Garam Dharam

So SSSK is working on a new series of articles for the Akh-bar, which involves interviewing the Bollywood stars of yesteryear (because the new stars are not worth interviewing) and finding out what they are upto. In this round, she managed to catch hold of our garam Dharamji at his place. Despite having heard that he's turned from Greek god to grumpy grandpa, SSSK is optimistic.

SSSK - Namaste, Dharam paaji...

Dharamji - Huh? Paaji kisko boli? Only I can say all that - kutte, kaminey, gadhe, ullu, paaji...

SSSK - Nahin Dharamji, woh toh main... respect...

Dharamji - Achha achha...

SSSK - So I will start off with the theme of this interview - our readers would like to know what you are upto these days.

Dharamji - I'm just hanging around, waiting... kisi din toh aayengi meri royalties...

SSSK - Royalties?

Dharamji - Aur nahin toh? They steal my ideas and make movie names out of them, and don't even bother to pay me any royalties!

SSSK - What are you talking about?

Dharamji - You tell me, of all Bollywood heroes, who is the most abusive in his movies? Who? Who??

SSSK - Errr... I'm not sure how to answer that... pass...

Dharamji - Arre! Who immortalised "Kutte kaminey main tera khoon pee jaaunga!"?

SSSK - Oh that way! Aap paaji... I mean you, sir!

Dharamji - Wohi toh. Lekin abhi dekho, they have named a movie 'Kaminey' and they did not even consult me!

SSSK - Lekin sir, Kaminey toh common word hai... koi bhi use kar sakta hai...

Dharamji - What nonsense! Imagine if I had said the opening lines of the movie... KAMEEEEEEEEEEEENEYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Film release hone se pehle hi hit ho jaati.

SSSK - Baat toh sahi hai, sir...

Dharamji - They did the same thing with Awara and Loafer too... stole my gaalis... I mean my titles... and did not give me any credit.

SSSK - But sir, Awara released in 1951, you were only 16 then...

Dharamji - Arre main toh bachpan se hi...

SSSK (tries to change the topic) – Achha achha. Aur sir, Hemaji.. what is she upto these days?

Hema Malini comes down the stairs.

SSSK - Arre Hemaji, hiiiiii! Aap hi ke baare mein baat kar rahe they hum log.

Hemaji - Aap kaun?

SSSK - Ji...Main reporter hoon...

Hemaji - Achha achha... you carry on. Dharam, I'm off for the dance show.

Hemaji leaves.

SSSK - Dance show? Wow. Dance show at this age... Kitni active hai Hemaji... amazing...

Dharamji - Khaak amazing! Arre maine toh kitni baar kaha Hema un kutton ke saamne mat naachna, lekin meri sunti hi nahin... bas naachti rehti hai aur water purify karti hai... ab toh betiyon ko bhi laga diya hai... sab baithkar water purify kar rahe hain...

SSSK – Erm… Sir, Sunny and Bobby kya kar rahe hain aajkal?

Dharamji - Woh dono... Apne ke baad main toh sapne hi dekh raha hoon. Sunny ho gaya hai funny. Bobby ka toh poochho mat. Bobby Deol se famous toh Bobby Darling ho gaya hai.

SSSK - But sir, Bobby's career is still going strong... he was seen in the recent Dostana...

Dharamji - Chih! Kya nonsense role tha! Audience is intzaar mein thi ki end mein pata chalega John aur Abhishek toh seedhe hain -- if you know what I mean -- lekin Bobby ka character...

SSSK - Sir!!! What are you saying???

Dharamji - Arre what am I saying? Even I thought that's how the movie would end! Didn’t you see his costumes in the movie?

SSSK - But the movie didn't end like that...

Dharamji - YEAH! And that just made it worse!

SSSK - Sir, pardon me but I think you're overreacting...

Dharamji - Overreacting? Overreacting is better than overacting! Yeh sab mera naam mitti mein milayenge. Soch raha hoon Abhay ko adopt kar loon... Ek yehi dhang ka Deol hai, baaki sab De-owl hain! Ullu de pathhe!

SSSK - Calm down, sir. Why don't you tell me about your new projects?

Dharamji - Projects... Oh yes. I am producing a couple of movies.

SSSK – Would you like to tell our readers about any of your projects?

Dharamji – Hmmm… I wanted to do ‘Main tera khoon pee jaunga’ with Sooraj Barjatya...

SSSK – Erm... how come Barjatya?

Dharamji – Oh, because he likes to make movies with long titles.

SSSK – Ah! That explains it. So how's the project going?

Dharamji - Project? Ha! He says to me, "Sir, main toh sirf clean family films banata hoon… yeh title family film ko suit nahin karega. Can we change the title?"

SSSK – So did you change it?

Dharamji - Change it?! Are you mad? The title is the main thing! It’s like my signature! What was he thinking? Bewakoof!

SSSK – Oh… any more projects, sir?

Dharamji - Oh yes, I’m making the prequel of ‘Kaminey’ with Ekta Kapoor.

SSSK – Prequel of ‘Kaminey’? Kaminey toh release bhi nahin hui aur prequel bhi ban raha hai? How interesting! What’s the title, sir?

Dharamji (shakes his head in disapproval) - Isn’t it obvious? Tum reporters bhi na... try to guess? It's the prequel to 'Kaminey'!

SSSK – Uhh…

Dharamji - "Kkuutte!" of course!