Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The screwed-up system that actually works fine

Remember that quote we used to write in our friends' autograph books when we were young?

"Friendship is like chinaware
Beautiful, fragile and rare
Once broken, can be mended
But the crack is always there"

And then we grew up and these quotes started to appear silly. We started to behave all mature and diplomatic. We started to pretend we did not see the cracks.

However, at times I feel that I may have natured in many ways, but when it comes to my friends, I lose about 20 years of my age.

Even though I have become more cynical of friendships over the years, and I have very few friends who I'm really really close to, but I love them, get angry with them, miss them, get jealous when they get close to someone else, accuse them, hurt them, fight with them, forgive them, ask for forgiveness and often get very silly and emotional about them.

And the most amazing thing is - I do all these things not just with people I know, but even with my blog friends, people I have never met before, but some of whom I cherish deeply.

What scares me is that contrary to my belief, I may never meet them in this lifetime.

But other than that, they're as much my friends as my real-life friends are. The funniest thing is - I have even had such major fights with a few of my blog friends that they have ended in fallouts. And I often wonder - do, or rather, can grown-ups really have fallouts with people they have never met??

Sometimes we take certain liberties with our friends, we say and do things that we don't mean in the way it is received. And we don't realise they may have hurt our friend. And if our friend does not talk about it, we just move on not even realising that a friend is still nursing a wound caused by our words. It's only when one fine day, we're hurt by our friend's words, and we don't talk about it, that we realise that our friend does not even realise we're still nursing a wound caused by his/her words.

If you're fortunate enough to be able to bring it out and talk about it, things may heal for good. Sometimes you can forgive easily, sometimes you are forgiven easily. But at other times, it's not so easy. And it's tempting to sweep the matter under the carpet. We may feel that's the mature thing to do. Just forget about it. But if we can't forget, why pretend? What's the point in being all mature and grown-up, if the problem is still gnawing at the back of our minds? By pretending to be okay when we're not, we're being unfair not just to ourselves but also to our friend who thinks we're okay. Sometimes, a fallout is better than a friendship held together for the mere sake of holding it together.

Over the years, I've come to realise that fallouts are not personal failures. If you can't forget, there is no point forgiving. You just have to move on. Don't look back - just let it go.

But what I am glad about is that there are certain friendships where you can have a fallout, you can patch up, and surprisingly, the crack will not be there. The only problem is that such friendships are extremely rare. Chemistry like that happens only if you're very very lucky.

I guess it's part of the package. You hurt your friends. Your friends hurt you. Fallouts happen. There's no way out of it. That's how the system works.

Luckily, there's something so endearing about the bond of real friendship, that when we find friends who really matter, we just find a way to work around the screwed-up system.



52 comments:

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

look who's first! YAYYYYYYY

as for your post....i dunno re. i have become largely cynical over the years. wish i had that much fondness left. i let things go just because i don't have the strength or patience to confront or demand an explanation. but i follow one cardinal rule- i know my friends would've never said/done a thing with an intent to hurt. if they did end up hurting, that's another story.
ah stop my rant!
:-) (})

raghu said...

i dnt think so.. frnds dnt wanna hurt u.. u hurt em on purpose den u dun cal em frnds.. dats not fair..but frnds dnt wanna hurt u..
n i do wat tgfi does.. let it go,.. time heals evry damn thing.. abs evrythin.. so i dnt sit n fite ovr stuff dat has happend.. its a waste

Di said...

true many a time...we hurt r friends unintentionally and its swept under the carpet or wherever else..and that causes a small crack that we dont even realise exists..but it does exist for the other person..and wen it all acumulates it becomes a huge thing and the friendship crumbles under pressure..sad but true.. :(

Anoop Sundaram said...

well it does appear true for all good relationships... friendship is ofcourse one of em.. relationships where u take the other for granted and get possessive abt always has such reactions... the only work around for this screwed up system wht i have known is to communicate and well as u have said, with people who really matter "it sure works"

Avs said...

i can so agree with u...I have just gotten back with one great friend of mine after being out of touch for 2 years.

