Plastic sur-gery

So Sayesha Smitten Showbiz Kitten (SSSK) found out about this 'Phir mile sur mera tumhara' afterparty and somehow managed to sneak in. The atmosphere seemed quite sombre and people generally looked either pissed off or depressed. She spotted a group of ten sitting in a corner of the lawn where the party was, and decided to eavesdrop. At first, it seemed like a babble of noises, but after a while, she could make out that they were the producers and creative directors of the new video, discussing what went wrong that got the video such bad reviews. She hid behind a tree and started taking jotting down whatever she heard.

"Dekha? Maine kaha tha na, original ke saath chhed-chhad mat karo. India ki junta bahut emotional hai. We should have just taken the original and remixed it! Ab bhugto!"

"How was I supposed to know ki flop ho jaayegi?"

"Maybe it was the Bachchans. I don't think people actually like them as much as they think..."

"Abbe dhakkan! The Bachchans paid to be in the video!!"

"Oh right, I forgot about that."

"I told Sonu to get a haircut first!"

"Naah, location achha nahin tha. India se baahar shoot karna chahiye tha."

"Maybe it was because we started with Rahman. Too much Rahman these days..."

"Thoda English mein rap daalna tha... aajkal saare songs mein hota hai..."

"I think it was Sivamani trying to catch fish in his unconventional way that did us in..."

"We should have got Dhoni..."

"Naah, first, he's expensive. Second, too much jhanjhat getting clearance from MNS and Shiv Sena..."

"Maybe we put too many star kids in the video?"

"Or maybe we didn't put enough! If only SRK and Aamir had agreed to showcase their kids..."

"Or maybe we shouldn't have edited out the people who got edited out."

SSSK's jaw dropped. There were people who got edited out? She looked around. There, in another corner was a banner that said 'People who got edited out'. She dashed across the lawn. To her amazement, she saw a few familiar faces.

She started going around with her notepad and pencil, interviewing whomever she could get.

SSSK - Himeshbhai!
Himesh - Hi, aap kaun?
SSSK (in a hurt tone) - Himeshbhai, main SSSK. Bhool gaye? Kitni baar aapka interview liya hai!
Himesh (vaguely) - Haan haan...
SSSK - Aapko uda diya final video se?
Himesh - Haan yaar. They deleted the entire clip. I'd titled it 'Aap ka surrrr'. Creative hai na?
SSSK - Ahem... aur kaun kaun edited out ho gaya?

Himesh is disappointed at SSSK's lack of sympathy and walks away. SSSK spots Katrina.

SSSK - Arre Katrina, Salman udhar aur tum idhar?
Katrina - Huh? Kon kidar?
SSSK - Sorry sorry, I thought your Hindi must have gotten better by now.
Katrina - Ahem, I'm working on it. I had to unlearn all my Hindi you see... to play Sonia Gandhi in Rajneeti...
SSSK - Sure sure... so why did they edit you out of this video?
Katrina - They said my Hindi pronunciation was not authentic.
SSSK - Huh? But you just had to lip-sync!
Katrina - Duh, I know! But they said it still didn't look authentic. Beats me.

Katrina walks away, while SSSK doubles up in laughter.

She looks around to see who else is there. She spots Rakhi Sawant.

SSSK - Rakhi!
Rakhi - Haanji, aap kaun?
SSSK - Sigh... reporter. So why did they edit you out?
Rakhi - Oh, I refused to marry Elesh na, that's why. Waise toh there is no one batter than me to ripresant India, but unko laga ki Rakhi toh Indian velues ke against ja rahi hai. Toh adit kar diya...

SSSK couldn't recognise any of the others so she decided to make her way to the section that had the banner with the words 'People who actually appeared in the video'.

To her surprise, only Aamir was there.

SSSK - Aamir! Hiiiii.
Aamir - Haan, hi hi. Aap kaun?
SSSK - SSSK. Reporter. Are you the only one here?
Aamir - Tch! Koi time par nahin aata, ajeeb industry hai.
SSSK - Main hoon na!
Aamir - Khabardaar jo Shah Rukh ki movie ka naam mere saamne bhi liya toh!
SSSK - Nahin Aamir, I really meant it. That I am here to give you company.
Aamir - Haan theek hai theek hai...
SSSK - So what made you say 'Yes' to this video? You're usually so selective.
Aamir - Good question, good question. The producers actually reminded us that all three Khans are growing old and it would be nice to get all of them together. Waise, I am not old... as you would have seen in 3 Idiots, lekin woh baaki do... kab tapak jaayein pata nahin... so I thought haan chalo kar lete hain.
SSSK - So did you do the scripting of your part yourself?
Aamir - Of course. I told them I'd do it only if I could do my teacher act again.
SSSK - But why did you have the 'Ae kya bolti tu' tone? That was a bit inappropriate for a national song, wasn't it?
Aamir - You thought that was inappropriate? You should have seen the original clip.
SSSK - Which was...?
Aamir - Well, I sang my part in the 'Sun! Suna! Aati kya khandala?' tune. Like this: "Sur! Mila! Tu mere sur se zara!" Nice eh?
SSSK - Erm, and then what happened?
Aamir - Well, the kids also pitched in and sang.
SSSK - That's a good thing, isn't it?
Aamir - Not if I tell you what they sang.
SSSK - Tell me!
Aamir - Okay, they sang: "Sur! Milaayenge! Tujhse hum GHANTA!"
SSSK - Erm...
Aamir - And that's why they changed it... aaj kal be bache... so disrespectful... after all I have done for them... after all the movies I have put them in...

