Caught in the act

Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) has bagged the perfect assignment - a two-week internship in casting. She is assisting Madhur Bhandarkar in casting for his new movie about the 2011 cricket World Cup. She is excited. Not only will she get first hand experience in casting, she will also get to meet tons of actors who had refused her interviews, and also have a juicy article to boot.

She reaches the studio for the first meeting. Subramaniam, Madhur's other assistant, gives her a quick orientation.

Subramaniam - Myself Subramaniam. This is Madhur sir. This is script. This is camera. These are the cricketer sirs. These are the empty chairs. Actor sirs will be late as usual.

SSSK - Cricketers? The cricketers are here?!

Subramaniam - Of course. Madhur sir tends to get into controversies, no? That's why he prefers that the cricketers choose or at least agree on the actors who should play them.

SSSK - Ah, brilliant idea.

Two hours later, a few of the character actors start trickling in, but none of the big shot actors who had been shortlisted turn up. Finally, after everyone has settled down, the meeting begins. Madhur starts off by telling the cricketers that they will be discussing potential actors who can play them in the movie.

Yuvraj - Madhur, I have a question. Why do we need actors?? Why can't we just play ourselves?

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Madhur - Because I have seen you guys act in ads.

There is a murmur of general disagreement in the room.

Sehwag - Okay, forget the others. I am quite good I think. Did you see my acting in the ad with Ranbir? I thought I looked genuinely clueless, no?

Madhur - That's because you were genuinely clueless.

There is a murmur of general agreement in the room.

Suddenly Rakhi Sawant barges into the room.

Rakhi - Hello? Hello?

SSSK - Oh hi, Rakhi. What's up?

Rakhi - Who are you? Where is Madhur?

SSSK - I am assisting him in the casting for the World Cup movie. I think you are in the wrong studio...

Rakhi - I am in the right studio. I am here to audition.

SSSK - Huh? Audition for the role of?? There are no female parts in this movie. Erm, in spite of his name, Mahela is a guy, you know right?

Rakhi - Please. Mujhe pata hai. I am here to play the crackter of Poonam Pandey.

SSSK - Poonam Pandey?? The model who wanted to strip if India won??

Rakhi - Haanji.

SSSK - You want to strip in the movie??

Rakhi - Offo! Did she strip? Did I marry Elesh? Bolne aur karne mein bahut fark hai.

SSSK (to Madhur) - Hmmm... we can actually have her in an item song. What do you think?

Madhur - Oh yes. Good idea. But we need to get Poonam Pandey's okay on this.

Yuvraj - Haan toh bulao na. Baahar khadi hai.

Madhur - Baahar khadi hai?????? Poonam Pandey baahar khadi hai????

Gambhir (sighs) - Yeah. Finals ke din se hamare peechhe lagi hai. Hum jahan jaate hain, woh wahan aa jaati hai. Always ready to strip. Sigh...

Yuvraj - You are saying it like it's a bad thing!

Madhur - Subramaniam, please call her in.

Rakhi - Main bulaakar laati hoon.

Rakhi comes back a few minutes later.

Madhur - Where is Poonam?

Rakhi - Woh toh latter likhne chali gayi...

Madhur - Latter... I mean letter? Didn't she already write a ridiculous letter to the BCCI?

Rakhi - Haanji, they didn't reply na... so she wants to write another latter.

Sehwag - Okay guys, let's focus now. Madhur, who will play me?

Madhur - Emraan Hashmi. You guys look similar. And Mahesh Bhatt is the producer of the movie.

Sehwag - Oooh, serial kisser! Lekin woh kisko kiss karega? Movie mein toh sirf guys hain!

Rakhi - He batter not kiss me, Madhur. Ask Mika what heppens to pipal who kiss me!

Everyone ignores her.

Kohli - Who plays me, man?

Madhur - Oh, we will have the fillers for secondary characters like you, Raina and Munaf. You know, people like Tusshar Kapoor, Kunal Khemu, Shreyas Talpade, etc.

Kohli, Raina and Munaf leave the room, offended.

Gambhir - Aur main?

Subramaniam - Gautam sir, aap toh Gambhir sir hain... we will get a serious actor to play you. Heh heh!

Gambhir - Sheesh, that's seriously the saddest and most overused joke about my name...

Gambhir also walks out.

Dhoni - Ahem, I think we're forgetting the captain here! I want nothing less than SRK or Hrithik Roshan.