Inder said...

true. but it can be prevented by keeping everyone at an arm's distance away. be it friend or anybody for that matter. that way, we don't get entangled in messy emotions. that way, they can't hurt us much and we can't hurt them back. rationality can prevent the sufferings of emotionality. :)

PizzaDude said...

//Sometimes, a fallout is better than a friendship held together for the mere sake of holding it together.
Am starting to believe in this off late.. Loved this post.

The Pirate said...

Too muchhh post. Awesome. Every word is damn true. you rock sayesha.

Sakshi said...

YEs.I think if you truly care, you bring things out in open and talk about it. Every relationship needs work and ignoring a problem just allows it fester and grow. True friends find a solution and learn to forgive and forget.
On another note - I sgree with you about blog friends. I have not met most of my blog buddies but I share their joys and sorrow as I would with a "real" person.

oxymoron said...

true true true!

to err is human,
to apologize (not forgive) is divine!
to forgive AND FORGET is superdivine!

its very tough to forgive n forget!

saty said...

" hey bhai hua kya?"..have you just lost a friend or found one?...a very thoughtful post, felt the thoughts were in respect to someone :) sahi na?

Bivas said...

"...there are certain friendships where you can have a fallout, you can patch up, and surprisingly, the crack will not be there..."
I will go a step further here...not only will the cracks not be there...but in fact the bond wud be even more stronger...just like fevicol kaa mazboot jod :-) Reason is simple...both of u wud have exposed ur vulnerable side to each other and hence know each other like the back of ur hand.
Sometimes we hv disagreement in relationships but seldom do we see fallouts...y shud it be ne different with friends...after all they are the relatives that we choose...right? :-)

Sneha said...

i have many people whom i call 'friends' or 'close friends' but i haven't been able to call a single person (except my sis) my 'best friend'. i think that is just because of the cynic in me who fears 'falling out' with that person and then i'll have no 'best friend'. so i guess i still have to wait till i find a BFF type person!
(er, watever ive typed seems a little out of context but i just felt like writing all this. so there.heee)

Rebellion said...

Great post Sash but wrong timing!
Will be back on this later.

Take care,
Aarti

TMaYaD said...

Donno what to say. I can totally identify with you. But still there is something missing, or is it just me?
hmmmm.............

Restless Rain said...

I think ur post so so rings true! When things get swept under the carpet, the crack still remains. But falling out might make things worse....

On the other hand, sometimes time heals wounds. So, friendship is a very subjective thing eh??

Anyway, superbly apt observation about friendships! U got me thinking....

Rays Of Sun said...

True!
Its so like a chinaware..BUT, just like Chinaware, even though one might take enuf liberties..there has to be a limit to everything!
Harsh words and words of sarcasm are the ones that act as 'stimulus' that can crack 'the chinaware/friendship'
One can sweep a lot of things under the carpet, but it always takes two to tango:D so if its forgotten by one, it shuld be forgotten by the other too:), which is RARE!
And those who figure out and try to see beyond all these r the ones who were probably succesful:)
In friendship, its never I, Me and WHat 'I'want!

Shekhar said...

Rightly put, Sayesha ji. And yep, even I'm not too certain whether I'll ever have the good fortune of meeting you, but I definitely am proud that I know a person who was fiercely honest with her blog posts.

Ok, now that the praising is done, what about that dinner we spoke about ?? ;) What say, friends ???? :)))

Nimrat said...

good thought.. friendship is a two way communication.. and if one won't communicate.. what can we do.. well we do find out if something is not right..with our friends.. usually.. cuz we care enough.. and for those.. jinka pata nahi lagta..truly speaking.. we fail to pay attention..cuz may be they are not that important to us at the moment..
kya kehte ho??

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Hmm... agreed with this partially, maybe because I belong to that category of people who like to state things in the face rather than nurse old wounds. :)

qsg said...