Aamir walks away in disgust, while SSSK spots Salman sauntering in, holding a can of beer.

SSSK - Salman, hi!
Salman - Aila! Tu kaun?
SSSK - Main SSSK. Reporter.
Salman - Hmmm yes yes...
SSSK - So tell me Salman, why did you wear a ganji in the video?
Salman - AHA! You agree, don't you? That the ganji wasn't needed? I wanted to do it topless too! But they didn't let me. I had to borrow the spotboy's ganji!
SSSK - Erm... I meant... why didn't you wear a proper shirt?
Salman - But why?? You didn't like the ganji??
SSSK - It was supposed to be an inspirational video...
Salman - But my bare body has inspired many!
SSSK - Sallu, have you seen the trailer of Veer? You're err... kinda... fat...
Salman - WHAT?! Katrina said the same thing! She said that both her lookalike and I looked fat in the trailer! You think so too?
SSSK - Uhhh...

Salman picks up another can of beer, stares at it, feels his abs, throws the can away in disgust and walks away.

SSSK has now spotted Ustad Amjad Ali Khan.

SSSK - Hello, sir. How are you?
Amjad Ali Khan - Err... I am fine. You are..?
SSSK - Sir, I'm a reporter covering this event.
Amjad Ali Khan - Oh... achha achha...
*Uncomfortable silence*
SSSK - So where are Oman and Iran?
Amjad Ali Khan (coldly) - It's Amaan and Ayaan.
SSSK - Haan, wohi wohi...
Amjad Ali Khan - Yeah, they are around somewhere.
SSSK - What happened to their JP Dutta movie? Canned or banned?
Amjad Ali Khan gives her a dirty look and walks away.

SSSK looks around and spots Deepika.

SSSK - Hi, Deepika.
Deepika - Hi... you are?
SSSK - Reporter. So why did you wear such a silly dress in the video?
Deepika - Oh that dress! Actually I wore that in a scene in Bachna Ae Haseeno, and they edited it out. I wore it again in Love Aaj Kal and that scene also got edited. I realised this would be a good place to wear it.
SSSK - Achha... So tell me, was the water very cold in your scene?
Deepika - No, why?
SSSK - Well, the bottom half of your body seemed to have completely frozen in an awkward pose, while your face was contorted in all sorts of weird expressions in a bid to keep the facial muscles warm...

Deepika storms off.

Priyanka - Tch tch. Poor thing. But then she's only a model.
SSSK - Oh hiii Priyanka! What do you mean she's only a model?
Priyanka - I mean she just knows how to pose and catwalk. We Miss Worlds on the other hand, actually touch people's lives. Didn't you see me touching the lives of the schoolgirls in the video?
SSSK - Erm... yes, very touching... you took a notebook from a schoolgirl, leaned against a pillar and then started singing. Very touching.
Priyanka - Told ya.

Priyanka walks off coyly.

SSSK spots SRK and Ranbir walking towards each other.

SSSK (to herself) - Hmmm... this should be fun.

She hides behind a tree and listens to their conversation.

Ranbir (spots SRK) - Oh shit.
SRK (raising one eyebrow) - Kyun... copycat... kaise ho?
Ranbir - Sir... about that... I am sorry again. I didn't think that the white thingie I wore in the video...
SRK (coldly) - Yeah... the white... thingie... it's trademark SRK you know. From Kal Ho Na Ho.
Ranbir - Sorry sir, I was really late for the shoot and just rushed in my nightsuit... didn't think that you would also...
SRK - Oh yeah? And what was with raising both your hands in the video, huh? Just like what I do in all my movies?? Huh huh huh?
Ranbir - I didn't mean to copy you, Sir... us costume ko pehente hi dono haath apne aap uth jaate hain... believe me!
SRK (gritting his teeth) - Achha? Haath apne aap uth jaate hain? Ab main haath uthaaun kya?

Ranbir mumbles an excuse and escapes.

SSSK is making her way through the crowd which has now grown. She finally spots an unknown face.

SSSK (to herself) - Aha! Everyone has been asking me all evening "You are...?" Now I have the chance to ask someone that!

As she gets closer, the guy starts to look familiar.

SSSK - Hey I know you! You're the guy in the video who was lip-syncing to the musical maestro Ustad Rashid Khan's voice, isn't it?
Guy - Erm, yeah...
SSSK - And you are...?
Guy - Erm, Ustad Rashid Khan.

SSSK flees the party with the rest of her dignity.

In case you have not watched this joke of a national integration song, here it is.



And oh, you may need this to recover from the trauma.