answer.

The actresses exchange puzzled looks with one another.

Barbara - Buzzer? Where's the buzzer? All we have in front of us are steel plates and spoons...

SSSK - Ah yes, that is the buzzer. Our budget is a little low, you see...

The actresses roll their eyes but quickly pick up the plates and spoons.

SSSK - Hmm... so the first move name is 'Nagin'. If you know its meaning, press the buzzer NOW.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - I know! I know!

Other actresses look at her jealously.

SSSK - Very well, Jacqueline. What does 'nagin' mean?

Jacqueline (confidently) - It means "Don't count." Correct??

SSSK (makes a face) - Minus ten.

Jacqueline (indignantly) - But... but... Na gin... Don't count...

SSSK - Next word - Aatish.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Ummm... I know this one!

SSSK - Excellent. So what does Aatish mean?

Barbara (confidently) - An incomplete sneeze!

SSSK (rolls her eyes) - Minus ten. Next word - Parampara.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one. It's the sound made by a trumpet!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Rajnigandha.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Uhhh... It is when superstar Rajnikanth forgets to bathe...?

Some of the association folks look horrified.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Khandaan.

Katrina (clangs plate) - Of course I know this one. It's what Salman donated to the Being Human foundation. Khan daan.

SSSK - Sigh... Minus ten. Next word - Baghban.

Giselle (clangs plate) - Ummm... When you are disallowed entry into a garden 'cos you plucked the flowers?

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Banaras.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Easy-peasy. It means "Make juice."

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Bemisal.

Barbara (clangs plate) - Countries that signed the nuclear non-proliferation treaty?

SSSK - What?! Oh! Be-missile... Hmmm... creative, but still minus ten. Next word - Dastak.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! My Hindi teacher says "Dastak gino" all the time. Dastak means 'until ten'!!!

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Hawalaat.

Giselle (clangs plate) - I know this one! I was trained in Brazillian kickboxing. It means kickboxing. Hawa laat.

SSSK - Minus ten. Next word - Naraaz.

Jacqueline (clangs plate) - Ha! I know this one! I am starring in Raaz 3 you see. Naraaz means 'no secrets'.

SSSK - Sigh. Mere Bollywood ka kya hoga... Last word - Qurbani.

Katrina (clangs plate) - I know this! I go for it all the time, especially before the release of some of my movies.

SSSK - WHAT??!!

Katrina - Yup, at the gurrrudwarrra.

SSSK - Qurbani at the gurudwara????!!!!!!

Katrina - Yeah. It's soothing, isn't it?

SSSK (almost falls off her chair and then has a sudden realisation) - OH!!!! You mean gurbani. PHEW!!!! AND... MINUS TEN!!!

Katrina - But I answerrred corrrectly... Didn't I?

SSSK (ignores her) - Okay, it's the end of the quiz. And all of you have flunked it. Hopeless. HOPELESS!! I want to disqualify all of you but I have been asked to pass at least one. Just so the Hindi Movies Dubbing Association (also known as DubAss) won't lynch me for taking away their jobs. I'll give you one last chance. Each of you write down the names of 5 hindi movies and remember to spell them correctly. The one who scores the most will pass.

Barbara, Jacqueline and Giselle whisper amongst themselves. "Not fair... Katrina has been around for so long... we are newbies..."

SSSK (eavesdrops) - Remember, the spelling is key. You have to spell it exactly the way it is spelt in the movie.

SSSK tears a sheet off her notepad for each actress. She clangs a plate and they get busy writing. SSSK walks around, invigilating. The actresses are nervously trying to remember the names of the movies mentioned in the buzzer round. Jacqueline has written one word 'Nagin'. Giselle is trying hard to spell 'Parampara'. Barbara has written 'Be-missile'.

At the end of the test, SSSK collects the 'test papers' and quickly marks them. Katrina Kaif is announced the winner. Apparently she has aced the test. Katrina punches the air and leaves the room. The association folks and SSSK also leave.

The other actresses gather to discuss. "How did she ace the test?? Even if she managed to think of 5 Hindi movies, how did she get the spelling right???? With all the numerology stuff, it's not easy to spell the names of Hindi movies anymore!"

Suddenly they spot the test papers still lying on SSSK's desk. They make a mad dash for Katrina's sheet and find the following written on it:

Race
Welcome
Blue
New York
Partner