Great thought - I like to do everything to make relationships work - I believe in communication and still hurt when I lose a friend...a wee bit more cynical, but still an emotional food! :)

Hari said...

my blog friends, people I have never met before, but some of whom I cherish deeply.What scares me is that contrary to my belief, I may never meet them in this lifetime

Oh!Dear!Dear!!
Don't be cho chaad,Sayesha! I am coming on a business cum pleasure trip to Malaysia (KL to be exact)next week. This time next week, I would have just landed. So, don't you worry. Just somehow come to KL from Singapore. One full day you have time to take this blog friend of yours, all around Malaysia. Sure, I won't hurt you by offering to pay for anything you spend on me. PROMISE.

Ok?Now smile.Hmmm.Good girl.

bellydancer said...

hmm... this started me thinking about a friend who hurt me recently and I don't think she knows it... when I told another friend about it, she told me that I should not have a friend who might be 'toxic' for my mental and emotional health... but we have quite a history together... should I forgive or sweep it under the carpet and forget... aiyoh what a dilemma...

Hari said...

...and make sure you come to the airport on time. Else you may end up paying for the things I buy there during the time I wait for you. It might prove to be costly, as you see, these days I have my eyes on a Canon digital SLR.

:P

Anonymous said...

nicely timed post;).. i have a friend who has disappeared off the net for a week or so now!.. and he's one of those ppl i've never met ..and will probably never meet. Really miss talking to him.. (which i find strange too!) ..wonder where he is.
am worried :P.. and we dont even have any mutual friends..!:S

mysorean said...

Kya bhai,

Ek post main dosti ka haath baDhaya, aur doosre post main hi dara rahe ho! :P

Crack wak kuch nahi aanewala.. dost hai to dost hai bhai. bas! Jaise circuit aur munnabhai ki dosti!

Aur issi pe arz hai...
"Hum sochte the, machaliyan tadapti kyon hai paani se juda hokar...
machaliyan tadapti kyon hai paani se juda hokar...
hume kya pata tha ki nazdikeeyan aadat, aur aadat zindagi ban jayegi!"

Nirwa said...

Rahim's Doha goes something like this..

Rahiman dhaga prem ka, mat todo chhatkay;
Tute se phir na jude, jude gaanth pad jaaye.


I have faced similar situations many times and at times, it is really hard to understand why the other person has done that! :-)

>:D<

Duhita said...

//What scares me is that contrary to my belief, I may never meet them in this lifetime.

Now thats he sad part!:(

But Sash, take up Hari's offer! Go on, go on!:D Then at least you can say 2 down, many more to go.... :D

Anonymous said...

wouldn't really sleep on how brilliant the blog is...i mean the fact that it cajoles a comment from a stranger like me says it all. KIU!
but i just had to say one thing...u don't really fill in the cracks coz u need to bring the matter up ur friend and u sometimes fear of bearing bad blood then...
on second thoughts i wonder how much we can call that person our friend if we can;t even voice our inner feelings...but u know what if there is a disagreement then things do get sour...and that is something u don;t want to come up...
gaush that;s like too much of confusion man...
ok will get my thoughts in order and write in again...
empty stomach doesn;t go too well with the brains....hehe
loks-the rj remember...:)

Disha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Disha said...

Friendship is the strangest of all relationships, you may fall out with a friend in the worst circumstances, but their memory will never leave your heart & you will always remember them all your life.
Does it really matter that you have met or not?

Anil said...

naah, friendship is too much overrated...

Strider said...

even if there are fallouts if you keep the channels of communication open things will eventually get better...
what the heck! someday down the lien we (as in the friends involved) may actually look back at the fallout and have a good laugh ...

what we must do is keep talking ...