Madhur - Erm... actually we had Manoj Bajpai in mind... we want someone from the Bihar/Jharkhand area to bring authenticity to your small-town-fire-in-belly character.

Dhoni - Manoj Bajpai?????? As me??????? NO WAY!

Subramaniam - Dhoni sir, it's either Manoj Bajpai sir or Ravi Kishen sir...

Dhoni - Ravi Kishen the Bhojpuri movie guy??

Subramaniam - Yes, Dhoni sir...

Dhoni (sulking) - Manoj Bajpai it is.

Yuvraj - Oye! Mere saath aisa mat karna tum log! I want a bad boy to do justice to my bad boy image... Salman Khan. He even had a movie called Yuvraj!

SSSK - Yuvi, the movie was not Yuvraj, it was Yuvvraaj.

Yuvraj (gives her a dirty look) - Doesn't matter. I want Salman.

Subramaniam - Yuvraj sir... Salman sir is too expensive after Dabangg... we're going with Suneil Shetty sir.

Yuvraj (sulking) - Chalo Ravi Kishen se toh better hai...

SSSK (blushing) - Zaheer, don't you want to know who is playing you?

Zaheer (shyly) - Sure...

SSSK - Abhay Deol.

Zaheer (surprised) - Really? Abhay Deol? How come I get Abhay Deol?

SSSK (blushing) - Because I like you and I like Abhay Deol and I think you guys are kinda similar in personality.

Zaheer (also blushing) - Sure... if you think so.

Sreesanth (impatiently) - Tum logon ka love story khatam hui toh yeh batao who is playing me!

SSSK (irritated at being interrupted) - Tch. For you... Hmmm... Bobby Deol would be a good fit.

Sreesanth (smiles proudly) - Why? Because you like me and you like Bobby Deol and you think we are kinda similar in personality?

SSSK - Of course not, Sreesanth. Don't be ridiculous.

Sreesanth - Then why Bobby Deol??

SSSK - Because he is the only one with crazy hair like yours!

Sreesanth - Please, I am a better dancer than Bobby Deol, ok?? If you cast me, I can also do an item number.

Madhur - Ugh, ok fine. You can do a guest appearance with Rakhi in the item song. Happy now?

Rakhi - Dance with Sreesanth? Oh please. I'd rather dance with Mika.

SSSK - Oooh, Mika. Madhur, how about Mika instead of Bobby? Same kind of hair...

Madhur - Good idea. We will take the cheaper of the two. Bobby just had a hit, so it could just be Mika.

Sreesanth - No no, Bobby is good, Bobby is okay...

Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Bhajji next... we need either a sardar or someone who can suit the sardar look.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, if we're taking Mika sir, maybe we can get Daler sir for a discount for Bhajji sir's role?

Madhur - Daler? For Bhajji?? Would you look at the two of them, Subramaniam??

SSSK - Oooh I know I know! Sunny Deol! He's played a sardar tons of times. And if we end up taking Bobby as Sreesanth, we may get a discount on Sunny as Bhajji!

Madhur - Sheesh. SSSK... Agar Sunny ka haath dhaai kilo ka hai, toh Bhajji ka haath dhai gram ka hai! We need a thinner guy.

SSK - A thin sardar... hmmm...

Sreesanth - Oooh, how about Siddhu?

Subramaniam - Siddhu sir! Oh yes. He's thin.

Madhur - But acting?

SSSK - Acting bhi kar lega. Nautanki hai ek number ka.

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, we can also ask him to point at the Sri Lankans and laugh at the end of the movie after India wins the cup. He's quite good at laughing unnecessarily.

Madhur - Hmm... okay, give him a call. Let's see.

Bhajji (looks devastated) - Siddhu? Seriously?? Siddhu as me??? I think I am gonna cry.

Sreesanth - Ha ha ha! Aaand... life comes full circle. Tuney mujhe rulaya, maine tujhe rulaya! Ha ha ha!

Sreesanth breaks into an impromptu dance. Everyone ignores him.

Madhur - Now the toughest part... who plays Tendulkar? Hmmm....

SSSK - Hmmm...

All cricketers - Hmmm...

Subramaniam - Madhur sir, the choice is obvious. Only Rajni Sir can play Sachin Sir.

Sachin (utterly shocked) - WHAT????!!!! Rajnikanth to play me??? I am 37. He is 62!!

Madhur (also taken aback) - Subramaniam, what makes you say only Rajni can play Sachin??

Subramaniam (smiles wisely) - Sir, only God can play God. No?