Tough stuff

"This?"

"Uhh..."

"Come on!"

"Uhh... okay."

"This?"

"Errr..."

"It's going."

"Sigh... okay fine."

"This?"

"Noooooooooooooo!"

"Why not??"

"Because."

"Uh huh?"

"It's my first walkman."

"Hmmm..."

"And my last too."

"You have an ipod!"

"Precisely. This is a part of old memories."

"You're never going to use it."

"I know!"

"Then?"

"Then what?"

"Throw it."

"Nooooooooooo!"

"Why not??"

And thus went on the recurring loop.

It was just Viv trying to convince me to throw some old stuff. Before we moved into this house, we threw tons of stuff. Yet, after we moved in, we realised that there was so much more to throw. We may have removed the first layer of stuff - the obviously useless kind - but there was the second layer. Of stuff that's a little closer to our hearts, and a little harder to get rid of. Even though we know it's high time we let go, we just can't.

Dad says, "If you didn't unpack something in one house, it's highly unlikely that you will unpack it in the next house. Throw it." Very practical advice, and very useful in my childhood when we moved from one city to another every two years.

However, now that I have no plans to move anymore, it gets a little difficult to be heartless and throw that carton which contains... well, I'm not quite sure what it contains, but I'm sure it has something useful. You see the point?

Maybe it's human nature. The inability to pick something up and, devoid of emotion, throw it out. Forever.

And this is not limited to inanimate objects.

The other day, I was waiting at the bus stop, when I noticed a colleague coochie-cooing with her boyfriend. So I did what I do in uncomfortable situations like this. Before she could notice me or notice that I had noticed them, I started fiddling with my mobile phone. Five minutes of reading old sms messages, and the bus still wasn't there. Damnit. So I started to go through my phonebook. To my surprise, only about one-third of the names were recognisable.

There were names that I absolutely could not place. Mr. Chong*, Crystal*, Dr. Josephine*, three Joans*, Richard*, Priyanka*, Harish* - who were these people??

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of people I don't think I know.

So I got rid of all the names that I couldn't recognise. And that included some really odd entries - Bugis manicure, Dial-a-biryani (?!), Hotel Crown Prince, Amore gym, Agent Regina, River Walk Tandoor, Tru Spa. First layer. And then came the hard part - the second layer. Of deleting the ones that I actually did recognise. There were only a couple of such names (phew!), but I did have a tough time deleting them. Names that brought back memories of bad friendships, fallouts, bitter endings. And each time the phone asked me, "Delete?" I hesitated. Maybe I could keep them? Maybe we would get in touch eventually? Maybe we would want to get in touch some day?

And then I asked myself sarcastically - Really? You think?

And the answer, the really honest one, was - No.

I don't. I don't think I will ever get in touch with them. I don't think I will ever want to get in touch with them. I don't think they will ever want to get in touch with me. I don't think us getting in touch is a good idea. Forgive and forget is not as easy as it sounds. And one doesn't go without the other. You can't forgive and move on if you can't forget. Some friendships are not forever, and the sooner we understand this, the better it is for our peace of mind. And also important for peace of mind is to let go. Out of sight is indeed out of mind. To let go of memories and things that bring up these memories. Grudges. Negative thoughts. Anger. Frustration. Gotta throw them. Get rid of them. Just like old cartons that take up space. Just like old numbers that take up phone memory.

Life is too short to get too idealistic and too emotional. In our neverending struggle to find happiness, why do we want to cling to things that make us far from happy?

Viv suggested that we should throw five things each week. I readily agreed because I thought that included things like banana peel after you've eaten the banana, etc. but apparently not. He meant stuff - real stuff.

I'm still getting used to this thoughtless throwing of stuff in the house, but I think I'm getting better at it. And at the same time, I'm getting marginally better at throwing all the other stuff too. Stuff that's in the heart and mind. And just like the house, the heart and mind feel cleaner. Lighter.

I suppose just like you gotta throw stuff before moving in, you also gotta throw stuff before moving on.