Iday said...

my blog friends, people I have never met before, but some of whom I cherish deeply.What scares me is that contrary to my belief, I may never meet them in this lifetime
Tension math lena ka. Ek na ke din, tera "pani puri" zaroor milega ;)
err... that was a bit too much :D

But what I am glad about is that there are certain friendships where you can have a fallout, you can patch up, and surprisingly, the crack will not be there. The only problem is that such friendships are extremely rare.
U missed something. If this friendship is one of those rare ones, u actually end up geting closer than before with "the friend" after the fallout-patchup routine :)

As for the post - AWESOME.
or shud i "try" my hindi and say BINDAS ;)

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Kroopa Shah (Kr00pz) said...

Sometimes I have this weird feeling that we share minds. Seriously. How do you write so openly? I've been thinking of this for the past 6 months but you've written it so clearly I don't know what to say. This post is an image of what has been on my mind for the past 6 months. And I thank you for expressing it so clearly.

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satish said...

true. :)

Aysha said...

Mere muh ki baat cheenli..
Ur post was beautiful..

I dunno when will I start blogging like u.. Am just a fresher..
& believe me or not, U r my inspiration & my friends have been my moral boosters.

This post of urs is so very true.. It has really touched me..

& by the way thank u sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for leaving a comment on my 1st post..
I went euphoric seeing ur comment..
Thanx so much Sayesha.. :-)

Rohit Talwar said...

Don't look back - just let it go.
Only if it was easy.

Nice post. Don't know what to say.

the Monk said...

That sort of friendship comes with real understanding, I suppose.

Janefield said...

Clearing it up can only be a good thing. If it doesn't work to your expectations, atleast you know you tried and attempted to fix something that broke. Brushing everything under the carpet is not the ideal way to live life, and yes, communication is the key to all relationships, not just friendship. Else be prepared to spend a lifetime cleaning up under one very dirty rug!!

dharmu said...

hey sayesha bhai, all these days, your comment section was blocked to me. i dont know why, so new co. policy i guess.

bhai, just wanted to let you know that, aapka har post pada hai, who bhi boss ke naak ke ekdum neeche.

bolo, chocolate kab doogi???

(btw, i might be landing in singapore on my return trip to india, just wondering if i could meet you, as i was taking transit visa for a day)

Sayesha said...

#Ipanema Girl,
We've all become cynical re... friendship doesn't really seem like the incredibly great thing that it used to be when we were kids... kinda sad... but true...

#Raghu,
Noone wants to intentionally hurt a friend yaar... bas ho jata hai :)

#Di,
//and wen it all acumulates it becomes a huge thing and the friendship crumbles under pressure...

Precisely! Exactly what I've been thinking... the accumulating bit...

#Anoop,
Yes, it "sure works" but with very few people :)

#Avs,
:)

#Inder,
That's another strategy :)

#Pizzadude,
Thanks :)

#Pirate,
Thanks :)

#Sakshi,
Yeah I agree, even if talking it out may cause a fallout, it's still better than harbouring the hurt feelings secretly.

#Oxy,
Yeah... sigh... :)

#Saty,
Yeah, lots of random thoughts about a few people resulted in this post. :)

#Bivas,
//but in fact the bond wud be even more stronger...just like fevicol kaa mazboot jod :-) Reason is simple...both of u wud have exposed ur vulnerable side to each other and hence know each other like the back of ur hand.

Yep! :)

#Sneha,
Gosh I can TOTALLY identify with what you said! After my school days, I never had anyone whom I could call "my best friend".

#Aarti,
Okie babe... hope things are fine. Mail me.

#TMaYaD,
There's always something missing! ;)

#Restless Rain,
//But falling out might make things worse....

May or may not be true... I'd rather have a fallout with a friend than always harbour that little negativity about him/her in my heart... because sooner or later, it will all come out and then the crash will be even worse.

#ROS,
//so if its forgotten by one, it shuld be forgotten by the other too:), which is RARE!

Exactly.

#Shekhar,
Hahaha! Dinner? What dinner and all? Pehle starters chahiye - sadakchhaap panipuri! :P ~

#Nimrat,
//and for those.. jinka pata nahi lagta..truly speaking.. we fail to pay attention..cuz may be they are not that important to us at the moment..

