D is for Deca

So last week, Xena reached a major milestone -- 10 kg. I had waited for this for 2 years. She has finally reached the average weight. For a 1-year-old. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my 3-year-old finally weighs as much as an average 1-year-old. Sarcasm aside, you might know from my lamentations on this that her weight has always been a major concern for us as well as her entourage of doctors. From birth, she has been under the 3rd percentile for weight, and at the moment she's off the charts.

Most of the time I joke about her poor growth and complete lack of interest in any kind of food by saying that she is a photosynthesiser, but only someone who has gone through the same thing would know how frustrating a journey it is. I know of another mommy in a similar but slightly better situation, and she told me she broke down in front of her kid's teachers and begged them to make him eat something. Anything. I could empathise with her. I have not broken down yet, but I've come pretty close to having a breakdown. When you have a kid who only starts solids at 18 months, that too rather reluctantly, takes an hour to finish any meal and then promptly throws up afterwards, hates even junk food (her dietitian won't believe me when I tell her that Xena is not interested in ice-cream and cake and French fries and nuggets), takes a year to put on a few hundred grams, but falls sick often and promptly loses it all within a week, you're pretty close to losing it yourself.

I sure am thankful for a lot of things about her (the very fact that she made it is nothing short of a miracle), but unfortunately, her battles are not over yet. Running from pediatrician to dietitian to lung doctor to gut doctor, and coming across depressing terms like 'failure to thrive' just add to the depression. So do studies that say that the brain grows the most in the first few years and poor nutrition during this period can have permanent negative effects. I try not to think about it too much, but when I find myself struggling to pick up her 1-year-old and 2-year-old friends at the playground, or when I'm putting her clothes to dry and I see the tag that says 12 months, it serves as another grim reminder. And then I look at how lively and talkative and happy she is, and I forget it all. And then something else happens and I'm forced to think about it all over again.

A lot of people don't understand that this is not the usual 'My kid hates vegetables' situation. This is a more serious, almost a medical problem. Everyone thinks I'm joking when they ask me, "So what does she like to eat then?" and I say, "Nothing." People try to empathise and say some random reassuring words. I think they mean well, but it can get pretty infuriating. I'm patient with the mothers who ask "Have you tried giving her XYZ?" because it is helpful information (though I think my 'I have tried feeding her this' list is wayyyyyyy longer than 'I haven't tried feeding her this' list). But I think I've had it with mothers who tell me "Her weight is fine. I mean, compare it to her birth weight!" It really annoys me. I can't compare it to her birth weight. I can't use her birth weight as a reference for anything. It was 990 grams, for heaven's sake. Since most babies triple their birth weight by age 1, I should have expected her to be about 3 kg at the age of 1? I've also had it with mothers who tell me that "they can totally understand" because their kids are "only in the 70th percentile". I kid you not, I've encountered this a couple of times. Jesus, this is not how percentile works. This is not an exam that you aim for 100%. If you want your baby to be in the 100th percentile, you are mad. And if your baby is really in the 70th percentile, I'm the last person you should be complaining about it to.

Another thing I hear is "Weight is just a number. As long as she's happy and healthy, it's normal, don't worry." This actually makes sense, but the issue here is that she's happy, but not healthy. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle where her lungs get infected at the slightest trigger, making her lose weight and the doctors say that she needs to put on weight so her lungs get bigger and stronger. It is pretty frustrating, I can tell you. Yes, premature underweight babies do take a while to catch up with their peers, but in most cases it happens by the age of 2. Plus, how on earth does one catch up on weight gain without eating? I'd still not mind the poor weight gain if her height gain was okay. It is not. It is far from okay. I don't know where this is going really and on some levels, the future scares me.

"I suppose we have no choice but to give her more time," is all her pediatrician can say. Her dietitian is out of ideas. Peer pressure at school has helped a little but there are still days where she throws up breakfast and refuses to eat lunch, so the first nourishment she gets for the day is her pre-nap milk in the afternoon. The ball is literally in her court and all I can do until she is ready is to keep serving.

When she was about 2 years old and in a position to understand stuff, I tried to bribe her with a much-desired toy by telling her she could only have it if she ate well and reached 10 kg. I have it on record, actually.

This did help slightly because every time she refused food or milk, I'd tell her that the toy was waiting for her to hit 10 kg. And she seemed to open up a bit towards milk at least, if not meals.

So last week when I weighed her and saw the double digit for the first time ever, I was thrilled. I celebrated, but with caution. Because I know how prone she is to promptly losing whatever she gains. And sure enough, the next time I weighed her, she was 9.8 kg. So I did a mean mommy and told her that though her post-milk weight was 10 kg, she had to hit it pre-milk. We should not see any more single-digit weights, I told her. And my poor little baby calmly agreed to it without any fuss. And she did hit 10 kg pre-milk. Exactly 10.0 kg, as you can see.

So yesterday, I decided to give her the coveted strawberry toy set, or 'toby wala toy' as she used to call it when she first encountered it. But I weighed her before that and she was 9.7 kg. Great. I had half a mind to withhold the toby wala toy, but then better sense prevailed. My experience so far has only indicated that I have to live in the present and enjoy every moment that I have today. She had hit 10 kg and it was only fair that she got the toy.

Because, in the words of Bill Cosby, the past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.