Yeah, I think so too...

#Sudipta,
I wish I could be like that all the time... but I'm making an attempt now to speak up, rather than nurse my wounds by myself.

Sayesha said...

#QSG,
Can totally understand :)

#Hari,
Hahahaha! Nice try! Well, I can't make it to KL, but you can buy me something in KL and drop by Singapore, what say? ;)

#Bellydancer,
Lately I have been thinking too much about this, and I think that if it's something that's bothering you, and will bother you, don't sweep it under the carpet, because it will come out later.

#Hari,
Gosh, you haven't given up yet eh? :D

#Anonymous,
Oh! Hope you find your friend soon! I had a commentator called Tinku I was rather fond of, and he just disappeared into thin air! :(

#Mysorean,
Ideal case scenario hai tumhari baat mein :)

#Nirwa,
Rahim rocks! A little less then Kabir though :P
>:D<

#Duhita,
Hey, you're the one in Malaysia, you should be meeting him!! :)

#Anonymous,
Oh, you're back? Welcome back! :)
I did get the trend of your thought but will wait for you to come back :)

#Disha,
//their memory will never leave your heart & you will always remember them all your life.

I agree, though sometimes it's not a good thing to happen :)

#Anil,
Yeah... sometimes...

#Strider,
//even if there are fallouts if you keep the channels of communication open things will eventually get better...

No guarantee. I think that if you choose to speak up, you have to be prepared for anything. Things could become all right, or there could be a fallout.

#Iday,
//Tension math lena ka. Ek na ke din, tera "pani puri" zaroor milega ;)

Hahahaha! Thanks :D

#Kroopz,
Thanks yaar :)

#Satish,
:)

#Aysha,
Wow! Your soooooo is soooooooooooo long :P
Blogte raho! :)

#Rohit,
Yeah, it's not easy. But it's easier than pretending to be friends and feeling negative.

#The Monk,
Yup... very rare.

#Janefield,
Hmmm...

#Dharmu,
//bhai, just wanted to let you know that, aapka har post pada hai, who bhi boss ke naak ke ekdum neeche.

Hahahahahaha! Boss ke naak ke neeche kya kya karti hai tu, Harley Bhai! :D

//btw, i might be landing in singapore on my return trip to india, just wondering if i could meet you, as i was taking transit visa for a day

REALLY??? Apun Harley Dada se milega!!! WHEN??? :D :D :D Jaldi batao ok? Email me details at sayeshaz@gmail.com :)

Rebellion said...

Sash dear,

Don't worry, am fine. After all, RT is always COOL :)

Didn't comment coz am a bit too emotional about the subject! Though I agree with your post totally and as said before, beautiful one, very well written :)

Will mail you after sometime. Hope you got your well required break and no dissertation is eating up your weekend :)

Take care,
Aarti

Dev said...

Truly amazing post Bhai...
Bahut emotional hogaya apun... kya bhai.. image rakhne ka kya? ;)
Very true post though :)

Shivkumar said...

Hi Sayesha!

It's been quite sometime since I've been reading your interesting blog entries. But this one simply so touching and makes me write this comment and extend a hand of friendship with you. The points that you make here are so true and have been unfortunately unsaid for me. Thanks so much for wording it all. Thanks again!

Shivkumar

Ashish Gupta said...

u talking abt meeting?
I think you were gonna kick someone's ass in shaadi's mandap!!!! ;-)

:-j

educatedunemployed said...

Relationship works both ways.I consider a friendship one of the most delicate relationships of them all.
Like you correctly said, it has to be both ways.If you forget forgive, the same has to be done for you.If you are happy picking up the pieces the person across should be able to realise that wavelentgh and move along too.Else I think it is a lost cause.I disagree that any relationship can be worked around.One has to work really hard to maintain it.The cracks are always there, so what if you cannot see them.

raghu said...

oye i feel vrindh is bettr dan both kabir n rahim!